Mil made me feel rubbish.

[BeeB29]

Recently visited the in laws (social distanced in their garden).

Chatting about different things and covid and how anxious it makes me - she knows I suffer from major anxiety about health and different things.

She proceeded to tell me that that it seems a lot of the younger people who have sadly died of covid were overweight and told me I should watch my weight. I know that weight has been added as a risk factor for serious complications but aibu to think this just rude and unthoughtful when she knows how anxious I am?!

I’m the first to admit I’m overweight. I’m not in denial. But I wouldn’t say I’m massively overweight. I’m quite tall and a curvy size 18. Losing weight will make me healthier of course but I’m generally healthy, I’m very rarely poorly, no health issues, I eat too much but I do exercise! Although I’ve eaten like a pig some days during lockdown I’ve not put on a pound because I’ve been so active!

I already knew that weight was added a risk factor I didn’t really need her reminding me which made made feel very anxious about it all.

She’s not exactly skinny herself. I would say she’s the same size around but quite a bit shorter than me so probably weighs a few stone less!

It’s made me over anxious that if I was to catch is become seriously ill.

Not sure what the point of this post is but I just feel so low and anxious!

If she is prone to criticism then maybe think about some prepared responses to ping right back. People in glass houses...
From what you've written she's in no position to pass judgement. Nor cause you anxiety. Nip that in the bud as soon as she lands a comment in future.

OP, your mother in law is a rude cow. While you can always lose weight, I would bet money that she will always be a rude cow.

Don't let her bother you. That's what she was wants. I would simply distance myself a little further from her, that's all.

She is rude. And clueless. You know whether you are overweight or not. Nobody needs to be told. It is never new information. It's only ever imparted in an attempt to shame.

Yes, she was rude and it sounds like it was meant to make you feel bad.

However, your comments about bmi indicate that you are slightly in denial about the fact that you need to lose weight. Do it now and it will help you feel more in control of your own health and less anxious.

I'm quite surprised how many posters are telling OP to lose weight. Do you say this to people in real life? Sounds awfully preachy.

she knows I suffer from major anxiety about health and different things
i guess there's not much she can say that won't set off your anxiety....and anything she does say has a high chance of getting taken way too seriously.

The thing you have to realise is that your health anxiety is YOURS. You have to do something about that, rather than expect everyone to tiptoe around it, because it will always control you and how you interact with everyone. You can get therapy which will give you various coping mechanisms and tools to cope with life outside the bubble you have built to cope with your health anxiety.

I'm quite surprised how many posters are telling OP to lose weight

You mean so few? Because what I can see only one poster definitively has.

The op does seem like she’s in a bit of denial, but as a pp said, her anxiety is hers to manage. There is increased risks with obesity and Covid, no way round it. So the mil spoke accurately, whether she did it to wound or not is a different question.

She’s a larger lady too. I wouldn’t dream of saying it to her!

Maybe she should. After all, she said it to you. 🤷‍♀️

Had my own mother still been alive, she would definitely have said the same to me, if not worse (and probably repeatedly). And I wouldn't like it either, but I'd know it came from a place of genuine concern.

Only you can know whether your MiL is genuinely concerned about you or not. I imagine it's possible to be both concerned AND having a dig - killing two birds with one stone, as it were.

I do tend to agree with PP about your comments re BMI.

I think you need to not take heed of her. Instead look at the actual statistics around young women in the U.K. dying or being seriously unwell from Covid19- even if they carry a bit of additional weight.

The majority of 80 year olds survive. Even with co-morbidities.

Far too many people have died but it’s not usually healthy young women. Deal in facts not panic.

There is increased risks with obesity and Covid, no way round it. So the mil spoke accurately...

Yes there are, as there are with numerous other conditions. This isn't news though. We all know about it. As another poster said, no one needs to be told. Saying someone has a big nose may be accurate. I'm fairly sure they wouldn't appreciate you pointing it out for them though.

I understand why you are upset, but size 18 is big!
Maybe you could channel this upset to actually do something about it! 🤔
I am very tall (Over 6’) weeks and size 14. And that’s after putting on nearly a stone during the last three months! (I feel damn chubby!)

