Aibu re:in laws round for bbq

[pemberlyshades]

So DH has organised for him mum, dad, sil and nephew (4) to come over for a bbq. I tried to discuss how we could do this is the safest way following current guidelines. We weren't totally sure what they were so I looked them up and sent them to the family WhatsApp.
Me and DH had a chat and decided it would be best if everyone could bring their own blanket and utensils, we can take it in turns to serve our own food, guests can use downstairs loo and clean touches surfaces after use and we will use upstairs. I thought of some games the kids could do etc.

MIL made some lighthearted/PA comments depending on how you read them about how she wouldn't move from her allocated spot, would bring her own potty etc.

I asked them to please bring their own picnic blankets to sit on and could they bring their own utensils. BIL (who can't make the bbq) then said if "if you are so worried about it then we won't come- nephew has been to preschool and having play dates with his friends and he doesn't know how to socially distance". (Bear in mind this has been recently as BIL and SIL aren't key workers so they've been at home through most of the pandemic).

I replied saying that I'm not worried, but both our kids have been to school (key worker classes) throughout. I know that several parents have been in contact with covid pos patients and public as we have kind of made loose friends with other key workers at drop off. My DHs boss is currently self isolating as she was contacted by track and trace. Both me and DH are key workers fwiw.

In addition my GF passed away from covid 8 weeks ago. They know this.
I explained that's why I want to be cautious.
SIL said they won't come at all now and I feel so gutted. The grandkids haven't seen MIL/FIL through lockdown as they are in the vulnerable age group. I haven't seen my DM either. The kids were really looking forward to it and I had planned socially distancing fun games to play with them in the garden.
I explained this to them (DH meanwhile gets inexplicably grumpy with me but claims he's not).
I've sent a message saying I really would love to see them and it's a shame they don't feel able to, that I don't want to be "bad cop". I basically just said let's give it our best shot and have a lovely day.
SIL has said she will think about it.
DH that had ignored the entire conversation and not got involved at all then just a messages "it's all fine. Just come over".
AIBU 1- with the measures me and DH agreed on?
AIBU 2- I feel like I've been made to be the bad cop and that DH has just ridden roughshod over the entire discussion and now I look like an ass.

I get why you are being careful but if I got that list of rules I would assume you didn’t actually want me there
It would be impossible with a 4 year old, what if he sat on the “wrong” blanket or used the “wrong” plate
I don’t think you are unreasonable but I probably wouldn’t invite people (in fact I haven’t) until the guidelines are more relaxed

It doesn't really sound like much fun though OP, that's the problem. I've been to friends a couple of times now, for drinks and a BBQ. We sat at the outside table, and didn't share cutlery, that was about it. Nobody has been ill.

yeah i would prefer to not go under those circumstances - I'd get the feeling you'd rather we weren't there really

Thanks for everyone's thoughts- I can see there's a bit of a divide. I didn't message about the other details- I literally asked them to bring a picnic blanket and their own cutlery- and I only did that because of the guidelines. I wasn't aware of the 6 ppl/2 households rule- but I don't think having an "in for a penny in for a pound" attitude would be helpful either.
Thank you for making me have a bit of a self reflection of my own thresholds of risk compared to theirs. The planned bbq wasn't making me anxious or anything like that- I was just trying to keep everything as safe as poss as MIL&FIL are elderly and my kids and DH may have been exposed.
My DH proposed this and you're right- if they know the risks then they can make their own decisions. I really thought I was just being practical to set everyone at ease.

Your SIL is an idiot if she can't see that you put a lot of thought into what is safest for her and her family

Yanbu. I think you've had quite a lot of flack on this thread, when actually you just meant well. The idea of setting out some rules in advance is so everyone can feel prepared and comfortable that there isnt going to be any unexpected rule-breaking, which means that people CAN relax on the day as they know what is expected.

I think a 4 year old is capable of following some basic SD rules now, they've been doing it for months. For sure, my 18 month old knows perfectly well to hang back when he meets people, he doesnt run up to people ever (which is pretty sad, really).

I think it is incredibly difficult at the moment as the rules keep changing, no one seems to share exactly the same understanding of what is permissable, and for various reasons people have different risk appetites.

You're probably in a no-win situation. If you hadn't set clear parameters for your guests, I expect there would have been sniffy comments about putting them at risk and how much exposure you might have had to people with covid19.

@HathorX you've got it exactly. I was only trying to communicate clearly. My nephew is 4- and my youngest is 4. She understands socially distancing and has been (supported from us) able to do it. Maybe I was wrong to assume SIL can do the same?

Also that's sad but also impressive about your 18m old! Kudos!

@Gogogadgetarms

Yes 2 households of any size. The OP said in laws plus SiL and nephew. Add her own household and children and you’ve got 3 households and more then 6 unless SiL lives with PiL? The 1m reduction doesn’t happen until 4 July so they would be expected to stay 2m apart in the garden.

It’s also only 1m from 4 July if 2m is not possible but in a garden it’s reasonable to expect people to stay 2m away or else find a bigger area to meet in.

You've clearly done a better job with your child than they have with there's.
You might mean well, but it just sounds so much faff, I wouldn't come.

I'm not understanding why you want them to bring their own cutlery and blankets. There is literally zero risk to you if they use tour cutlery. You wash it, and your hands, afterwards anyway. Don't you have seats? I wouldn't go to a BBQ if I was expected to sit on a blanket rather than a chair regardless of Covid.

Seriously OP, all the best laid plans but if there is alcohol involved then the best will on the world won't make people SD. Trust me.

Also, picnic blankets? Just get some camping chairs, there's loads on sale atm and they can be folded up and shoved on a cupboard afterwards

You don't need to ask people to bring their own utensils, hot water and soap! The only thing you need to think about is the cleaning the toilet area after each use. Have hand gel on tap and relax.

I think you are ridiculous asking them to bring their own stuff. That's more of a pain for anyone to cart all of that and behave as if they are in their own house anyway. Why even bother to have a bbq? I think it's either you are socializing or not. You are just trying to make yourself feel better about being cautious, when the only thing that will work is actually not hosting people.

I think by imposing those rules you suck all the fun and relaxation out of the day. I wouldn't want to come and be in fear of touching someone else's utensil or hanging on to my kids to stop them doing what kids do.
That been said, that's exactly why we haven't met up with my mum, dad and brother. We would rather wait until we could be completely relaxed like it was before.
You've had a bereavement so it's understandable that you don't feel completely comfortable. There will be plenty of time for bbqs.

The sensible thing would be to wait until it’s safer.