To be a bit jealous of my neighbour's daughter

[perpetuallyunimpressed]

My OH and I have been together 17 years. 2 DD to my knowledge he has never been unfaithful and I can't remember really feeling jealous of any women he's known before. We live on a road with mostly elderly people.

At the beginning of lockdown the 4 of us were out for a walk with me and when i turned back OH was chatting to a woman and we waited a few minutes while they chatted and then he said she's the daughter of the couple that live 2 doors up from us. She's had to move in just prior to lockdown for some reason which isn't clear to me. First time he'd met her.

Then as the food shortages got a bit difficult he mentioned he's got some bits which we needed but hadn't been able to get, great, where from? he met her out again on another walk and they exchanged numbers then she contacted him to ask would he like anything.

Then some second hand clothes turned up that the neighbours grandchildren had outgrown, and a few more groceries. OH got a few things for them.

I know all this sounds completely reasonable and nice and it is but whenever I see this woman she just says hi as we pass and I find it a bit weird that she's such good chums with him but never speaks to me.

I have been working a lot since lockdown, long days and nights and weekends and OH has mostly been furloughed at home with the kids. I mentioned it to OH and he just brushed it off and seems completely innocent but he is a bit naive and I'm not sure he would notice if someone was giving him the come on. AIBU to have a weird feeling about it all?

[Lollee]

Listening to gut feelings seems to be something we have lost touch with as we have become so much more 'sophisticated and technological'. I am a single person and throughout my life if for any reason I have had cause to interact with the male of a couple I have always included the woman in the interaction. After all, if you are naturally a friendly person why would you not be friendly to both? The conclusion would seem to be her actions are saying, I am single, I like you and I am available if you want more'.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I got the crossed arms pursed lips from a woman at least 10 years younger and far slimmer than me walking my dog past the group with a husband I've seen in the street several times (who has made no attempt to shag me). Really???!!!???

[MikeUniformMike]

Not RTFT.
Trust your instinct.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

No Lollee her actions are saying I don't know you because I've passed you in the street once and I know from previous experience you will view me as a man stealing bitch.

I'm always friendly to both but if you only see one then that's hardly a sign she's up to anything sinister

[poppyfieldsinmay]

This is interesting. My male colleague (both in 40s) seems to think that if I invite a guy out for a drink after a class I go to, then this is a come on. I don't see it like that. I just see it as me chatting to someone after a class, and asking them if they want to continue the conversation ( I do this with women too). I've moved to a new city so I will chat to bloody anyone tbh. My colleague seems to think that if he chats to women they will think he fancies them, even if its just about their kids or something.

People definitely have very different ideas about what constitutes a come on and what is just being friendly.

[Greenkit]

When you were all out on your walk and you looked round to see DH chatting to this woman. Why didn't he say oh "OP" this is new neighbour, she has just moved in blaa blaa and introduce you.

Seems a bit odd

[Vodkacranberryplease]

But. Instinct is important. Just know the difference between that and jumping to conclusions.
The only way you will is by going out more and if you see her being friendly, and asking about her parents. Offering to swap numbers too etc.

Maybe you are right. Or maybe not. At least do some basic checking

[poppyfieldsinmay]

watching wives give you strange looks or pointedly ignore you is just awful. Then not being invited because you are single etc and the coupe de grace having a perfectly friendly neighbour start blanking you because his wife told him he had to. Jesus H Christ. I hope none of you ever find yourself divorced and shunned by neighbours for the crime of not living with a man

@Vodkacranberryplease that is bloody awful! It's like the 1950's!

[EmperorCovidula]

There is another angle to this? Is you DH normally approachable and sociable? Are you? Might she find you stand offish so prefers your DH?

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

I like how people in West have issue with strict gender segregation in some cultures, but god, it looks like half a women here are practicing it anyway.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

Green kit men never do this! It's for no other reason than it simply doesn't occur to them!

But poppies is right they do often sometimes view a friendly conversation as interest. It's biological apparently. I always ensure the conversation gets into their partner/family life asap which usually heads that one off. As does showing an interest in another (single) guy etc.

But neighbours over lockdown? God you'd have to be pretty sleazy to be picking up those signals from women who haven't worn proper makeup/done their hair for close to 3 months!

[zingally]

A gut feeling is still a gut feeling, and there's an evolutionary reason for having them. They are designed to be an advance warning system for "this could be a problem". I would always heed it.

Swapping numbers with a neighbour the first time you meet would be odd to me. It's not even like she's right next door. She's a randomer from up the street.

I don't feel like there's much you can do at the moment. But I'd keep your eye on it pretty firmly.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

@poppyfieldsinmay it's quite bizarre. And it's not like I get the chance to be friendly to the wives because they are never there and don't speak when they are as they are usually bundling children in/out of cars. But they most definitely won't speak if their husbands are there.

Perhaps I'm a sex goddess and didn't realise it?

