What are the opinions on stoic parenting?

[lovepickledlimes]

Me and partner have decided ttc once the rules and regulations once lockdown rules ease up. I have been doing some research on different parenting styles and came across stoic parenting. I think it sounds very sensible but would love to hear more opinions on this

[Immigrantsong]

It sounds like more woke bullshit.

[Blackdoggotmytonguestill]

Ohhhh. Happiness isn’t linked to pudding?
Have you ever met any three year olds?

[Twigletfairy]

Just do what you think is right for your family. Don't need to stick a label on it

[ShinyFootball]

The labelling of different parenting 'styles' is to spin money. It also sets parents (usually women) against each other.

[SouthWestmom]

Actually op, I think putting some thought into parenting and the approach and modelling you want to make is a bloody good idea. Of course you're not stupid and thinking it's set in stone but so many people have kids without thinking it through.

Good for you. I wish dh and I had planned a bit more about things we could have predicted / would have made it easier to deal with the things we'd never have imagined.

[NoHardSell]

Are you currently following this philosophical approach to life?

[lovepickledlimes]

@Blackdoggotmytonguestill of course. But I hope they realise screaming till they are blue in the face is not going to make it apear

[stophuggingme]

Bless you
Wait until it’s 6am but you’ve alReady been up for two hours and one of the little cherubs will only eat the brown Cheerios. And you find yourself standing there haggard and wild eyed selecting the brown ones while your third cup of tea goes cold, one of the has filled another nappy and the other has used Nutella as some sort of post apocalyptic wattle and daub with her toast

Then see if stoic parenting can help

[Blackdoggotmytonguestill]

Dd2 cried for three days because her invisible family disappeared.
I was stoic.
No choice really. Conjuring up imaginary beings to stop the end of her world wasn’t really an option.

[lovepickledlimes]

@NoHardSell trying very hard to. Not so much anger but getting upset or worried about things out of my control

[Bluewavescrashing]

I thought I'd be a wishy washy earth mother. Letting the baby guide the day, never being apart from the baby etc. In fact I put my babies down after each feed and change, they learned to get themselves to sleep (I was lucky they didn't need to be walked around or rocked) they never slept in my bed, we had a clear routine as soon as we could. I did love a sling though 😁

You won't know how you feel or how your baby will behave until he or she is here.

[lurch3r]

I knew it was my dear old mum's fault. My happiness is directly related to pudding. And chips.

[NoHardSell]

[quote lovepickledlimes]@NoHardSell trying very hard to. Not so much anger but getting upset or worried about things out of my control[/quote]
That's probably how you'll be with your kids then

Lets face it, noone thinks 'i want to be a screamy shouty mum' but if you are kind of dramatic and out of control of your emotions before kids ... that's how you end up

[TheVanguardSix]

to me a big is about teaching emotional control over things we have no control over and that their happiness unhappiness is not based on whar they have or don't have

U wot m8?

Ah OP, shag yourselves silly and have the baby first. Dial it back a bit. Parenting isn’t as intense as you imagine.

[ChicCroissant]

A rare 100 per cent for AIBU at the moment!

While it's good to have an idea of parenting style, you also need to account for the fact that even babies arrive with a personality and style of their own. It's not all created by or down to the parents. Flexibility is needed at times!

[cantkeepawayforever]

My best advice would be to look round the parents of your acquaintance - preferably those with 2 or more children (because we all know those whose 1st child is an 'easy to parent' child who would make anyone look good, but whose 2nd is a holy horror who is determined to make the most saintly parent look bad).

If you can see some who follow a parenting approach that you like, that makes sense to you, that you feel comfortable with, ask them if they have a 'go to' parenting book. Then buy that book.

[ArriettyJones]

[quote lovepickledlimes]@SomeoneElseEntirelyNow it's not about no emotion it's controlled emotion to things outside my control. I.E. Me stressing about the traffic as we are heading to the airport will help no one etc. Or material things. I would like to lead by example too. So the happiness they have is not reliant on if thetly can have the toy they want or if they can have pudding etc[/quote]
TBH, if you’re old enough to reproduce and you haven’t cracked “emotional control” yet, you’re not going to.

You either think you’re calm enough and grown up enough to be a parent or you don’t. Actual parenting happens as it happens and can’t be faked. You can’t just pick a parenting style as if you’re picking wallpaper.

[Mumoftwoyoungkids]

Cuddle them a lot.
Tell them you love them a lot.
Encourage them to be kind to other people.
Encourage them to be kind to themselves.
Encourage them to find themselves a passion and to enjoy it.
Read to them a lot.
Talk about numbers around the dinner table.
Try not to drop them on their heads.

That was pretty much our parenting philosophy. I don’t think it has a name but so far (they are 10 and 7) they are pretty fabulous.

[lovepickledlimes]

@NoHardSell don't scream or shout more cry to the point I throw up just hearing or reading something sad or panic to the point I don't know what to do in situations out of my control

[ScrapThatThen]

I think it's helpful to think of four basic parenting styles on a spectrum from authoritarian, authoritative, liberal to neglectful. Both authoritative and liberal are ok, but authoritarian or neglectful don't. My experience suggests kids feel safer when parents make decisions and set boundaries, but in the child's best interests and with close knowledge of them (so authoritative). But I think what you are saying is that you have to teach your child how to manage frustration, disappointment etc 'there there, see, you're fine now' (rather than omg what have you done are you ok) or 'sit there until you are ready to tell me nicely that you are sorry and then we can play nicely' etc etc. I agree with pp that it's ok to show your own emotions too in small doses.

[ArriettyJones]

@Blackdoggotmytonguestill

So just regular parenting, then? Grand. Go for it.
As an FYI though, the kids haven’t read the parenting styles handbook and can’t be guaranteed to behave as directed. Dealing with that is also called parenting.

😂😂🤣

So true.

[mynameiscalypso]

Interestingly, I think that this kind of parenting style - taken to an extreme - has fucked me up a lot because it seemed to me that no emotion was acceptable and that it was wrong to get angry or sad or frustrated when that's part of life. Instead of learning how to sit with those emotions, I learnt to suppress them. I've ended up with totally screwed mental health and discussed at length with my psychiatrist how this type of upbringing has been so detrimental.

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

cry to the point I throw up just hearing or reading something sad or panic to the point I don't know what to do in situations out of my control

OP, you're going to find parenting absolutely awful if this is the case. I'd seriously look into therapy/medication/proper help before TTC. More effective than any parenting philosophy is a stable mother.

[ArriettyJones]

[quote lovepickledlimes]@NoHardSell don't scream or shout more cry to the point I throw up just hearing or reading something sad or panic to the point I don't know what to do in situations out of my control[/quote]
Oh dear.

Maybe you should have a year or two of therapy before you think about TTCing?

[titchy]

But I hope they realise screaming till they are blue in the face is not going to make it apear

Well they will.... when they're adults! Until then - ha!