Tell me to stop interfering in the life of my 19 year old daughter.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

The title says it. But does not say it all.

DD1 is just 19. I love her dearly. She is in well established recovery from very severe anorexia (as bad as it gets; 3 years to get her to where she is now).

She is due to go to university this coming October (she missed a year on account of her ill health). The lockdown has affected her mental health but I thought she was coping. I am very supportive of her.

She had a boyfriend just prior to lockdown. He lives alone. One year older. Has mental health issues of his own. She feels responsible for him. They argue constantly over the phone. I believe he gaslights her and is not faithful. He takes money from her. He is verbally abusive. Possibly physically too. She says she loves him.

I feel so incensed I want to phone him up and tell him to fuck off.

DD1 is presently crying in her room as another friend has told her he has been unfaithful.

DD1 is formidably intelligent and talented. She is also strikingly beautiful and attracts attention she cannot really cope with.

I should possibly back off and leave her to get on with it. But her recovery was so hard won (she was sectioned, tube fed, nearly died) I just can’t stand by and let all her effort to get better “go to waste”.

I really love her. Would do anything for her. This is not about me. I just want to do what is best.

I don't think 19 is too old for you to have any input in your DDs life, especially as she has had anorexia.

I would try to have a grown up conversation. I would tell my DD that I couldn't feel kindly towards her boyfriend if he'd treated her like this. I would also point her in the direction of Women's Aid, the Freedom programme etc. And see if she wanted some counselling/therapy - reminding her that therapy isn't a one off "cure" like having your appendix out, but can be an ongoing response to a need (like antibiotics for recurrent UTI).

And I do discuss red flags etc with my grown up children.

I would not tell bf to fuck off because he will simply use it against you and you need
her to feel in her side .

The freedom program is available online - I would suggest she does it to understand all sorts of healthy relationships - I have done it after I moved into a refuge- lots of behaviours I recognised in my ex I had never thought of.

I think you need to approach with the what do you think about that ? She is an adult but vulnerable. So tread carefully.

I don’t think you’re out of order. She’s that tricky age of nearly an adult but not experienced in life yet. Also it’s good to question your behaviour. Not because you’ve done anything wrong but more as an appraisal. What’s working well, what is more about you, what is about her, your partner, what is going unsaid etc. I only have small children but I can imagine the temptation to go round the boyfriend’s house and tell him to fuck off! It must be so hard to watch your child be treated badly. But she has to work it out in her own way. With you there as support. Hope she gets there soon with it all.

Op your not interfering your just trying to protect her yes she might be 19 but she also sounds very vulnerable and her boyfriend knows how vulnerable and in love with him she is so thinks he can get away with treating her like crap. Just continue to be there for her and let her keep talking to you about everything I know it’s difficult but she knows you are there for her. As much as you would like to tell the POS to fuck off please don’t that could damage your relationship with your DD and she could end up getting in even deeper with this boyfriend just be there for her and carry on letting her come to you for advice and cuddles. One day she will realise the truth and it will hurt her but she will eventually get herself out of the relationship when his hold on her slowly starts to loosen just give it time for the rose tinted glasses to come off.

Yanbu at all OP. You sound lovely and not meddling at all.
I'd feel like that about my DDs if they were 30 or 40 and without the anorexia issues.
I'm so glad shes doing better and you have a good, close relationship.
I think in the circumstances you would be unreasonable not to give your opinion. Just be careful you dont say too much so if she does stay with him that she wont stop telling you things.
Sounds like you've both been to hell and back.
Hope it all works out ok.

What is he doing in September? If he’s or she are going away / that would force a separation.

@zebramummy (on page 1) sums up my thought. You can support her without interfering.

When a child turns eighteen, that don’t morph I into a fully fledged adult, but still need parental support and guidance.

Does she feel responsible for him, or can mend him? As he emotionally manipulated her? Ie.she leaves,, he’ll do something drastic?

Eating disorder plus poor friendship/partner choices is a combination often seen in autistic girls/young women.

Just in case it has never been considered, and it would be helpful to look into it and get appropriate support.

Even if your dd weren’t vulnerable, at 19, she would still likely be in need of support. You’re not interfering.

Don’t talk, listen. If you give people space to talk without interjecting other than encouraging them to keep talking by using open questions they often will talk themselves round to a better understand of what they think and feel

It’s so difficult OP but you really do have to try to back off and let her make her own choices. All you can do is keep the channels of communication open and let her know you have her back, whatever happens. As the parent of a 23yo with mental health issues I really feel for you, parenting an adult is really hard.

I worked with a lovely man whose daughter had anorexia. He and his wife were told that they should treat her as the same age as she was when she developed the illness, because anorexics just stop maturing then as their focus is purely on their illness. I wouldn't tell your daughter this but it might help you get some perspective.

