To call out my friend for bullying?

[insertcaffeine]

My two close friends and I have a group chat. One friend is a tarot reader and is very into astrology. She took a screenshot of a Facebook post where people were sending pictures of themselves and everyone was supposed to guess their astrological sign and posted it in the group chat mocking this woman for being beautiful but looking like she had smoothed her skin a bit with a filter and added fake eyelashes. She went on to state that all Libras are like this, proper Regina George's, they infuriate her and they're all superficial and awful.

I told her it didn't sit right with me. She told me it's because I hadn't found the star sign that infuriates me yet. I told her no, it's because it doesn't sit right that you're bullying a stranger in a group chat behind her back for not being as naturally beautiful as she wanted her to and indulging in her idea of beauty. I said it was unkind, catty, unnecessary, hurtful and makes me wonder if she does this with strangers on the internet if she does the same with us.

She's acting confused saying none of her friends have ever said she catty, bitchy or a bully and that it was just a joke. She said there was no need to give her home truths or attack her personally because it didn't affect me personally. I explained that it is hurtful as I've been through similar and I'd appreciate it if she didn't expect me to join in slamming people's appearances and personality traits.

Our other friend has distanced herself from the conversation and now neither of them are speaking to me. AIBU to feel like this and say that to her or am I just attacking her for no reason?

I wouldn't want to remain friends with someone like that - I'd always be wondering what she was saying to other people about me behind my back.

Astrology is a load of tosh anyway

No not bullying, but what you say is correct. However, I think you could have been a bit more diplomatic in your response, considering the person in question will never likely know what she said, and considering it's largely based on her star sign, maybe you went a little overboard in your reaction.

The thing is, this woman was just a genuinely pretty woman. Heavy make up and good lighting but I told her it wasn't a use of a filter or lots of skin smoothing as you could still see the lines in the face and the neck but because this woman looked good and posed she took it as an automatic confirmation of her bias toward Libras and I just thought wow, what a horrible comment to make. It hit a nerve I suppose because I use filters in my photos because I'm incredibly insecure as to how I look. I'm overweight so I angle them to get a nice head and shoulders shot rather than exposing myself and I do enjoy putting on a face of make up and some false lashes even though I know it's not what I really look like underneath. It just felt awful and snide and like she would say the exact same thing to other people about me and our mutual friends.

I agree, looking at that definition it's not bullying.

Nsh she sounds really nasty, she's just embarrassed because she knows her behaviour is indefensible. Incidentally I'm a libra and I'm vain as fuck but only because I'm gorgeous 💅

@BilboBercow That cheered me right up.

Viciousjackdaw and BilbowBercow
OP you did right. Bullies need calling out.

Her behaviour wasn't ok
I take the point you make there are similarities between her FB post and your MN post so if she can discuss it on social media she can handle it.

You were right to call her out, but you won't make many friends that way (I'm blunt to people if they are nasty and unjust).

That aside YABU to think people/friends with those interests should have invaluable opinions on just about anything .

Catty and not showing her best self but a bully? No. Bullying isn’t just being unkind - it has much more to it.

If she does things like this regularly then I wouldn’t want much to do with her as that’s sort of negativity pulls you down. If this was a one-off then I couldn’t get upset about it tbh. Would put it down to the fact that the best people are twats sometimes and the most innocuous things can weirdly push people’s buttons.

It does sound from your later post that you may think her comments are a sly indirect dig at you. If that’s the case, she is a class A bitch and not a friend - really nasty behaviour.

(Full disclosure: while I know that astrology is utter bollocks, the 3 friends that drive me to drink by living in an alternate reality are all Libras . So I may be both biased and a bitch!)

@peachesandclean

ehhhh I mean everyone's a bit like this surely? I wouldn't call it bullying personally but its not particularly kind

Erm, no. Not everybody.

@WorraLiberty - Then again, you're here on a public forum bitching about your friend's behaviour.

There is a huge difference in asking for advice regarding someone's bad behaviour, and your response to that, and belittling someone's looks just for the hell of it.

