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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Sex outside of a loveless relationship ok?

34 replies

james1979 · 20/06/2020 10:46

Hi folks,

Apologies, I’m not a mum but a dad. Hope you don’t mind me asking advice but not sure where best to seek advice..

I’m a 42 year old man that has two kids I love to pieces.
I’ve been in a relationship for nearly ten years with my partner (the kids mum) but the sex essentially dried up 1 year into the relationship (before we had kids).
We have sex on average about 6 times a year and only really if I can schedule it in with her in advance (it’s never been a passionate, in the spur of the moment thing, she doesn’t really do physical contact such as hugs, holding hands or kisses etc...)

She’s pretty much always tired (even before we had kids, it’s safe to say we’re both knackered since they arrived), and she doesn’t like chat, prefers to keep herself absorbed in a book etc rather than engage with me.

We don’t really argue much though it does happen occasionally (maybe once a month).
Sadly I expect her to leave (or rather request that I leave) when the kids are old enough to not be seriously affected by it emotionally.

I guess my question is whether it’s ok for me to satisfy the sexual side of the relationship elsewhere but remain a father at home to my kids. Our relationship is sadly quite loveless (I’d prefer it with hugs and kisses etc but it’s not her thing) but we get on quite well and we both love our kids immensely.

Any advice would be great thanks

OP posts:
pomdownunder1 · 20/06/2020 10:49

@james1979

Hi folks,

Apologies, I’m not a mum but a dad. Hope you don’t mind me asking advice but not sure where best to seek advice..

I’m a 42 year old man that has two kids I love to pieces.
I’ve been in a relationship for nearly ten years with my partner (the kids mum) but the sex essentially dried up 1 year into the relationship (before we had kids).
We have sex on average about 6 times a year and only really if I can schedule it in with her in advance (it’s never been a passionate, in the spur of the moment thing, she doesn’t really do physical contact such as hugs, holding hands or kisses etc...)

She’s pretty much always tired (even before we had kids, it’s safe to say we’re both knackered since they arrived), and she doesn’t like chat, prefers to keep herself absorbed in a book etc rather than engage with me.

We don’t really argue much though it does happen occasionally (maybe once a month).
Sadly I expect her to leave (or rather request that I leave) when the kids are old enough to not be seriously affected by it emotionally.

I guess my question is whether it’s ok for me to satisfy the sexual side of the relationship elsewhere but remain a father at home to my kids. Our relationship is sadly quite loveless (I’d prefer it with hugs and kisses etc but it’s not her thing) but we get on quite well and we both love our kids immensely.

Any advice would be great thanks

Hello! Have you tried talking to your partner about opening up your relationship? I wouldn't say it's right to go behind her back and seek sex with someone else without having the open discussions first, if that's what you were asking?
StarScream22 · 20/06/2020 10:51

Honestly I would just leave.

Shinebright72 · 20/06/2020 10:54

Why did you have children after the FIRST year if the sex wasn’t good??? Major error and you have managed to stay a further 9 years!!

That’s a long time to be unhappy.
I would raise the issue and seek relationship counselling.

LagunaBubbles · 20/06/2020 10:57

So many people think they are doing the right thing in relationships like this by staying together "for the sake of the children". Trust me they will be affected growing up with you 2 together like this.

ChewChewsBiscuitTin · 20/06/2020 10:59

I think you need to talk to your partner and work it through with her. If you don't want to do that or you cant reach an understanding of the issues in your relationship then you need to decide whether you want to stay in the current set up, because your options are stay (having tried to improve things or not) or leave. Sadly you cant shag someone else and be doing the right thing at the same time.

Mumsnet is never the place to come if you are looking for a green light to have an affair Wink

Chickychoccyegg · 20/06/2020 11:06

Dont be ridiculous!
you should split up, neither of you sound happy, this is completely unfair on your children, they will benefit much more from 2 happy seperated parents , than parents who stray together in a loveless marriage,you will dtill be a dad if you move out you know, but if you start having sex with someone else and your wife and kids find out, everyone will be a lot more upset and this will impact your relationship with them going forward

Plumpi · 20/06/2020 11:08

You need to ask your wife if it's okay! It's nobody else's business. For all you know she might be thrilled with the idea of an open marriage and be longing for a sexual outlet. No way of knowing unless you ask.

