Tell me to stop interfering in the life of my 19 year old daughter.

[LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood]

The title says it. But does not say it all.

DD1 is just 19. I love her dearly. She is in well established recovery from very severe anorexia (as bad as it gets; 3 years to get her to where she is now).

She is due to go to university this coming October (she missed a year on account of her ill health). The lockdown has affected her mental health but I thought she was coping. I am very supportive of her.

She had a boyfriend just prior to lockdown. He lives alone. One year older. Has mental health issues of his own. She feels responsible for him. They argue constantly over the phone. I believe he gaslights her and is not faithful. He takes money from her. He is verbally abusive. Possibly physically too. She says she loves him.

I feel so incensed I want to phone him up and tell him to fuck off.

DD1 is presently crying in her room as another friend has told her he has been unfaithful.

DD1 is formidably intelligent and talented. She is also strikingly beautiful and attracts attention she cannot really cope with.

I should possibly back off and leave her to get on with it. But her recovery was so hard won (she was sectioned, tube fed, nearly died) I just can’t stand by and let all her effort to get better “go to waste”.

I really love her. Would do anything for her. This is not about me. I just want to do what is best.

9, 19 or 29, our children will always be our children and most loved of anyone on the planet and when someone hurts them our visceral impulse is to protect them.
You can only make sure that she absolutely knows that you 'have her back.'
The best of wishes to you and your daughter.
PS - when she is feeling more robust get her to read some (carefully selected) threads on Relationships - mental armour for the future.

It doesn't sound as if she is quite ready for you to totally back off just yet. I'd guess the decision to stay at home for uni is part of her acknowledging that, even tacitly.

I don't know how your interactions with her are, but rather than trying to fix stuff, or tell her she should be doing x, y, z, you need to move to a point where you're empowering her to make the right decision. So discussing options non-confrontationally and getting her to work through likely outcomes. So don't say 'he's a low life scumbag', say 'I'm sorry to hear he's been cheating. How do you feel about it, what do you want to do about it, what would you say to a girl friend in the same position.'

Normally I would say she's 19 so leave her be. She has to learn from her own mistakes however heartbreaking it is for you to watch. However she does sound very vulnerable and fragile so of course you feel like you need to step in. You don't sound controlling or on a power trip she is your child no matter her age. Talk to her help her see she is worth so much more than what she is accepting now. I'm sorry for your daughter and i hope things get better. You sound like a lovely mum

Keep talking to her, dont judge and just make sure she knows no matter what you are here for her. I didnt have anorexia but I was in the same situation at her age, an abusive boyfriend who I knew was wrong for me but I couldnt find the strength to break away. Starting university was the catalyst for me, I realised that his lie to me about 'how I'd never find anyone else' as I would bet hes telling her wasnt true as I met new people and it did happen. I finished with him over the phone and opened up to my mum n dad about it and I never saw him again. They had hated him for a long time and i needed that change to wake me up

I think you should protect her tbh. Consider a few years lost to illness and do what you'd do for a younger teen.

It sounds as if she needs therapy to deal with self esteem issues.

In your shoes I would find an excellent therapist and tell her it’s good to have someone neutral to bounce one’s thoughts off of. Don’t make it about any issues you see.

Would she be open to doing the Freedom Programme online course? If you pitched it as being a way for her to learn how to build healthy relationships?

Telling him to get lost won't help, but giving her knowledge and skills to see for herself that this is not what love looks like might help her reach a point where she can do that for herself.

I’ve suggested the Freedom Programme. She is thinking about it but says her boyfriend would not approve!

She had 3 years of intensive therapy. Was fairly recently discharged. It was successful in dealing with her eating disorder and some associated issues. But was not a “fix all”.

She is considering some more CBT.

If this boyfriend is a mistake (and it sounds like he is) there is every chance your daughter will grow and change and realise this for herself. Instead of interfering, as you put it, could you try some gentle questioning about their relationship - how it makes her feel, whether he is supportive, etc etc to get her thinking? You know her best and what she might respond to.

Thank you for saying I mostly don’t sound too bad! On good days I think I’m ok. But I do question myself. Maybe that is a good thing. I love my daughter very much. She has been through so much.

My mum isn’t the interfering type but, even though I’m 38, she’ll still give me advice. Usually solicited, but if she feels strongly enough about something, she’ll tell me.

Mumsnet users often seem to feel that every child between the ages of 0 and 18 develop at their own rate (and woe betide anyone who asks if their toddler is meeting milestones), but then universally emerge as fully functioning adults the morning of their 18th birthdays.

Speak to her, but I’d suggest offering support and advice as you would to a friend.

