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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To call out my friend for bullying?

47 replies

insertcaffeine · 27/06/2020 23:22

My two close friends and I have a group chat. One friend is a tarot reader and is very into astrology. She took a screenshot of a Facebook post where people were sending pictures of themselves and everyone was supposed to guess their astrological sign and posted it in the group chat mocking this woman for being beautiful but looking like she had smoothed her skin a bit with a filter and added fake eyelashes. She went on to state that all Libras are like this, proper Regina George's, they infuriate her and they're all superficial and awful.

I told her it didn't sit right with me. She told me it's because I hadn't found the star sign that infuriates me yet. I told her no, it's because it doesn't sit right that you're bullying a stranger in a group chat behind her back for not being as naturally beautiful as she wanted her to and indulging in her idea of beauty. I said it was unkind, catty, unnecessary, hurtful and makes me wonder if she does this with strangers on the internet if she does the same with us.

She's acting confused saying none of her friends have ever said she catty, bitchy or a bully and that it was just a joke. She said there was no need to give her home truths or attack her personally because it didn't affect me personally. I explained that it is hurtful as I've been through similar and I'd appreciate it if she didn't expect me to join in slamming people's appearances and personality traits.

Our other friend has distanced herself from the conversation and now neither of them are speaking to me. AIBU to feel like this and say that to her or am I just attacking her for no reason?

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insertcaffeine · 27/06/2020 23:23

Sorry about the formatting. I'm on mobile and it didn't seem to want to do it.

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insertcaffeine · 27/06/2020 23:26

Just read this back and I forgot to add she was mocking this woman's appearance by saying 'she looks like a fucking pebble' and 'what are those lashes'. It wasnt anything truly nasty but it wasn't nice and she'd never say it to her publicly.

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peachesandclean · 27/06/2020 23:26

ehhhh I mean everyone's a bit like this surely? I wouldn't call it bullying personally but its not particularly kind

IStandByJKR · 27/06/2020 23:31

She made unkind comments about somebody. Were the comments posted in a place they were likely to see them?

I don't think you did anything wrong. She should have had the grace to admit that what she was doing was bitchy. As you know, not everybody would apologise though. You could try an apology yourself, along the lines of "I'm sorry I was X at your the other day. I still don't like the things you said about an innocent stranger but I'm sorry if I was hurtful." - see if that prompts her to climb down.

Pretenditsaplan · 27/06/2020 23:33

No ones ever her called her that well you are!

insertcaffeine · 27/06/2020 23:33

No, the comments were posted in a private group chat. I said to her she wouldn't say it publicly on the post of her picture so why does she think it's fine to do it behind someone's back? It just seems really nasty and has made me question whether she does the same with our conversations and photos to her other friends.

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Kirstyhewlett2018 · 27/06/2020 23:48

Well I must be a broken libra 🤣 but I see your point there was no need for it

randolph78 · 27/06/2020 23:48

I think what your friend did is horrid and good on you for calling this out.

insertcaffeine · 27/06/2020 23:49

If you're a Libra, you must be. ALL Libras are the same. You just don't know it, obviously 😉

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WorraLiberty · 27/06/2020 23:54

Your friend was horrible for bitching about another woman's looks.

Then again, you're here on a public forum bitching about your friend's behaviour.

You're an adult, you know it wasn't wrong to tell her to stop, so quite why you need confirmation on that on a public forum makes me think you just want everyone here to put the boot in.

Not too dissimilar when you think about it like that?

Raella50 · 27/06/2020 23:57

It sounds like she was being catty and you were on your high horse about it. Personally I wouldn’t have engaged with it and just moved the conversation on. Then again, I know I’m not perfect and try not to jump
doennmy friends’ throats when they have a rant too. If she’s like this a lot then perhaps you’re just not suited to being friends with each other. You chose to “call her out” which sounds more like you making your friend feel bad for saying a relatively meaningless comment about a stranger in a place they would never see. Ridiculous.

insertcaffeine · 27/06/2020 23:57

Worra, absolutely. I feel like I'm here seeking validation because I feel terrible but at the same time I know what I said to her was true for me. I'm just trying to find out if I'm a full dick head or half.

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LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 27/06/2020 23:59

ehhhh I mean everyone's a bit like this surely?

Errrr, speak for yourself, that says more about you.
YANBU, good on you for calling her out.

ViciousJackdaw · 28/06/2020 00:00

I'm a Libra too - and what's more, I have special abilities. I have consulted my magical and oh-so-SPIRITUAL crystals and they are clearly telling me that the only way your friend can achieve true enlightenment and insight is by shoving a dreamcatcher up her arse. Sideways.

saraclara · 28/06/2020 00:01

Was this a private conversation or did she post these comments where the person whose photo it was could see them?

If the latter, she's a bully. If the former, (and none of you know the woman in the photo) she's not.

LadyMinerva · 28/06/2020 00:01

I think you did the right thing. If something doesn't sit right with you then you say so. That's what we are taught, right?

I don't think what she did was bullying by definition of the term, but it was very mean and nasty and I guarantee she wouldn't want anyone talking about her like that.

We put out to the universe what we receive.

insertcaffeine · 28/06/2020 00:05

The comments were made privately. I think that's why it didn't sit right. If she'd made the comments to her 'face' then at least she's just being an arsehole but to be so sly seems really catty to me and brings up a host of my own things that I've dealt with which probably led me to project and be a bit harsh on her.

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Notapheasantplucker · 28/06/2020 00:13

A pebble? FfsGrin, I've never heard that one before.

Yanbu for saying something to her though.

alexdgr8 · 28/06/2020 00:16

why bother with such people at all.
life is short.
devote it to worthwhile pursuits.
shake the dust off your feet, and leave her to it.
go your own way.

saraclara · 28/06/2020 00:22

@insertcaffeine

The comments were made privately. I think that's why it didn't sit right. If she'd made the comments to her 'face' then at least she's just being an arsehole but to be so sly seems really catty to me and brings up a host of my own things that I've dealt with which probably led me to project and be a bit harsh on her.
Does she know this person? Do you? Or is she just a random photo that your friend saw?
Starlightstarbright1 · 28/06/2020 00:22

It isn’t bullying from what I understand - she didn’t know the woman- the woman will never know - not nice but not bullying

saraclara · 28/06/2020 00:26

bully1
/ˈbʊli/
verb
gerund or present participle: bullying

seek to harm, intimidate, or coerce (someone perceived as vulnerable).

So no, she's not bullying anyone.

VeniVidiWeeWee · 28/06/2020 00:27

If you're going to call them out are you going to choose swords or pistols?

SquashedSpring · 28/06/2020 00:29

From your op it sounds like your friend was criticising this woman's use of photoshop rather than her actual looks, which I think is an important distinction to make. For example, critising someone using photoshop to give themselves large breasts is different from making fun of someone for having large breasts.

Either way though, it's not good to say nasty things to, or about people and I think you did the right thing by mentioning it. I do however think you went too far, you could have just said 'that's a bit mean' rather than implying that she's horrible to all her friends behind their backs. What did you want to achieve by telling her that?

OliviaPopeRules · 28/06/2020 00:36

yabu to be friends with a tarot reader Grin

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