To be dreading DS going to school (not COVID related)

[Probablygreen]

DS is due to start Reception in September, but each day that passes I am feeling more and more sad. It’s silly really as he already attends nursery for 5 long afternoons a week (sessions are 5 hours) so it’s not the amount of time he’ll be away from me. School just seems so much more formal, grown up and rigid. I’m already thinking about the freedom that we’ll lose as a family - going on holiday whenever we feel like it, trips to the beach on a sunny day instead of having to wait until the weekend when it’ll be raining, Dad works afternoons into the evenings so the time we spend together is weekday mornings, won’t be able to do that anymore. He’s an autumn baby as well so I can’t even consider delaying him.
On top of that he has undiagnosed extra needs (undiagnosed as in professionals agree that he has multiple issues but we have already been told that grouped together we are unlikely to ever get a ‘named’ diagnosis) so I need to make the school aware of these but I feel ridiculous listing these minor issues without a proper diagnosis, I feel like a neurotic parent. Without seeing DS in context, school are likely to look at the list and think he doesn’t need any extra support when in fact he does. Issues are things like, he has hyper mobile fingers, so can write but only on a slanted whiteboard, he struggles to apply the correct pressure to paper so it appears that he can’t write when asked to do this. I don’t want his teacher to automatically mark him as someone that can’t do things when he can with the correct support and equipment. This is just one example, he has many similar physical needs.
I feel rubbish that we can’t meet his teacher before September to explain all of this first hand and he has never even seen the inside of the school. I tried ringing the school to see if I could speak to someone but there was no-one available, I left my number but no-one got back to me (over a week ago). I feel like ringing again now just adds to that whole ‘neurotic parent’ label that I’m so worried about!
I don’t really know what I’m expecting here, just some messages of support I suppose, and maybe some parents of this year’s reception intake to tell me it’s actually not as bad as they thought it would be!
PS the school we have a place at is lovely and seems like it will suit DS down to the ground so it’s not that I’ve made the wrong school choice!

He doesn't have to go to school at all, you know.

@rosiejaune yes, homeschooling a child with complex needs is super simple, and doesn't place any financial strain on a household, while also providing the child with all the social stimulus they require.

I know that theoretically he doesn’t but practically he does, we both work so I don’t have the time to home educate him. Thanks for the input though.

I understand (I think) - I felt like this before nursery school. Unfortunately, school staff are very busy due to the national lockdown and unlikely to be readily available by phone. I'd suggest you email the school SENCO and make them aware of the SEND issues.

You do not need a formal diagnosis for your child to be on the SEND register. Obviously, the school will be limited in what they can do without additional funding. However, there are lots of things that they can do with existing school resources. For example, they will likely have mini whiteboards and therapy putty that your child can use.

If you absolutely must take term-time holidays... the best time (from the school's perspective) is at the end of the school year. You miss less schoolwork and your attendance level is already high.

Don't feel neurotic putting down or discussing all of his needs - it will help teachers to be aware of things which may be a stumbling block. There are teachers who say, 'well that's not what he does' or 'he can't do that - I've never seen him', but they're rare.

I taught a Reception child with hyper mobility - very bright child, just struggled with getting it down at times, or with sitting on the carpet etc. We made adjustments - they used a pen rather than a pencil (less pressure needed to make the mark), used a writing slope, and sat on a chair instead of the carpet. There was a time they were getting very frustrated, so I let them type on an iPad instead. There are adjustments that can be made - a good teacher in a good school (which you're confident you have) will help with this and support you both.

I know it's weird at the moment, and transition has ceased, but EYFS staff are (on the whole!) very capable and caring - they'll help as much as they possibly can.

It's usually a lot more simple than expecting a school to do it, especially without a diagnosis. Forced association is not socialisation anyway.

A lot of people think they need the second income but often really they just don't want to do what they perceive as sacrificing a certain lifestyle. But you gain in other ways. And especially for low-paid families it's often not that different in financial terms anyway.

But plenty of single parents or two working parent families home ed anyway, so it's not impossible even if you want to keep working.

Thank you @Rockhopper81 that’s a really lovely post and makes me feel much better!

@laudete I don’t necessarily need to take term time holidays and I know that we’re lucky in that regard, it just makes me feel very claustrophobic that the decision of when to go on holiday is being taken out of my hands 🤣 Thank you for your post though, it’s very kind.

