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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

5 year old unsupervised

59 replies

RoLaren · 25/06/2020 18:25

More of a WWYD? but posting for traffic.

5 year old boy from 4 doors up keeps getting out of his house/garden, running down to us to shouting at the gate to my 5 year old to come and play. It's happening at different times of the day including after 9pm. Sometimes dressed, sometimes only in pants, shoeless, sometimes carrying his tea.

They have played together in the past and I know he has some ASD-type tendencies including impulsively running across the road.

My husband usually walks him safely home when he turns up alone and the parents always smile and thank us but don't seem to see it as a problem.

I'm terrified that he'll be abducted or hit by a car. This evening I'm on my own and could only shout at him to go home because I can't leave my three unattended to see him home.

What should I do? Talk to parents again, police, NSPCC, SS?

OP posts:
4Smalls · 26/06/2020 11:35

Jeez, shocked at the number of people on this thread urging OP to 'report them' or 'call social services' as first step rather than talk to the parents. Sad

LST · 26/06/2020 11:40

@4smalls me too

GrumpyHoonMain · 26/06/2020 11:40

Try and arrange play dates during the day and be firm with him ie don’t encourage play if he crosses the road by himself again - just take him straight home.

4Smalls · 26/06/2020 11:43

@MatildaTheCat

I’d talk to them. ‘I’ve brought Jonny home to you. I hope you don’t mind but I’m really concerned about him coming down to us on his own, someone I knew had a child badly injured when out alone. Going forward I will let you know if Jack is available to play and you can bring Jonny down. They are so vulnerable and unpredictable at this age. Hope that’s ok.’

That’s not judgemental, it says that you are worried because of a prior experience (fictional) that has made you cautious.

I’d only flag it to an agency if that was completely ignored.

Yes, this is a good suggestion @MatildaTheCat !
rosiejaune · 26/06/2020 11:44

Running across the road when he's out with them is different from when he's focused on seeing his friend. Assume his parents know him best and have assessed the situation. Maybe they are rolling their eyes at your over-protectiveness.

I don't know why you are worried when he has consistently shown he is capable of arriving at your door safely, and it is historically normal for young children to go to each other's nearby houses unsupervised. This assumption of neglect is a cultural thing, and therefore prone to indirect discrimination (by both you and SS).

You would be very judgy of us. My daughter has always had free rein of our building, and often goes to her best friend's house a few doors away wearing nothing but underwear. Ditto the friend (who is 5 now, but did it younger too).

showmewhatyougot · 26/06/2020 12:34

I'd personally report to his school and ss, a child his age should not be allowed out on his own.

Original poster
RoLaren · 26/06/2020 17:20

Really interesting mix of responses from 'no 5 year old should be out unaccompanied' to 'it's fine for 3 year olds to wander the streets alone in my area'.

OP posts:
ItsSpittingEverybodyIn · 26/06/2020 17:34

Mine are 3, 6, and 7 and I don't let any of them out of my sight, why would you at that age? They have not much idea of danger at that age and common sense is thin on the ground, plus, you don't know who's around.

garbagegirl · 26/06/2020 18:02

Report them. Tell the local school. Call your local authority. Hell, call the effing police too if its 9pm at night.

Worst case scenario you are overreacting and the parents get an offer of support. I say this as a parent who has been (unnecessarily) reported. 100% you need to act in the interests of the child here and I really feel like a 5yr old leaving the house while their parents are unaware and nonchalant about it is a massive red flag. Trust your gut

Sod having that on my conscience.

SionnachGlic · 26/06/2020 21:39

Hi...if you did phone them & they did say to send him back alone, I would just say he has arrived at your door & you don't feel it is responsible of you to let him leave alone & they must come & get him...like right this minute. You msy have to be insistent that it is immediately as otherwise you run the risk of becoming a quasi babysitting service, depending on their attitude. At least declining to let him leave unaccompanied will tell them where you stand on 5 yrs olds running about unsupervised. When mine were little they went no-where unaccompanied...well, maybe our safely enclosed back garden! I think SS is an over reaction without any attempt at a conversation with parents to express concern.

crispysausagerolls · 26/06/2020 21:45

I can’t believe negligent pieces of shit people like this are allowed to have children.

