To be a bit jealous of my neighbour's daughter

[perpetuallyunimpressed]

My OH and I have been together 17 years. 2 DD to my knowledge he has never been unfaithful and I can't remember really feeling jealous of any women he's known before. We live on a road with mostly elderly people.

At the beginning of lockdown the 4 of us were out for a walk with me and when i turned back OH was chatting to a woman and we waited a few minutes while they chatted and then he said she's the daughter of the couple that live 2 doors up from us. She's had to move in just prior to lockdown for some reason which isn't clear to me. First time he'd met her.

Then as the food shortages got a bit difficult he mentioned he's got some bits which we needed but hadn't been able to get, great, where from? he met her out again on another walk and they exchanged numbers then she contacted him to ask would he like anything.

Then some second hand clothes turned up that the neighbours grandchildren had outgrown, and a few more groceries. OH got a few things for them.

I know all this sounds completely reasonable and nice and it is but whenever I see this woman she just says hi as we pass and I find it a bit weird that she's such good chums with him but never speaks to me.

I have been working a lot since lockdown, long days and nights and weekends and OH has mostly been furloughed at home with the kids. I mentioned it to OH and he just brushed it off and seems completely innocent but he is a bit naive and I'm not sure he would notice if someone was giving him the come on. AIBU to have a weird feeling about it all?

[pigeon999]

Swapping numbers with random women he doesn't know seems odd to me, how would he feel if you did the same?

I would make it clear that its making you uncomfortable, and ask him to create some distance now the lockdown is over. There is no issue with him having female friends per se, but she is not his friend. Not unreasonable at all.

[Letthemysterybe]

It wouldn’t make me feel jealous. My DH is generally better at Neighbourly chat than me.
Are you saying anything more than ‘hi’ to this woman? Are you being friendly and open and offering neighbourly support, Or are you maybe giving her a curious look when you see her, as you try to suss her out?

[MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously]

I'm just going to add, do not invite her over as suggested by a pp. Of something is going to happen, befriending her won't stop it. And you don't want to send the message that her being in your house is okay.
I'd tell my husband that I am not happy and I want contact to stop. Or I'd delete her number from his phone and put it into mine and send her lots of 'csn you pick me up from Tesco X? Thanks from Mrs Hunt' type texts. Take over the communication and remind them both that you are very much present.

[DeerHeart]

Then making neighbourly friends is great. Then swapping numbers is odd. Don’t see why you would? Have lived where I’ve lived for years and years and chat to lots of neighbours. I don’t have any of their numbers.

[MyGodImSoYoung]

My fiance and I have an agreement that if any new people come into our lives wanting to be friends with either of us, then we need to make friends with them as a couple. It isn't applicable to people we each knew before we met each other, but it makes us (or, maybe just me ) more comfortable. If the new person isn't willing to befriend both of us, then it would make me question why.

Your situation may just be innocent; my fiance chats to all the neighbours and I am sure he would offer to help them out if they needed something, but he would tell me about it. Mind you, he has a tendency to only speak if he is asked questions, so he'd probably only tell me when I asked what he had been up to that day! xx

[TheVanguardSix]

The phone number exchange with him only rather than both of you is weird, imo.
Trust your gut, OP. When's DH back at work?

[Letthemysterybe]

My fiance and I have an agreement that if any new people come into our lives wanting to be friends with either of us, then we need to make friends with them as a couple.. Wtf??? This isn’t healthy behaviour!

[ThePlantsitter]

It can be quite lonely at home with the kids and it can probably be quite lonely back home with your parents during lockdown. I wouldn't automatically think anything was going on. The Jain thing though is it's making you feel weird, so something needs to change. Whether that's your relationship with her or his relationship with her is for you and your H to figure out.

[ThePlantsitter]

Er, the main thing not the Jain thing, sorry.

[SixtiesDress]

I think it is slightly odd for an opposite sex neighbour "friendship" to take off from zero that doesn't involve the spouse or even mentioning the development (swapping numbers etc) as it occurs.

[SixtiesDress]

Also agree with a PP not to start inviting her over/befriending her in your own home. I mean why would you? You can be neighbourly in the road.

I'm pals with lots of neighbours past and present, but we don't in general invite each other into our houses socially. I've been invited to step in when there on other business (collecting parcels, neighbourly info, borrowing something etc, and have done the same back), and but not on a purely social basis. With the neighbours we have visited socially, their kids and our kids were friends so we were invited to a BBQ as a family.

[KrisAkabusi]

My fiance and I have an agreement that if any new people come into our lives wanting to be friends with either of us, then we need to make friends with them as a couple. It isn't applicable to people we each knew before we met each other, but it makes us (or, maybe just me grin ) more comfortable. If the new person isn't willing to befriend both of us, then it would make me question why.

This is not normal! This is bonkers, controlling behaviour. Your smile indicates that you are aware that this is something you want but he doesn't. If this was posted by a man it would be immediately cladded as abusive behaviour on here.

[Poptart4]

@Redyellowpink

Single, no kids

Burn the witch

laughed out loud at this

[BreatheAndFocus]

I don’t have any neighbours’ phone numbers and I’ve never been asked for my number by a neighbour. Yet all my neighbours are friendly and chatty. I just see them out and about.

