To think I'm not facilitating my friend's anxiety?

[Megatron]

I'm trying to work out if I am helping in this situation or not. One friend says I am 'facilitating' my friend's anxiety and 'pandering' to it. I don't think I am, but would like some other opinions. I should say, it's not caused any kind of friction between friend and me, I just don't know if she has a point or not.

We have a mutual long-standing close friend who has chronic anxiety. I am really fond of her and she's been a great friend to me in the past, is so kind and always has time for people. We are pretty close. She suffers from chronic anxiety, depression and had a nervous breakdown several years ago. She has a lovely DH and two gorgeous girls that she would do anything for.

She has struggled massively throughout lockdown, as many people have, and it's increased her anxiety levels massively. We message most days and I have been concerned about how she's feeling but she won't ring her doctor in case they want to see her, there's no way she'd go. We have a small friendship group of 6 of us and one of us (not me) has just been given a great promotion at work that she's worked really hard for. She's invited everyone for a socially distanced celebratory drink in her garden on Sunday over WhatsApp and it's completely put my friend in a spin.

She ignored the message for a couple of days then messaged me to say that she didn't know what to do, she hadn't slept since getting the message and the thought of her going makes her feel sick as she didn't feel she can go. I told her to just send a message and say so, which she did and our other friends are fine about it (apart from one) - they know she struggles massively and didn't want her to feel pressured. I suggested that when she feels ready, we could go for a walk (2 m apart obv) which she said she'd think about and maybe she could come to her front door and we could have a chat if I stayed by her gate etc. All little things to try to give her a bit of confidence.

Friend who is not happy that mutual friend not coming sent a message to me asking if I could 'talk some sense' into mutual friend and said that she needs to sort herself out and come for our other friend. I said that mutual friend is struggling (as she knows) and doesn't feel that she can just yet. Friend says that I am just facilitating her anxiety and that mutual friend needs to 'snap out of this nonsense'. I don't think it's quite as simple as that and I'm only trying to support mutual friend. I don't have any experience of chronic anxiety but I see what it does to my friend and how it affects her. The last thing she needs is criticism and I want her to feel comfortable, not terrified when she does feel she can some out. I don't really know if I should be doing anything different to support her apart from listen I suppose. Any advice would be appreciated.

Why doesn’t your mutual friend ‘talk some sense into her’ and tell her to ‘snap out of it’? Why does it have to be you?

Oh, perhaps because it’s a horrible and insensitive thing to do so she won’t be the one to attempt it.

@Thepilotlightsgoneout

Why doesn’t your mutual friend ‘talk some sense into her’ and tell her to ‘snap out of it’? Why does it have to be you?

Oh, perhaps because it’s a horrible and insensitive thing to do so she won’t be the one to attempt it.

Yes, well you have a point there. She pitched it under the 'you're closer to her than anyone else' which is probably true.

You are doing the right thing and being an incredibly good friend. I have a friend in the same position and what she needs more than anything is space and understanding. I know that she makes contact when she feels able and that withdrawing is part of the condition. I will be here for her if it takes weeks, months, years and she knows that; sounds like your friend does as well.

Your friend is not only being ignorant about how crippling anxiety can be, but also a bit of a bully. If a grown woman doesn't want to attend an event, she doesn't have to ffs.

I can't talk about your friend, but for me, my anxiety has gotten a lot worse over the lockdown to the point I am struggling to take the rubbish out now, when before lockdown I was able to do the school run without much difficulty.

I think its because I basically had permission from the government to stay at home and now the thought of leaving my flat sends me into full on panic.

I am having to start again from step one to try and manage my anxiety but its a lot harder because I have DS with me all the time and he won't really understand doing baby steps, so I would tell your other friend to butt out and work with your friend on baby steps, even if thats you maybe looking after her kids (I am assuming that the partner is back at work) for a few hours so she can concentrate on her babysteps or like you suggest talking to her from her front door and then maybe she can stand at her gate and you stand 2m down the road.