Lockdownseperation · 26/06/2020 21:51

I’ve worked with kids for nearly 20 years. Every child protection course I’ve been on has drummed into me that unless you are a social worker or a police officer you don’t have to and you shouldn’t access if something is abusive or not. If your not sure then you report it to SS, they have the training and additional info about the situation to make that call.

AriadnesFilament · 26/06/2020 21:57

It’s one thing to have a 5 year old calling semi-regularly at reasonable times of the day when fully clothed.

But this one is wandering sometimes at past 9pm, sometimes in ONLY his pants, and sometimes carrying his dinner! His parents aren’t coming looking for him, they aren’t apologetic or offering explanations, they aren’t making suggestions to reduce frequency or help OP return him, they don’t appear to be bothered at all.

On what planet is a 5 year repeatedly wandering barefoot in only pants at past 9pm not neglectful?

I don’t know what to suggest, but the reason you feel uncomfortable, OP, is because this isn’t OK.

crispysausagerolls · 26/06/2020 22:02

It’s one thing to have a 5 year old calling semi-regularly at reasonable times of the day when fully clothed

This is also shocking and neglectful - he is 5!!!!

The rest of it... I have no words honestly you need to go and have a serious chat with the parents “how is he getting out at this time (or any time) and getting to my house?!”

If they don’t give a shit (and I can’t see how they do) then you need to report them. Poor little boy.

Voice0fReason · 26/06/2020 22:33

@4Smalls

Jeez, shocked at the number of people on this thread urging OP to 'report them' or 'call social services' as first step rather than talk to the parents. Sad
The parents are obviously already aware that he is going walkabout and they do not appear concerned about it. Talking to them will not tell you anything. I would report this to SS because they will go and check on him. That's what he needs.
Tonkerbea · 26/06/2020 23:08

I'd report, I would rather risk offending the adults than risk something happening to that little boy. Let SS make the call, it's what they're trained for.

Ireolu · 26/06/2020 23:36

Speak to the parents and get an idea of why he is managing to get out to you. Give it a specific amount of time if no improvement call nspcc as they may need support. I personally wouldn't rush to report without as much information as possible.

Thingsthatgo · 27/06/2020 07:00

It’s interesting that some people think that this is ok. I’m in my 40s, and by the age of 5 I was allowed to go and call for my friend who lived 10 houses away.
However, times have changed, and there is no way I would let my 5 year old do the same. So PP who said that historically this would be OK is completely right. But there are lots of things that would be ok historically, that are not ok anymore.
Some areas have a group of adults who will peer out of their front windows on to a quiet cul de sac sporadically, to keep an eye on all the kids playing out. But no one is keeping an eye out for this 5 year old on his own at 9pm. I would talk to the parents, and if there is no change I would follow up with his school if possible.

Figgygal · 27/06/2020 07:07

Talk to them
Say you are concerned and you need the visits to stop
If they fail to Stop him then yes escalate but why not give them a chance first?

theyarereallytakingthepissnow · 27/06/2020 07:16

Definitely report to SS for all the reasons pp advising this have cited.

Sirzy · 27/06/2020 07:25

It isn’t the OPs job to try to solve the issue or if needed support the family.

She has legitimate concerns and so needs to report them on. It may come to nothing, it may be part of a bigger picture that points to the family needing support.

One of the key points in any safeguarding training is don’t try to deal with concerns yourself but to report them on to suitably trained professionals

SteelyPanther · 27/06/2020 07:25

If he’s school age you can also report it to the school nurse.

Aebj · 27/06/2020 07:34

I would probably speak to the school. They might have a clearer picture and f what’s going on , especially if you don’t feel comfortable speaking to the parents.

Sceptre86 · 27/06/2020 07:43

I would get the parents number and call them if he should pop over at night. Like a previous poster has said they might not realise he has got away. If I was them I would be locking the front and back door in the evenings. I would try that for the first instance, if they show reluctance to come and get him or you still feel uneasy then at that point I would ring the nspcc to gain advice before ringing ss.

DDiva · 27/06/2020 07:50

The parents are obviously aware he is leaving the house without telling them, sometimes late at night and sometimes not dressed and they are not concerned. Talking to them is unlikely to change this it needs referring to as or nspcc. No child of 5 should be leaving their home regularly without the knowledge of their parents, the parents should have put extra security in place after the first incident.