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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Hoarder in laws and childcare

67 replies

Sunshines21 · 27/06/2020 00:43

Hi there

I’m about to return to work after maternity, the plan was always for nursery 4 mornings a week and my in laws who live locally agreed to look after my baby 2 afternoons a week.
However with Covid the nursery is closed and after much phoning round nurseries where we are most are still either closed or only taking children who have two key worker parents.
Our in laws had a chat with my husband and offered to take our baby to their place while we work at home (we have a small flat).
However I’ve never been in their house due to my in-laws hoarding. My mil is really embarrassed so doesn’t want anyone to see. My husband and his brother used to be welcome but neither have seen inside in over a year. I don’t think it’s a safe environment for a baby and have asked to see inside prior to agreeing if my baby can go there. My in-laws have unfortunately responded defensively. My FIL actually spoke to my husband on his own after and reduced him to tears. We both feel awful about the situation but I just can’t agree it’s suitable for my baby. The alternative would be me muddling along with work at home and childcare and they could maybe take him out in the afternoon so I can get along with some work. However they are so furious that they are now not wanting to look after the baby at all. I feel I’ve caused a bit of a rift, I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable?

OP posts:

SoloMummy · 27/06/2020 16:17

@Sunshines21
So you wanted them to do you a free favour. Knew about how they feel. But still proceeded to say that you'll effectively need to inspect their home to see if it's acceptable for them to perform said favour.
And now you wounder why they've reacted as they have and you still hoped they'll take lo for walks in the afternoon.
So yes you're certainly taking the piss expecting that!
I think you'll need to hope that your employer will permit you to work with no childcare in place and poor productivity. In which case, you may need to request unpaid parental leave and then your oh top, until you can find paid childcare for all the days you work.

Lamazey · 27/06/2020 16:34

YANBU. Mil is also a hoarder, unfortunately that also means her house is filthy and food is often out of date etc. I have actually been ill myself twice while staying there. Our DS is very nearly three and has never been there and nor will he until he is older. Mil did get upset about it but soon accepted that if she wanted to see him it would have to be either out somewhere or at our house and it's fine now. I would honestly not risk it for childcare, no matter how desperate, it's not safe.

EKGEMS · 27/06/2020 16:34

Solomummy. are you actually drunk? Who (sober) thinks letting a newborn into a hoarding situations safe?

SoloMummy · 27/06/2020 16:49

@EKGEMS

Solomummy. are you actually drunk? Who (sober) thinks letting a newborn into a hoarding situations safe?

I never said that I'd let my baby go there. But then I wouldn't have expected the childcare with those strings and have blatantly knowingly offended them.

BackforGood · 27/06/2020 17:15

What I'm puzzled about, is why you thought it was okay for them to go there for two afternoons, (the arrangement prior to COVID19) ?

If their situation is so bad that you have never been allowed in, and your dh and siblings are no longer allowed in, then why were you thinking it was okay before, but not now ?

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't even contemplate leaving a baby in a place I wasn't even allowed to see, but I can't get my head round the idea it was okay for a couple of afternoons.

However there are some mass generalisations on this thread. Everyone who has a tendency to hoard doe NOT live in dirty, unhygienic, unsafe homes. That is a massive leap.

EKGEMS · 27/06/2020 17:30

The "strings" are a healthy and safe environment which is pretty high up on the requirements for quality childcare-the OP is in a no win situation with the in laws unfortunately

Cocobean30 · 27/06/2020 18:02

It’s awful how they are treating both of you, tbh I would consider cutting contact due to the way FIL spoke to your DH. He needs to apologise.

sassysoul · 27/06/2020 18:18

Definitely not, my DS is now 15 months and my DM is great at buying him stuff and is definitely not a hoarder but they are kind of oblivious to the amount of ornaments they have and I've told them a few times he will break them and they haven't moved them, I will also be buying safety latches for the kitchen as I know she hasn't bought these either

monkeymonkey2010 · 27/06/2020 18:21

They can be upset all they like - and don't be made to feel guilty or bad.
None of you are responsible for their feelings.