@rosiejaune If I genuinely thought he’d get more out of homeschooling I’d do it, no doubt about it. He is, however, a very sociable child, enjoys the routine of getting out of the house to do his own thing, and I think he will enjoy school. My worry is more that he’ll be identified as someone who can’t do things (on top of everything he doesn’t like showing what he can do, and has coasted through nursery without being sufficiently challenged, in my opinion)

@Probablygreen You're most welcome. :)

FWIW, you don't need a formal diagnosis for homeschool either (as a PP has mentioned home education). Your chosen school sounds like it will be a great fit for your child. If you did want to consider homeschooling in the future, most homeschool groups are very accepting of SEND children with or without a diagnosis. Also, you can apply for an EHCP as a parent - whether your child is at school or home educated, with or without a diagnosis. It's just increasingly tough to obtain an EHCP even as a school. But, your school will help support you in that option if you wish to try.

But those things still happen with home education. I am not trying to convince you to do it. Just correct misunderstandings people have about it.

There is plenty of socialising in the home ed community (as much or as little as you want to do), and usually also (certainly in my area) things you can drop them off at; you don't always have to be with them.

It also has the advantage of e.g. mixed age groups so the presence of the older ones helps the younger ones learn, and there is a wide variety of ability partly because of that, and partly because there are so many disabled/SEN children who are home educated (many because they started off at school and their needs weren't being met). So nobody expects a child of X age to work at Y level.

And you can be as structured or as autonomous as you like anyway, so they don't have to be doing particular things just because they are 5 now.

We are completely autonomous, and my daughter (now 9) learned to read without explicit instruction, in her own time. I've also never taught her to calculate, but she can do basic sums because she inherently understands it from real life situations. That's far preferable IMO to what I had, which was being taught how to work something out but having no idea how it was related to its practical uses. I did very well academically, but none of it has helped me in real life. Whereas she will have the skills to learn whatever she is interested in, whenever she is capable of doing that, instead of specific knowledge which will be useless to her long-term.

We are both autistic, by the way.

[quote Probablygreen]@rosiejaune If I genuinely thought he’d get more out of homeschooling I’d do it, no doubt about it. He is, however, a very sociable child, enjoys the routine of getting out of the house to do his own thing, and I think he will enjoy school. My worry is more that he’ll be identified as someone who can’t do things (on top of everything he doesn’t like showing what he can do, and has coasted through nursery without being sufficiently challenged, in my opinion)[/quote]
Look at your local home ed groups. Socialisation is not a problem. Often the problem is fitting all the groups in! If we wanted to, we could have been out every morning, afternoon and evening to different groups, every single day! So.if it is an option you are seriously considering, look on facebook and see what is on offer in your area.

@laudete Yes I don’t think he’d fit the criteria for an EHCP especially with them being so difficult to get, I’ve know children with much more complex needs get turned down. They are very subtle needs and as I say, if it was just one or two they might even be classed as a neurotypical quirk, it’s when they’re all put together that it seems more significant and likely to affect his success at school.
He had major cranial surgery a few years ago and for the rest of his life he needs to take certain precautions around head safety. Add to that the fact that he has only just learned to run and is very clumsy and unstable in general. In a normal situation that wouldn’t be a worry but with his history it’s actually quite a concern. However, it’s easy to forget about that as it’s not obvious on looking at him.

@rosiejaune @MagisCapulus OP has already said home ed won't work for them financially... i think this is a bit of an unhelpful derail.

You’re not neurotic at all!
I would try and get to chat to the teacher when you can. Could you speak to them over the phone? The more info they have then the better they can support him and ensure a smooth and successful start.
I know you’re thinking of missing out on things. But seeing your child learn and grow is amazing. My eldest is doing A levels. It’s brilliant to see them develop and shine.

I'm not entirely sure why this has derailed onto homeschooling when OP has said this would not work for her family.
OP your feelings are valid and you don't come across to me as a neurotic mother, simply one who wants the best for her child! Try phoning the school again and if that gets no response id recommend writing a letter with your concerns and a request for someone to contact you ASAP to discuss. Children can go on the SEND register without a formal diagnosis and the school will likely be grateful that you take such an interest and are involved in creating a plan and making adjustments. Good luck!
(Btw DS starts reception this September as well! Where does the time go?

A lot of people say that, but it isn't always true. They may genuinely think that, and just not see it as possible till they're on the other side of the fence, knowing many examples of people in similar situations.

I don't know the details of their situation, but I do know that we are relatively poor. We are on the border of the 1st and 2nd income decile, i.e. are poorer than about 90% of the rest of the population, and we make it work.

