A close relative of mine. not visiting baby in SCBU

[Babyface74]

Hi everyone - this is my first post, so I hope I've posted in the right section.

A close relative of mine had a baby 2 weeks okay at 31 weeks. The baby was in distress so she had a c-section. All things considered, the baby is in good shape, but is intensive care on a ventilator.

The problem is (I think) that said relative She doesn?t seem too bothered about visiting her baby who is in intensive care. She is all brandishing photos around and asking us to go up to her house to watch videos of him (?!) but is spending only about an hour or two there a day (in the evenings) despite having all manner of people around who would be more than happy to organise a lift rota (myself included). The hospital is a 10/15 min drive away.

Okay she?s had a c-section but it?s been over 2 weeks now. During the day, she has done the following instead of see her new baby:visited a friend who?d just had a perfectly healthy baby and I?m sure would have understood if she hadn?t visited, gone into work to shop off her baby pics (not pretty as baby is all tubes and wires), lunch with relatives, numerous trips to our local shopping centre, coffees with friends and relatives, the hairdressers.

Today I have offered her a lift there and back to the hospital, but she has declined, saying she will go with her husband this evening. How she can sit at home all day when her baby is lying on his own in hospital escapes me.

Having had a very prem baby myself (28 weeks) I feel very close to the issue. I spent every single day with my son during his 12 week stay in SCBU. I commuted 30 miles into London every day to do so because I didn't want to stay in hospital digs (she was also offered a room in the hospital, which is much closer to home).

She has said to me ? I don?t know how you did it, travelling up to London on the train every day. I?m so tired.? I replied honestly that ?I just wanted to be with my baby as much as a possibly could. I wouldn?t have had it any other way.? Every other mum I met was exactly the same ? spending as much time as they could. From my point of view, if she's got the energy to walk around a shopping centre, she should have the energy to sit next to her baby's bed in hospital!

I feel very wound up about it. She seems to think it?s some kind of holiday, that the hospital is some kind of baby hotel! She only wants the nice bits. I actually feel it?s quite neglectful. And I can?t believe hospital staff aren?t encouraging her to be there more. She tells me they have told her she ?needs to rest? but it?s not that taxing sitting in a hospital chair, is it? If I hadn't been there every single day, caring for my baby as much as I could, I just KNOW the nurses would have been on at me (albeit gently) to do so.

She needs to bond and, if she wants to start breastfeeding him, which she says she does, she needs to start trying.

She is quite a selfish person, so in some ways I'm not surprised. But then again, the only thing she has ever really wanted in life is a baby, so I'm puzzled by her no-show.

I guess it could be that she is frightened of something or maybe has the beginnigs of PND?

I have tried to hint, but I know I can't say anything outright because she is an in-law and, anyway, she has just given birth and I don't want to upset her.

But I do think she is being a bit neglectful and can't believe another family member hasn't encouraged her to visit more.

Would appreciate any thoughts/insights on this.

My cousin had a baby born at 26 weeks. No he was not text book baby pretty come to think of it but she showed everyone his pictures because to her he was the most beautiful thing on the planet and SHE DID NOT SEE THE TUBES, just the baby. I would never have commented to anyone that he was not pretty.
2 weeks after my section I could not have gone getting on trains and sitting is hospital chairs all day, I rested horizontally (ok I was feeding as my baby was term) but could absolutely not have sat for hours in a hospital chair.
Different people react to different things in different ways, just because she is not doing the same as you did with a prem baby does not mean that she is wrong, unfeeling, or a bad mother.
If she wants to make sure that she is recovered from her section in time to look after baby well when he is home, then thats her choice.
'the hospital staff do not encourage her to stay longer' no because they know that everyone is different.
YAB very U.

Of course I'm not being crass. My own baby was just the same, only half the weight and battered and bruised due to forceps! He was beautiful to me of course, but I knew friends and family found the pics shocking and distressing, which is why I didn't push them under their noses. I was so distressed at the time that pictures and videos hardly seemed important compared to being there with me child. That was my gut instinct and I went with it. I would have found it crass to be running around with photos and not seeing my baby, but as people keep saying EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT, so surely I am entitled to feel like that.

What is quite ironic about some of the responses is the accusations of me being judgemental. But there is a lot of judgement being cast on me for trying to make a sense of a situation which initially didn't make sense to me (and know, thanks to the posters here, I think it does).

I now know from the posts here that perhaps it isn't strange. I am beginning to think that my experience of SCBU was very unique...and very special. I couldn't have felt more involved - and that was down to the staff not me - which, for me, made a traumatic experience easier to deal with.

My ds was as I said before prem, not very prem but prem (he was 27 weeks) he was ventilated on full o2 for four weeks and kept in a coma like state for those four weeks, yes I did visit every day he was in hospital except for the day I had a carpet fitted. My DH didn't he was scared of getting to close in case he died, he hasn't ever felt guilty for that and I have never in any way felt anything other than understanding and a little sadness for dh as he missed that time BUT he did what was best for HIM. We wasn't allowed to hold our baby for those four weeks, as he was so ill and in fact we couldn't hold him until he was on CPAP(at 4 weeks). You did what was best for you, and I stand by what I said that your relative has to do what is best for her, not her baby but HER. The baby will be fully cared for by the nurses, yes it would be nice if she could be there but as I said before she might have PND. Oh and by the way, as I said, I was there every day and fully involved in his care, but I still got PND.
Correct me if I am wrong but when ds was in hospital 26 weeks or below was classed as very prem 26 weeks to 32 is prem, 32+ is early. But that was 8 years ago maybe things have changed now.

