To expect my family to lie for me?

[missscarletta]

I'm looking for a new place to live and for certain reasons (regarding my safety) I don't want many people to know my new address. I invited my mum to come to a viewing last minute, she had made plans with an extended relative and I said what will you say, she said I'll just tell them I've to run some errands.

So I met her and asked 'what did you say to so and so' and she said 'I told them I was viewing a house with you'.
When I asked why, she said she didn't tell them where it was or anything about it.

AIBU to expect her to keep some things private and therefore essentially lie for me? She's woeful at lying generally as she's a worrier and a people pleaser but at the same time I feel her loyalty should lie with me

I think YABU. She didn't tell the relative where the house was, your OP doesn't say that people must know that you're moving, just not where exactly.
If you know she's a woeful liar then don't ask her to lie for you.

You’re not asking her to lie, you’re just asking her not to talk about a particular aspect of your life. Yanbu. There are lots of ways to avoid blabbing.

Agree YABU. There is a difference between saying I am viewing a house to saying I am mooving to this address.

If you are moving due to domestic violence then you have introduced a weak link that may compromise your safety.
I understand the need to involve some family members but can they be trusted not to divulge information under threat by undesirable partner?

Yanbu it didn’t need to be a lie at all, she could have said that something important she needed to help you with had come up and I’m sure no detail would be required. Either that or she could have just said no, I can’t come with you. I don’t think I’d be inviting her again to be honest. It’s not her information to share so if you don’t think you can trust her then be careful.

If she's woeful at lying and this is about your safety then should she really have been going with you? What would she do if she was cornered and put under pressure to reveal your whereabouts?

Asking my Mum to keep a secret is like trying to hold water in a sieve so I just pick and choose what I tell her now, saves the arguments. If she feels like she's missed out then it's her own fault for not keeping it zipped in the past.

YABVU

you know your mother and weak points and still put her in that position.

That's on you.

If your location bring compromised is that serious then you should not be sharing it with anyone but official bodies

I like the water in a sieve analogy! she feels the need to talk about every aspect of her life/families life, definitely a babbler as if she can't deal with silence or any awkwardness.

I understand she didn't say the address but I feel next time she is with this relative it will naturally lead to a conversation like 'so ... what was the house like? Where is it?' Etc and then of course she'll tell them.

If she couldn't lie she could have said it's not possible at the moment but I will go to a second viewing.

I feel it's more of an omission of truth rather than lying, and a matter of loyalty and trust

Is it a case of never telling my own mother where I live?

Going by your update OP sounds like you think you have wider issues with your DM.

I think it's more that my mother has issues of insecurity, self esteem that she doesn't address resulting in wanting extended family to like her even though they treat her like rubbish, she keeps going back and wanting a relationship and wanting to play happy families. Whereas in her position I would go low contact and grey rock technique.

I specifically asked what would she say to them as I know this is the way she is so felt she could have said bows not a good time but instead she told me one thing then did another

Im with OP on this one couldn't mother have kept something between mother and daughter ? She was not asked to lie she was just asked not to divulge any information but she blubbed

It depends on why you're moving. If it would actually be dangerous for people to know where your new home is, your new home is need-to-know information only given to people you can trust to keep their mouths shut no matter what.

Your mother may be your mother, but if she can't be trusted to keep a secret that might save your life, unfortunately, she can't know.

Without knowing the details (which of course you shouldn't share), I can't assess how important keeping your address secret is, and whether it's an issue if your mother tells her relatives and friends (i.e. will they then tell the person or persons you're hiding from?).

I'm willing to bet through if you're prepared to go through the hassle of moving, this is a big deal, and in which case, you need to stop taking people to viewings with you if they're not going to be living with you in your new home. Then, don't tell anyone you've moved until you've actually moved, and don't give them your address.

I would be worried about extended family who don't know the issue telling others without thinking it was a big deal and yes it getting back to certain people.

I am moving from a place I feel safe to somewhere new which I would also want to feel safe in without it being compromised.

YANBU. Your mother lied to you about how she would respond and made a unilateral decision to change what you both agreed upon, for no better reason than that she’s a “talker.” This may compromise your situation, especially if she continues to put her personal discomfort with gaps in conversation above her daughter’s actual physical safety. Take note moving forward, and share nothing with leaky sieves. If this is to do with an abusive ex-partner, unfortunately simply knowing you are house hunting can be enough info to motivate some types to go on the hunt for you. Be careful.

I suppose I'm just sad as it's not been taken as seriously as I want and feel the trust is broken

I don't think you should expect your mum to lie for you, no.

Is there a reason you don't want people to know where you live above just liking your privacy? Ie are you fleeing DV? As I think they are slightly different.

If it is the former and I was your mum/friend / sister I would not offer to others where you lived if you didn't want me to, but if asked I would say yes I have visited but I'm sorry she doesn't want people to know where she lives, no, I don't know why, that's just how she is.

If it was a case of you fleeing DV I would probably explain that I couldn't share your whereabouts as it's not common knowledge due to your safety. Obviously any relative / friend of your ex would be told in no certain terms to eff off.

Just wanted to add, for those saying YABU, if your mother was uncomfortable lying for you, she would have been uncomfortable lying TO you as well, and not have said instead that she’d keep your location secure. She could have easily declined. Also, there’s a massive difference between actually lying about where your daughter lives, and simply not over-sharing. When someone asked your mother about her personal errand, she should’ve simply said it was a personal errand and she’d be back shortly. Especially as that’s what she told you she would say.

Lying's wrong - I'm always puzzled at the ease with which most mumsnetters are comfortable telling lies, almost as if it's ok to lie! Bizzare if you ask me.

Are you going to take the house OP? She didn't tell anyone where it was.

Yes I'm afraid not telling your mother is your best option.

I'm guessing that you're withholding your address because of DV in your past (don't worry, you don't have to say), and I find it gobsmacking that there are people on here who are so committed to some sort of blanket "all lying is wrong" that they can't see that there are serious situations where someone's life or wellbeing might be at stake if the truth were known.

As for your mum - yup, leaky sieve I'm afraid. Is it this house or nothing (as in very good for the money, or just about the only one on the market at the moment, or similar)? If not, I'd suggest keeping looking and making sure you don't take your mum with you next time. Then giving some thought as to how to organise things without her actually having your address, harsh as that sounds.

Who exactly do you need to keep your address secret from, and how crucial is it?

You ask if you're expected to never let your mother know your address... well, it completely depends on how badly you don't want it widely known, because you know she'll tell people 🤷🏻‍♀️

If your safety if that much of an issue then the answer is of course a bit fat no, you cannot tell your mother, as it clear she will endanger your safety rather than keep schtum 🤷‍♀️

I wouldn't expect her to lie about where I live, not that she could but if anyone asked simply tell them I'm quite private and if they want my ask they can ask me for it.

I really don't know what to do, I am close to my mum but it feels as though not telling her is the only way to ensure no one knows.

She's an oversharer as a way of making conversation and I know she gets flustered but we've had conversations in the past about this issue and she tells me she won't tell anyone my business but then can't help herself.

I have a good relationship with her otherwise

Namechange fail, OP?