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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD doesn't want to spend any time with me!

37 replies

Funkyslippers · 24/06/2020 17:03

DD2(11) has for a while wanted complete independence (funnily enough that doesn't include tidying her room, but that's another story). I love spending time wither her, after all, that's part of the reason I have kids. She would be happy to come home from school, go straight to her room and stay there. Any request for time together, is met with a grunt and a 'leave me alone!" I realise this is all part of growing up but I think it's really sad for a parent to rarely see their child! AIBU and how can I handle it? There is really nothing she seems to enjoy that we can do together apart from baking and watching TV

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 24/06/2020 17:05

It's hard, isn't it!

I would get her into a routine, so that at a certain time each evening she's downstairs with you - watching a series on TV is always good, or watching a movie.

Does she have any hobbies?

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 24/06/2020 17:07

Not hobbies really apart from doing videos on TikTok, Roadblox etc which she's very good at. We watch series on NetFlix sometimes.

OP posts:
MrsPerfect12 · 24/06/2020 19:05

I hear you, my eldest is 15 and much the same although will occasionally watch a family movie etc. Other than that I'm grunted at. No advise but you're not alone.

MrsNoah2020 · 24/06/2020 19:26

Is she an introvert? I am and, after a day at school, I was mentally exhausted by having to be 'on' socially all the time - even though I liked school and had plenty of friends. I needed time to myself to recover. I used to bloody love it when I came home to an empty house,

Maybe try to think of this as her finding the space she needs, instead of her rejecting you?

AdoptedBumpkin · 24/06/2020 19:29

Maybe she is just somebody that needs down time. I hope you do find fun things to do together.

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 24/06/2020 19:43

No she isn't an introvert at all! And this has been going on well before going back to school. Sorry should have mentioned that

OP posts:
pjmask · 24/06/2020 19:45

Op I believe this is strongly connected to too much screen time.

Turn her screen off 4pm until
6pm. Tell her she's welcome to do what she wants, excluding screens, and doesn't have to spend time with you. Suddenly she'll be hovering around not knowing what to do with herself

BBCONEANDTWO · 24/06/2020 19:48

I was exactly the same and we're talking before the internet etc. Also my DS was just the same. It's horrible but I maybe it's just her personality.

NotMyNicknames · 24/06/2020 19:49

I'm afraid if you want to spend time with her the onus is on you to find something she wants to do with you. As a child my parents insisted on spending time together doing things they wanted and I loathed it, and resented them for making me waste what time i had left after school and homework doing something i didn't like.

You say she enjoys cooking and baking so build time together doing these things, find a series (preferably a long one) you could get into together, bake together when possible, see if you can extend her interests into cooking too and then if she enjoys this you could spend time together once a day making dinner.

My mum used to get me to spend time with her by taking me out to lunch, nothing fancy but it got me sitting with her, spending time together and inevitably chatting. Whether if she'd tried to have the same chats with my by forcing me to spend time with her by going on a walk together she would have got short grumpy responses as i resented being made to go for walks i didn't want to go on and just tried to get them over with as quickly as possible.

gingganggooleywotsit · 24/06/2020 20:06

it's so hard not to take it personally isn't it! I'm going through the same with my 13 year old but it started age 12. I've found letting her pick a film occasionally helps especially if it's a horror! or as others said, having lunch together in somewhere she likes usually Costa or kfc! Whatever I do she can't wait to get back to her room or out with her friends though, it is hurtful.

thepeopleversuswork · 24/06/2020 20:12

pjmask I dread the impact that screen time is having on my DD: I'm a LP and working from home at the moment for long periods of the day. It's almost impossible to limit screen time because it means interruptions while I'm on (endless) conference calls and zoom calls.

I'm desperately worried about the amount of screen time but have very limited opportunity to reduce this. Do you have any suggestions for how to manage this if limiting screens is not an option?

malificent7 · 24/06/2020 20:16

Dd is like this and she just turned 12. I thought that wanting to seperate from parents during teen years is a natural part of child development. Sucks though. She has a strong friendship group so i am not too concerned. At this age friends are very important ( and far less embarassing than me.)