No - pre 28 is now extremely prem. 28-32 very prem, 32-24 moderately prem and so on. But as I'm sure you found out, the gestation isn't always a reliable indicator - a 25 weeker steamed ahead of my son - equally a 31 weeker had a much more difficult time than my son. There are so many different factors at play. And since we are talking a lot about every situation being different it would surely be foolhardy to suggest the the later the gestation, the easier it is for mum and bebe.

I didn't suggest the later the gestation makes it easier for the mam or baby.
I did say that you can't project your version of parenting on your relative, the bottom line is know two parents are the same and even when you have two or more Children, you with the best will in the world still do not parent the same with each child, you temper your parenting skills to each child. I do think that you are at most being very idealistic and at worst being judgemental. Sorry you aren't going to like that ... but this is a website which allows freedom of expression. sorry

...so therefore it must follow that if it is fine for a woman to parent how she feels fit it is also 'fine' for another woman question what she is doing.

That is surely freedom of speech...?

I'm going to duck out of this thread now and try and ignore any further insults which come my way.

Thanks to those who told their stories and recognised my post for what it really was - a way of working through some difficult feelings (and rather brave, I thought, for a first post !!)

It has helped me an awful lot.

Thanks again

BF74

Normally I would agree with you that it is fine to question anothers parenting skills, but you wasn't questioning really, was you?

I do think it was a very brave first post though, and I hope you didn't feel I was insulting you, still I am suprised that the NHS has redifened what very prem is! Who knew they would do that!

Babyface, I think it is totally understandable for you to question your relative doing the opposite of what you considered the 'norm'. I don't think you were being particularly judgmental and I think you've unnecessarily been given quite a hard time. I hope our stories have helped you understand your relative a bit better (I know it helped me, I thought I was the only person who found it so awful) and maybe even made you feel able to help her, it could be a great excuse for getting over whatever problems there were between you before this happened.
Good Luck to her and the baby.

does no-one remember the way that poster was jumped on for leaving her baby in scbu and going off to the caribian?

People seemed too think it was ok to judge that particular poster and yet the op is not allowed an opinion on this?

A very interesting thread which illustrates so well the diversity of reactions and emotions of people.

Who can say that someone's feeling or point of view is wrong because it doesn't match yours or what you percieve to be the right one?

I did find this
'there was only one mum who only visited briefly each day. When she did, she was shackled to a prison guard!'
rather upsetting.

Maybe that mum would have loved to be with her baby all the time.

I have never been in thsi situation ie a prem baby in special care. i have been in a similar sitaution, of sitting daily at the hospital bedside of a very very sick child

I only commented on this thread because i thought teh OP was getting a bit of a hard time when she was just trying to work things out, why she was feeling teh way she was and how best to suport her relative. i dont think she was judging her - her Op mentioned that her relative coudl be frightened or have PND and that she didnt want to upset her

But i just wanted to say that found it very helpful/interetsting to hear from those of you who have had a baby in SCBU and i wanted to thank you for sharing your stories. i find its one of the best things about MN - getting a little insight into other parenst lives and the different challenges we all have to face

Hi, just been reading through this thread and reading the responses and some of the contributers have been absolutely marvellous Lorayn for one.

Lorayn laid herself bare and was so honest about her views and her own feelings not just on this subject but her feeling towards her dd, I for one found myself agreeing with her and knowing exactly what she is/has been going through.

Her response reaches out to everyone and shows vunerability and empathy towards the person posting.

What I dont find helpful are really negative comments mentioning no names Madamez.

If you havent got anything nice to say or constructive why bother?

We all have our views on how to bring up kids and usually find fault with how our friends bring up their kids cause we are better than they are!!Cause WE know best!!

From what I've read, the poor relative not visiting because she had a prem baby, prob has a bit of PND, trauma, shock(who wouldn't after what she's been through) and babyface finds it difficult to mention this to her because she is her relative and finds it difficult telling her she's not being a good parent.Also, can you imagine if it backfired, easy to distance yourself from friends but more difficult when its a relative.

Babyface comes across as a good egg to me and can see things going a bit pete tong long-term re the bonding thing if the relative doesn't visit more regularly.

Yes maybe she is comparing her response to her own prem birth but who wouldn't?

babyface: "... I knew some people would find it distressing to see a scrap of a thing looking like that".

I agree. My SIL did not want to come to visit me/dd in NICU/SCBU because she did not want to be upset by the sight of other (dd as well maybe?) poorly babies. I know these babies are not pretty (in the conventional way) but I felt very hurt that some people put their own sensitivities about others' much worse heartache.

You were just making a statement of fact.

My exDP's cousin was the same, he came to the hospital every day, and stayed for hours, taking me anywhere I wanted to go in my wheelchair, but never once stepped inside SCBU.