To think I'm not facilitating my friend's anxiety?

[Megatron]

I'm trying to work out if I am helping in this situation or not. One friend says I am 'facilitating' my friend's anxiety and 'pandering' to it. I don't think I am, but would like some other opinions. I should say, it's not caused any kind of friction between friend and me, I just don't know if she has a point or not.

We have a mutual long-standing close friend who has chronic anxiety. I am really fond of her and she's been a great friend to me in the past, is so kind and always has time for people. We are pretty close. She suffers from chronic anxiety, depression and had a nervous breakdown several years ago. She has a lovely DH and two gorgeous girls that she would do anything for.

She has struggled massively throughout lockdown, as many people have, and it's increased her anxiety levels massively. We message most days and I have been concerned about how she's feeling but she won't ring her doctor in case they want to see her, there's no way she'd go. We have a small friendship group of 6 of us and one of us (not me) has just been given a great promotion at work that she's worked really hard for. She's invited everyone for a socially distanced celebratory drink in her garden on Sunday over WhatsApp and it's completely put my friend in a spin.

She ignored the message for a couple of days then messaged me to say that she didn't know what to do, she hadn't slept since getting the message and the thought of her going makes her feel sick as she didn't feel she can go. I told her to just send a message and say so, which she did and our other friends are fine about it (apart from one) - they know she struggles massively and didn't want her to feel pressured. I suggested that when she feels ready, we could go for a walk (2 m apart obv) which she said she'd think about and maybe she could come to her front door and we could have a chat if I stayed by her gate etc. All little things to try to give her a bit of confidence.

Friend who is not happy that mutual friend not coming sent a message to me asking if I could 'talk some sense' into mutual friend and said that she needs to sort herself out and come for our other friend. I said that mutual friend is struggling (as she knows) and doesn't feel that she can just yet. Friend says that I am just facilitating her anxiety and that mutual friend needs to 'snap out of this nonsense'. I don't think it's quite as simple as that and I'm only trying to support mutual friend. I don't have any experience of chronic anxiety but I see what it does to my friend and how it affects her. The last thing she needs is criticism and I want her to feel comfortable, not terrified when she does feel she can some out. I don't really know if I should be doing anything different to support her apart from listen I suppose. Any advice would be appreciated.

You could help your friend self refer on line for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy through IAPT (NHS talking therapies provision). Right now CBT is being delivered by Skype etc so she could have some support from home. Obviously the ultimate goal is not to be trapped at home but in the early days this might help her to at least engage with support, if she’s too anxious to go to the GP. You should be able to google IAPT and your area to find your local service.

if anyone ever says to me that they don’t want to do something, Covid or not, then it’s totally fine. That’s their decision. Your mutual friend is being really unfair and you are doing the right thing.

@sugarbum I agree. I wouldn’t be going either, and I don’t suffer from anxiety.

Your anxious friend doesn’t have to do anything she doesn’t want to do. Your other friend is ignorant and should mind her own business.

bluemolly oh yes I fully agree, that's why I think the anxious friend needs expert help.

I think there are too questions in this thread:

1. Was my bossy friend right that my anxious friend needs to 'snap out of it'.

• no clearly not, that's totally the wrong attitude.

1. Am I helping my friend by enabling her to avoid the things that trigger her anxiety.

• well, no probably not. I actively discourage dh and close friends from helping me avoid scary things.

Anxious friend needs help, and OP might actually be getting in the way of that if anxious friend is relying her for support instead.

Like I said, I've been there, and as a result I'm cautious about becoming close friends with people who are really keen to 'help', just like several posters have said they avoid people who will rely them too much. It doesn't end well for either party.

If I was too anxious to take my kids to school, that's a real problem that needs addressing. If someone does it for me, it feels like a bit less of a problem, so a bit less urgent that I get help.

*two not too

I think you’re being very very kind and supportive, and she’s lucky to have you as a friend.

Sorry, I'm not ignoring I had to finish off some work.

Please do not try to convince your anxious friend that she needs to go to this event. A friend who bullies another friend is not a friend. I promise that this has never crossed my mind, it's the last thing I'd do.

I'll try to answer some questions at the same time. Mutual friend has had quite a lot of therapy, including CBT which she says has helped her but her anxiety really is still so crippling. She has to prepare herself for the 'smallest' situation like a meal out with friends etc. I put smallest in quotation marks because it's not a small situation to her, it's huge and it takes up so much of her energy to 'gee herself up' she can often be in bed the next day after something like that. Her husband is very lovely but also suffers from anxiety which isn't easy for either of them. I wish I could help her, she's such a lovely person but I'm not qualified to help in any other way than be a decent friend really.

You sounds like just the kind of friend everyone needs. Compassionate and kind. Your other friend however needs to work on having some empathy. Whilst it must be frustrating when someone cancels, the other friend is clearly unwell. Hope she’s feeling better soon.

This is why I get annoyed sometimes at the sheer number of people who claim to have 'anxiety' or 'depression' when what they mean is they have perfectly normal bouts of occasional stress or a week or two of the blues. Your friend has debilitating anxiety. Your suggestion of gentle challenge was excellent. Your other friend sounds utterly clueless about the realities of severe anxiety.