Hoarding is a mental health issue and if it's affected their day to day life and relationships to this extent then it's pretty serious - and until they acknowledge it's an issue AND want to manage it - there's nothing anyone else can do.

CloudyGladys · 27/06/2020 18:52

Their hoarding is not your responsibility to sort out. Your responsibility is to keep your baby safe.

That said, if your DH and his siblings did want to find support for his parents (is it both hoarding or just one of them and the other tolerating the situation), most fire services have information on their websites, including a clutter scale and how to access support as hoarding is considered a symptom of a mental health concern.

SoloMummy · 27/06/2020 18:55

@BackforGood

What I'm puzzled about, is why you thought it was okay for them to go there for two afternoons, (the arrangement prior to COVID19) ?

If their situation is so bad that you have never been allowed in, and your dh and siblings are no longer allowed in, then why were you thinking it was okay before, but not now ?

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't even contemplate leaving a baby in a place I wasn't even allowed to see, but I can't get my head round the idea it was okay for a couple of afternoons.

However there are some mass generalisations on this thread. Everyone who has a tendency to hoard doe NOT live in dirty, unhygienic, unsafe homes. That is a massive leap.

Absolutely agree.

Piffle11 · 27/06/2020 19:03

‘Muddling along’ is preferable to putting your child In an unsafe environment.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 27/06/2020 19:48

The baseline here is they have offered a couple of afternoons of childcare. I am assuming you have never been in there home so I do echo others and wondering why you even thought this was an option given there hoarding. They may be exceptionally clean horders or those with pets who defecate everywhere but you cant find it due to the clutter. No way would my DC be staying anywhere i havent seen...even in a nursery you have a walk round first

Original poster

Sunshines21 · 27/06/2020 19:55

Thankyou everyone. We are not in England so the nursery’s aren’t open here yet for all children. Childminders are able to take but I’ve had no luck so far finding availability.
We have a really small flat and both DH and myself are working from home. Our baby is at a stage where if he hears our voices or catches a glimpse of us he will get upset and want us so might make it harder for the in laws to have a nice time with him. That being said I’d rather that than him going in their home!

OP posts:

Original poster

Sunshines21 · 27/06/2020 20:03

Hi @SoloMummy
My in laws really love their grandchild and really wanted to be involved in childcare. They offered! The original arrangement was for him to attend nursery in the morning and they would pick him up and take him to our flat or go out and about with him. There was never any plan for him to go to theirs especially as DH and myself would normally be working away from home. This was mutually agreed as all his toys are here.
Now due to covid they advised my DH that they would take him to theirs in the afternoon and that’s why we spoke to them about it not being possible unless we can see what it’s like inside. Now that I’ve had a night to sleep on it, I know for sure we did the right thing!

OP posts:

Bundlemuffin · 27/06/2020 20:26

Fuck no. There's no way you leave a kid somewhere which is so awful you're not even allowed to see it.

Your DC needs protecting from that physical environment, but he also needs protecting from your PILs' mental health problems, and also (by the sound of that phone call) from their nasty manipulative personalities.

FizzyGreenWater · 27/06/2020 20:56

Utterly unacceptable and I would shut this right down with dignity.

'If you don't feel you can continue with your offer to help with childcare that is absolutely your right and we completely respect that. We know 100% that it's a big commitment and will remain grateful for the original offer, as we are for all the other help you have kindly given us over the years. That does not change the fact that we are astonished that you would think it's ok to expect us to defer to you over taking X to your home for care on the terms you suggested. No responsible parent would ever be happy with agreeing for their child to be cared for somewhere where it's not just a case of them not visiting, but a case of the caregivers not allowing them to visit. No one. If you feel that this situation has brought the issue of your home between us, it's not our doing. We have so far respected your privacy - if we're to have good relations going forward, you need to respect our parenting decisions in the same way.'

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