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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I 'cheating'?

36 replies

mummieswork · 24/06/2020 02:00

Dated a guy for 3 months before lockdown and it was great. He was very romantic and keen. During lockdown we stayed in touch but it became very platonic. Early in lockdown on he actually (inexplicably) ended the relationship entirely, although changed his mind on that. Although we talked daily through lockdown, there was no romance involved.

Since lockdown has been lifted (not in the UK), we've seen each other a couple of times but he's seemed unenthusiastic. We've actually had a great time but he seems like he could take it or leave it. I've spoken to him about it and he insists there's no issue and that he considers us to be dating.

Meanwhile I've been asked out by someone else and would like to go. I have dated this guy before and we get on fantastically and have always stayed in touch.

I have a friend who is absolutely horrified and insists I'm 'cheating' if I go and it's completely immoral unless I stop dating the other guy first. It's making me feel like a terrible person.

Most friends, however, have told me not to be ridiculous and to go and meet him and enjoy it.

I am not ready to cut all ties with the first guy yet. I do like him and I would like to see if things change as we spend more time together. I definitely care about him a lot, partly as a result of the bond we built through our platonic but long chats during lockdown.

That said, I also don't want to put all my eggs in one basket with a man who sometimes seems completely apathetic about seeing me.

I'm reasonably new to dating so this is playing on my conscience.

(I've posted about this before so apologies if this is a TAT - not sure what the protocol is here!)

OP posts:
WinterAndRoughWeather · 24/06/2020 02:03

What? Of course it’s not cheating. It’s dating. Your friend sounds like a drama queen.

Original poster
mummieswork · 24/06/2020 02:05

Should've added...in a previous post the same 'other' guy had asked me on a virtual date during lockdown and I'd similarly been unsure whether to do it. I did and it was great fun.

I do realise I'm asking a similar question again!

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 24/06/2020 02:07

Of course it isn't cheating. Dude 1 doesnt even seem that into it (maybe he love bombed at the start then lost interest?)

ShopTattsyrup · 24/06/2020 02:57

I was in a similar situation a while ago. Had a FWB that was at times a friend (fed my cat while I was on holiday) and at times strayed into dating territory (night out at the theater) and at other times was a late night booty call situation and nothing more.

We both carried going on dates while maintaining our relationship but once I met someone I wanted to go on multiple dates with we called time - that was always our arrangement.

As far as I'm concerned as long as everyone's on the same page then it's fine. Have a chat with guy1 - if he's hot and cold and has previously ended things and been happy with a platonic relationship then he can't be that surprised if you're going on dates and seeing what's out there!

EmperorCovidula · 24/06/2020 03:01

It’s only possible to cheat if you are in an exclusive relationship. You are not so clearly it’s not cheating.

Happynow001 · 24/06/2020 03:12

What they all said.

longtimecomin · 24/06/2020 03:32

It's not cheating, just go on the date.

Original poster
mummieswork · 24/06/2020 04:03

ShopTattsyrup - he doesn't think it's platonic (although it was during lockdown), he says he does consider us 'together' (whatever that means...). He just behaves as if he's pretty unexcited about the whole thing and he isn't bringing much to the table right now. He wasn't as platonic when we saw each other in person - he was somewhat affectionate, but he seems unbothered about it. For example, all plans we've made have been initiated by me and the suggestions are met with complete apathy ('yeah, if you want'.....)

I genuinely don't think he's dating anyone else. It's more a general lack of interest and effort in whatever it is he thinks he has with me.

OP posts:
Happynow001 · 24/06/2020 04:31

He just behaves as if he's pretty unexcited about the whole thing and he isn't bringing much to the table right now.
I think in this situation, where the other party sounds so lacklustre, I'd give up taking any initiative and leave them to make the next move - or not. I'd certainly wouldn't stop doing whatever or seeing whoever I wanted because he says he does consider us 'together' (whatever that means...)..

Words are cheap OP - it's actions that matter here. 🌹

sweatsareallthatfitmenow · 24/06/2020 05:01

Dude 1 isn't into you and is keeping you on the hook until something else comes along. Forget him. Why would you give him the opportunity? He knows what he's doing.

