Aibu re:in laws round for bbq

[pemberlyshades]

So DH has organised for him mum, dad, sil and nephew (4) to come over for a bbq. I tried to discuss how we could do this is the safest way following current guidelines. We weren't totally sure what they were so I looked them up and sent them to the family WhatsApp.
Me and DH had a chat and decided it would be best if everyone could bring their own blanket and utensils, we can take it in turns to serve our own food, guests can use downstairs loo and clean touches surfaces after use and we will use upstairs. I thought of some games the kids could do etc.

MIL made some lighthearted/PA comments depending on how you read them about how she wouldn't move from her allocated spot, would bring her own potty etc.

I asked them to please bring their own picnic blankets to sit on and could they bring their own utensils. BIL (who can't make the bbq) then said if "if you are so worried about it then we won't come- nephew has been to preschool and having play dates with his friends and he doesn't know how to socially distance". (Bear in mind this has been recently as BIL and SIL aren't key workers so they've been at home through most of the pandemic).

I replied saying that I'm not worried, but both our kids have been to school (key worker classes) throughout. I know that several parents have been in contact with covid pos patients and public as we have kind of made loose friends with other key workers at drop off. My DHs boss is currently self isolating as she was contacted by track and trace. Both me and DH are key workers fwiw.

In addition my GF passed away from covid 8 weeks ago. They know this.
I explained that's why I want to be cautious.
SIL said they won't come at all now and I feel so gutted. The grandkids haven't seen MIL/FIL through lockdown as they are in the vulnerable age group. I haven't seen my DM either. The kids were really looking forward to it and I had planned socially distancing fun games to play with them in the garden.
I explained this to them (DH meanwhile gets inexplicably grumpy with me but claims he's not).
I've sent a message saying I really would love to see them and it's a shame they don't feel able to, that I don't want to be "bad cop". I basically just said let's give it our best shot and have a lovely day.
SIL has said she will think about it.
DH that had ignored the entire conversation and not got involved at all then just a messages "it's all fine. Just come over".
AIBU 1- with the measures me and DH agreed on?
AIBU 2- I feel like I've been made to be the bad cop and that DH has just ridden roughshod over the entire discussion and now I look like an ass.

• sorry that should say his mum, not him.

You are aware of the risks BUT you still invited them over. They know the risks but they still said they'd come.
It does seem now you are getting carried away with the logistics and are a bit anxious and it may look like you are worried they aren't being careful and that they'll infect you.
I think you should have thought about all this before you invited them as it does look like you are wishing they weren't coming and it doesn't feel very relaxed and isn't very welcoming for them.
You're selling it as a bit or a chore for yourself.
DH sounds like he's a bit embarrassed.

tbh i would think the goal posts were being moved to much so i wouldn't attend, but then i personally would have declined in the first place.

None of you are being unreasonable. As you are recently bereaved, it is understandable that you are feeling sensitive.

I would suggest forgetting about the BBQ and think of something different to do. Maybe meet MIL and FIL separately from BIL and SIL family.

It sounds like a big hassle and faf tbh. Either you’re comfortable with it or you’re not. Different people have different risk tolerances and yours sound like yours are lower than your in-laws. Separate picnic blankets, bring your own knife and forks sounds excessive to me, I would just seat people apart. letting them get their own food in ‘turns’ sounds ok to me.

I’m not sure. I think discussing every minute detail in a WhatsApp is slightly off putting for a potential guest. Your DH’s intervention was probably him trying to put an end to discussing all the endless rules in the WhatsApp and just chill out and sort it on the day.

But I agree if you are really so anxious about it, you might have to forget it because ime everyone will forget the rules, especially the kids.

I think asking everyone to bring their own blankets and utensils is too much. Surely you'd lob any blankets into the wash afterwards, utensils into the washing up bowl and clean any chairs they sat on.
It does sound like you're trying to micromanage what should be a lovely day, to the extent you're putting people off. They're your family, surely you trust them to behave responsibly else why invite them in the first place?

I understand why you're being cautious but if I was your ILs I'd assume that you were trying to get out of the bbq or you were making a judgement about my family's behaviour during lockdown. If I was your ILs I'd prefer a message asking me to bring a picnic blanket and utensils. I didn't need to know details like you were going to use the upstairs loo. The long discussion about details would make me feel anxious and not want to come. On the day you could ask the adults from the family to serve their household.

I think you were trying to do the right thing. It sounds like all of you have been in a position to get Covid. The last thing anyone wants,surely, is to pass it on to family. Your precautions sound very sensible.

Your DH should be backing you, not being pathetic.

If they don't want to take sensible precautions not to get it or pass it on, best they don't come frankly. The kids will get over it.

Have a nice BBQ by yourselves if they want to
Be OA &/or stroppy!

