Mil made me feel rubbish.

[BeeB29]

Recently visited the in laws (social distanced in their garden).

Chatting about different things and covid and how anxious it makes me - she knows I suffer from major anxiety about health and different things.

She proceeded to tell me that that it seems a lot of the younger people who have sadly died of covid were overweight and told me I should watch my weight. I know that weight has been added as a risk factor for serious complications but aibu to think this just rude and unthoughtful when she knows how anxious I am?!

I’m the first to admit I’m overweight. I’m not in denial. But I wouldn’t say I’m massively overweight. I’m quite tall and a curvy size 18. Losing weight will make me healthier of course but I’m generally healthy, I’m very rarely poorly, no health issues, I eat too much but I do exercise! Although I’ve eaten like a pig some days during lockdown I’ve not put on a pound because I’ve been so active!

I already knew that weight was added a risk factor I didn’t really need her reminding me which made made feel very anxious about it all.

She’s not exactly skinny herself. I would say she’s the same size around but quite a bit shorter than me so probably weighs a few stone less!

It’s made me over anxious that if I was to catch is become seriously ill.

Not sure what the point of this post is but I just feel so low and anxious!

OP, when I was in my teens I had really bad acne. It was soul destroying. So imagine how welcome it was when my own grandmother said "Your skin is really bad, isn't it?"

"Yes, thank you for that. I had never noticed before, but now you mention it, I shall fix that immediately, because it really is that easy. Thank you."

I just nodded. And judged her on that nasty comment.

Don't get me wrong. I loved her, but she did say hurtful things from time to time. She would tell my mum she'd put weight on, despite having been bigger herself. I suppose no one ever pulled her up on it, so it seemed she had a golden ticket to just say whatever popped into her head. But you're right to say it's offensive - it is! It just boils down to whether you're happy upsetting other people or not, but if you are, you can expect to be judged for it.

Just because it's the average size it doesn't mean it's healthy or acceptable.

Case in point.

Acceptable? But you think comments like that are fine? Wow.

@2007Millie I’m not in denial. I am very very aware that I need to lose weight. Last year I was actually a size 22.. I’ve lost weight and stayed the same weight for a while.. I have barely any fat on my legs and arms and no breasts (barely a b cup). In fact they are quite slim. I have a round tummy that needs a size 18 to fit comfortably since having children. I’ve always weighed more than I look. Even when I was a size 10 my bmi put me in the overweight catergory.

This really wasn’t the point of the post. The point was mil was rude when she is overweight herself and made me feel like crap.

Only you know whether it was a dig or concern. Because you were talking about covid and you are obese, posters are going to lean towards concern. If you were normal weight and were not discussing covid then it would be a definite dig. Its hard to know when it is written. I dont believe in commenting to people about their appearance in general because they have a mirror.

Sounds like she’s habitually rude and critical and her comments aren’t limited to your weight so you don’t need to give them further headspace.

As to BMI being wrong and 16 being the average size - BMI is absolutely fine unless you’re a weightlifter, and most U.K. adults are overweight so the average dress size will reflect that.

You describe yourself as fit and healthy which is great and at a healthy weight you’ll be even fitter. If you don’t want to lose any more weight then obviously don’t, but if you were overweight at a size 10 you know you must be much heavier at an 18.

@AnneLovesGilbert. Absolutely! I will lose more weight but I’ve came to a stand still for now. I’m glad I haven’t put any on during lockdown though. Must be all the walking we’ve been doing but I need to eat healthier regardless. I will get there. I’ve been having a tough time lately. Lost a family member just before lockdown (not to covid), also lost a friend, my partners been working throughout and I’ve been home grieving without my family around with two children with sen which is physically and emotionally draining. Mil likes to give a tough time! 🥺

You’re obviously dealing with a lot, my condolences for your loss

Wrangling children during lockdown is exhausting, i can’t imagine the extra stress of SEN on top of it. Focus on getting through the days one at a time. Now is not the time for dealing with wankers who make you feel like shit. Leave MIL to her own devices for now - maybe in general, she sounds like a piece of work!

Thank you @AnneLovesGilbert 🌸 It’s tough for everyone right now, not just me and I know that. I shouldn’t moan but I feel exhausted!

Thankfully we don’t see mil too often! Funnily enough she always makes the comments when my partner isn’t listening or occupied elsewhere! It’s an ongoing problem. I think I just took this one to heart more knowing I have to lose weight but feel I’ve hit a brick wall with it!

I think op to loose weight you need to be in the right frame of mind.

If you look at the wording you use it’s all about downplaying it, how you’re healthy, active, not that over weight, just one size above the average, bmi isn’t accurate etc, and always how you “need” to loose weight, not that you “want to”

That’s why you’ve hit a brick wall. Right now you don’t want to loose weight. And are working hard to explain why your current weight is fine, and are clearly very sensitive to it being mentioned, hence your issue with your mil mentioning you need to watch it.

It’s fine not to wish to do it, you don’t actually “need” to loose weight, it’s your body and you can be any weight you wish.

Age and weight are huge factors. My friend and her husband caught it. My friend, bad case of Flu, her overweight over 40 husband, pneumonia & hospitalized. Thankfully both recovered.

Does your partner know what she says to you behind his back? If so, why isn’t he supporting you and telling MIL to stop being so rude and insulting to you? If he doesn’t know, I think you should tell him. Even normally confident people can have their self esteem and confidence shaken by bereavement. He needs to know what she has been criticizing about, it’s bullying. Why is it any of her business what food you choose to buy or car you drive? And do you want such and unpleasant woman around the children?

Can you stop seeing her? Send your partner and the children and say you want some peace at home.

I get it OP. If you've already lost stacks of weight, then she really didn't need to say anything, did she. And in the circumstances, you've got enough going on as it is. What does your DP think, did you tell him?

It is rude OP but maybe she meant well. I'm guessing she can't be very old considering you're in your 20s so you should have, as other posters suggested, asked her if she was worried about her own weight seeing as she's heavy and older.

If so, why isn’t he supporting you and telling MIL to stop being so rude and insulting to you

I think it’s subjective on whether it’s rude when during a convo on Covid to say to someone weight is a factor so you need to watch it, but I don’t think it’s insulting.

I get for many people the simple mention of weight is rude, so agree it’s subjective but I don’t think you could argue it’s insulting. That’s sensitivity gone nuts.

Sorry but YANBU, going by your OP I think she meant well.