But make sure you look after your own mental health, I know that it can be drain looking after yours and someone elses problems

FFS I hate people like this. I DONT suffer from anxiety, but I wouldn't be going for a drink with 5 other people in the garden on Sunday either because whatever Boris says and whatever other people think, I don't happen to think its safe. Especially if everyone's drinking. Social distancing will go out of the window with close friends.
Please do not try to convince your anxious friend that she needs to go to this event. A friend who bullies another friend is not a friend.

I've been there with the whole anxiety shebang and your friend is being a weapons-grade arsehole. Yes, there were (and are) times when I've needed to be told to get a grip because my fears were irrational and unrealistic, but telling someone to 'pull themselves together' to get over a mental health problem is just shitty behaviour. Some people cannot understand what it is like to have MH problems but they can still empathise - your friend can't and she should either bother to educate herself on this front or keep her opinions to herself.

I can understand the frustration at being on the receiving end of someone's behaviours (I have a friend with 'issues' and over the years I've gradually stepped away from the friendship because I can't bear to be on the receiving end of her endless neuroses), but it's not like she's doing it deliberately. That said, it sounds like your anxious friend really does need some help. Why won't she ring her GP? They may be able to do phone consultations with a prescription she can collect and/or a referral for phone-based counselling.

I don’t see why the friend is so over-invested in who goes and who does not go to the celebratory drinks. She obviously doesn’t understand what it’s like to live with anxiety and how it takes over your life.

What a lovely friend you are

'while your other friend is displaying a total lack of empathy, your anxious friend needs to find some better coping strategies, i think?
Because if getting an invitation stops her sleeping for 3 days how does that affect her family? Of course you can't say that to her because, anxiety.

How does her partner cope? her children?'

This.

Other friend needs to pack in all the 'snap out of it' stuff, though (very much the kind of thing said by people who 'speak as they find' and 'don't suffer fools gladly').

FWIW: If anxious friend were to do therapy, she would be (gently) advised that avoiding anxiety-inducing situations is the worst thing she can do, and asked not to ask friends (such as you) to do things for her that her life requires her to do because she can't face them. The children will be picking up on this. IIWY I would be cautious about 'giving her what she needs' as it may well be exactly what she doesn't need - I don't so much mean wrt party invitations, but certainly taking her children to school for her actually crosses over into the unhelpful.

Oh the irony - so your friend doesn't want to raise the problem she alone has with your anxious friend, she wants you to do the dirty work for her?

Lol. Would that be, by any chance, because raising it isn't a nice thing to do and would be something Pushy Friend might feel quite anxious about undertaking?

I would make that point I think.

'No, I'm not interested in raising this with X, I understand her position. I don't think especial closeness makes much difference here, I suggest you have a chat with her yourself?'

'Oh no I'm not very happy doing that, you are closer, you should do it'

'So what you're saying is that the thought of raising this with Friend makes you feel uncomfortable and awkward, possibly quite anxious - so you don't want to do it? Have a think about that for a moment.'

:)

Friend who is not happy that mutual friend not coming sent a message to me asking if I could 'talk some sense' into mutual friend and said that she needs to sort herself out and come for our other friend.

I don't see why she has to go at all what ever her reason.

I'd assume the one messaging is closer to promotion friend than anxiety friend and I'd wonder what the purpose of this message actually was.

Getting a mutal friend to harass someone over not accepting an invite is odd.

I have come under pressure to appear at events for someone else usually the person the event is for while pelased at attendance hasn't really not that bothered.

Certainly when DH turned down an invite due to move new job and very young baby - the people objecting were really having a go at me- the wife who couldn't cope ignoreing fact he couldn't get back in time for first day on job we'd just moved across country with very young kids - rather than being that desperate to have his company.

Can anxiety friend join the drinks via Zoom?

for while pleased at attendance wan't really that bothered.