If she says it again just say " oh I know I think we need to be careful dont you?" When she says we? Just say "yeah with us both being overweight"

Thanks all. I’ve never denied I’m overweight. I know size 18 is large but I’m sure size 16 is the average in the U.K.? Making me only one size bigger than that. I don’t think I’m a walking heart attack 🤣 I’m young and healthy (in my twenties). I might be overweight, but I don’t smoke or drink very often and I exercise! I’ve never had the flu in my life, haven’t had a cough in about 10 years, never had a chest infection. I’m generally really healthy. I’m aware covid isn’t a typical illness and anyone can be vulnerable to it.

The weight being a risk wasn’t really the point of my post. I know being overweight is a risk factor, I know I need to lose weight covid or not.

My point was how insensitive mil was. She does this with a lot of things and makes me feel crap for days on end. Everything from my parenting, what I spend my money on, where I buy my food, what car I drive. She’s a bleddy nightmare. I felt it wasn’t needed.

She is a larger lady and older so she’s certainly at more risk than me.

After looking at the gov guidelines the risk seems to be for those other a bmi over 40? Is that correct? My bmi admittedly probably is in the low 30’s but definitely not as high as 40.

If your mil is large herself and older she is more at risk than you. Sounds like she's in denial about being big herself.

Risk of getting complications or dying is higher if you are obese bmi 30 or above. One article I read in independent was 33% More chance of dying if bmi over 30, based on a uk hospital survey. Most of uk population is overweight so it scews average sizing. Only you know from how MIL is generally if she is concerned or having a go.

My mil would say something similar, and even though it would sound like an insult, it is always due to concern.

Could she be voicing her concerns about herself in a clumsy way. Lockdown seems to have either caused people to realise that carrying extra weight does have consequences for health even if they are ‘healthy’ and embark on a fitness regime or gone other way and eaten everything in sight and are now looking to lose weight as lockdown eases. Is she wanting to maybe you say you’re joining a slimming club etc and join too.

She sounds about as tactless as my ex MIL she told someone loudly in front of me and shop full of people I was too fat to have a Baby. This was when she knew I was having problems falling pregnant and was at the time meant to be having tests done to see if I needed IVF but told her son my exH that he didn't need to do a sperm sample because it was clearly me who had the problem because non of their family were infertile. I was also about 9-10st at the time so maybe only about half a stone overweight. I never got the tests done because of this and spent 15 years thinking I was the one with the problem. New Partner later and it turns out it isn't me. I can fall Pregnant I just have problems staying pregnant

*A curvy size 18
*
No, you're not curvy, you're fat. Obese. Unhealthy. And putting your future at risk.

Your MIL was tactless but you need to open your eyes and realise that your fat and need to change if you wish to live a longer and healthier life

Well if you were moaning about your anxiety around covid, she is right to point out that you're in the high risk category. You brought it up. If all you wanted is a chat and a moan and you know she's critical, why the hell were you talking to her about it instead of a friend? All my conversations with MIL were minimal and polite, she's Dh's mother not yours.

And exercising does not negate the harmful effects of being obese (you say your bmi is in the low 30s which makes you obese, not overweight). It's about the effect of carrying all that extra weight and fat on your joints, organs, and hormones.

.

'Yes I heard that, and risk also increases with age so you must be at a significant risk. Are you taking any extra precautions MIL?'

This is the sort of thing my mum does - some people just have no filter. You should have said in return that she needs to watch her weight too. Bat it right back. It's the only way with tactless people.

@2007Millie you sound nice 🙄. If you read my original post I’ve never denied that I need to lose weight. Size 18 is big but it isn’t exactly morbidly obese. average size in the U.K. is 16. She and her partner are big too. They eat too much, smoke and drink heavily. Would never dream of being so rude about their health.

I wasn’t moaning about my anxiety @NewName89. First time I’ve seen them in 3 months and I get told I need to lose weight within 10 minutes 😭 We were just generally taking about covid at the time and how my aunts sister (aunt my marriage) had Sadly died of it due to her older age as well as another person I knew (both older people who sadly lost their lives). Saying how sad it was people thinking it was over when it’s far from it. Weight didn’t even come into it until she mentioned it. I don’t talk to anyone Openly about my anxiety but it obvious I have it.

@BeeB29

Just because it's the average size it doesn't mean it's healthy or acceptable.

People eat on average less than 5 portions of fruit/veg a day. Doesn't mean it's good.

You're in denial, that's so very clear