Swapping numbers is potentially weird. Perhaps she’s just bored and wanting company her own age, but it does seem very full-on.

Personally, I would not invite her into my home or anywhere but I would make a point of having a proper conversation with her, find out a bit more about her, and make myself visible.

[Gogogadgetarms]

Has he given you any other reason to doubt him?
If the answer is no then I’d forget about it.

My DH has our ndn’s number. I didn’t know until lockdown when he said to me ‘should I text to see if she’s ok or if she needs anything?’. She lives alone and is not long out of college. I said sure, he did, she said she’s fine thanks. I wouldn’t have been in any way suspicious if she had said yes and he’d got groceries or something for her.

Turns out he gave her his number when she first moved in and asked her to keep an eye out when we went away last year. All very innocent. Nothing to cause concern. And FWIW she’s much younger and better looking then me!

[CassandrasCastle]

I posted my number through a male neighbour's door 😮 Which sounds pretty mad, but there we are

[GreyishDays]

My fiance and I have an agreement that if any new people come into our lives wanting to be friends with either of us, then we need to make friends with them as a couple.

DH and I do this, but without the agreement. It’s the agreement that’s the odd part. We just naturally are both friendly with people that one of us knows.

I think only you know whether it’s odd or not for your DH. For mine it would be.

[Jellycatismyspiritanimal]

Swapping numbers at this time isn't odd, lots of neighbours have been more chatting over this time. Think of it from her point of view, if her parents are at risk of getting Covid I imagine she's trying to make as many contacts as she can in order that if she needs help he has people to call on, especially as she is new to the area. Also she may be thinking long term and is hoping that by being helpful and friendly to your DH when she moves back to where she was loving before lockdown there will still be people in the area to look out for her elderly parents.

I think the oddest thing is that when he stopped to talk to her the first time you didn't walk back and introduce yourself, standing silently at a distance with your children isn't very friendly so maybe she only says "hi" to you as she doesn't think you are very sociable.

[jessycake]

I must admit I would be very uncomfortable , I think you may be picking up on her body language . I bet he wouldn't feel so comfortable if a single male neighbour , accidentally met you on walks exchanged numbers and you exchanged bit of shopping and he barely spoke to your husband .
I would go with my instincts and nip this friendship in the bud.

[Idontgiveagriffindamn]

@Jellycatismyspiritanimal

Swapping numbers at this time isn't odd, lots of neighbours have been more chatting over this time. Think of it from her point of view, if her parents are at risk of getting Covid I imagine she's trying to make as many contacts as she can in order that if she needs help he has people to call on, especially as she is new to the area. Also she may be thinking long term and is hoping that by being helpful and friendly to your DH when she moves back to where she was loving before lockdown there will still be people in the area to look out for her elderly parents.

I think the oddest thing is that when he stopped to talk to her the first time you didn't walk back and introduce yourself, standing silently at a distance with your children isn't very friendly so maybe she only says "hi" to you as she doesn't think you are very sociable.

I was just about the comment something very similar.
I’m looking out for certain food items for my neighbours as they’re struggling to get them and vice versa. Not a big deal. And one of those neighbours is a male who doesn’t talk to my husband. Doesn’t mean I want to shag him / he wants to shag me!

[KrisAkabusi]

I must admit I would be very uncomfortable , I think you may be picking up on her body language . I bet he wouldn't feel so comfortable if a single male neighbour , accidentally met you on walks exchanged numbers and you exchanged bit of shopping and he barely spoke to your husband .
I would go with my instincts and nip this friendship in the bud.

And again, here someone is dictating who their husband is allowed to be friends with. A neighbor, who is being helpful at a difficult time!

Controlling behaviour!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe]

OP... if I've missed it somehow I'm sorry but, why is your attention on HER? She has done nothing to warrant that. Your husband is the one to put your beady eye on, if you feel you need to. He is the one courting and actively encouraging these (innocent enough, in my opinion) interactions. He's furloughed, you're working. He has time, you don't.

Why would you be jealous of a woman you don't know, have barely acknowledged? Your feelings are how you feel but it wouldn't be healthy to validate them, I think that would fan the (non-existent) flames.

If you're having difficult with processing these then it's your husband you need to speak to about it, surely?

[SpocksEyebrows]

If my DH struck up a friendship with a single, well groomed, no DC neighbour whilst I cook, clean and iron all his shit during lockdown I’d be livid.

[Vodkacranberryplease]

I agree re the parents. She's here but won't be forever. So she gets to know the neighbours, does some favours etc over lockdown and gets number so she can maybe ask if they can check on parents etc. She doesn't want to just do it to one person so swaps numbers with loads of people - the most helpful and friendly ones.

Meanwhile the wife that stands back, and is always busy is not the one you swap numbers with.

Honestly as a single woman I'm just so sick of this assumption that we want your husbands. Trust me, we don't and watching wives give you strange looks or pointedly ignore you is just awful. Then not being invited because you are single etc and the coupe de grace having a perfectly friendly neighbour start blanking you because his wife told him he had to. Jesus H Christ. I hope none of you ever find yourself divorced and shunned by neighbours for the crime of not living with a man.