To worry about my dd?

[Ilovegreentomatoes]

Ok so I don't know if this is typical teen behaviour but my nearly 13 yr old dd spends most days in her room curtains closed on her phone/iPad virtually all day.Since lockdown it's been hard so no school just everyday in her room.
I try and motivate her but walks or shops are all boring to her. Most days she doesn't even get dressed.Im separated from her dad and at my wits end so tonight I called him and asked him to pick her up friday.She hates going there and hasn't been since lockdown but as a single parent I'm stressed with the situation and just need to get her out of her room.I try talking to her she says shes fine but how can she be? Is it normal for a teen to be on their devices 24/7.She talks to her online friends but doesn't meet up with any. Just at a loss what to do? For context shes an only child which means apart from me she doesn't really socialize with anyone else.

Fair point. However they are normally guided by their teacher 5 days a week...people are expecting them to do self guided work for 6 hours a day Monday to Friday...I struggled to do that on my degree course never mind at high school!

Just at breaking point today.walked into her dark room curtains closed still in her night clothes 3rd day in a row and I just wanted to scream.Ive tried to be easy going because of lockdown but I've had enough.

I think you're getting a hard time here OP. I'm a teacher and I regularly do class surveys about screen time with kids, where I get them to check their pickup times and screen time and it's usually terrifying. And that was before lockdown. Congratulations to the parents who manage to have such a tidy little life in the middle of all this chaos but I know plenty of families in the same position as you. Normal 13 yr olds want to socialise with each other, not the adult in the house, and, whether we like it or not, kids socialise predominantly through their phones. Add to that a lockdown situation and they only socialise through their phones. FOMO is bad enough anyway but in lockdown it's impossible to get away from technology. All interaction and school life goes on that way. Even I'm sick of my blooming phone as I never seem to put it down at the moment.

It is tough to have a moody teen who doesn't want anything to do with you in these circumstances. Don't feel remotely guilty for having a break (I would love to send my two moody teens away for a night!!!). You do need to have some conversations that aren't lectures with your DD about the kind of problems a constant stream of stimuli will cause her, and tell her that some changes need to be made over the summer holidays to get her back to some kind of normality. But the lecturing about 9pm bedtimes and limiting the internet to ten minutes a day is a crock. You'd both go nuts. Make some changes but have conversations about it. Explain why it's important that she uses different areas of her brain. Take the emotion out of it and have a discussion about the worry it causes you. She may not listen to a word of it, in which case enforce whatever you like, but having a dictatorship now, after so much freedom, will cause friction.

Thanks @surlycurly its reassuring to know it's not just my dd.

It won't be just your DD no OP but that doesn't make it ok either. The reason it's not just her is that lots of teens also are addicted to being in their phone/apps and suffer with mental health issues.

Have you discussed phone addiction with her? She is old enough to look at and respond to information online about it and take it in. If you literally mean she cannot be separated from it then you need to call your GP and get advice for her as her parent, and seek counselling for her on the NHS. Contact her school and ask for contact from her teacher re:her lack of schoolwork engagement.

Do you think you yourself might be suffering with depression OP? You sound as though you are struggling to manage and motivate.

For her sake and yours I would speak with your GP start taking steps to reduce it bit by bit, take the advice given here to take control of wifi and give the password at allotted times or after she has done school work or got up and exercised. Do it gradually and with a warning so it is not a shock to the system.

Limit her contract and do the same. You must look for ways to motivate her and lead by example as a parent. Leaving her to it because you don't want to upset her is harming her and helping neither of you. You're here because you care OP and I feel it is nobodies place to bark at you that you're a bad parent for having got stuck in a bad situation that you can try and get our of --so long as you do try. Look for help take help, start small, stick to your guns for her sake.

Lol at all those saying switch off the wifi etc. My 2dc have ALL their school set on their school issued iPads and I’m working from home full time in my little office. The tv works through wifi, the sonos needs wifi, the alexas need wifi. The wifi is going nowhere.

