What are the opinions on stoic parenting?

[lovepickledlimes]

Me and partner have decided ttc once the rules and regulations once lockdown rules ease up. I have been doing some research on different parenting styles and came across stoic parenting. I think it sounds very sensible but would love to hear more opinions on this

Your parenting style will probably be based on your personality anyway.
It’s good you’ve found a style that appeals to you as that’s probably what you would naturally do anyway.
I didn’t read any books on parenting and I honestly stressed that I couldn’t do naughty step or time outs. I thought I was doing it all wrong and had to tell people that I was too lazy to put the effort into naughty step.
I was relieved when I realised that my style of parenting was in book too.
Which is a really stupid thing to be relieved about because most of us are doing what suits us best.

I realise that this isn't the point of the thread, but tantrums are generally an expression of loss of emotional control, rather than an attempt to manipulate you.

Absolutely. My 2 year old had the mother of all tantrums last night because I wiped his hands after getting them covered in pasta sauce which for some reason he was not pleased about (and he was probably a bit overtired). He didn’t want anything - I did offer him various things he might like to calm him down but he was still angry and pushing me away because he didn’t want cuddles - I thought he might combust so put him to bed and he eventually calmed down. Then he happily babbled to himself and his teddies for about 40 mins before falling asleep. There was really no manipulative master mind plan behind that episode. Tantrums are rare, he’s fine 95 percent of the time. Kids are random and I don’t think any style can deal with that kind of randomness.

Surely as a montessori teacher you know dealing with kids isnt done by reading a manual, and that kids have very little consistency so you need to take each situation as it comes? I am a teacher (to secondary kids admittedly, but to be honest there is very little difference) and a mom to an 18 month old. I try to be 'stoic'. She threw her first tantum at 9 months, and despite never ever getting something just because she screamed, she still throws tantrums over the randomest of things. Does she follow a rule book? No. Do I, even with my extensive experience with dealing with every type of kid under the sun and implementing behaviour management strategies on a minute by minute basis? Hell no. You have a million hurdles to get over before you think of 'parenting strategies'. To be honest, when its 6am and your kid is throwing a strop, you will be so knackered you wont remember what the overpriced book with a heap of fancy schmancy techniques said.

By the way, 'stoic' parenting is another word for 'what everyone tries to do'. Its common sense.

Why do you need a style??

All my crockery is white. The cutlery is a standard set. No choice to make. But at 64, I still prefer my own cereal bowl and mug. I like a spoon (left over from an ancient service) to eat a boiled egg. I just don't have a tantrum if it's in the dishwasher. It's reasonable to please your small child if it's easy, but unrealistic to cater to a tyrant's whims, and most toddlers have a tyrant phase. They have to learn what they can control and what they have to accept. It was a tedious phase though and it generally stops in the excitement of going to school.

@icedaisy

Hmmm, but a toddlers day can be ruined on whether or not they have pudding. Or the red plate. Or the red plate but not the red plate. Or the biscuit but not once it has a bite out of it.

Secretly, my day can be ruined by all these things...

We had ideas like this before we had The Twins.

I've got 3 children.

I have 3 parenting styles.

You parent the child you get, in the circumstances as they arise.

trained montessori nursery teacher and now free lance baby sitting

Have you need a ‘style’ for this?

I hope they realise screaming till they are blue in the face is not going to make it apear

They do soon learn that, just so long as screaming till they are blue in the face does not make it appear. But some children still scream themselves blue in the face anyway, out of sheer frustration. So if you expect that being consistent will stop the child screaming you may live to be disappointed. Some children handle frustration more calmly than others, older children usually do it better than toddlers but not always, and it's not something you get to decide.

I’m going to need more info. How does a stoic parent react to the fact that a meltdown is occurring because the red plate is in the dishwasher from breakfast and you have served lunch on an unacceptably not red plate?

That's where having a child with autism worked in our favour. If the plate was red, the child was happy. So E worked for us - or rather, making damn sure the plate was always the same no matter what. Bless.

If me sticking to the rule makes me mean though you are eating off the blue plate if not ok their choice but I am not swaping for a red plate same for food. They will not get their way throwing a tantrum

Two of the most useful rules of parenting are "choose your battles" and "don't sweat the small stuff". Trying to be even more rigid than a toddler isn't good parenting. It will turn you into a pair of tantrumming toddlers.

Distraction and letting things go are often more effective.

don't scream or shout more cry to the point I throw up just hearing or reading something sad or panic to the point I don't know what to do in situations out of my control

Oh dear, it sounds as if you have a problem with emotional regulation yourself. Life with children is full of situations you don't control. Children are like emotional amplifiers and you might explode.

OP, I think you need a bit of therapy. I actually mean this kindly. Your head's a bit all over the place.

Oh hell just read some of the comments about not giving into tantrums and not being manipulated by a toddler etc

Lolololololooooool - me laughing my arse off. OMG you will tell your kid to fuck off (under your breathe hopefully) a hundred times a day at some point and you will just give them something to shut them up. It’s just part of parenting!!!!

