Child Maintenance

[GotAnyGrapes17]

WIBU to go through Child Maintenance Services?

Trying not to be too outing her.
Ex P has always paid about £50/£60 per month less than he should. He pays £150 that all goes on a sport that DD does. It doesn't even touch my account just goes straight to that. That's fine, he always says that money is to cover her (everything) and how I choose to spend it is done to me. I've always chosen to do it that way as it means I don't have to put the money aside for her. And also, she used to stay there 2 nights per week enabling me to work. She hasn't been staying with him since lockdown and has seen him 3 times since mid March.

She now isn't staying, and to be honest, I can't see her going back to staying two nights a week because of her age and the fact that I don't need her to as my job has changed.

I have always paid everything, uniform, school shoes, days out, school trips, tutor and obviously keeping a roof over her and keeping her warm and fed.
Whenever I have approached the subject about helping out with uniform/school trip etc I am always stonewalled and he tells me that "he pays his money, what I do with it is up to me" and that he pays over what he should anyway.

I have just asked for a bit of childcare related help over the summer- either have her for a couple of afternoons a week, or can we both take some annual leave. He totally shut me down and told my it was my responsibility to sort it out.

Now, when I have used the CMS calculator, he is paying about £57 per month less than he should.
Now I'm prepared to swallow this- but I just feel I get no other benefit from co-parenting with him now. No help over the summer, no child free nights etc etc.

Half of me wants to tell him to poke all his money, and least then I will know I've done this totally alone. Half of me wants to file for official child Maintenance. I don't especially need it, I've managed for 10 years with out it, and some of those years really struggled and could have used it!!
My reservations are that he isn't a bad dad, on the whole we get in okay (as long as I do 100% of the parenting), my family and his family get in, I like his girlfriend and her son. I just don't want to make the whole thing better.
But in some ways I feel like I owe it to DD, the £57 could sit in a saving account and she could have it when she is older. He is never going to contribute towards uni fees or a car or anything.

Mumsnetters, please tell me what to do!!

Anyone

Are you certain you will get more? Have you taken into account any children in his household and do you know his income?

I think I'd take the extra.
You've taken it for this long as it does benefit your DD and helps you out.
The high road of "I did it on my own" doesn't help with the bills, and you've been taking it for a while (10 years?) So not much point stopping now.

Its his obligation to pay. And I wouldn't expect any less!
He sounds like an arse, but not a lot you can do about that, unfortunately.

Claim! He's not a good dad for god sake he wont even help cover summer holidays!

Go through CMS. You get 3 options - sort it out between you, a standing order and contact them if it's not paid (called direct pay) and the third option is they collect it from his wages (collect and pay). Unfortunately you only get option 3 if they keep not paying. My ex keeps not paying and they still won't put me on option 3 as apparently he's contacting them.

But it's so worth it. It's guaranteed (mostly) and men shouldn't be allowed to not pay enough. In my opinion the minimum CMS is rubbish anyway, DS costs me far more than the pittance I get. But it takes a lot of pressure off.

@ArnoldBee yes

Yes claim its such a pathetic amount being paid

I’d put into CMS

A good dad doesn’t let his child go without - this isn’t a good dad
A good dad takes annual leave to spend extra time with child - this isn’t a good dad

Sorry

@PrincessPain sorry, not sure how clear my OP was. I have NOT been taking it for 10 years. It was only today I calculated it- and realised it was about £50-60 per month less than it should have been

Claim
You shouldn't have to beg him for help and this established a firm boundary.

He's not a good dad - he doesn't want to see his child any extra days over the summer. Surely a 'good dad' would want to?

Why would you cover it? Tell him the figure, if he won't cover it go to cms!

There’s a CMS calculator and as long as you know what he earns you can work it out on that and in my experience it’s fairly accurate.

Just an aside, your daughter requires food, clothes, a roof over her head and utilities to be paid so even if you spent it on that it’s totally acceptable. Also the CMS payment is the minimum he should pay towards financially supporting the child. He isn’t some hero for paying the minimum.

@ivykaty44 that is such a bs statement how do you know he doesn't pay more maybe he buys the child stuff when with him.

@ComfyCosyGood what is a good amount then?

“He isn’t a bad dad”

Why do people continually post shit like this?

He is a bad dad.

Raise the claim.

You should claim, he's paying less than the minimum. He needs to realise that the minimum I'd just that, not a target.

My sister did just this and It completely f*cked up the relationship she had with her exh. That caused all sorts of stress and bother with in-laws with the result her dd. She latter admitted that I wasn’t worth the extra £62 , which she didn’t need anyway.

Oh hello Bus Driver.. Not at all surprised to see you here on the exs side. He SHOULD be buying her stuff when she's with him. The maintenance is to contribute toward the time she is with the op, which at the moment is 100%. Unless there's a genuine 50/50 split, there is no argument at all for not paying cms absolute minimum and a decent dad would pay more than 16-18% of salary as it doesn't touch the sides of 50% of costs unless the payer is a v high earner, 40k plus.

Apologies for typos , tapping this out on train 🚆

Also OP, I should say, people often see the cms as a threat.. Like if its used its an accusation that they've not stepped up. It can be a way to simply depersonalise the issue and make it as objective as possible. You could try to present it to your ex like that.

@VesperLynne this is exactly what I'm concerned about. That she will end up missing out on times with her paternal family and cousins who she lives.

@TheBusDriver if he took her to say, the Zoo, yes he would pay. He bought her two pairs of trainers, a pair of school shoes, and a few bits of clothing here and there to keep at his place.

We only ever have the information given by the poster, so that’s what we establish our replies

He's a shit father.

Definitely claim. He can't be bothered to maintain a relationship with his daughter anyway so you won't end up like VesperLynne's sister.

@HugeAckmansWife I agree they see it as a threat but if done correctly just formalising the point however I do think an increase should not be expected if over 25%.

I think you need to communicate with him, ask him why he sin,t seeing his child now. (if child is wanting it ofcourse.0 And remind him that if you are to child all time then you are responsible for more expenses and is he able to contribute more?