My 14 and 12 yr olds have become nocturnal bedroom dwellers During lockdown, they are talking to friends on facetime, during minecraft And roblox games as I can hear them. I would rather they were out having fun, they need to see their friends and so do I. This is a shitty situation for all of us, don't let a few people try to shame your parenting, we are not all in the same boat with the same levels of support or resilience. To pretend otherwise is ridiculous so give yourself a break, let dad take the strain for a bit.

My DS is a bit younger and would easily spend all his time on Xbox when let. I get how hard it is.

But I would go in each morning at a reasonable hour, not too early but whatever works for how your day goes (About 9 or 10 am) and open her curtains and window.

You have to turn off her WiFi or remove phone at times during the day.

In the evening say the phone has to be off but she watch some tv - actual tv or a movie, not YouTube.

I feel sorry for the 15 year old who has to have their light off by 9.30 - it doesn’t get dark here for another hour at least in summer.

You need to be the parent in this relationship and home school your dd. Contact school and ask for suitable work for her to do.

Let her have 1 hour internet after she had completed 2 school work tasks and then another hour in evening if she has been compliant in learning a new skill. My foster son of 13 has learned how to play chess and got to level 7. He had completed most of the Bronze D of E and just needs to do expedition now. He has also been learning how to touch type. You are her mother don't let her waist her time.

She should be using this time to get ahead on her GCSE subjects. I have bought text books as and foster son is cracking on with specification as his school sends very little work home. I set him work from text books and he does it and we upload to school.

Your dd will need to be taking vitamin D if she never goes out in sunshine. You need to insist she gets into routine of sleeping and eating at sensible times and if she is not compliant take away her WiFi privaledge and don't give it back until she is compliant. By allowing her to dictate what she wants to do you are making life hard got yourself and your dd will fall behind in her school work.

Probably going to be a major unpopular opinion but coming from a person who was 13 not majorly long ago - I was the exact same in school holidays and I was fine. I was talking to my friends, watching YouTube, reading up about things I found interesting, finding new tv shows to watch, trying to write stories, all on my phone or computer.

I just genuinely didn’t want to go out if it wasn’t to do something particularly fun (like outing, meet friends etc). I was happy to just laze around. Everyone I know was like that as well, and everyone’s parents didn’t like it, including mine.

Yes it could be the precursor to or a symptom of something worse, but don’t take the constant screen time as the sole indicator of that. Lockdown is a naturally depressing time, but any thing out of the ordinary in regards to mood, behaviour, emotions etc is obviously a red flag.

In the absence of that, I honestly wouldn’t worry too much about its affects. Ideally she does need exercise and fresh air, but this isn’t permanent. I personally would not worry too much, but I understand why you are

And I never ever got dressed if I wasn’t going to go out or have someone over, proper clothes are uncomfortable to just stay in the house in especially when you’re younger

Kids need boundaries.

Ds is 13 and would absolutely do this given half a chance . He's been doing schoolwork every day 9-1130 and 130-3 and isn't allowed devices (except laptop for work) during that time. If he pisses about and it isn't done then tough for him. His schools been ok re communication and have an online homework app which I can check but I pulled my kids out of school before they closed and set them work myself (I'm not a teacher so it wasn't curriculum based but I know what he struggles with eg fractions and printed off worksheets and watched documentaries on things).

Don't get me wrong he definitely does have too much screen time and more than pre lockdown but he'd end up utterly miserable if he didn't have boundaries (even though he wouldn't agree with this).

Our school holidays start this week and he'll lie in more but he still isn't getting to spend the rest of the time indoors on a screen. Some time definitely esp when communicating with friends but again it's not in his true interests to be glued to the ps4 etc.

Yes I'm on antidepressants been on them years.Normally I am laidback about it all but today for some reason I snapped. I think it's the running about after dd as well I do everything even take plates and cups down from room and even if she helped a little in the house sometimes would be a great help.

But then I remember I never helped my mum in the house when I was a teen so I feel bad for asking.

DS is younger, so I have much more of a say, however I would say 3/5 days he does his school work in his PJs. Its what he is comfortable in.

When he finishes his schoolwork, we go out for a walk and then the Xbox is his till 6pm. Depending on how well behaved he is he can then watch a bit of youtube till bedtime.

Its really tough at the moment and I am not a single parent, I would say try to encourage her out. I do an hour on the xbox 15 minutes with me doing whatever bollocks comes into our heads.

