A close relative of mine. not visiting baby in SCBU

[Babyface74]

Hi everyone - this is my first post, so I hope I've posted in the right section.

A close relative of mine had a baby 2 weeks okay at 31 weeks. The baby was in distress so she had a c-section. All things considered, the baby is in good shape, but is intensive care on a ventilator.

The problem is (I think) that said relative She doesn?t seem too bothered about visiting her baby who is in intensive care. She is all brandishing photos around and asking us to go up to her house to watch videos of him (?!) but is spending only about an hour or two there a day (in the evenings) despite having all manner of people around who would be more than happy to organise a lift rota (myself included). The hospital is a 10/15 min drive away.

Okay she?s had a c-section but it?s been over 2 weeks now. During the day, she has done the following instead of see her new baby:visited a friend who?d just had a perfectly healthy baby and I?m sure would have understood if she hadn?t visited, gone into work to shop off her baby pics (not pretty as baby is all tubes and wires), lunch with relatives, numerous trips to our local shopping centre, coffees with friends and relatives, the hairdressers.

Today I have offered her a lift there and back to the hospital, but she has declined, saying she will go with her husband this evening. How she can sit at home all day when her baby is lying on his own in hospital escapes me.

Having had a very prem baby myself (28 weeks) I feel very close to the issue. I spent every single day with my son during his 12 week stay in SCBU. I commuted 30 miles into London every day to do so because I didn't want to stay in hospital digs (she was also offered a room in the hospital, which is much closer to home).

She has said to me ? I don?t know how you did it, travelling up to London on the train every day. I?m so tired.? I replied honestly that ?I just wanted to be with my baby as much as a possibly could. I wouldn?t have had it any other way.? Every other mum I met was exactly the same ? spending as much time as they could. From my point of view, if she's got the energy to walk around a shopping centre, she should have the energy to sit next to her baby's bed in hospital!

I feel very wound up about it. She seems to think it?s some kind of holiday, that the hospital is some kind of baby hotel! She only wants the nice bits. I actually feel it?s quite neglectful. And I can?t believe hospital staff aren?t encouraging her to be there more. She tells me they have told her she ?needs to rest? but it?s not that taxing sitting in a hospital chair, is it? If I hadn't been there every single day, caring for my baby as much as I could, I just KNOW the nurses would have been on at me (albeit gently) to do so.

She needs to bond and, if she wants to start breastfeeding him, which she says she does, she needs to start trying.

She is quite a selfish person, so in some ways I'm not surprised. But then again, the only thing she has ever really wanted in life is a baby, so I'm puzzled by her no-show.

I guess it could be that she is frightened of something or maybe has the beginnigs of PND?

I have tried to hint, but I know I can't say anything outright because she is an in-law and, anyway, she has just given birth and I don't want to upset her.

But I do think she is being a bit neglectful and can't believe another family member hasn't encouraged her to visit more.

Would appreciate any thoughts/insights on this.

Obvioulsy you have issues due to your own experience, and you might perhaps benefit from some sort of counselling over this. As to your close relative, I think you should consider minding your own business. You obviously dislike her and (even though I appreciate that you have suffered in the past) telling everyone what a selfish bitch she is (and what a saintly self-sacrificing mother you are in comparison) is frankly rather distasteful.

p.s. Sorry I have just reread your post and seen the bit about the OD. So sorry about that.

Erm Madamez..I can't really see how I am telling everyone what a selfish bitch she is when I am posting anonymously on a message board to a group of people who don't know her or anyone involved.

Posting on her was about letting off steam and trying to gain some perspective so I don't upset her.

True, I am not keen on her, not least due to the lack of support and insensivity when I was in a similar boat, but I am not malicious.

If I was, I wouldn't be posting on here. I'd be saying it to her face.

no problem,
and I acted as if everything was just fine and dandy, in my head I suppose if I acted like it was, then it was.
I dont think I even cried, and I remember looking at DD as if she was a lizard or something, a 'why on earth would i be interested in that' type reaction.

That's helpful to know Lorayn. Thank you.

You could be the difference between her ending up like I did and coping like you did, just give her time.
And try not to judge, although I understand it's hard.

Give her time, babyface. It is her first child, right?