IHaveBrilloHair · 24/06/2020 20:18

Leave her be.
No good will come from forcing it.

Runbitchrun · 24/06/2020 20:19

This sounds a lot like my eldest around that age. We both agreed to put our phones down from a set time (8pm) and watch something together. We’ve kept that up, although it’s now more like 9pm onwards as that’s when her younger sister goes to bed. We’ve worked our way through various TV shows and films and have a much better relationship.

WhoWants2Know · 24/06/2020 20:30

Mine was very much like this at 11. School made her exhausted. But it improved quite a bit when she started secondary school. Then she would sit downstairs and fill us in on the gossip before retreating upstairs.

And she started suddenly needing support in some areas. Hard homework or awkward social situations would have her coming to me for advice. I feel like acknowledging and being supportive of her need for space helped her feel comfortable with herself and then I would just make sure she knew how happy I was when we did get to spend time together.

harriethoyle · 24/06/2020 20:33

My dsd (12 and 15) are exactly like this. We compromise on a group watch of a movie or a board game 3/4 nights a week and give them free rein the rest of the time. Don't take it personally!

NoMoreReluctantCustodians · 24/06/2020 21:31

I wouldnt force it. As pp said find something she enjoys doing and do it together

Original poster
Funkyslippers · 25/06/2020 09:20

thepeopleversuswork I was in the same position as I WFH but my DD2 was at home too. I really struggled to get her off her tablet. I set her up with work sent home from school and she would fly through it, then the next time I see her she's back on her tablet. I'm so thankful she's back at school! She is very defiant and stroppy if I so much as tell her to put her tablet down and I know this is down to too much screen time so I've started a vicious circle. I'm going to rein it in - the suggestion of no screen time for a certain period per day is a good one.

OP posts:
mygrandchildrenrock · 25/06/2020 09:28

We used to call our youngest daughter, 'the girl who lives upstairs'. It happens to most of us at some time. Then they grow up and enjoy your company again.

AnnaBanana333 · 25/06/2020 09:35

There is really nothing she seems to enjoy that we can do together apart from baking and watching TV

So bake and watch TV with her? Start a box set and you have a guaranteed 40/60 minutes with her a day, plus it gives you something to talk about.

Op I believe this is strongly connected to too much screen time.

Based on what? Your dislike of screen time?

MrsNoah2020 · 25/06/2020 15:17

I can promise you that teens and pre-teens have been lurking in their bedrooms since long before they had their own screens in them!

caffeine99 · 25/06/2020 18:28

This was me as a teenager. I would be fairly extroverted at school but when I came home from school I welcomed the retreat to my room. This was pre screen time... But I always liked to listen to my own music in my room as that helped me to relax.

Being extroverted all day tired me and I enjoyed my own space - even from a young age. As an adult I am similar... Being extroverted at work all day tires me so when I get home I need space and downtime.

My parents both worked shifts. Every few weekends we would go somewhere as a family at the weekend. It might have been a drive for 30 minutes to get an ice-cream. Or maybe out somewhere for a family lunch or dinner or just out for a walk. This was always our family time and a good opportunity to reconnect. Not sure if something like that might help?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 25/06/2020 18:32

It's got nothing to do with screen time and everything to do with having a child of this age.

I'll bet 99% of us did exactly the same, and this was pre smart phones etc.

Take what you can, op. Dinner together. Find a box set to watch. Bake. If and when she wants more she will seek it out.

IHaveBrilloHair · 25/06/2020 18:52

I spent a whole two week holiday to Malta when I was 12 reading books in the room, or the hire car if I was forced on day trips.
Not a screen in sight!

CoRhona · 25/06/2020 18:58

It's gutting, isn't it? They seem to go from lovely cuddly kids to being aloof and distancing themselves.

Finding DD the hardest to deal with as she's the youngest at age 12, but DS1 (18) is now back to taking and giving hugs willingly so hang on in there Wink