To expect my family to lie for me?

[missscarletta]

I'm looking for a new place to live and for certain reasons (regarding my safety) I don't want many people to know my new address. I invited my mum to come to a viewing last minute, she had made plans with an extended relative and I said what will you say, she said I'll just tell them I've to run some errands.

So I met her and asked 'what did you say to so and so' and she said 'I told them I was viewing a house with you'.
When I asked why, she said she didn't tell them where it was or anything about it.

AIBU to expect her to keep some things private and therefore essentially lie for me? She's woeful at lying generally as she's a worrier and a people pleaser but at the same time I feel her loyalty should lie with me

I suspect that you haven't told her the full details of why moving is so important? Either she doesn't know why you need the secrecy, or she has somehow minimised it.

If you are moving because of something like DV and haven't told your mother the full horror (as is your right, it's your story), that might be a large part of why she isn't reacting in the way you hoped she would. Unfortunately, unless we let people fully in, we can't expect them to behave the way we think they should. (And even then, people can be unpredictable.)

You can still be close to your mum and not let her know where you live. Keeping your address private doesn't have to define your relationship.

I'm sorry you feel sad. And I'm sorry life is harder because of this secret you're carrying. I can't make it better for you, but I wanted to acknowledge that it must be difficult for you.

OP,
If your security and privacy is critical at this time and you clearly know your mother cannot be wholly trusted, then do not tell her.

She didn't have to lie, she just didn't have to mention it.

Not difficult IMO.

You know she is not discreet.
Accept it.
Act accordingly.

Good luck.

I think it's a good example of how some peoppe just CANT be trusted... Not that they're fundamentally untrustworthy... Just that they can't do consequential thinking....

She should be saying to herself.... Don't mention that OP is thinking of moving....
Instead she just says... I'll fill the space with chit chat..

Lying's wrong - I'm always puzzled at the ease with which most mumsnetters are comfortable telling lies, almost as if it's ok to lie! Bizzare if you ask me.

So if an abusive man asked you if his ex-partner was living in x place you’d tell them the truth and put them in danger?

All she has to do now is mentioned by accident that you she was in x place with you and someone could put 2 and 2 together.

If your safety is at issue she may compromise you.

mention not mentioned ^^

Anyone who is going along the idea 'all lying /lying by omission' clearly hasnt been in the situation when your personal safety is compromised!.....

I've been in situations where I've worked in forensics... And it's ESSENTIAL that dangerous people don't know where I live... As colleagues have been attacked in their homes....

Nothing feels more shit when you realise, a random person had inadvertently let your address be divulged....

You're automatically then are serious risk...

I've had to move house at 2 hours notice where a dodgy ex client discovered my address....

It's the same for DV survivors.... Cna you imagine the hell of being terrorised.... Then suddenly realise a man that may have tried to kill you now knows where you live....

@NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1

Lying's wrong - I'm always puzzled at the ease with which most mumsnetters are comfortable telling lies, almost as if it's ok to lie! Bizzare if you ask me.

Are you going to take the house OP? She didn't tell anyone where it was.

Of course lying isn't always wrong. Have you no understanding of the OP's situation?

Also it doesn't sound of your mum takes your need to be under the radar seriously...

As you say... She could have just omitted to mention it..... It wasn't necessary 5o tell ANYONE she was looking at houses... As inevitably.... There will be follow up conversations....

So how was the house?. Whereabouts is it... Oh I know someone who lives at Coronation St... What number did you look at... Etc etc....

My mentioning it, it means it ACTIVELY encourages further conversation...

And people don't realise the significance of the information.... It's randomly passed on as random gossip... Oh of course Xs daughter has just moved there (at the local hairdressers....)... It only takes ONE person to ask... Or one to overhear.... And the consequences can be truly alarming...

Have you sat her down and explained the implications of why you are moving and keeping your address a secret?

Sympathies, OP. Your mother sounds similar to mine. She disclosed a lot of deeply private medical information of mine (suspected foetal abnormalities) to her neighbours unbeknownst to me, and one of them, a total stranger to me, brought it up loudly in public when I visited my mother as if she was discussing the weather.

She thinks she ‘owes’ information to anyone who shows an interest, regardless of whether it’s confidential and whether it’s hers to disclose, and fears ‘looking snobbish’ if she doesn’t spill the beans.

I had to tell her she’d forfeited the right to be taken into my confidence, and I no longer tell her anything.

I think you need to read the post by Finfintytint. Its pointless moving if you tell a weak link your new address. If you are at risk you can't take this house, and when you do find somewhere you can't tell her your address.

She can't be trusted with private information. It wont make any difference if you explain how serious it is, she isnt going to have a complete change of character; when she is pressured she will talk because she is a people pleaser. Its irrelevant if she doesn't intend any harm, the consequenses will fall on you not her.