NoHardSell · 20/06/2020 11:12

Do you have a prospective partner lined up? What were you thinking you would do? Is sex without emotions okay for you? Or were you going to look for more? It's very hard to balance emotions, especially as you have been emotionally deprived. You might fall head over heels then things get really messy.

roarfeckingroar · 20/06/2020 11:12

Don't cheat. Cheating is never ok. Talk to your wife. Leave if you're both unhappy.

dontdisturbmenow · 20/06/2020 11:16

Stop the whole 'the relationship is dead, I'm staying for the kids, will wait until she goes and look like the bad one'

Don't be a coward and hypocrite. You are entitled to have concluded that your relationship has run its course. If that's the case, tell her it's over, make plans to move out, arrange to still act like a responsible sad to your kids, and that means not just being a fun weekend dad and face your choices. The kids won't be emotionally traumatised if you act like a grown up that takes responsibity seriously. They might be if they are stuck growing up with a coward.

Leodot · 20/06/2020 11:17

Hi OP,

I’m sorry that you’re feeling dissatisfied but what you’re asking is “is it ok to cheat on my wife?” You already know the answer to that question is no. What happens when you are found out? You more than likely will be. The relationships board is full of threads where people have found out they’ve been cheated on and it’s soul destroying and cruel. People don’t deserve to be cheated on regardless of what is happening in the relationship.

Your wife has a right to not want sex and equally, you have a right to want more affection, love and sex. What you don’t have a right to do is lie to and cheat on someone. Everyone deserves respect and honesty and if you go down the path of cheating, you aren’t giving either.

I think sadly if you want more affection, love and sex then you will need to be honest with your wife and tell her how you’re feeling. Not just a casual “I want us to have sex more” but the whole truth. Tell her how desperate and sad you are feeling. Your feelings are valid and if you choose to stay in this relationship, you need to share them with her. If there has been no improvement after a few months then you need to face the truth that this relationship doesn’t give what you need and you need to leave.

You can still be a great dad even if you don’t live with your children 100% of the time but it will be harder to be a great dad if you do something horrible and deceptive, like cheat on their mum. There’s never an excuse to cheat. Just either accept the situation as it is or have the courage to be honest and potentially leave. The more amicable you can make a separation the better. Although it’s sad, if you just leave without cheating, there doesn’t have to be as much hurt and blame. If you cheat, it will make everything a lot worse and if your kids find out they will probably think a lot less of you, as will other people.

Good luck. I know this is a sad and difficult situation but don’t be a coward and take the cheaters way out.

Notcrackersyet · 20/06/2020 11:18

If you split up you might meet someone and together you can demonstrate to your children how a loving relationship can be. Staying with your wife for the sake of the children is unlikely to be doing your kids any real favours.

Oysterbabe · 20/06/2020 11:18

If she is OK with it then it's OK.

Anamechanged · 20/06/2020 11:21

Just split up now

You're not just looking for sex outside the relationship you're looking for someone to love you

NamechangeOnceMore · 20/06/2020 11:21

Just leave! It sounds like you're not married, so you're in a strong position to disentangle your finances without being screwed over. If you're usually an involved parent who does a significant share of parenting, you're likely to get significant time with the kids after you split (50/50, or 60% of time with Mum and 40% with Dad, seem to be common outcomes, in my social circle).

Much better to split amicably now than to have an affair and have an acrimonious split later.

borntohula · 20/06/2020 11:24

Sounds as though she doesn't really find you attractive so if - when you talk to her about this - she agrees it's fine, go for it.

BigBoosh · 20/06/2020 11:25

"she doesn’t really do physical contact such as hugs, holding hands or kisses etc...)"

She does. Just not with you.
Life is too sure so LTB

Neveranynamesleft · 20/06/2020 11:32

No it is not ok to cheat on your wife.
You are obviously not happy in this relationship for whatever reasons so get the ball rolling and either talk to your wife and sort things out amicably or just move on if you really wish to end things. Life is too short.

SadSisters · 20/06/2020 11:39

@Leodot is spot on

LellyMcKelly · 20/06/2020 11:44

You sound like a dick. You’re making assumptions and excuses that your DP will leave you to justify cheating on her. If you talk to her I suspect she has as much respect for you as you have for her. Honestly? It’s over. Just go.

022828MAN · 20/06/2020 11:47

Just break up.

Notapheasantplucker · 20/06/2020 11:48

No, it's not ok to cheat.

Itthistheend · 20/06/2020 11:51

It’s never ok to cheat. The kids will grow up assuming that’s normal relationship behaviour if they witness it through their parents. If anything staying in a loveless sexless marriage, not talking to her about it and just deciding to cheat is so much worse for the children to grow up in that a split happy household.

FromMarch2020 · 20/06/2020 11:52

Leave her. What a soul destroying existence.

You can both work for the good of your children.

Life is too short to put up with this.

FurbabyLife · 20/06/2020 11:53

I guess my question is whether it’s ok for me to satisfy the sexual side of the relationship elsewhere but remain a father at home to my kids

If she agrees to this then yes. But doing so behind her back would be very grim.

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