To worry about my dd?

[Ilovegreentomatoes]

Ok so I don't know if this is typical teen behaviour but my nearly 13 yr old dd spends most days in her room curtains closed on her phone/iPad virtually all day.Since lockdown it's been hard so no school just everyday in her room.
I try and motivate her but walks or shops are all boring to her. Most days she doesn't even get dressed.Im separated from her dad and at my wits end so tonight I called him and asked him to pick her up friday.She hates going there and hasn't been since lockdown but as a single parent I'm stressed with the situation and just need to get her out of her room.I try talking to her she says shes fine but how can she be? Is it normal for a teen to be on their devices 24/7.She talks to her online friends but doesn't meet up with any. Just at a loss what to do? For context shes an only child which means apart from me she doesn't really socialize with anyone else.

Plenty of good advice here but you really need to establish some routine, starting with out of bed, washed and dressed by an agreed time.

All meals downstairs with you. Leave her phone at home when you go out (and I'd be insisting on some fresh air every day).

A couple of hours of schoolwork to be done every day Monday to Friday, downstairs with phone out of reach. Phone switched off by a reasonable time at night, and left with you.

You don't have to do all this in one go if it's seems too much, but you need to break this addictive pattern she's got herself into.

OP I think you have had a few harsh responses here. It's not as simple as us parents setting time limits and rigidly sticking to them with teens of this age, and if we don't then we're not parenting properly! The trouble is, if we we have to deal with the fallout and the arguments from a strict regime, that's not good for any of our mental health during lockdown. We're all living together 24/7 and there has to be some compromise. That's how I feel anyway.

Would it help to at least take it away at night by a certain time as a starting point to reducing screen time? My 13yo has to give me his devices by 10pm. Since my older DS turned 15 he has no limits. He's less than three years away from being an adult and needs to learn to self-regulate in advance of that.

All my children have had too much screen time in lockdown. But I can't turn the WiFi off as I'm working full time at home. They break the day up with school work and going for a walk. Other than that, there's not a lot for them to do so I'm afraid at the moment it's too much screen, otherwise the alternative would be daily arguments, me not getting my work done and everyone being even more stressed than they already are. Maybe take small steps towards reaching a compromise that works for you?

Also agree you’ve had a hard time op and ten to agree with @surlycurly I have a 13 YO DS and he would happily sit all day on his phone in the dark but I have encouraged him to try to do other things. It’s tough just now, they can’t go out and they’re missing their friends. Try talking to her about your concerns and see what else she feels like doing?. Turning off the WiFi means everyone else has to access to stream films or anything else, it isn’t always as simple as that.
Cut yourself some slack OP, you’re not the only one in this position at the moment, it will get better. You are most definitely not a bad parent so ignore anyone who says you are, teenagers are hard work and you’re doing it alone. Chin up.

It’s going to be tough. But you need to start setting boundaries.
The longer you leave it, the harder it will be.

Start with getting up and dressed everyday. Healthy breakfast.

Then school work for the morning.
Exercise- long walk /cycle etc in the afternoon.

Then, and only then, does she get her phone for an hour

@whycantibetangy, you don't disable all WiFi, you just use administration perks to disable their gaming device. Move their IP address for gaming system out of WiFi zone. Put it back in once they have done their school work. All the other devices will carry on working as they will remain in zone. With administration perks you can pick and choose which devices are allowed in WiFi zone at any given time. Our foster child's gaming system is in WiFi zone got 2 hours each evening provided he has completed his home schooling work to my satisfaction. It takes 1 minute to move a device out of WiFi zone and password protected.

@Ilovegreentomatoes you just described my daughter. Exactly the same. Word for word I could have written this post. 😥

Except she has 2 older and 1 younger sibling but hates them. Hates everyone.

Only comes out for food.

Keep doing your best, some people on here are very critical, so don’t take it to heart, it’s easy knowing what you should do (reduce screen time) implementing it can be a lot harder!

It might do her good to go to her dads-change of scene or she may behave differently for him. Don’t feel bad about sending her, he’s her dad, and hopefully when she returns she might be a bit more open to you. I think I’d encourage this to be a regular thing, it will give you time to regroup and strengthen your resolve.

It’s so hard at the moment, both mine have had way more screen time than I’m happy with, and when we are out just want to get home. My DD (slightly younger than yours) gets very stressed if off devices that she is missing out, and other friends might be talking without her. It’s very sad as she wasn’t like this before lockdown.

Keep doing your best to distract her, hopefully more will open up over summer-even zoos/safari parks or outdoor education places so it will get easier, and once back at school they are out all day without electronics anyway.

@caringcarer that sounds like a great idea. How do you go about doing that as I'm running out of places to hide devices?

@ladykuga. This is how you do it.

MAC Address filter

For Virgin type 192.168.0.1 into web address (other ISP may same or 192.168.0.0)

Use password provided (usually provided on bottom of router, so change it if you have got smart kids)

Under security, select MAC Address Filtering, select MAC Address for equipment you want to limit access, set limits, save new settings.

May need to first look at connected devices to find MAC addresses for child’s equipment.

We have had Virgin Media, Orange/EE and is available on both ISP so expect it to be on others, just need to search for the setting.

It seems a fiddle to do it but once you have done this you can always control your dc access to their devices.

OP this is what you need to do to stop your child having the upper hand over you.

@caringcarer that's great. Thanks and hope it works for you OP.