In law's won't social distance with my kids

[PepsiMaxCherry]

I am a SAHM but DH works full time in emergency services so comes into physical contact with people. I have 2 DS, 3 and 5 with my DH. We have been social distancing and following guildlines as much as possible.

With the recent change, i decided to take our boys to my parents house and we stayed in the garden. My parents said hello and didn't hug my boys despite getting emotional seeing them, they kept their distance. We told the boys they can do a "elbow-hello" if they wanted to, which they did.

The following week we went to my in-laws and I told my DH to make sure he tells his parents to not hug or kiss the boys, they can do elbow hello too. DH said to me of course his parents won't hug them and we need to make sure the boys don't keep hugging them, I told him they will be fine as they understood when I took them to my parents. Generally in-laws are amazing and I love spending time with them.

Anyways, so at his parents at first his parents were ok. His DM didn't hug them but his DDad was non stop hugging and generally all over them. I told him a few times to stop but his reply was, everything's fine. During this my DH was busy fixing something so he didn't see this. After a while I could see that I wasn't getting anywhere so I spoke with my DH. He said to his DD that he needs to stop and everytime he saw him hugging them he kept telling him to stop. The last straw for me was he started kissing them on their cheek, we left soon after.

It was my son's birthday recently and they came over to ours. Again we stayed in garden and did elbow hello. My youngest even said to his GDad, no hugging only elbow hello but he still didn't listen. My DHs sister came and while she kept her distance at first, she then was picking up my youngest and holding his hand and just generally acting like every thing is ok. His DSis doesn't live at home with her Parents. I noticed how between them there was no social distancing, and they were hugging and sitting close to each other.

AIBU to not want to see them for a while seeing as they don't listen to me nor my DH? They just make me feel so nervous seeing how they are with my boys, the last thing I want to do is pass something on to them or us catch something from them. I feel really bad not wanting to see them but I feel like I have no choice.

Ridiculous. Your DC are more at risk from your DH.

OTT and ridiculous sorry.

Is your concern the risk to elderly grandparents from your children who pose quite a risk via your husband's job? If not YABU

YABU OP.

They should respect your wishes.

They should respect whatever decision you both agree beforehand, rather than say they will socially distance and then unilaterally not doing it.

However who are you worried about - your kids passing it to them, or them passing it to your kids? Assuming they are the more vulnerable party given their age, I would personally let them decide how much risk they are willing to take, so long as it is an informed decision.

They are the ones at risk, not your children. Your children are fairly unlikely to pass it on anyway, even if they have it, but it's really up to the in laws to decide what risk they are willing to take. They are adults

They should respect your wishes, but I do think you're being a bit OTT.

For all those saying she is being unreasonable would you say the same if she asked them not to do something else, ie feed them something they were intolerant to until they were ill or something ?

Whatever you may think she has made a parenting decision that should be respected by everyone regardless of what that decision is

In this case my children wouldn’t be seeing those grandparents , or the aunt again until SD was no longer in place, as they can’t respect their parents wishes

Does your DH never touch or hug your kids? As he is in contact with potentially sick people. If the answer is yes then YABVU.

The replies on this thread are a sociologists dream. The living embodiment of how the national mood has shifted in the last few months. It would make an extraordinary graph.

@Chloemol I agree.
It’s stressful enough seeing people with small children and having to remind them to ‘keep their distance’.
If you also have to remind the adults it just turns you into a nag.
I’d avoid them for a while but be honest if they ask why.

It's your decision and they should respect that. (Also, I agree with you)

You’re the parent, your rules. If they can’t adhere to what you want, they don’t get to see the dc.

Yanbu - and how confusing for the poor kids to have learnt the rules but have 3 major adults ignoring them. It goes to bodily autonomy as well, if they've said 'granddad don't hug us'.

I can totally understand why he wants to hug them - totally. But you are protecting them the kids will be fine.