Op is showing remorse for talking to her friend the way she did, her friend couldn't give a shit about the other ladies feelings etc.

I am saddened by those against what op did, standing up for someone who was being belittled for "fun" (yes, the person in the pic didn't know) because this is what is happening to girls (and boys, but mostly girls) the world over... and it isn't right.

@saraclara If the latter, she's a bully. If the former, (and none of you know the woman in the photo) she's not.

Really? So it's OK to pull apart someone as long as you don't know them, and they might not find out that you are doing it?

That is the whole problem with so many things...just because the "victim" doesn't know that they are being treadted bdly, doesn't mean it is right.

Good for you. I do think we need to mention it when women tear down women, it's like a learned habit. That said, I did it once when a friend made a catty comment about 'she should NOT be wearing that!' when a girl walked past. My friend did not like my comments and said I was trying to take the high road with her.

A few years ago I resolved myself to stop making bitchy comments about other women for no reason. It's a good thing.

If she's the sort who believes that everyone born under a given star/sign/symbol has the same personality traits, she's too stupid to bother with as a friend.

It's embarrassing enough to have astrology for a hobby, but to use it as the basis for bitchy comments about other people is absolutely cringe-worthy.

Yes I also agree that bullies need to be called out. Too many people are passive for fear of not fitting in. Well done OP.

She went on to state that all Libras are like this, proper Regina George's, they infuriate her and they're all superficial and awful.

She sounds like she hasn’t grown up, who the fuck would make that reference about Regina George apart from a 16yo.

I've explained to her that I'm not sorry for calling her out but I apologise if calling her bitchy, nasty and a bully hurt her. She doubled down and stated that nobody has ever called her those things so it must be a me issue and that it was just a joke, she's never hurt me personally etc.

It's all a lot of 'me me me' and not enough 'yeah, I can see I was being unnecessarily rude'. She's not making any attempts to contact me so sod her.

@differentnameforthis I didn't say that what she did was right. It was mean spirited. But bullying involves the person being bullied being aware of what's being done to them/said to them/about them, and being hurt by it. This was an anonymous woman who doesn't know OP or her friend and has no idea what's being said. So bullying is the wrong term.

You might as well say that anyone moaning about Trump or Boris Johnson in the privacy of their own home, is bullying them. Which clearly it isn't.

I apologise if calling her bitchy, nasty and a bully hurt her.

"..IF.."? Seriously? You think that's an apology? To be honest, you sound nastier than her if that's what you said to her, and then you apologise IF that hurt her?

Tbf I’d of done the same thing. I bet she’s one of those who was crying “be kind” a few months prior.
YANBU. Enjoy your bitchy free life without her.

I wouldn't want to be more than accquaintances with a group of people,who believe you can divide the entire human population into 12 groups and then look down on some of those groups, based entirely on what month they were born in.

.I bet she’s one of those who was crying “be kind” a few months prior.

Yes!

Your friends a bit of a twat pigeonholing and mocking people like this.... and I’m definitely a broken libra. I never set foot in a hair salon or beauty salon. I don’t die my hair and I own about 4 items of basic makeup. Vain is definitely not me and Regina George is about as far from me as is possible to get.

To be honest your friend sounds superficial if she judges people so nastily and with such dumb assumptions.

[quote saraclara]@differentnameforthis I didn't say that what she did was right. It was mean spirited. But bullying involves the person being bullied being aware of what's being done to them/said to them/about them, and being hurt by it. This was an anonymous woman who doesn't know OP or her friend and has no idea what's being said. So bullying is the wrong term.

You might as well say that anyone moaning about Trump or Boris Johnson in the privacy of their own home, is bullying them. Which clearly it isn't.[/quote]
You may want to read my reply to you again, because I didn't mention the word bully and I never mentioned you using the term bully/bullying. I said it wasn't OK to pull someone apart just because you didn't know them.

Your friend doesn't sound like a very nice person. I'm glad you told her, more people do need to be called put on nasty behaviour.