[DeerHeart]

@Vodkacranberryplease

I agree re the parents. She's here but won't be forever. So she gets to know the neighbours, does some favours etc over lockdown and gets number so she can maybe ask if they can check on parents etc. She doesn't want to just do it to one person so swaps numbers with loads of people - the most helpful and friendly ones.

Meanwhile the wife that stands back, and is always busy is not the one you swap numbers with.

Honestly as a single woman I'm just so sick of this assumption that we want your husbands. Trust me, we don't and watching wives give you strange looks or pointedly ignore you is just awful. Then not being invited because you are single etc and the coupe de grace having a perfectly friendly neighbour start blanking you because his wife told him he had to. Jesus H Christ. I hope none of you ever find yourself divorced and shunned by neighbours for the crime of not living with a man.

I’m in a relationship now but when I wasn’t I was left out of loads, including by my own ‘best friend’. ‘Oh it’s just for couples, we’re watching a romcom and you wouldn’t be into it as you’re single and I wouldn’t want to watch a romantic film without a partner it would upset me.’
You’re right Shirley, I don’t want to watch that film with you, but not because I’m single, because it’s shit.

[frazzledasarock]

The walk thing is really weird, if you're walking together you don't just quietly break away from your family to have a private conversation with someone, surely you introduce your family to the neighbour?

Can't think any scenario where my DP would do that, it would be aloud conversation where we are all included.

I think men and women can be platonic friends, but generally in that scenario there's no secrecy or quiet intimacy in the friendship. Which exists in this situation.
And why is the H turning up with things out of the blue from the neighbour, why not ask or tell his wife that neighbour has xyz and has offered it to them?

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

Well I'm always friendly to the women as well... it's so I can dismantle their marriages from within, take their husbands and their children who will like me much better, of course... and they never see it coming...



Women are their own worst enemies sometimes.

[frazzledasarock]

When I was single I had the same experience of some women excluding me form things too. I didn't want to be around their husbands however and thought they were crazy.

Then one of my ex-friends also a single mum, had an affair with and married a married man (he left his new born baby for her, what a guy).

I can see why women would be wary of overly friendly women who have friendships with men which deliberately exclude them.

[poppyfieldsinmay]

And it's not like I get the chance to be friendly to the wives because they are never there and don't speak when they are as they are usually bundling children in/out of cars. But they most definitely won't speak if their husbands are there

It's never occurred to me to think that if my partner is talking to another woman that means they are on for some hot action together later. I've always had male friends and my partners have often had female friends. I've just regarded that as normal. I mean its not bloody Saudi Arabia. And if the only way to stop your partner from shagging other people is to keep them sex-segregated then you need to seriously re-evalutate your marriage. Besides, its a rubbish strategy as there are so many married people's dating sites that if they want to shag around they can.

[dooratheexplorer]

It depends on his normal behaviour and how this fits. If he talks and shares his phone number with everyone that's fine. DH has a friend like this so it wouldn't be out of character for him. However, if he will chat but prefers to shun the neighbours (like my DH!) then I'd be concerned.

You've picked something up on your antenna. There's probably a reason for that. Silently observe and see what happens.

She's 40 and single. That's attractive in itself. Plus beauty is in the eye of the beholder. She doesn't need to be a stunner.

[Happymum12345]

Men really don’t seem to care what other women look like, if they give them attention. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, he shouldn’t keep chatting to her alone & involve you in their conversations.

[Flyinggeese]

OP do you know what the messages or calls are like between them? That may help proove things one way or the other.

[TheVanguardSix]

If my DH struck up a friendship with a single, well groomed, no DC neighbour whilst I cook, clean and iron all his shit during lockdown I’d be livid.

Yep! He's got time on his hands.

[Ori37]

@BumbleBeee69

I agree. There's no need for the exchanging of numbers. I read your post and then tried to think how I'd feel if I were in your shoes. Don't like the fact that she's got his number and he's got hers, don't like the inappropriate level of friendliness (I'm not like this with neighbours I've known for years) and also she's single. Don't like any of it.

I sound like a jealous woman, and I am, for good reason, I don't want another single 40-something woman moving in on my DH! Not saying she will but fuck that shit, I'd be shutting that down right now.

Oh dear - I sound horrible! But it is what it is! No need ot be rude, just shut it down.

[SimonJT]

@MyGodImSoYoung

My fiance and I have an agreement that if any new people come into our lives wanting to be friends with either of us, then we need to make friends with them as a couple. It isn't applicable to people we each knew before we met each other, but it makes us (or, maybe just me ) more comfortable. If the new person isn't willing to befriend both of us, then it would make me question why.

Your situation may just be innocent; my fiance chats to all the neighbours and I am sure he would offer to help them out if they needed something, but he would tell me about it. Mind you, he has a tendency to only speak if he is asked questions, so he'd probably only tell me when I asked what he had been up to that day! xx

I know someone who did this, within six months of marriage the wife had zero friends as her husband didn’t see any of her friends as being friends with him. It isn’t unusual not to be friends with a partners friends.

[SchrodingersImmigrant]

If she was morbidly obese, not brushed her hair etc, would it be ok if she was friendly then?