What are the opinions on stoic parenting?

[lovepickledlimes]

Me and partner have decided ttc once the rules and regulations once lockdown rules ease up. I have been doing some research on different parenting styles and came across stoic parenting. I think it sounds very sensible but would love to hear more opinions on this

[Biancadelrioisback]

My 3 year old had a full on screamy cry today because he didn't have a pet butterfly. This happened whilst I was on a video conference with our CEO and he refused to let go of my arm (3yo, not CEO). Yes I had to mute my mic for a moment and yes I did shout at 3 yo. do I feel good about it? No. Did it happen in the heat of the moment? Yes. You can't prepare for these situations, no matter how much you try!

[Stompythedinosaur]

@Stompythedinosaurto me a big is about teaching emotional control over things we have no control over and that their happiness unhappiness is not based on whar they have or don't have

Teaching emotional regulation is a normal part of parenting that literally every parent does (Well, apart from really neglectful parents). That's why kids stop having tantrums, and are able to refrain from hitting people they don't like, and can cope with exam pressure.

Stoic Parenting has just dressed it up a little to sound all Zen.

Obviously the stuff Stoic Parenting describes is good, it just isn't new in any way.

[Ormally]

@mynameiscalypso "Interestingly, I think that this kind of parenting style - taken to an extreme - has fucked me up a lot because it seemed to me that no emotion was acceptable and that it was wrong to get angry or sad or frustrated when that's part of life."
Yup. And it positively encourages the sense of bottle up/pretend everything is not affecting you really/ take it, take it, and keep taking it (till of course you can't any more), especially if you end up as an only child and you don't really have to fight your corner or stand up for yourself with other siblings as you grow up.

Really good advice to try out this or any parenting style when you are at least moderately sleep deprived and having to squeeze in a doctor's appointment for someone, and extra points if you get your other half to help with the test by hiding your purse and keys in an un-named bottom drawer and instead replace them in your handbag with crayons and a not-quite-finished drink carton just before you are due to leave the house.

[Lynda07]

Most good parents are pretty stoic, surely :-).

[FlurryKnox]

Here’s a wild idea. Have sex a bit, conceive, grow your baby, give birth, and at least wait till you deliver the placenta before you start theorising about tiger parenting, stoic parenting and having a position on red vs blue plates.

[nokidshere]

@Blackdoggotmytonguestill of course. But I hope they realise screaming till they are blue in the face is not going to make it apear

They will, when they get to 18 😁

Seriously, I understand what you are saying. I have friends who worry and stress over every little thing even if it's something they can't change or do anything about. But teaching emotion isn't the way to handle that. You can't control other people's emotions and feelings, only your own. And that includes children.

If, by the time you have children, you have learned to step back from things you have no control over, (such as worrying about how you are going to parent before you ttc) then your children are more likely to be the same without any Input from you.

[peajotter]

The best way to help your kids become well brought up, emotionally mature adults is to model it yourself. (I say this having lost my temper badly with my kids today because two of them lost their temper with each other! I got to model repentance and forgiveness afterwards.)

It seems you have worked out what some of your weak areas for parenting are, so try and work on them while ttc. I wish I had done this more.

As for parenting style, the best parents are flexible. For example I hate routine but one of my kids really needs it. One likes to talk through problems and another needs to be alone to calm down first. Parents of older kids are a great source of advice.

I’m sure you will do a great job.

[ShinyFootball]

It's also important for kids to know that parents are people too.

Showing a range of emotion is fine. I don't mean screaming and shouting but them seeing you cry at something on the telly or whatever is fine.

I cried a bit when they pulled all the stuff out of my drawer with my keepsakes and something was broken. They realised they had really fucked up. They were little.

Hiding all negative emotion is not great.

[Monkeynuts18]

I’m not saying that parenting advice isn’t helpful - it often is - but I do think that a lot of stuff about ‘parenting styles’ is just a way of catering to people’s egos (people LOVE to label themselves) and making money out of it.

I was convinced I was going to be ‘gentle parent’ before I had a child 😂 😂

[zigaziga]

My 6 and 4 year olds never tantrummed. They don’t give a shit what colour plate they have.

My oldest never really tantrummed either. Also, he was extremely particular about lots of things - like what order his toys were lined up in and what he wore (refused almost all clothes) so I completely expected the favourite cup / cutlery / plate thing and I was pretty confident I’d be well prepared given the above... but he never cared much about crockery at all.

On that front, I know child dependent but it’s really not fair to just say “don’t eat then”. Or at least, not with all children. Some would actually starve themselves. Same as when they’re like that with clothes. Not all children will put a coat on when they’re freezing cold.

[Pinkblueberry]

Why do you need to follow a ‘style’ at all? Just use your common sense

[BernardsarenotalwaysSaints]

Wait, are we meant to pick a parenting style with a daft name antenatally & then stick with until they leave? Are we meant to put headphones on the bump so the baby knows which we've chosen too? That'll explain where I went wrong!

