how often do you ask someone to make you a cup of tea?

[Grannywatch]

My mother has a form for this and for my whole life I’ve thought it’s absolutely normal (not like I’d feel able to ask).

I’ve invited her to come stay as her depression has got worse while shielding by herself. It’s not like she doesn’t feel at ‘home’ as she’s happily gone through my cupboards and moaned about dust sitting on the back tins etc and reordered my towel rack. She’s also been fine using the last bit of milk this morning for one of her milky coffees.

Yesterday she asked me to make her a cup of tea (I was in the garden enjoying a bit of sun talking to a friend on the phone) and this morning I was weeding the front garden. Both times she’s walked past the kettle (and by the time it’s taken me to take my shoes off + wash my hands the kettle would have already boiled).

Is this perfectly normal or is my mum being a CF (probably because she’s a control freak and likes to be ‘on top’).

@Shoxfordian

Just point it out to her nicely
Say I want you to feel at home, help yourself to tea or coffee

Well I don’t want her to feel that at home as she’s driving me insane.

It’s something she’s done ever since I can remember and never really noticed until my partner pointed it out.

I would make one for my mum or mil if they asked but I would normally offer first. They would do the same for me. I often make my dh one and vice versa. When I go home to my mum's I will make a cup without asking and she is always welcome to do the same at mine. I don't understand why it would be a big deal to make your mum a cuppa (granted she could do it herself) but it isn't exactly time consuming? Surely she does stuff for you that you could so yourself?

The only person I knew was my ex Mil who had form for this and frankly everything else. She’s long gone now, but I don’t know anyone who does this, if you want a cuppa get up and make it yourself or if you’re having one offer, which goes for everyone else. This is princess behaviour... has she been this way her whole life, she won’t change and will probably gaslight you, older generations seem to have this down to a tee.

I think that is so rude!

Unless her arms have both fallen off, why can’t she make it herself?

So you don't want her to help herself or make one for her?

My FIL does this. We have a boil tap as well so he doesn't even have to boil a kettle. If he wants a cup of tea he should just make one but instead expects me to make one for him. It really pisses me off

That's a bit rude. Next time, I'd just breezily say, "Oh, help yourself. Make yourself a home! If you can't find something, just ask." And smile.

The cheekiness will be off the charts if she asks you to make it for her after that, unless she's feeling physically unwell (which doesn't seem to be the case).

Hmm she is a cheeky fucker am afraid. I do ask my DH to make me tea sometimes but he often tells me to sod off which is fair enough! (I do make him tea too!)

*at home... though after seeing the update, maybe that's not the answer.

I do think you have to make a choice, though. Either she's "allowed" to be "at home" and make her own tea or you have to be in hostess mode and be prepared to make everything yourself. You can't really expect her to go without, if she's living with you!

Gosh I think that’s terribly cheeky. I often ask DP for a cup of tea in the evenings but that’s only because he can’t sit still and is constantly up and down going from the sofa to the kitchen all evening.
Plus I do all the chores/cooking/house admin (except taking out the bins) as he works very long hours so I think it’s fair enough for him to stick the kettle on once a day.

Next time she asks you to make one just agree to. But continue with what you're doing, then in 10 mins or whenever she asks again say no probs, I'm just finishing this, and make her wait again. If it becomes a hassle for her ie not getting tea when she wants one, she will hopefully stop asking.

Never. You either offer it or they can make it, but being asked? 🤔
Never happened.

Making yourself a cuppa isn't even 'making yourself at home' - hotels have kettles etc.

I think it's attention seeking more than anything. If you're eg weeding, maybe try a line like 'tea would be lovely, could you make it then we can drink it together when I'm done' ... positive attention but on your terms?

@rosiejaune

Never; I don't drink hot drinks. But that also means I don't have to make them for anyone else.

You think?

I grew up in a houseful of tea drinkers and even though I didn't ever drink tea, I still had to make it for everyone when it was "my turn".

Still riles me 40 years on .

I ask about once or twice a week when I'm knackered. I make everyone tea in bed in the mornings and tea throughout the day (as do DH and DS1 - we drink lots of tea.)

Learn to reply: Just stick the kettle on mum. Never ever mix up depression and manipulative behaviour. They don't need to combine.

It wasn't about tea. It was about attention. Interrupting while you are on the phone is plain rude, like how small children interrupt their parents, until you train them out if it. Were you seeking because it needed doing or to get some space? If the former, invite her to do it with you! Done in half the time. There's a line between 'make yourself at home' and 'make tea' that I think most people would be ok to tread, definitely get her to make you a cup!

You ask your parents to make you tea when they come to visit you?

Yes. They are not elderly and/or infirm, we live quite some distance apart so they regularly invite themselves to stay for long periods of time (I never object), I have a demanding job and two small children so I do not consider it rude to ask for a cup of tea. I am extremely generous in almost every aspect of my personality, my parents do not begrudge me a cup of tea, in fact they quite like to help out.

I’ve never asked for a cup of tea in my entire life but I frequently ask others if they’d like one, especially everytime I’m making one for myself. I’m also sometimes offered one and will gladly accept.

I think it’s quite cheeky to ask to be honest. Unless you are ill or settling children/caring for someone.

I ask DH and DS pretty much every day. They do it because I do a lot for them. I also make tea for them when I'm making one for myself.

@NameChange84 why is it cheeky if you're asking your immediate family in your own home. If I visit my parents, I always make them tea because they've worked hard all their lived and it's nice to have someone make you a cup of tea.

Not sure I've ever asked someone to make me a cup of tea, unless it was something like, will you make the tea and I'll make the sandwiches.

Surely the rule is, if you want tea you make it and take orders from anyone around who might also want tea. My brother does make faces when he offers tea and you request coffee though!

Meant to add - for people who never offer to make the tea, I think it's fine to say - Are you making tea - I'll have one too. So long as they are actually making tea of course ....
If you are a taker you should also be a maker.

Surely the rule is, if you want tea you make it and take orders from anyone around who might also want tea.

Yep

why is it cheeky if you're asking your immediate family in your own home.

I find it cheeky because I think if you want something you should do it yourself and ask if anyone else would like one instead of requesting others do it for you.

I usually offer drinks, not ask someone to make them for me. If my DH was going into the kitchen and I was particularly thirsty, I might ask if he'll bring me a drink but otherwise I wouldn't. I definitely wouldn't ask someone who was clearly busy on their phone or gardening.

Hand on heart, I've honestly never asked anyone else to make me a cup unless:

• They're making one for themselves, so are already up.
• They've asked if I would like one.

I would never dream of asking someone to make me one, who was just sitting, minding their own business. I'd get up and do it myself! Your mum is a CF.