I had an em cs with my first who ended up in NICU/SCBU. I did not want to even visit dd for 24 hours - was in too much pain and shock at the birth. Then turned up in a wheelchair and was scared to hold her - had to be encouraged to. If your friend's baby is in a ventilator, it would be even more difficult to hold him.

I never went home, but if I did, I imagine I might not come back too much as I would have felt quite useless and that baby was in the hands of professionals.

I think your friend just needs encouragement to spend more time with her ds. The more time, the better the bonding She needs to know that she does make a difference to that little baby in the ventilator.

I know Blueshoes. I was afraid to see my son at first - he wasn't even 2 pounds and in a terrible state after a forceps delivery, but my mum persuaded me. She really needs someone like my mum around to encourage her, but unfortunately, she is surrounded by people who are quite passive and just accept it every time she says 'they've told me I need to rest...' I do think a bit of gentle encouragement from the right person might help.

I am frustrated the hospital staff don't seem to be doing more to encourage here.

Hi, haven't read all this thread but my experiences may be relevant.
I had my 1st DS at 26 weeks..complete surprise and I was only 22yo. He was taken away from me to a hospital about 30 miles away. I did visit everyday, but found it really hard to stay there. I too had a CS so had to wait for DP to take me there after work - which was fine by me. I probably did suffer with PND although it was never diagnosed. This is hard to write about, but I didn't bond with him at all. I loved him, but didn't feel inseperable, after all, he didn't need me, he needed machines and doctors, I couldn't even feed him despite expressing for 16 weeks solid. He struggled with sucking and it got to a point where the express - bottle routine worked for us, until I got soo exhausted it had to stop.

Last year I had my DD at 29yo at 30 weeks. We were expecting her to come early and were pleased with 30 weeks., She was much healthier but the difference was I was prepared. I bonded with her immediately and found it almost impossible to leave her side. A part of me believes that this is why she came home so quick and why she was sooo much healthier.

Looking back it kills me that DS spent so much time alone, but that was the only way I could make it work. It's what happened and I can't change it. It wasn't the best thing for him, but forcing me to stay there all day would have probably made me much more depressed for far longer. I love him incredibly and we now have such a strong bond its hard to imagine I ever had those feelings. He'll always be my special one!

I guess what I'm saying is don't stress it. Everyone deals with this incredibly scary and traumatic experience differently, who's to say what is right?

I would feel the same as you Babyface. Do you have somone (dh/dp?) you can talk to to get the feelings out iykwim. I don't think you can do anythihg except stand back and watch, but I would feel the same as you and I would need to discreetly bend someone's ear about it!

Thanks for posting Katy - again a really helpful insight.

I think what I'm drawing from this is that I need to separate her previous behaviour from this traumatic event.

I think I'm tending to assume is that because she is generally quite a selfish person, her reaction to this event is just an extension of her 'normal' self. But reading many of these posts, I see I may be very wrong.

Thanks for your support Gess. I do need to be careful about the 'blood's thicker then water' issue from my dh, so I can't talk as freely as I'd like. That's why it's been helpful to spew forth on this thread and see what people have to say.

OK now I've read the whole post! Yes lorayn, I so get what your saying. I find it impossible to even look as DSs early 'skinned rabbit' (helpful relative comment) pictures, whereas I just don't feel the same about DD. They were both early and sick, but looking back I just don't remember the trauma with DD although that was just a year ago but I remember every medical detail about DS 7 years ago. All I remember with DD is overwhelming love, which I guess is what its meant to be like.
I'm lucky in that I can see it now and therefore am equipped to make sure the DS never understands these differences. I wonder if maybe you could get in touch with an organisation like Bliss? The key for me was that I needed to feel like an ordinary parent, I think parents of children in SCBU or NICU miss out so much on that warm post natal period where smiley relatives bring you chocolates and flowers, instead you get the gifts and worried faces. No-one can force a reaction out of her, she'll do it her way and that wll be right for her, the very best you can do for mum and baby is be there and available.