[oldwhyno]

the type of parent you are will become is largely dictated by the type of person you are.

so I'd start there. What kind of person are you already?

[Flopjustwantscoffee]

First of all I think quite a lot of the actual examples you give are good ideas - and its nice to have an ideal to aim for so long as you dont punish yourself if you slip up sometimes (we all do). However... you said this :"I don't know what to do in situations out of my control" to the point of crying/throwing up. Do you not think maybe worying about what specific parenting style you are going to follow might actually be connected to this (I say this nicely as someone who has suffered from anxiety themselves)

[Stompythedinosaur]

I am not swaping for a red plate same for food. They will not get their way throwing a tantrum

I realise that this isn't the point of the thread, but tantrums are generally an expression of loss of emotional control, rather than an attempt to manipulate you.

[ArriettyJones]

Wait, are we meant to pick a parenting style with a daft name antenatally & then stick with until they leave?

Yep. Don’t worry. I’ll sell you a retroactive one for £4000.00

[Pinkblueberry]

Do you know or ever interact with any children OP? I always imagine these ‘parenting styles’ are designed for people who don’t have much experience with kids and are therefore easily convinced that raising them requires some kind of degree level research. I’m not saying it’s easy - but it’s really not rocket science.

[ShinyFootball]

Toddlers are not reasonable. They don't have the capacity to be. That's that really.

[lovepickledlimes]

@oldwhyno in genral I try to remain clam and manage 70% of the time. I think it's just due to my parents extreme emotions at times I want try avoid it as there was a lot of screaming, shouting and crying growing up. At times my mother letting her anger she had at my dad out on me so part of me deals with negative emotions badly with other people and try avoid feeling them and hate if I do get stressed or upset

[TacosTuesday]

Honestly, I'd get therapy. I'm slightly tongue in cheek but only just! You can read all the parenting books you like, but when you're parenting if you're going to find it difficult (child illness etc aside) it will mostly be because of issues from your own up bringing. I wish I had, I've had to work on my own parenting-game difficulties with children in the mix as well-its worth it but hard.

[lovepickledlimes]

@Pinkblueberry trained montessori nursery teacher and now free lance baby sitting

[DuDuDuLangaLangaBingBong]

[quote lovepickledlimes]@Quackersandcheese3 we have when I mentioned this style to him and both are more on the stricter side. Not full on tiger parent but there will be very clear rules and boundary. We are the parents not their friend. If me sticking to the rule makes me mean though you are eating off the blue plate if not ok their choice but I am not swaping for a red plate same for food. They will not get their way throwing a tantrum[/quote]
Hmm.

What if you have a kid with special educational needs? Or some kind of disability? Or, what if you are like me and your youngest kid gets diagnosed with a life-threatening illness and has to take awful medicines and have tubes coming out of all over and get spiked with needles and you cannot to see them cry again today and if they want a red plate to eat their first post-intensive care meal off every mothering instinct you have is telling you you’d walk a hundred miles through snow to get the exact red plate your child wants?

Motherhood throws a lot of shit in your face at times - love, compassion and fairness are far more useful tools to develop than rigid stoicism.

[MissSmith80]

As a mum to a 13 month old - I read a lot while TTC and pregnant, I had firm ideas of what I would/would not do. It's mostly gone out of the window and instead I'm trying to be the best I can while figuring it all out with my DH and our gorgeous boy. Just enjoy the journey - you'll find your own way x

[Ellisandra]

Presumably you don’t lose your shit the way your parents did, when you’re at work in the nursery?
So why do you think you need a label now to stop you being them with your own child?
Honestly, if you think you will - then therapy would be helpful.

My dad was violent and volatile. There are moments when my child hits my last nerve and in my head, I know how he’s respond. I’ve never had an urge to hit her, but I can feel the urge to shout the way he would, and the overly harsh words. But I never do - I recognise it for what it is: a (piss poor) way of parenting that I’ve learned through modelling - and now just ignore.

Shit parenting isn’t infectious - you’re not them.

[2020iscancelled]

I think one of the things I’ve learnt since having kids - and I only have youngsters - is that I want them to learn impulse control, to be able to share, to have empathy and social manners, basically I want them to be decent people who are considerate of others feelings and awareness of their social space.

I’ll try and teach them this stuff as much as I can but you soon realise that children are people and they have their own personality and character and you can only work with what you have.

I’m sure there was a paper which suggested only 20% of a child’s outcome can be influenced externally, so the majority of who they become is their innate self (although we are talking in general terms - not cases of trauma and abuse / neglect of course)

The fact that you want to be an effective parent is to be commended - a lot of people don’t give a fuck to be honest, not on this site but in everyday life, it’s sad