You sound like such a lovely and caring friend and your friend is super lucky to have you.
In regards to the other friend she has no understanding what so ever it's not easy to just switch off from anxious thoughts other wise if it was no one would suffer with anxiety or any mental health issues if it was as easy as pulling yourself together.

I think what your doing is right don't push your friend let her slowly come round and perhaps just keep telling her to get in touch with her doctors again to perhaps help her with either medication or therapy.

Lockdown has stressed us all out and even those who don't suffer normally have had bouts of feeling low or majorly stressed out

Just carry on being the decent friend you are. Putting too much pressure on your friend and making her feel more awful about her anxiety than she already does could push her away and lead to increased isolation.

I agree with withgraceinmyheart.

Clearly she won't just snap out of it and the party isn't really the issue here anyway. The real issue is that anxiety is totally crippling and stops the sufferer seeing anything objectively and that's how it destroys support networks / key relationships.

Your friend's response is inexcusable but she's probably just frustrated and doesn't know how to help.

My best friend has anxiety and depression. I have noticed that sometimes when friends are very black and white type personalities, it can actually be far more helpful that the softly, softly approach.

I don't know how old your friend is, but it's got to the point now where much of my friend's life is passing her by and she's really missed out because of it 😢

I think you do need to keep reminding your friend how limiting anxiety is, how it's an illness and how she needs to see the doctor for help.

Your friend is an ignorant bitch and I'd tell her to go educate herself. You sound like a great friend to mutual friend and what you've suggested is lovely.

I completely sympathise with your anxious friend, I'm in the same position.

My anxiety is bad, and whilst my friends are all meeting for socially distanced walks and picnics, i haven't felt able to attend.

Thankfully all of my friends have been really supportive.

You aren't pandering to your friend. She needs more friends like you!
She needs to feel supported and know her friends are there waiting for when she feels ready to see them.

I don't really understand why the Unreasonable Friend wants the Anxious Friend to go so badly as it sounds like they are quite incompatible.
I would just shut down the UF - say it is AF's decision and nothing to do with you (or UF) and you're not discussing it further. You are being a good friend to AF and you should continue to be there for her in the ways she finds comfortable.

My OH and sister both have anxiety (although probably not chronic), and often joke that I make little to no accommodation for it - mostly because I don't understand it.

That said, even I in this circumstance wouldn't guilt either of them into going to the gathering.

People should be allowed to have their own boundaries (anxiety or no anxiety), and everyone is entitled to say no to an invitation.

Honestly, I'd drop the anxiety point of the conversation with the other friend and just say, she doesn't want to go, she is an adult, she should not be forced into doing anything she doesn't want to do.

In most other circumstances, the whole world accepts that adults have the autonomy to make their own decisions, and should only do things that they want to do (within the realms of not hurting others).

There's no hardship of her not turning up to this event, so she shouldn't be forced into it.

Would she tell a paralysed person to "snap out of it" and just get up and walk?
No, of course not, because people treat physical issues much more sympathetically.
The fact is, your friends brain is physically not working as a "normal" brain does, it is no more controllable than a physical illness.

Just like a broken bone, it takes time to treat and heal.

I wish your friend all the best, and you're bloody brilliant for doing what you're doing for her.

Just read your update OP. I really do feel for your friend, it's so hard if you've had help in the past and it hasn't worked for you. It can feel like you're beyond all help and you have no choice but to give in and accept the way things are.

Anxiety is a big fat liar.

There are so many different types of therapy out there, I tried several before I found something that worked for me. It was a long journey but so, so worth it.

I did compassion focused therapy, which taught me how to kind to myself, both by developing a compassionate inner voice and by dealing with issues head on so they don't overwhelm me. That's how I learned to be own safe place instead of needing others to be that for me.

I really hope your friend finds something that works for her, there are lots of options beyond CBT.

Thanks everyone. I'm not entertaining another conversation with friend about mutual friend. I don't feel comfortable talking about it to her anyway.

did compassion focused therapy, which taught me how to kind to myself, both by developing a compassionate inner voice and by dealing with issues head on so they don't overwhelm me. That's how I learned to be own safe place instead of needing others to be that for me.

@withgraceinmyheart I'm going to look into this, thank you, I've never heard of this kind of therapy before.

You've got it right. You are supporting your friend in the most appropriate way, and it's not to facilitate her anxiety!

Baby steps and each time a tiny bit more. Her going into a situation where it forces her to be very mentally stressed will cause untold damage. She wouldn't enjoy herself at all anyway. It's so much deeper than being able to snap out of it!

Carry on doing what you are, you are in the right path.

Maybe build up to a cup of tea in her garden. If she has a side gate you could take your own chair, your own flask and even wear a mask if she was still nervous.
All these things will help her feel safe.

Little steps.

@Megatron nothing I can say that hasn’t been said, but you’re being a great friend, Keep doing it 👍

You're welcome OP.

But please don't look into it for her. Please give her the name of the therapy and let her look into it herself and ask GP or private therapist if it's available.

I know it's hard, but you can't do this for her. The only lasting changes will be the ones she makes herself.

She needs to build her own confidence, no one else can do that for her.

It actually undermines my confidence when others step in to help me, because they're reinforcing the idea in my head that I'm helpless and I can't cope.

I'm not helpless, and neither is your friend. She can do this.