You’re either shielding or you’re not op. You can’t arrange a family bbq but then have everyone petrified of breaking your big list of sanitation rules. Bringing your own blankets, trying to keep away from each other, banning small children from approaching anyone (which constantly trying to enforce will certainly spoil the parents day), and having to bring your own utensils because you don’t want anyone touching anything, whilst you’re running round sterilising after everyone doesn’t exactly sound fun does it? I wouldn’t go

Isn’t a gathering of more than six people breaking the rules anyway? Even if you are in the garden and maintaining social distance?

So you’re breaking the rules before they’ve even arrived. I can understand their frustration then that you are being so ‘cautious’ about bringing their own utensils etc when you appear to be happy to not follow the guidance yourself.

I assumed OP was following the guidelines currently given for holding BBQs in the garden wit other households

Yes 2 households of any size.
The OP said in laws plus SiL and nephew. Add her own household and children and you’ve got 3 households and more then 6 unless SiL lives with PiL?
The 1m reduction doesn’t happen until 4 July so they would be expected to stay 2m apart in the garden.

I don't think you are over the top in the slightest. All of my family do pretty much exactly as you have suggested when visiting family or hosting. We have had to be careful to enable us to work right through lockdown.

From the current guidance:
“Outdoors, people from multiple households can meet in groups of up to six - but two households can meet regardless of size”.

Everyone knows not everyone’s following the rules. Wish people wouldn’t keep banging on about whatever bollocky guidelines the governments made up. No one seems to actually know what they are anyway

I don't think it's unreasonable to set your own personal level of comfort around risk, particularly as you are recently bereaved. However, everyone else is doing the same and seems obvious that there's a mismatch here between you and the others. I personally would find your rules quite unwelcoming, although I know it's not your intention. If it was me, I'd suggest we take a rain check for now until situation improves or you feel more comfortable with things. What you've described just sounds like a really awkward set up all round, to me.

You're being really considerate and sensible OP.

It's not a big deal. Like meeting up for a picnic in a park but you're providing the food and a toilet.

Your rules are minimal and quite frankly what everyone should be doing anyway.

I'd be royally fucked off with MiL for making snarky comments about this considering you've lost a close family member. I'd be even more fucked off with DH for undermining me because his family are being idiots. DH should be backing you up and having a few stern words with MiL.

Enjoy your bbq without them

I agree with you OP!
I'm thinking of doing a bbq but don't see how it would work and if my family would do as they are told because I seem to be the only one who understands how not to spread germs!
I'm thinking maybe coffee and cake instead as less sharing tomato sauce etc. I can be very clean doing this and then I won't spend the week after worrying I have infected my parents.

You made it extremely hard work. Why are you making them bring their own cutlery? Surely you could wear gloves and put straight in dishwasher/washing up bowl? You’ve taken it a bit far I think and taken all the fun out of it.

Seems over the top OP to ask people to bring their own utensils and blankets etc as presumably they’ll be washed afterward anyway.
Antiseptic wipes in the bathroom and dotted around the kitchen plus additional hand towels for guests to use would be sensible but the rest of it sounds as though you’re setting yourself up for a fall.
The point of it would be to enjoy it presumably!!

you're trying to micromanage what should be a lovely day, to the extent you're putting people off. They're your family, surely you trust them to behave responsibly else why invite them in the first place?

Yep. If I got that list of rules in a whatsapp I'd start feeling uncomfortable about going. Not because the rules are entirely unreasonable, but because suddenly the day, far from being fun, sounds like it will be really tense, with someone policing the whole proceedings.

So yes, I see why your DH intervened to stop that conversation getting more and more tense.

I hope they come, but if they do, you HAVE to relax a bit and stand back. You can't be the fun police here.

I think you've been quite OTT with the blankets & utensils which you would have washed anyway. And it would suffice to clean the downstairs loo before and after guests are there, I don't think everyone has to clean surfaces in between (especially since they don't seem bothered about spreading between the two households of PIL & BIL/SIL).

If I were PIL, I would still come and stick by your rules for the sake of seeing family. If I were BIL and SIL with a 4 year old, I would absolutely stay away. You're clearly not ready to have a 4 year old running around, and they're right that it would ruin the day for them to have to constantly police dc's behaviour to make sure he doesn't go near anyone else or touch things he shouldn't.

YANBU to want DH to stick to what you agreed together, and YANBU for having your own rules in your house, but personally I think those rules are too rigid and go beyond what is required. And I think anyone caring for a young child in that scenario is 100% right to leave off coming round until things have relaxed.

As far as requesting they bring their own blanket - fine as not everyone has lots, utensils seems ott as they are washed up in hot water/dishwasher. If you are ok with them coming the request to bring forks just seems contradictory. As for a preschool child not social distancing, hardly surprising, I had enough problems remembering when I went into work for the first time

Have them around or don't, all the rules arent going to make a fun day just stressful, give them blankets and forks and knives and wash them all when they're gone.