I know single self-employed disabled mothers who do it. And two parent families who both work full time. And everything in between.

Repeated recommendations of phoning the school are about as helpful as repeated recommendations of homeschooling. ;) Honestly, most schools have deployed all their staff to teach bubbled groups with a few leftover to support the children at home doing distance learning. It is unlikely that the OP will reach their child's future reception teacher by phone. I would strongly recommend that she emails the school instead.

@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow I know, but OP also said she would absolutely do it if she thought her son would get more out of it.

OP I understand your nervousness. My little boy is starting in September and he will have just turned five but still seems so little. He has been at home since his pre school shut in March so it will be a major adjustment for him. There had been a question of asd with him last year but we are all still on the fence with it but he has serious concentration issues and no attention span at all. He met his new teacher last week as we got a 15 minute slot to go in individually and meet his teacher and see his classroom and he wasn't interested in it at all. He had been due to do a special school readiness programme but that's been cancelled due to Covid and seeing as it's the official school holidays this week I doubt if anything like that will be happening now .

@rosiejaune @MagisCapulus
I know a few people who homeschool and it works for them, you’re absolutely right that they are not stuck inside on their own all day and most do report that learning is actually more beneficial. However, I really don’t think it’s the right fit for him. DD, I think I could homeschool no problem (she’s younger than DS).
DS on the other hand, when he’s at home he requires constant attention. If he isn’t getting constant attention he will stand in the middle of the room with no idea what to do. No amount of giving him ideas will occupy him for more than a few minutes. He wants to be touching me all of the time. He is extremely well behaved but has no inclination for independent thought (and this is despite numerous input from professionals and me) and despite attending nursery since he was 18 months old. It is hard to describe because he is perfectly capable of being independent but has no desire to be. Homeschooling him would genuinely be a nightmare and I don’t think it would be at all beneficial to him. I think he needs that time away from me to develop his own ideas and pursue his interests, because here he only pursues mine. He really struggles with initiating anything, and I really think he needs that input from more experienced people than me.

My daughter's very similar to that actually. I do find it frustrating, but she has gradually become more independent, especially in places or with people she knows well (e.g. the groups we normally go to). But also in new situations too, though it might take her a while.

The biggest single difference I found was letting her play audiobooks, and she was suddenly more willing to play independently because they were occupying a corner of her mind while she did something else.

@laudete I think I will try emailing. When I rang and spoke to the school office a few weeks ago (and you’re right, I don’t think there’s any chance of speaking to his teacher!) she mentioned that the school use a home-school communication system (one of those apps) and said someone would be in touch to set me up on that so that I could at least get the ball rolling, but again I’ve heard nothing and I’m aware we’re getting closer and closer to the holidays.

@SparkyBlue oh bless him, I hope it all goes well for you, sounds like you’re in a similar boat!

@rooarsome I know, it doesn’t seem right that he’s starting school, in my head he’s no more than a baby! I guess that’s part of my problem 🤣 Good luck to you too x

@Wolfiefan that’s lovely to hear, thank you 😊 I already know that it’s an amazing feeling seeing him accomplish things, especially since this time last year I wasn’t expecting him to even come close to being ready, he really has achieved a lot in a small space of time, so you’re right that it’s definitely something to look forward to! Thank you!

You’re welcome. I also used to teach secondary age. Any information from home that can help staff support students is always gratefully received.

I would definitely email rather than call. Lots of teachers are working at home and the ones in school very busy, so it will be easier for them to read an email when they are free.

You mention professionals agreeing about his needs, could you get a professional involved to write a letter outlining these and including any recommendations? Could the nursery write a handover letter regarding their observations and how they have supported him? It might help for the school to get any additional information.

@Probablygreen we were lucky as I did get that one on one time with his teacher. Unfortunately it's not the same teacher that my daughter had (there are three classes starting)who would have met my son several times so it would have made the transition easier. I was able to give her a copy of the report from the psychologist that we had from his initial assessments which basically say he has some issues but nothing serious but the teacher was fabulous and asked for my email address so if she has any further questions before he starts she can contact me and she asked me about his main interests so she can have something to chat to him about. I also gave her the go ahead to chat to his pre school teacher if she wishes to. We got his booklist and we actually bought his uniform the other day and he was totally and utterly uninterested. There was another little girl in the shop getting her uniform and she was all excited so it highlighted the issues we have with him.
@rosiejaune he loved books and stories so that's a great idea