Even without anorexia, I would be fighting for my daughter on this one. It's the hardest thing in the world to see someone treat your child badly. I think what girls of that age need is to see really positive male role models and to think "Would this (role model) guy ever treat someone like this?" The closer that person is to her own age, the better.

The other thing is, get her to keep a diary and to throw everything she has into it. It's such a good way of relieving tension.

I’ve had lots of good advice here. Plenty to work through. Thank you for helping without judging.

Was just going to ask OP, how independent is she? Does she have qualifications, A levels? Does she have a job?

If she has managed those type of things she is probably stronger than you think.

One useless boyfriend that screws her over and helps her learn what to avoid in the future may not be a bad thing.

Don't interfere with her boyfriend. Her friend is already telling her what she needs to hear. And one day she will figure it out too. The last thing you want as a teenager is your mum telling you to stop seeing a boy:) . that is like saying don't think about a pink elephant. It will only make her want him even more.

Keep an eye out yes of course. And keep looking on from a distance to see her for what she is. She wasn't in 'ill health' as you said, she has a mental health dissorder . Anorexia is one of the absolute worst mental health problems there are. I have seen this up close unfortunately.

Keep your eye on her. Always. But don't interfere with the bf. And don't intervene with the bf. You are not at work standing up for the 'disadvantaged and disempowered'. This is your teenage daughter with a mental health problem. This requires different strategies. Anorexics seek control. Maybe try to find out why she needs this control. Read up on it and join a (online?) counselling group, specific to families dealing with anorexia(!) to get a grasp on how to deal with this. And even then every situation is different so it will be hard. I feel terribly sorry for you. X

Speaking from experience (of the anorexia, being the DD in a controlling relationship with a very concerned DM and, decades later, of being the very concerned DM of a DD in a controlling relationship), I think the thing to keep in mind is that there is a future scenario where this will work out fine and DD will learn from it. It's important to remember that she's not necessarily doomed, and she will be so much stronger and wiser once she comes out of the other side of this.

However, there is nothing you can actively do to protect DD directly at this point, nor to speed up the process. I found what was helpful was planting the seeds of questions and just being there on the sidelines to support - I picked up some freedom programme cards at an (unrelated) feminist event and casually gave one to DD that listed the traits of Mr Wrong on one side and Mr Right on the other. I didn't relate it to her situation or her boyfriend though - just framed it as something they're giving to all young women so they know what to expect in a relationship and what standards to set. We then talked about this periodically, just casually over breakfast, etc, sometimes brought up by her, sometimes by me. I also put the questions back on her quite a bit (same as if it's a friendship issue): 'Huh. do you think that's how people who love each other behave?' 'Oh, sorry to hear that. Hey, would you do that to him?' (disclaimer: DD also has ASD so this may be completely different for an NT child!). But getting her to think through these questions for herself rather than my cutting straight to my solutions made a big difference. I can't emphasise enough how subtle all of this had to be - it was all very low-key and none of it was related to the arsehole guy and all of it was related to her own values and how she wanted to treat people herself. I carried such a weight of worry around with me during that period and it was awful having to wait on the sidelines and watch her being mistreated. Thankfully, after a lot of to-ing and fro-ing, that arsehole is now well out of the picture and she's dating a lovely, thoughtful guy.

One of the reasons I was able to be so restrained and fight my instincts when my baby was being abused by this arsehole was because I was in exactly the same situation when I was DD's age. My DM has massive boundary issues and has always interfered in my life in hugely inappropriate ways. This used to trigger my eating disorder because as a PP mentioned, it was the only thing I could actually control myself. These boundary issues had two effects: it pushed me closer to the controlling arsehole as DM was so desperate in her attempts to 'save' me from him that she came across as completely unhinged and very controlling, which gave him plenty of ammo to discredit her. But more significantly, I think that growing up with her boundary issues rendered me unable to know what was normal or to set boundaries in my own relationships in the first place. I had no clue what I should be accepting once the controlling behaviour started, because I was kind of used to that from DM and I had no sensible frame of reference. I don't blame DM for my decisions (not now, at least - although it took me a few years to get to this point!), as I know her actions came from a place of anxiety, deep concern and love, but......reader, I married him! Obviously got divorced several years later once I finally came to my senses, though.

I take full responsibility for my decisions, but, having been the DD in that situation, I was also determined not to handle the situation with my own DD in the same way - although I didn't know what would actually be helpful, I certainly knew by that point what wasn't!

I'm not suggesting you're anything like my DM, OP (seriously- no-one is!) but I thought it might help to share the extremes I've been through in case any of it turns out to be vaguely helpful in working out your next steps.