It sounds very stressful but can you imagine if you had grand children and you hadn't been able to hug them for months - you might not be able to help yourself.

Please be kind to them I know it's your rules but this is such a horrible time for everyone and they probably can't help it.

OP, next time you see them, the first time they hug your children pick them up and leave. Your child told them he didn’t want to be higher and wanted to elbow bump only, they then overrode the child’s wished about their physical contact and the child watched you approve of them being hugged when they child had said they didn’t want to. That’s a dangerous thing to teach a child and can lead to hiding abuse etc.

They should be respecting your wishes but you need to calm down. They are more at risk than your DC

They should respect your wishes. There are rules in place for a reason. I had some shit like this from my brother today. Just follow the bloody rules.

My dad is late 80s and we lost my mum just before the pandemic . Dad lives alone and has been shielding , but when my niece and nephew started to visit he hasn’t once touched or kissed the little ones . My brother is a germaphobe so very worried and I’m sure my dad would love to cuddle the children but he respects my brother and simply wouldn’t dream of being in physical contact until it is safe . People choosing to ignore parents are in the wrong

I think you are right and the lack of respect for your wishes and the rules would make me stay away for a while and explain why. Its not fair on your children to be confused like that.

@AppleKatie my goodness I know! I’m finding patterns of changing attitudes, behaviour etc fascinating. While acknowledging the absolute tragedy of people dying I’ve also been looking at the situation as a massive social experiment. My degree was in Sociology and I can imagine a huge number of PhD’s will be written about this. So many people at the start of this talked about how it would bring us all together...em, yeah, for about a minute and then much like the political events in recent years its driving people apart as everyone decides that their way is the right one.

Anyway, OP, YANBU - they should respect your wishes.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

Thank you for the people supporting me, sometimes I feel like I'm being over paranoid and OTT but I'm so worried if we pass something on to anyone esp our elderly parents.

I think it is best to not see them for awhile, I understand they miss the kids and the kids miss them too but the last thing I want is to argue with them for showing affection to the kids.

Also to @CucumberTree thank you for pointing that out, I didn't even think of that. I will definitely never do that again

You and your DH are the parents, and you had an agreement with the grandparents. They broke this agreement and overrode your parenting decision. Whether they agree with your decision isn't really the point. It's your decision, and should be respected. They are adults, and could respectfully decline or discuss things if they found your boundaries limiting. Instead, they chose to agree and then turned around and undermined you and your DH's instructions in front of your children, while forcing physical contact on your son (who just wanted an elbow-bump). If you see them again while social distancing, you may have to be more assertive with your boundaries and let them know you'll be leaving if there's physical contact. Then do it. If you can avoid seeing them, maybe that's something to consider until things open up more. If you catch them pushing boundaries with your children, back them up. "Grandpa, DS said he doesn't want that" is a perfectly appropriate thing to say. Good luck.

I'm with the op here. It's the same with my mil. She has been sheilding since early March. Telling anyone who'd listen that she was on lock down. Last week she decided it was time she faced the world and went to the biggest supermarket in the town. Not the closest to her. My dh and I had been doing her (very specific) food shopping every week until this- with her several grumbles of rotten vegetables they were well within date, looked and felt perfectly good. Often demanding items only available in certain stores when she knows we can only visit one, as also buying for my parents and our own family- hours in queues and risks unnecessarily.
We called round to sit in the garden with her (as we usually did for a few minutes when delivering the groceries) and she grabbed my dh and DD for hugs and kissed them both on the lips. I stood back stiff with surprise, and said but this isn't allowed. She flippantly said well too late now. Dh and DDs complaints were laughed off. I was really cross. We've been particularly careful around her as she had good reason to isolate. She's now, in just a few days, been to the supermarket 3 times and several other shops etc like a woman possessed.
I feel like all the time we've been careful and she's put us all at risk and obviously herself, (I'm also vulnerable with heath issues). And all this time I've just wanted to hug my parents.
So yes I'm with the op, yanbu.