To be dreading DS going to school (not COVID related)

[Probablygreen]

DS is due to start Reception in September, but each day that passes I am feeling more and more sad. It’s silly really as he already attends nursery for 5 long afternoons a week (sessions are 5 hours) so it’s not the amount of time he’ll be away from me. School just seems so much more formal, grown up and rigid. I’m already thinking about the freedom that we’ll lose as a family - going on holiday whenever we feel like it, trips to the beach on a sunny day instead of having to wait until the weekend when it’ll be raining, Dad works afternoons into the evenings so the time we spend together is weekday mornings, won’t be able to do that anymore. He’s an autumn baby as well so I can’t even consider delaying him.
On top of that he has undiagnosed extra needs (undiagnosed as in professionals agree that he has multiple issues but we have already been told that grouped together we are unlikely to ever get a ‘named’ diagnosis) so I need to make the school aware of these but I feel ridiculous listing these minor issues without a proper diagnosis, I feel like a neurotic parent. Without seeing DS in context, school are likely to look at the list and think he doesn’t need any extra support when in fact he does. Issues are things like, he has hyper mobile fingers, so can write but only on a slanted whiteboard, he struggles to apply the correct pressure to paper so it appears that he can’t write when asked to do this. I don’t want his teacher to automatically mark him as someone that can’t do things when he can with the correct support and equipment. This is just one example, he has many similar physical needs.
I feel rubbish that we can’t meet his teacher before September to explain all of this first hand and he has never even seen the inside of the school. I tried ringing the school to see if I could speak to someone but there was no-one available, I left my number but no-one got back to me (over a week ago). I feel like ringing again now just adds to that whole ‘neurotic parent’ label that I’m so worried about!
I don’t really know what I’m expecting here, just some messages of support I suppose, and maybe some parents of this year’s reception intake to tell me it’s actually not as bad as they thought it would be!
PS the school we have a place at is lovely and seems like it will suit DS down to the ground so it’s not that I’ve made the wrong school choice!

I would suggest seeing if you can find an email to put all your concerns down in and send it in to school. If you can't find an email, give them a call and say you would like to raise concerns prior to him starting and want to give them as much time as possible. Putting it in an email will ensure you have included everything you need to, the person who needs to see it can look at it when they have a chance - ie 10pm if necessary. Some of the things you mention are things that a school can easily adapt for with a bit of advanced notice.

Start of school is a massive adjustment as it does limit you, I found it even as a teacher - I am part time so not being able to do things on the Friday was a bit of a shock to the system! It will be ok I promise.

@FrancesHaHa Thank you, I’m writing an email to the school now 😊
I have lots of letters from multidisciplinary teams, paeds, occupational therapy, physio and SALT but none of them are all-encompassing, they focus on their own specific area of need. The one from paeds is probably the most rounded but it’s from January, as he was due to have all of his reviews around April, which obviously haven’t gone ahead, with appointments pushed back to September. I might try contacting them to see if they could send me a consolidated letter, I’m just always conscious of asking for more from an already overwhelmed service 🤣

The not holidaying when you like is the biggest pain in the arse imo

@Probablygreen I was a bit like that feeling that I am asking for a lot when everyone is under so much pressure but I had a lovely phone call from the team psychologist just checking up with everyone and seeing how we were with the whole coronavirus situation and she told me to always make as much fuss as I feel I need to. That's it's my child and never apologise for pushing for extra resources or help for him

@PrincessHoneysuckle too right 🤣

Remember, the school will get a report from nursery, I take it they're well aware of his problems?

They should have got back to you though.

I think you have every right to be concerned. But, assuming he's going to a half way decent school, I think you're being overly pessimistic about what is going to happen.

For a start, I would be very surprised if reception children are just expected to start school on xx September without any of the usual settling in/planning/ accommodation that happens. However, it's impossible for schools to plan alternatives right now as they don't know what the government guidelines etc will be by then. For example, if bubbles are still necessary, that will change how they teach, teacher allocation, class planning etc. That also then changes what settling in may be required. So, frustrating though it is, you need to give them time to work some of this stuff out.

In terms of his specific needs, of course you should have the option to provide some of this information ahead of time. Different schools/areas do it differently. At our school, we fill in about 3000 forms in which we flag any learning/physical/social challenges, are asked to provide any details of outside agencies who have been engaged with the child and also the details of any nurseries the child already attends. These nurseries are then asked to provide some basic information regarding the child's progress/learning within their settings. This informs things.

Incidentally, DS had been seen by SALT but discharged at the time of his admittance to school but his details must have flagged something on the system and in fact his nursery received an additional call from the our local educational team ahead of him starting school to ask for extra information.

Whether or not he will get an EHCP or not, if he has the challenges you are referring to, the school will notice (plus, they'll have the pre information you've provided). Most likely, they'll work with you to agree on what support they can and should provide. Whether these are offered from reception is likely to vary from child to child but certainly at our school, DS has been getting extra support from Year 1 informally and this was formalised in year 2.

This is all a lot of detail but my point is that while I don't think you should be complacent, unless the school has written to you to say "we're starting full time school on 4 September and this is his class", I wouldn't be assuming he won't be getting a version of the same support all children starting reception get.

Hi OP

I know you haven't got all the info but I do think if you drop them an email with that attached explaining that there is more too it and you'd appreciate a chat. then they will arrange a call before end of year or early on.

On a general note the start of school is just about them settling in to school environment, getting over initial fear... they will look at them individually as they've settled in...they are used to a range of children, with a huge range of needs, especially as some are only just 4, abilities & backgrounds and normally do a parents evening really early on...

Is there anything they really need to know about before that? ....ie will they refuse to sit down for story time, wet themselves regularly, refuse to speak, bite other kids for entertainment etc

@Almostfifty Yes they are aware and he has a support plan in place there, but they sent the report a month ago, when DS hadn’t been at nursery since early Feb (we went on holiday early Feb and when we came back there was lockdown) so it’s a bit out of date. Also, some other issues have been picked up during lockdown that I haven’t had a chance to discuss with anyone yet, that I’d like to make them aware of, just so I can get their opinion on whether it’s an issue or not, if that makes sense?

@BlingLoving we have been informed that they are starting on 7th September, provided nothing changes, but there will be a staggered start. What isn’t clear though, is whether the first day will be like a normal first day (given that children often have lots of visits prior to their first day and meet their teacher etc.) or whether it will be a more informal day with parents able to settle them in, and the formal ‘first day’ coming later. I think we’ll just have to wait and see on that one.

@happytoday73 there are a few things they need to know, like his surgical history and mobility problems, they’re the main things I wanted to highlight and it’s essential that they know about them before the first day back, otherwise I can’t in good faith leave him knowing he’ll be safe. You’re right about the other things though, thank you 😊

My DD is in year 1 now but she has a mobility issue. It wasn't officially diagnosed until she was in Reception but I always suspected it and her private nursery agreed with my suspicion and put support in place for it.

School had reports from Nursery, and had copies of all her medical notes, plus they asked me to write a statement of how I feel she's affected by this issue.

From her very first day she's had support in place. They're slowly withdrawing it now as she doesn't need it as much but they've never said she doesn't have it even pre-diagnosis. School can get diagnosises too unlike a lot of private Nurseries.

What I'm trying to say is it will be fine. Every school is different and how they gather information is different too. If it makes you feel better though do send an email FAO his teacher, even if you get no reply I'm sure it'll be added to his records.

@TheSquareCube thank you, that’s a really kind reply 😊