Thank you everyone. In particular those with personal experience; especially of living with anorexia or helping someone suffering from it. The disease has cast a long shadow. It has definitely made me over protective of her. Though I doubt I’d find it easy to stand by and watch her confidence eroded even without that in her past. The point is I suppose that had she not been so badly affected by illness then she might have been better able to look out for herself.

To those who have asked - the boyfriend is only a year older. He has minimal contact with his own family and does not work.

DD1 is very academically able and despite being out of education for 18 months she did get good qualifications. But she is not really independent. She has never had a job. She panics when out on her own sometimes. Asks me to sort her repeat medications, do her paperwork etc. (student finance application for example). I prepare all her meals. She is very articulate and well presented and if you met her you’d never guess how lacking in confidence she is. I know you only have my word for it. But I truly would love her to gain in independence. I’m not seeking to keep her dependant on me. As I said up thread her sister is 3 years younger and is more independent.

DD1 receives higher rate PIP and her boyfriend demands some of this money from her.

I won’t keep posting here as I don’t want to keep this thread alive unnaturally. But I shall read any updates and return to all the comments.

I do really want to thank you all for such constructive help.

You said your daughter doesn't really have friends her own age? That must be really tough for her. Friends are everything at that age. You're right, family just isn't enough when you're 19. I wonder if she's hanging on to this guy as he's her one peer-aged relationship?

Saying all this, so many of us have had bad relationships at the age of 19. Teenage boys cheat, they just do. He doesn't sound like a good'un but neither do I think you need to panic unduly. She hasn't had the opportunity to learn incrementally who to stay away from yet, like most of us do growing up, so she's getting a crash course now. Hopefully with your support she'll come out the other side a lot wiser.

And here's hoping she can get away to university soon and start her new life.

Seems like there must be a lot of support groups for recovering annies. The community is out there if she is brave enough to look.

Yes. Plenty of support for the anorexia. That has been very well treated and supported. It is the “boyfriend” issue that is the trouble at the moment. Though the anorexia is context as it helps explain why she is vulnerable and my attitude to that.

Hi op , I totally understand your instinctive urge to protect but you wanted reasons why you shouldn't so ...

• if you speak to him directly, your dd is bound to find out, and she will feel dreqdfully undermined. Also, you risk bringing them together with you as the common "enemy"
• if your dd is about to start uni, it is very likely that she will drop this awful bf once she starts to make more friendships and meet new people and her circle widens
• if we interfere too much in our DC:s lives it gives them the underlying message "I don't trust you to sort this out for yourself" which is the last thing you want your dd to feel ATM
• by sitting and listening and supporting her in the background you are actively helping her. Don't say much. Just listen. And then make the very rare comment which "counts" ie ask her what advice she would give to a friend in the same circumstances.
• sometimes you have to go through difficult times and learn from them by youtself in order to come out stronger on the other side.

Teens can be such a difficult mix. Highly intelligent and insightful one minute, and then as daft as a brush the next (ie not seeing the irony of the bf not approving of the Freedom Programme!). It is the very hardest part of parenting and you sound hugely supportive.

Fwiw (although it obviously depends on how abusive the bf is) I think you are wise to step back and support from the sidelines for now. However, if things escalate, and you have proof of monetary, verbal and physical abuse, then I would obviously urge your dd to go to the police.

I went through a similar thing, with violence as a teen. What I would have loved my mother to do:

1. If you can afford to, book a place to go to for a few days from the 4th of July. For some reason travelling and being in a new place gave me a new perspective, and suddenly I could see a way out. You can use the time together to talk about her experiences/hopes and dreams.

2. long walks with her to get it all off her chest, let her talk and talk if she wants to

3. A brilliant therapist, assuming you haven't already got one.

4. Buying her a place on yoga and meditation courses, try and choose a class with other young people or a one to one session

5. Doing things with her, as much as you can, so she feels quietly supported.

6. Don't allow anorexia to define her, she is bigger and more than that. For ages everyone would talk about it as if that was all that mattered (clearly it is for you as the parent) but try to stop people banging on about it, and focus instead on other things.

7. Have hope, she is bright, she is beautiful - she will come out the other side with a loving mother and family that care so much about her. She will come out stronger and more resilient, even if that is hard to imagine right now. It is a process.

If you can send her somewhere travelling with friends for the summer, somewhere safe and easy, then that could be the way out for her (it was for me and I managed to do it on under 450.00) she needs to see that another life/version of her is possible.

I don't think you should back away, if you have the strength keep going, she will be out of the woods at some point. The fact she is 19 is irrelevant she is still young, and clearly needs all the help she can get. for you

Thank you. I do think I have allowed the anorexia, if not to define how I see her , at least to have quite an impact on how I interact with her.

Demanding money... that’s a worrying aspect. Is he controlling her?