Sex outside of a loveless relationship ok?

[james1979]

Hi folks,

Apologies, I’m not a mum but a dad. Hope you don’t mind me asking advice but not sure where best to seek advice..

I’m a 42 year old man that has two kids I love to pieces.
I’ve been in a relationship for nearly ten years with my partner (the kids mum) but the sex essentially dried up 1 year into the relationship (before we had kids).
We have sex on average about 6 times a year and only really if I can schedule it in with her in advance (it’s never been a passionate, in the spur of the moment thing, she doesn’t really do physical contact such as hugs, holding hands or kisses etc...)

She’s pretty much always tired (even before we had kids, it’s safe to say we’re both knackered since they arrived), and she doesn’t like chat, prefers to keep herself absorbed in a book etc rather than engage with me.

We don’t really argue much though it does happen occasionally (maybe once a month).
Sadly I expect her to leave (or rather request that I leave) when the kids are old enough to not be seriously affected by it emotionally.

I guess my question is whether it’s ok for me to satisfy the sexual side of the relationship elsewhere but remain a father at home to my kids. Our relationship is sadly quite loveless (I’d prefer it with hugs and kisses etc but it’s not her thing) but we get on quite well and we both love our kids immensely.

Any advice would be great thanks

I think @Leodot has this all spot on.

You don't want to be that cheating person. Look at the reactions on this thread (and they're mild compared to the usual bitters and haters).

Don't cheat, is the simple takeway here. It causes so much more heartache and this person is the mother of your children, you should have a vested interest in her self esteem both as a person in her own right, but as a mother raising your family.

Back to the dilemna though, I think you need to sit down and really clearly and warmly express that you still fancy her like crazy, you would love to connect more when you both have the energy, and discover what she may need in her life to help her reach this place.

If she is like some I've read online who say "no, never, I'd rather have a cup of tea, read a book, I'd happily go a lifetime without ever having sex again, all that prodding and poking" etc...then you're most likely on a hiding to nothing and this person is not for you. You need to then consider leaving so you can find the sexual companionship you seek, and they can enjoy what they currently have chosen already, without the pressure to have "relationship maintenance" sex with you.

Good luck @james1979

Yup, @Leodot has it.

If your partner has given up on the relationship you owe her nothing, but, if you are caught having sex elsewhere she will probably throw you out and you will no longer live full time with your children.
You will also be widely condemned by the world at large and probably also by your children. You will be seen as a cheater and the world condemns a cheater.
If you are thrown out or, much preferably, split by agreement you have a reasonable chance of 50/50 'custody', but do you want to live without your children for half the time?
I think it is worth forgoing sex for a decade so you can live full-time with your kids. You might not agree.

Some really good advice here - don't be the one to be seen as the bad person.

End the relationship, sort out children etc then when separated find someone nice who appreciates a loving relationship. There are many who simply don't have sex and think their partners should miss out too. Move on life is too short.

You had enough sex to ensure the conception of two children. You clearly want women to give you permission to cheat. Denied.

Remain faithful or leave.

I wouldn’t leave you have managed the last 9 years or so. You need to communicate with your wife!! It sounds like there’s more to it.... never heard of a man not having his needs met after the first 12months. Yet continue nearly a decade later!!

@Shinebright72 - proud to say I did 18 years and left when my youngest went to college. Sometimes you have to pay a price to live with your kids.

[quote ChuckBuk]@Shinebright72 - proud to say I did 18 years and left when my youngest went to college. Sometimes you have to pay a price to live with your kids.[/quote]
That’s so bad. You probably made your partner unhappy in the process. I bet your kids weren’t shocked when u split...

I really feel for you because it sounds like your physical relationship has never really been fulfilling but you felt compelled to stay in the relationship for some reason.
I think you have two choices - say to your partner you are not happy and is she ok about you seeking sexual satisfaction outside the relationship or leave. Choosing to find sexual satisfaction outside the relationship without her approval is not an option you should consider in my view.