You may get lucky and have a totally chill child who doesn’t give you shit, but if you get a passionate, super charged, full of spirit little demon like most toddlers then it’s impossible to retain stoic posture at all times.

I love hearing what people with no kids think about kids - cracks me up

@pinkblueberry I agree, though I also think sometimes the tantrum isn’t random at all, we just don’t understand what’s behind it.

I read once an example of tidying away toys leading to a tantrum. It might not be bad behaviour try to force to you into letting them play. It can be emotional distress at just destroying something they really cared about setting up, and had put effort into.

The biggest tantrum my youngest ever had was when she was hungry and I said, “shall we have a little bit of milk then?”. She absolutely lost it. Fortunately, she was a very early talker (and yes, everyone else caught up!). So eventually, as the sobs subsided and the back stopped arching, she said, “I’m hungry, I don’t want a little bit, I want a BIG bit.” Another child without her words would have just seemed to have kicked off for no reason at all.

OP, if you like reading about parenting, check out Alfie Kohn. I think you’ll warm to his ideas that children rarely just misbehave.

So just normal parenting then .... first of all, get over yourself with the fancy names .... then you’ll be just fine.

I’m with @mynameiscalypso on this. It all sounds quite repressive and lacking empathy.
Children should be allowed to express emotions (frustration, disappointment etc) - doesn’t mean you have to ‘give in’ to everything but I don’t think it’s helpful to try and shut down all negative emotions.

I’m going to need more info. How does a stoic parent react to the fact that a meltdown is occurring because the red plate is in the dishwasher from breakfast and you have served lunch on an unacceptably not red plate?

This probably goes against all parenting styles but I would ensure that the red plate is always available by washing it in the sink...
I’m going to invent my own style called ‘you just do what you’ve got to do’ style. I think most people already follow it but if I give it a name then that makes it a ‘thing’ and I can feel suitably smug about it.

Why don’t you just try the ‘go with the flow’ type philosophy? It has a lot going for it - no manual needed, honest and doesn’t set you up for any kind of crash - you might even have a laugh or two - unlike errr ‘stoic’ - sounds like a right giggle that! 🙄

As a mother of 6 with a different parenting style on a daily basis, I would suggest you try not to get too hung up on what style of parent you want to be.

You will be the parent you become, you will change and adapt. Basically the kid will dictate what kind of parent you will be, because if they are easy going as a child you will be an easy going parent. If they are more......challenging then you will have to parent in order to help them (and you) deal with that.

Its nice to read about but basically its all bollocks!

I agree, though I also think sometimes the tantrum isn’t random at all, we just don’t understand what’s behind it.

@Ellisandra yes I agree completely.

@Pinkblueberry trained montessori nursery teacher and now free lance baby sitting

I’d hope in that case you had a much stronger grasp of child development, attachment and emotional literacy in children than you seem to have here.

It's good to have a plan for things..when my kid loses his shit over silly nothings I do consider my parenting 'plan' that's breath, calm, remember this child cant process emotions like we can.

I'm mostly "attachment parenting" but i only figured that out after having him for a good year or so. It just was what came naturally.

So sounds good to me. Adapt when your child is here

As a PP has probably mentioned, I should tell that the best parent you will ever be is right now. When you dont have kids.

We all knew what kind of parents we would be, that we would never allow our kids to get away with anything, that we would not tolerate tantrums or bedtime silliness......

With my son that was easy as he was such an easy going kid. With my second child not so much....I found myself lying on her bed for hours at a time until she slept until I realised what a ridiculous thing it was. I had done it for a year! So I said no and after 2 nights she never made a fuss again......you do fall into these things without realising it!

As I said above, I have 6 kids and the one piece of advice I would give is to remember that you may have read all the books, but they havent.

Another useful tip...watch bing. Then when your toddler has a "moment" think
What would flop do? 😅

It sounds a bit worrying to me, a bit like encouraging children not to have emotions at all. Children (and adults) need to be allowed to feel angry, sad, happy, frustrated, etc; what matters later is how they express it and deal with it.

I’ve never had a tantrum over a red plate. But I definitely would be the parent to do the equivalent of saying, “oooh, it’s in the dishwasher - shall we get it out and rinse it off by hand?”

You could say that’s teaching them to demand their own way.

You could say it’s “assertiveness development parenting”

Why is it wrong to express what you want, and then get it for your trouble?

One thing I liked that I read, was thinking about the adult you hope your child will become, and parent accordingly.

Want a child that ends up in an unfulfilling job because they don’t say, “could I get involved in that project?”, then sure - let them get nowhere when they say, “could I have it on the red plate please?”

Obviously, you don’t even get the chance when it’s 0-60 over the red plate

But letting a child have what they ask for? I’m in the “why not?” camp over many requests - and it suits mine. They’re not overly demanding now.