It's midday and I'm still not properly awake .

Oh wow so you're telling me I could have nipped my anxiety in the bud this whooooole time and just snapped out of it !! I must tell my doctor!

Seriously though your other friend is being horrible, I'm glad your anxious friend has a good person like yourself to turn to! It makes all the difference when someone supports you like this

YANBU OP, in fact you're a wonderful friend!

I bet your other friend is the type of person who thinks someone with depression should just "cheer up".

I'd go so far as to say having this friend as part of your group is probably hindering your anxious friend's wellbeing too as she'll certainly be picking up on her attitute and thereby making her feel worse.

I'm not sure about this. I can see that mutual friend is overstepping and being insensitive, but on the other hand they do have a point.

Avoiding triggers makes them worse. We really do need to 'face our fears'. I say that as someone with OCD so severe I was almost hospitalised a couple of years ago.

I think you're doing the right thing by encouraging her to go for walks and meet one on one a few times first. It does sound like she needs be taking responsibility herself rather than relying only on you, but it might just be the way it's come across in the post. I might be projecting because I know at times I've relied on particular friends in the past to help me feel safe instead of building my own sense of safety. It's easy to do when you're struggling.

She needs to get some professional support really. A therapist will be able to support her in addressing her anxieties head on without encouraging dependence.

YANBU. Your friend is trying to bully someone with a mental health issue, to do something that she is saying will make it worse. Would she do that with a physical health issue - 'oh I know you have a nut allergy Sue but just get over it and eat this pecan pie, it's my birthday and its important to me that you celebrate it in the specific way that I want, stop being such a drama queen!'. I hope not! And what would she do if your friend went and it set her back or she had a full blown panic attack? She is being unsympathetic, unempathetic and selfish

Bossy Friend needs to mind her own business. If she feels that strongly about it, she can ruin her friendship with Anxious Friend by trying to force guilt her to attend.

Maybe Anxious Friend can tell Bossy Friend that actually, it's not "just" the anxiety at play here. She's also just not fussed to see Bossy Friend at the moment. Meeting up with friends for drinks may not hold the universal appeal she thinks it does. I'd rather stay home, personally!

@withgraceinmyheart

I'm not sure about this. I can see that mutual friend is overstepping and being insensitive, but on the other hand they do have a point.

Avoiding triggers makes them worse. We really do need to 'face our fears'. I say that as someone with OCD so severe I was almost hospitalised a couple of years ago.

I think you're doing the right thing by encouraging her to go for walks and meet one on one a few times first. It does sound like she needs be taking responsibility herself rather than relying only on you, but it might just be the way it's come across in the post. I might be projecting because I know at times I've relied on particular friends in the past to help me feel safe instead of building my own sense of safety. It's easy to do when you're struggling.

She needs to get some professional support really. A therapist will be able to support her in addressing her anxieties head on without encouraging dependence.

Yes but advice on facing fears needs to come from helpful, supportive professionals, not from people being critical and nasty.

OP, you could let your friend know that she could ask for a phone apt with her GP and wouldn’t have to physically go. Many are only doing phone right now anyway.

I'd turn it back on the interfering friend, "I know with your control issues this is hard for you" etc.
Basically you are all adults and can make your own decisions how to comport yourselves.
If interfering friend can't recognise and accept that she should probably go to a GP for a counselling referral herself.

Of course you're not BU. Tell her she needs to wind her neck in and maybe do some reading on the subject

I would msg mutual friend and say you ill go and talk to Anxiety friend but she probably isn,t ready for drinks right now but you are talking to her.

Your friend is not getting married, it is a few drinks in the garden. How has it become such a big drama? Bossy friend needs to keep her snout out and stop judging!! Anxiety friend needs to take her time and gradually start to ease into life without more pressure. Hostess needs to invite her to join via zoom for fifteen minutes and then enjoy herself.

You are a good friend, they are blessed to have you op.