Ds3 was born at 32 weeks and I have to say, for the first few days, hospital staff in NICU really made me feel fairly useless. Nobody had explained to me that there were certain times he would be fed or directed me to the chart on the wall which listed all the babies' routines. So I would arrive up and a nurse would say "Oh, I've just fed him" It was my milk but I still felt fairly useless. Also, I didn't know ds3 was "allowed" out of the incubator so didn't ask to hold him. If I touched him on the back, he flinched in apparent terror. (It was dh who pointed out that he didn't mind having his hand held) Also, the doctors had meetings in the ward for which parents couldn't be present in case we overheard them discussing someone else's child. It took quite a while before I got the hang of the whole set-up and could actually regard him as being my baby in the way I automatically had with ds1 and ds2.

"I think parents of children in SCBU or NICU miss out so much on that warm post natal period where smiley relatives bring you chocolates and flowers, instead you get the gifts and worried faces."

I totally agree and felt this during my own time with my baby on SCBU.

Could it be, I wonder, if she is trying to create that with her photos and videos.
I have given her a book on preemies which has lots of useful info and contacts for people like Bliss. It was the first thing I did, but I can't really do any more than that.

Re: your comments Chipmonkey - I know what you mean. I have mentioned these kinds of things to her based on my own experience and told her a bit about how I got involved in my son's care and advised her to ask the sister of the ward if she was concerned about anything (I had the odd nurse who would say my son wasn't well enough to be held when the truth was the nurse was inexperienced. The sister always did it straight away.) But I kind of felt it has fallen on deaf ears so i've taken to saying nothing.

My experience wasn't of premature birth, but your thoughts have really taken me back Babyface. My ds was born after a very traumatic labour (3 days!) delivered by Crash CS under GA. I have to say for the first 3 days of his life, I think I was just someone who was suffering post-traumatic stress, more than I was someone who'd just had a baby!

I think the best way I can explain it is that i clung to seeing my DH, my parents and my brother with a PASSION, I was so HAPPY to see them and focussed on them to the exclusion of ds, who slept nearly all the time....I think it was to do with coping with the trauma I'd just been through. I needed to mentally heal by taking comfort from my family, and it was only gradually over some days that I began to be able to turn that love to ds.

Maybe your relative is going through something similar. Obviously the time is going on now but as Lorayn said it can be difficult to bond, surprisingly so. I feel very lucky that within 3 days I was hopelessly in love with my child, it doesn't happen for some people and it can be quite a blight on life. My SIL had a similar delivery to mine and I know it has affected her bond with her dd, who is now 7

So I agree with Lorayn, be as supportive as you can of her. I hope all goes well soon.

Were you able to admit you hadn't bonded at the time ladies?

I have a feeling that, if this is the case, my relative would rather die than admit it, which is unlikely to help.

Babyf, my SIL was the same; there is no way she would have admitted to herself that anything was less than perfect. i think the first time she mentioned to me that she felt her bond with her dd was a problem was about four YEARS later

Babyface: what makes you think you know better than the healthcare professionals looking after your relative's baby - and, by the sound of it, the rest of her family and friends? The hospital staff are telling her to rest, her family are telling her to do whatever she needs to do - and you are trying to find ways of coercing her into behaviing in the way that you think appropriate. You are of course entitled to rant on internet forums as much as you like, but I really think that you should leave this woman alone to cope with her situation in the way that suits her. She doesn't owe you anything and your opinion of her is not relevant to her situation.

maybe it's PND, maybe she just won't feel like her baby is really hers until the baby is at home with her. I wouldn't worry too much about bonding right now - not everyone does bond immediately, if it takes a few months rather than a few days, I don't think that's necessarily vworrying.

Madamez - your comments are unhelpful- in the circumstances - rather spiteful.

madameZ - leave her alone! she is just trying to work out her own feelings. surely thats better than causing hurt to her relative or upsetting her DH???

babyface I still find it hard to admit that my DD and I dont have the same relationship as myself and DS, DD is now seven, it brings tears to my eyes when I think about it.
She is unlikely to tell you that she feels that way or even know herself how she is feeling.
I dont know what to suggest, maybe you could offer to go with her? But dont try and force her into something she isnt ready for.

When my youngest spent 2 weeks in intensive care as a new born, I only visited for a couple of hours a day, usually in the evening

I had bonded but there wasn't much I could do, couldn't hold her or feed her to start with.

I don't regret it, I was better off at home with my others and healing after c/s