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Original poster

I think dd is gay

31 replies

duckeggs · 18/06/2020 14:18

Dd has been spending a lot of time out of the house recently and i found out that she had taken a train without telling me because i found the ticket in her room. I wouldn't normally check her phone but i was worried about the possibility of grooming so i checked it while she was asleep. From what i can tell her and a girl have been spending a lot of time together but are not dating. It seems like they are sleeping together but are a little bit in denial and are arguing . I'm worried that dd feels she cant have a relationship as she would have to admit to herself she was actually gay :( We live in a fairly conservative are and dd is very popular in her catholic school. I would love to reassure her but i don't want to tell her i know because she doesn't seem at all ready to be 'out' . I know it seems naive but i hoped that it would be easier for this generation to be themselves but it seems like homophobia is still everywhere

OP posts:
Tink2007 · 18/06/2020 14:21

How old is your DD?

ErickBroch · 18/06/2020 14:21

Drop hints here and there about any gay couples you may know, or any storylines on tv or film, just to make her realise that you are supportive etc of LGBT relationships. She might just not be ready to tell you.

My cousin was scared to come out, even though we all thought so, so my uncle started asking if she was dating anyone etc but never said 'boy' - kept it gender neutral so the implication wasn't there. She told him 6 months later watching a tv show together with a lesbian couple plot.

Glowcat · 18/06/2020 14:22

Are you a practicing Catholic?

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 18/06/2020 14:23

What age is your dd? I don't think there's much you can do other than to wait for her to talk to you about it (if she wants to).

Original poster
duckeggs · 18/06/2020 14:23

@Tink2007 dd is 16

OP posts:
ohoneohtwo · 18/06/2020 14:25

It's more likely to be her hiding what she is doing because it goes against Covid guidelines than that she is hiding she is gay. I mean she might be gay but she isn't going to tell you she is regularly meeting up with someone if she shouldn't be. You mention you thought she might be getting groomed, how old is she? Where has she told you she is going?

Bunnymumy · 18/06/2020 14:35

I think she has a bigger problem in that she is 16 and yet her mother still snoops through her phone.

Leave her be. She'll figure it out. Maybe she was just experimenting and isnt gay. Maybe she is and isnt ready to come out yet. Or maybe those texts are strategically placed for her nosey mother to find xD

Or maybe you misinterpreted them entirely.

The fact is with covid, she shouldnt be going round to someone else's place atm anyway though.

laudete · 18/06/2020 14:41

I agree with ohoneohtwo; it seems likely that she is actually hiding that she's been breaking lockdown. You sound like a nice mom, so I'd guess a teen would be more worried about getting told off for breaking lockdown than about telling you she's dating someone. x

DestinationFkd · 18/06/2020 14:42

Leave it alone OP. She will tell you when she is good and ready. She may not even be sure herself yet.
She may be simply experimenting at the moment.
Or, you may be reading more into it than what it actually is.
If she has a preference for her own sex then she will tell you when she feels comfortable with herself and her preferences.
Leave it alone until she's ready.

SimonJT · 18/06/2020 14:46

Its a very tricky one. You could drop things in, like the support pride is giving BLM in place of usual celebrations etc.

But remember it isn’t to make her to come out if she is gay, its to let her know that being gay is no different than being straight. So don’t expect any disclosures.

jumpinginthepvol · 18/06/2020 14:49

Does your DD know you would be ok with it? That may be her fear.

I wouldn't do anything about it if I were you but maybe every now and then say something supporting. If you're watching a movie and theres a gay couple comment that you think they're a great couple. If there's an article about a pride parade being cancelled due to COVID you could mention that in passing its a shame it had to be cancelled. If you haven't brought it up in the past your DD may not know where you stand.

Original poster
duckeggs · 18/06/2020 14:51

Sorry I should probably add that by out of the house i mean on walks etc rather then seeing friends.I will leave her be and will drop hints to make sure she knows I support.

OP posts:
ohoneohtwo · 18/06/2020 14:59

How do you get to having a 16 year old without having ever discussed this before?

My kids have always known being gay is no issue

WhatTiggersDoBest · 18/06/2020 15:07

"But I'm a cheerleader" is on Netflix. As soon as she comes out, a mum/daughter movie night might be in order. Grin
If she feels like she's in an environment where she has to keep this a secret, I wouldn't drop hints about what I suspected or she might become more secretive.

Macncheeseballs · 18/06/2020 15:11

From my experience this generation is finding it easier 'to be themselves' than our generation ever did and I do not believe 'homophobia is everywhere'

Sunshineandflipflops · 18/06/2020 15:40

Op, my daughter is gay (14). Both of my kids have grown up knowing that I am an LGBT ally and that we have LGBT members of our family on both mine and their dad's side. There was never really a 'coming out' from her as it really wasn't necessary. She has always known it's as ok to have a girlfriend as it is a boyfriend so her girlfriend was just brought up as any other friend would be.

We went to two local Pride events together last year and she absolutely loved them. Perhaps you could suggest something like that (when allowed of course)? Or as other have said, make sure she sees and hears that you are an ally and that you are ready for her to talk to you if and when she wants to.

Abbazed · 19/06/2020 17:30

And?

Shinebright72 · 19/06/2020 17:35

Good for you OP if you think you needed to check her phone for her own safety you did right although don’t let her know you looked through her phone!! She may feel she can’t trust you

Just wait and observe the situation.

CoRhona · 19/06/2020 17:51

I know an 11 year old who told her parents she was bisexual, years and years before there was any sexual activity.

The parents were very worried she was making herself a target but she was adamant she had nothing to be concerned about and that if there was an issue, it would be other people's and not hers.

Maybe our generation worries more?

Almostfifty · 19/06/2020 18:28

My DS didn't tell us he was gay until he was in a relationship in his earlytwenties. We'd always wondered, but he told us (eventually) that he knew it wouldn't be a problem for us, so never thought to tell us.

Macncheeseballs · 19/06/2020 18:33

Corhona - I would have thought alot people if not most, know what sexuality they are 'years before any sexual activity'

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 19/06/2020 18:42

You didnt just 'check' her phone. You scooped and read intimate details of a private conversation your 16 year old was having with her fwb about their sex life.

That's beyond out of order.

If she doesn't know you're an LGBT supporter then clearly you've not had the important conversations.

Your so far in the wrong here its unbelievable.

Fairenuff · 19/06/2020 18:53

How are they sleeping together and staying 2m apart?

Straycatstrut · 19/06/2020 19:02

I'd most definitely wait until she's ready to talk to you. I was the same as her at that age and "experimenting". I had more girlfriends than boyfriends and there is no way I'd have felt comfortable discussing it with my parents - we just didn't have that kind of relationship, although I knew they weren't homophobic, they just accepted everyone for who they were.... talking to your parents about it is really, really tough. Even if you're close. Let her know you're there for her if she wants to talk relationships etc, you know how hard it can be at her age.... but just be prepared to be patient for her.