To hope that SIL giving birth will heal family estrangement?

[Apossibility84]

Has anyone had situation where family has been estranged but a new baby has brought the family together?

Desperately hoping that brother’s new baby will heal family rift.

What is this,Game of Thrones?

If it is Game Of Thrones I hope the ending is better this time.

No reason it should. I hoped my dd giving birth would heal our estrangement, but it just made it worse.

Never watched that.

Awful family argument a few years ago. There’s been a slight softening with texts etc. But still not seeing or anything like that.

I’m desperate to be a part of my niece’s life but can’t bring myself to actually engage on the argument that took place (neither can my brother), so just hoping that birth may lead to it being swept under the carpet?!

@MrsT1405

In what way?

at Game of Thrones

OP, that's a huge amount of pressure to put on a new baby. I would try very hard to manage your expectations

I think that can happen, but if it's swept under the carpet rather than being addressed there's always the possibility of it flaring up again.

Yes, it’s a well known fact having a baby will superglue a family or marriage back together again.

Sweeping stuff under the carpet never ever ends well

No it'll make it worse, all the "I don't want x around the baby" type stuff.

I think unless the people involved have complete personality transplants, then why would a baby change anything? The new parents will be exhausted and not exactly at their best or most accommodating.

Do you need to apologise to SIL? It's clear you and DB want to be reconciled?

I doubt it. In fact it will probably intensify it. If she feels under pressure to forgive and forget do you can have access to the baby she might dig her heels in.

When dd2 was born I wasn’t speaking to mil. She had behaved dreadfully whilst I was pregnant. I felt under pressure of my ex to ‘move forward’ as she was desperate to make amends. So I reluctantly did. I was offered no apology - it was swept under the carpet.

Fast forward three years, we were back in NC as MIL just cannot help being a nasty cunt. When i gave birth to dd3 no way was that women coming near my new baby. I made her wait three months and they have very limited contact.

I think your expectations are entirely fanciful. A new baby can't heal family drama.

If you’re desperate to heal the family rift then you need to contact them. You don’t need to engage in the previous argument. They’ll either be willing to let bygones by bygones or they won’t. A new baby won’t change that

Thanks for thoughts

I don’t think so. Having a child can really make you think about what shit you want around them... and make you pull up your drawbridge. If I was SIL, I’d be even less inclined to have my brother use my child in some shit show. I definitely wouldn’t if the parties involved weren’t even engaging to resolve it, but wanting to sweep it all under the carpet.

Whose argument is this? Between you and brother, or other family members?

Who is the horrible person in this scenario? If it’s the mother, chances are she will continue to be a total shit (becoming a mother wont change her) and she will use her baby as a weapon and restrict access.

If the rest of the family are to blame, they can’t expect access to baby after their appalling behaviour.

Best not to consider baby as some sort of panacea. If you don’t get along now, nothing is going to magically change after the birth.

It did for me. I was estranged with siblings but they asked through parents if they could meet DS once he was born. I felt that the feud should 'die with us' if you like and that I would also like to be part of any future neice/nephew lives. DS was the first born.

We are quite close now 3 years on and have never really spoke about it. Just let it go.

I think there's a good chance baby could temporarily bring you together but equally baby could be used as a weapon especially if sil is heavily involved in the rift and she chooses to be awkward.
In this case it's down to sil and how she chooses to play things.

I don’t think it is likely to happen just by magic because a new baby is born.

Lots of us do have a tendency to feel sentimental at the birth of a child, or feel blood is thicker than water, family is family etc.

But it may take some shoe if regret, softening of feelings, and it certainly won’t be about YOU wanting to be part of the baby’s life... because no part of the birth of a baby is all about you.

Who was the row mostly between?

You have only mentioned your SiL once and that is in the title so I think that if you want to be a part of your niece's life, you will have to adjust your attitude towards the child's mother.

I get the feeling from what (the small amount) you have written that something happened with your SiL and that you will still be ignoring her even if you are part of the child's life.

Absolutely nothing to do with sil whatsoever. I have never met her.

Issue between DB and me. Previously very close. Daft argument on day escalated and awful things were said. Both stubborn and after that day (3 years ago), no word since.

Generally makes it worse, as far as I can tell from MN. If the new mother is the unreasonable one, she won't be mellowed by the birth, and if it's not her, but the rest of the family, the new baby gives the rest of the family the opportunity to dig their hole deeper. All the way to Australia.

Top tip. Post-partum women don't like being treated as irrelevant incubators after the new baby has been born. In general, they don't like being treated like shit.

Cross-post.

You'll have to approach your brother and hope it makes him forgiving then.