NotNowPlzz · 24/06/2020 05:06

I agree with pp. Don't initiate anything with guy 1. Wait for him to. In the meantime go out with guy 2

Lynda07 · 24/06/2020 05:16

You're a free agent and can date whomever you choose; very wise not to put all your eggs in one basket. Have fun while you can.

RantyAnty · 24/06/2020 05:24

Your friend is wrong.

Date whomever you want. You're not attached to anyone.
There's nothing to discuss with Mr. Lukewarm either. None of his business.

joystir59 · 24/06/2020 05:39

Back in my day this was known as playing the field and perfectly acceptable. You are in a relationship with anyone you are dating two men. You could date three or four men or more! As long as you aren't misleading anyone it's fine. I agree with others, stop taking the iniative with guy1.

joystir59 · 24/06/2020 05:39

Sorry, you aren't in a relationship

pictish · 24/06/2020 06:06

Go on a date with the other guy. Your instinct is telling you that you can do better than Mr Tepid and it’s not as though you’ve committed to him in any way.
Don’t settle for if-you-want or I-suppose.

HansBanans · 24/06/2020 06:14

If you are just dating then I can't see how it is cheating

Zoecarter · 24/06/2020 06:30

In the uk it’s not considered cheating. What country are you in?? What are the protocols for dating?

Carandi · 24/06/2020 06:38

Go on a date with Guy2 and enjoy it. Wait for Guy1 to initiate your next date with him, but don't settle for him just coming round and sitting in front of the TV. This early in the relationship it should be exciting with you both making a lot of effort. Doesn't sound as though Guy1 is over keen.

Windywuss · 24/06/2020 06:44

Maybe your friend is my generation and having to get to grips with the whole concept of 'dating' which we seem to have imported from America some time ago.

I am not criticising it and agree that there's no reason you shouldn't meet guy2 but I suppose it's as along as everyone is on same page. I have come back into the world of dating after marriage and I struggle with idea of seeing more than one person at once. Too confusing for me. Not that it's wrong, it just wasn't a thing when I was young. Probably was for some but wasn't open like now. There were no chats about exclusivity. If you'd been seeing same person for a bit then you were going out and if they were seeing someone else without telling you, that was two timing!

Ahhhh I'm getting old. All seems so much more complicated 🧓Grin

TooTrueToBeGood · 24/06/2020 07:16

Maybe you need to stop skirting around the issue with man number 1. He seems to think you're in a relationship together, except when he decides you're not, and even when he thinks you are he doesn't behave like it. You seem to be just meekly going with his flow. Speak up for yourself and tell him straight how you feel - that you'd be open to the idea of a proper relationship with him but right now, and until he shows some interest in commitment, you are not. Frankly, I think you're wasting your time on him. The chances of him suddenly morphing into the man you want him to be are slim to none.

PlanDeRaccordement · 24/06/2020 07:24

I only voted YABU because it’s been left unsaid whether you are exclusive or not. The kinds of things you say man #1 has said indicate that he may be under the impression that you and he are exclusive.
It’s best to not leave exclusive/not exclusive unsaid or assumed, if anything for their own health (STIs), everyone involved should have had a conversation about it being exclusive or not.

Original poster
mummieswork · 24/06/2020 07:27

TooTrueToBeGood - I am going to do exactly what you suggested when I see him tonight. Thank you. This is really good advice. I've had similar conversations with him 1000 times but I've never put it as bluntly as that.

Thanks to all for your input too.

I'll update on the outcome after the chat tonight.

OP posts:
mamansnet · 24/06/2020 07:40

@TooTrueToBeGood has it bang on. Although I'd ask why are you letting him decide the terms? He 'considers you to be together', so that means you're together? Put on your big girl pants and tell him that what you have isn't a relationship, or what you consider to be one. It's an arrangement that only suits him, not a relationship, and that leaves you free to date other men.

If he doesn't like that idea then he's free to up his game, isn't he?

Although personally I think guy 2 sounds much more interested. Guy 1 won't suddenly turn into the man you want him to be, even if he does decide to pull his finger out - no guarantee it'll last, and it probably won't!

CherryPavlova · 24/06/2020 07:45

I’d call it shabby behaviour. If you are dating it rather suggests a relationship and more than passing friendship. It’s a recipe for unhappiness where expectations are not clear.
Either you are just friends with one and free to see someone else or you are cheating. Be honest with the first chap rather than stringing two along to see where the best offer comes from.

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