Hopefully once we hit the summer holidays it will be easier but who knows.

"@Ilovegreentomatoes* Why are you not responding to the repeated suggestion that you turn the wifi off and control the amount of time she is online?

It is a very sensible and practical suggestion.

It's very hard. Teens do love their phones. I'd just make sure she comes down for three meals a day, some with you. gets dressed and goes out for a walk once a day with you.

If she cannot do this I'd turn off wifi some of the time.

Try and have a chat with her, she's not doing any school work but can she do some art, writing, whatever? buy her a journal or some painting stuff etc.

Screens are an addiction. please help to wean her off it and spend some more family time.

I'm trying to get my kids to do more around the house and they are partially rising to the challenge. With us being at home all the time the house is cluttered and grubby so they do need to help, they are 9 and 15. I pay a small amount for certain chores but nothing for most, they are expected to help and although they find it hard, they are doing it and I can see how proud they are when they do manage to do stuff around the house.

Personally, I'd not send her to dad's unless she wants to go. But i do understand you want a break. It must be very hard.

I spend a lot of time working with some very unpleasant, predatory people who would take full advantage of a 12 year old girl who has 24/7 unsupervised Internet access. You absolutely MUST get on top of this situation and stop letting her dictate the rules. Install parental controls, or some sort of monitoring device, turn off the WiFi, involve her father in dealing with this problem just for starters.

"But then I remember I never helped my mum in the house when I was a teen so I feel bad for asking."

Neither did I. My mum never encouraged me to help with cooking or much (except washing up). I now actively encourage my kids to help with cooking (safely) and I think it is better. They are so proud when they produce anything at all. Start small, doing the mash potatoes or making up some Angel Delight ( we love it!) and move on to whole meals. She needs some challenges. As a reward for helping she gets time on devices etc.

Talk to her, find out what she would like to cook/draw/write/do. Getting out to exercise will probably help you both. You may already do it but your post implied she did not leave her room much.

If you are finding things very hard, is it worth asking for help from your GP? I mean if you are on anti depressants maybe a talking therapy would help. I have been luckily enough to have some brilliant CBT and talking therapies which have helped me a great deal with anxiety/OCD.

I really do feel for you OP, I know it is incredibly hard when you are depressed. For your dd though you really need to gather your strength. She is 12, she is a child, she can't just be left to her own devices. You need to enforce a structure on her day. It will be a struggle at first but worth it for both of you.

Ps. If she seems very distressed as you withdraw the screen time, beyond just the normal resistance and drama, do seek further advice. Also be aware of what she is doing online. You should know what she is doing at 12 years old, it's a nasty world online sometimes

Having a bedtime routine for a 15 year old is taking things too far! My 15 year old doesn't want every minute of her day micro managed by her Mum! That is ridiculously controlling.

OP just try your best in these circumstances. She's ata horrible age and life has been turned upside upside down these past few months. Try and encourage an interest that you can share together cooking or watching something funny on TV. If nothing works just look forward to when she is abit older and more reasonable!

A bedtime routine for a 15 to is outrageous, they should be able to manage that themselves. Self regulation a vital life skill.

Are the school not setting anything at all? If not can you call them to discuss.

Regarding friends, why is she not seeing any? My DS 14 is seeing one friend and going for walks, cuppa at an outdoor cafe so nothing much.

Loads of teens will be a bit nocturnal at the moment but in the daytime hours shes awake you need to be helping her to get in some sort of vague routine.

No point in turning the wifi off unless you can have something else to replace her time with. You need to step up more, turning the wifi off is a lazy option IMO and possibly a last resort when nothing else works

I do agree that you should limit her screen time and internet access. Of course there will be some push- back from her about this but sometimes parenting means you can't take the easiest route. I think most teens would sit in bed all day on their phones given the opportunity.

As a single adult you are allowed to form a "bubble" with another family - have you done this? Maybe you could bubble with a family of one of your DDd friends so they can socialise?

@NameChange84

For goodness sake confiscate her phone at night.

No it’s not normal or acceptable behaviour.

And it’s very poor parenting on your behalf!

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