Bf has problems with food

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I'm in a long distance relationship with my bf but he's been staying at mine during lockdown and we've been together around 18 months. We get along great and have so much in common but there's something that's really bothering me now and no amount of talking about it or me being annoyed about it helps. He has some sort of food addiction and used to be really overweight but he had a gastric band fitted a few years ago. However, instead of doing things properly and eating small amounts slowly he'll eat anything and everything and because it won't go down to his stomach through the band it'll come back up so in effect he's bulimic. We've spoken about this and he's been to the GP for help about it but atm nothing is going ahead and there was a huge waiting list even before covid hit us.

So yesterday we went out for a drive and I popped into Tesco to get some sandwiches which I didn't end up eating so I put them in the fridge to take to work tonight. I wake up today and happen to notice the empty pack of sandwiches in the bin. I asked him about it and said I'd wanted to take them to work tonight - he said 'well you didn't tell me that'. I didn't realise I had to tell someone not to eat something of mine. This sort of stuff happens all the time when he's at mine and he's always eating loads of my food and not replacing it which I find extremely frustrating because I don't have a huge amount of money from trying to pay off debts and living on my own and paying all the bills. I make a decent living but he makes almost double what I make and lives with his parents so doesn't have a lot of outgoings but when I make a fuss about the food thing he gets defensive and doesn't seem to get how much it bothers me. AIBU to feel this way or am I overreacting?

i think its best he clears off back to his own place so you can get some space between you then dump him, his food problem isnt going to go away and will always be the bugbear between you

This is a mental health issue and will only be helped with appropriate intervention, a gastric band will manage some of the symptoms but not the cause or behaviours

Yes this is bulimic, purging of any kind - laxatives, vomiting, not taking insulin is all bulimia.

It's incredibly difficult for both of you. I know, I've had bulimia. What you have to know is that he isn't doing it to annoy you or take your things, he isn't doing it because he thinks he's ok. He is doing it because he compulsively feels like he can't stop. It's like being drunk on food.

Not much can help him except counselling, but while that's unavailable try ordering some Bulimia recovery work books from Amazon for him.

You also need to discuss money. While he won't always have the ability to stop himself eating your food he very much should be reimbursing you every time he does. He's addicted to food, not being cheap.

Get him to buy the work books, promise counselling and agree to pay for what he eats.hes feeling defensive because he knows he's out of control. So try and approach it sympathetically.

It's not easy, I know, bulimia is a selfish disease.

Send him out to do a big food shop when he’s at yours?

I’d end the relationship.

Partly because of the disorder (which goes a lot deeper than eating) but mostly because he’s taking food that is for you without asking and not replacing all the food he’s eating. That’s selfish and miserly.

Coriander, that's a great insight into it so I thank you for that, problem is I'm a very matter of fact person and I just struggle to discuss these things without coming across as a cow and him getting defensive. I don't want things to end between us but I can't help but feel he's not respecting me when he eats so much of my food and doesn't replace it and I don't want to be the person who starts making a list of what he's eaten and nagging him to replace it

Is he contributing towards bills and food when he's at yours?

He is unlikely to be cured. He maybe able to manage his symptoms for a number of years but it's more of a marathon than a sprint.
Those around him will be affected by his choices too.
If you choose to continue the relationship then you need to assume that he will always risk relapse meaning that you will have more than the odd sandwich being eaten.

If you’re living together then my food and his food is a very weird way of looking at it. There’s just food.

If he’s eating a lot then he needs to be buying his share.

It’s a bit of a strange dynamic to have separate foods when you live together. Yes, obviously there might be things that are purchased for a specific person/ time, like your work sandwich, but you sound as if all your foods and meals are separate?

Regardless you don’t sound very happy in the relationship and I imagine a lot of people are in a similar position to this and will break up soon. Is there a reason he can’t go home now?

If you have emotional reasons for overeating all the surgery does is push you down another path. The surgery stops you overeating but doesn't take away the need to do it. In the case of the person I know it made stuff worse because they lost the one thing that made them better.

If you want to work things out with him, a first step must be that he pays a fair contribution towards food and bills when at your place.

The eating disorder is a difficult one. Been there, done that, got the T shirt. Do you think he would leave food alone if it was labelled "for OPs work lunch tonight" or would he take it anyway?

It's not a case of my food and his but if I buy a pack of sandwiches or something similar I don't expect him to eat them, the same as I wouldn't eat something he'd specifically picked up. He doesn't contribute towards the bills and I don't expect him to but we sort of go half and half on the food atm, when we go shopping I'll pay some days and he'll pay other days. I am happy with him in general but this stuff is getting me down but I will have a talk with him once my run of shifts is over in a few days and see how it goes.

What I find doesn't help is that because I'm a nurse, the act of purging/vomiting doesn't physically bother me because I see it day in day out so sometimes I wonder if I'm accidentally enabling it because he only purges in front of me and his family, nobody else, so I wonder if I'm bad for him sometimes

I foresee a lifetime of problems. Cut your losses.

Sorry I missed some answers - there's no reason he couldn't go home but I don't want him to, I'd rather discuss it first and try to work through it.

If I had labelled something as not to eat or if I told
him not to eat it he wouldn't to be fair but if he wanted them he should have asked first. I think under normal circumstances it wouldn't be so bad but it's because it's a constant thing when he's here it's getting to me more and more

Aw this is quite sad.
It’s like the gastric band has made the weight fall off but hasn’t changed his underlying issue with food and behaviour in terms of compulsive eating.
And also seems like he’s normalised it to himself.
His weight might not be too affected but must be other effects surely like on his teeth?
And what about being intimate/kissing? Must be very off putting if someone has recently vomited?

Sounds like a sad situation but he’s got to want to sort it and get help.
Sounds like he has some spare funds so could he not see a therapist specialising in disordered eating?
But does he actually want to change, that’s the question

I guess if you want to keep living with him in the meantime it would be kinder to hide food that isn’t intended for him

Because he can’t control himself around it

I dump him tbh. Not going to get any better. If it’s a addiction like drugs or alcohol you’re into a lifetime of it.

Of course I should point out that this is anecdotal from my experience and he could very well be different. EDs are sneaky beasts

Please do not internalise his problem OP. It's not because you're a nurse and ok with him vomiting that makes him do it nor are you enabling him. He probably doesn't realise you all see it as as much of an issue as him. Does he admit he's bulimic? As hiding behind 'but it was the band' would be problematic.

None of this is or will ever be your fault though.

@diddlysquat funnily enough I was bulimic for 8 years and have never even had a cavity (which I believe is very unusual).

OP there's a YouTuber, I forget her name, who has had most of her teeth fall out because of it and she talks about her experiences. That might shock it out of him a bit if he's image conscious?

Did he not have counselling when he had the gastric band fitted? All the people I know with the band, had to have counselling to go through their underlying issue with food.

I'd be asking him to contribute and not take food. I don't know about the purging in front of you? It sounds like he's doing it for attention?

Well it won't shock him out of it but he may be willing to listen is what I mean