You sound like such a lovely Mum!
Her boyfriend sounds as though he is abusive.
You are not being controlling by warming her about the characteristics of abusive men.
? Is he older than her.
Abusive men prey on women who may be more vulnerable.
In New Zealand there is a foundation called The Sophie Elliott Foundation - it was set up to warn young women about abusive men after Sophie was killed by her partner - there is a checklist
on their website which may help your daughter. I would sit with her, or ask another trusted person to and maybe go through this.
I would try to be non judgmental as being to forceful may cause her to defend this man more.
Where is her Dad? Sometimes a man she trusts getting along side and talking about what a healthy relationship is may be helpful.
Take care.

You sound like an amazing, self aware parent.
As the mum of a vulnerable (younger) teenage daughter who is also behind her chronological age emotionally, I can only suggest that you keep talking to her about her situation and encouraging her to think critically about her choices. Let her know that you are there for her unconditionally.
My guess is that in her first term of university she will outgrow her dick of a boyfriend and move forward with her life without him..

I feel for you.
You are not IMO in anyway interfering
As AP has said, your daughter is a 'new adult'
Still with 'L' plates so the steering wheel WILL need help now and again to get it centred
Just be there with a foot on the brake - IF - it is needed- and always be available. But please trust her to make each dodgy step because if you do touch that brake - she is going to skid and I don't need to add 'out of control' as all of her instincts will be holding onto that, more than life itself- go gently - the both of you

I’m with her dad. I didn’t mention him as this was about my role. He was actively involved in our family therapy (we went once a week for nearly 3 years). He is very supportive. But he is less interventionist than I. Just by nature really. In my job I often advocate often for the disadvantaged and the disempowered. I find it difficult to know where to draw the line when it comes to my own daughter.

This must be so difficult OP.
Try and focus on just building up your daughter. Ignore the scumbag boyfriend for now. She needs to know she can trust you for non judgemental support.
When she feels good about herself and her worth, she will realise he is no good.
If she suspects you want him gone she may just cling to him even tighter.

Just tell her she deserves to be happy and that you don't judge her but she deserves a healthy relationship in which she is respected.

I do hope she will outgrow her boyfriend. She is a tricky mix - very very intelligent, intuitive, insightful. But so do vulnerable and easily hurt. She wants to be loved. And the fact her dad and sublings and Grandparents adore her I afire her

Sorry - that was a mess. I meant to say the fact that we all adore her isn’t enough. Not at her age.

Thank you for all the support. Lots to think about. Lots of measured comments that at least reassure me I’m not entirely out of order. Even if I do need to reign it in a bit.

I’ve suggested the Freedom Programme. She is thinking about it but says her boyfriend would not approve

That is a worrying level of control. Not healthy at all. And I would be worried that he will still be around as she is living at home for Uni.

Do you think she has exchanged control via eating disorder for control by being controlled by someone else?

I think the idea of some counselling support dressed up as seeing her through to the start of Uni and as a neutral person to talk things through with might be a good thing.

Be there for your daughter. I was relying heavily on my mum until I was 30. I'm now 48 and unfortunately she passed away a few years back but she was my rock. There's no cut off at 18 for parenting (imo).
I sometimes think i might be in the minority on this, but then I meet women who's mums are massively in their lives, childcare for all sorts of reasons eg to get haircut. And parents who buy their kids houses!

I think the people who's parents stand back at 18 have a far more likely chance of a very tough life. All homeless young peoples parents 'let go' at 18, for example. (Some homeless young people come from privileged families.)

You keep saying it's not about you, but it is, to some extent.

However, I don't think there's anything inherently shameful or selfish in that. No relationship can be 100% about the other person's feelings and it's only natural that as a mother you are emotionally invested. Denying your feelings of concern, anxiety, vulnerability, etc., probably doesn't help either you or your daughter. If she has a relapse, you will suffer as well; if your daughter's boyfriend hurts her badly you will be involved in helping her to recover and that will have an emotional effect on you.

At 19 she is only just an adult, and it doesn't come across that you are interfering in her life or smothering her - it sounds like you are being thoughtful, careful and supportive.

You seem like a brilliant mum and your daughter seems like an amazing young woman. I think counselling would be really good for her so she can talk to someone neutral.

I really feel for you, OP. So diffifcult and upsetting to view your daughter like this.

Does she still have therapy? It sounds like she does not value herself enough for a good relationship still?

When she tells you about him have you tried the questioning line of, "if your best friend was telling you this about their boyfriend what advice would she give them?" Can be powerful as it is not your advice and it may make her reflect on the decisions she is making. And, yes, encourage the Freedom programme. Sending hugs x

I’d be lost without my mum OP and I’m mid thirties! She still bosses me about sometimes and thinks nothing of telling me when I’m making mistakes. Good job too because I’ve certainly made a lot of them! I fully intend on doing the same with my lot, I don’t care how old they get, they are my children and I will always do my upmost to help, guide and support them.

I agree with some previous posts in that instead of focusing directly on him, talk to your daughter about what makes for good, healthy relationships. Let her know that you are there for her. I do agree completely that it’s her life and you can’t make decisions for her, but that doesn’t mean you have to sit back on your heels and watch her potentially make some very damaging choices.