What are the opinions on stoic parenting?

[lovepickledlimes]

Me and partner have decided ttc once the rules and regulations once lockdown rules ease up. I have been doing some research on different parenting styles and came across stoic parenting. I think it sounds very sensible but would love to hear more opinions on this

[Blackdoggotmytonguestill]

I’m going to need more info. How does a stoic parent react to the fact that a meltdown is occurring because the red plate is in the dishwasher from breakfast and you have served lunch on an unacceptably not red plate?
A - wouldn’t have happened because it doesn’t matter what colour the plate is (denial)
B - I wouldn’t have put it in the dishwasher because I can foresee everything my child needs (avoidance)
C - stop dishwasher, takes plate out (teaches child that screaming gets results)
D - ignores screaming, says kindly ‘blue plate for lunch darling, the red one is dirty’ and makes a nice cup of tea
E - cries over the sink and vows to buy another red plate (except tomorrow it will be blue. Or yellow. Etc.)

[lovepickledlimes]

@ScrapThatThen of course. I never meant no emotion I just meant in a healthier way like you described with set rules and boundaries but also teach them negative emtions such as hitting and shouting will not get them what they want

[Quackersandcheese3]

It’s interesting to read lots of different things before having a kid but until you’re in it you just don’t know how it’s going to be.
My suggestion is to turn to your partner and discuss what you plan to parent like as a team , what expectations you have of each other. What values you feel are important to teach your children, what you want for your children etc etc.
Having an open , honest and supportive partnership is an essential foundation stone on which to build your family . That’s more important that reading books.

[lovepickledlimes]

@Blackdoggotmytonguestill instic I would say d. Child will be presented the food on the blue plate or no food till the message sinks in. If that means missing one meal till the blue plate is good enough so be it

[ArriettyJones]

We were teasing you but actually it sounds like you have a serious issue and you need a serious solution, not silly, made-up, off-the-peg, “parenting styles”. You know people invent this stuff to make a few ££££?

You sound as though you need proper help.

[MobLife]

This is a wind up! This has got to be a wind up

[SomeoneElseEntirelyNow]

Im with @arriettyjones on this one OP, sorry. You need help.

[Drivingdownthe101]

[quote lovepickledlimes]@Blackdoggotmytonguestill instic I would say d. Child will be presented the food on the blue plate or no food till the message sinks in. If that means missing one meal till the blue plate is good enough so be it[/quote]
When you’re a child, you don’t have control over much in your life. You’re told what to eat/drink, what to wear, how you’re spending your day etc. Things like wanting a different colour plate are the only way children can exert a bit of control. I’m not sure that’s necessarily a bad thing.

[lovepickledlimes]

@Quackersandcheese3 we have when I mentioned this style to him and both are more on the stricter side. Not full on tiger parent but there will be very clear rules and boundary. We are the parents not their friend. If me sticking to the rule makes me mean though you are eating off the blue plate if not ok their choice but I am not swaping for a red plate same for food. They will not get their way throwing a tantrum

[Mylittlepony374]

Agree with others, you can't decide really until you meet the kid....my first needs routine and consistency and me to be there all the time, my second is a complete hurricane who just wants to be left alone to destroy the house. They're all different.

[ShinyFootball]

Toddlers are not reasonable though and that is normal for that age.

What if you give the blue plate for each meal and it is chucked on the floor. Clearly at some point you will break and feed the child. And how has that benefited anyone and what has it taught.

Wait until you've got a child. Do your best like everyone else. Most kids turn into perfectly fine adults.

[Blackdoggotmytonguestill]

Is there a parenting philosophy that teaches children hitting and shouting means they get what they want?
I mean, I understand that pretty much all parents will take one look at Tabitha revving up in polite company and take the easy way out to avoid making a godawful scene, but I think that’s called emergency responses, not an actual philosophy. I don’t know that teaching your kid to yell and scream for results is a thing. More an unfortunate consequence when you are at the end of your toddler dangled tether...

[Ellisandra]

Thinking about how you parent is an excellent idea. But as soon as you start using “ parenting” in a sentence, you need to give yourself a talking to! Step away from the latest labels.

As for your kids learning that screaming til they’re blue in the face doesn’t get them what they want... only could be said before kids! My 13yo has NEVER got what she wanted by: crying, huffing, stropping, stomping. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t do those sometimes! Actions like those - and the emotions that drive them really AREN’T simply always manipulative attempts to force what they want. They’re just emotional immaturity.

My 13yo doesn’t glare because she thinks it’ll help her cause. She glares because she’s angry and she can’t help that showing on her face.

[Wolfgirrl]

I dont really get parenting using a manual. Just use your instincts not some weird regime. You will be fine

[Drivingdownthe101]

And you’re anticipating problems before you have them. My 6 and 4 year olds never tantrummed. They don’t give a shit what colour plate they have. My youngest... well he’s a slightly different beast!

[daisyjgrey]

The way you parent is engrained in you. It's not like choosing A levels. You can choose a 'philosophy' as much as you like but your instincts take over eventually.

[ScarfLadysBag]

I don't think anyone really parents in a way that fits neatly into a 'style'. We all just pick and choose various things that are important to us, which I think is a better way to parent than trying to follow rules set by someone else. I have this issue with 'attachment parenting' as a movement too.

[daisyjgrey]

They will not get their way throwing a tantrum

Please come back to us in three-ish years when you're in a 40 minute stand off about socks.

[NoHardSell]

[quote lovepickledlimes]@Blackdoggotmytonguestill instic I would say d. Child will be presented the food on the blue plate or no food till the message sinks in. If that means missing one meal till the blue plate is good enough so be it[/quote]
This is pretty much what every person thinks they will do

Remember this moment. You will look back and laugh one day.

[ShinyFootball]

What most parents do is take the bits that were good/ bad from their own parenting

Overlaid with their ideas about what is important

Maybe read some books take the bits that agree with

Get some stuff right and some things wrong

Turn into their parents somewhat as the kids get older and think WTF

And do some stuff well and some stuff not so well

Same as ever.

[Plumpi]

It sounds good, staying calm and reasonable with the kids, not spoiling them. Sounds like a good approach.
Definitely better than bursting into tears, losing your temper, swearing at the kids and/or hiding from them in the toilet. Oh well.

[ShinyFootball]

Oh god socks

And needing to leave for school

Thing is she genuinely found socks really uncomfy

I don't miss those years!

[ScarfLadysBag]

Also be wary of planning out what kind of parent you will be before they arrive, as it's quite a different thing once you're in the thick of it! It's only when you're living it that you can really find the parenting style that suits you both you and your child. It's easy to come up with grand ideas such as 'I will never do this' or 'my child will never do that', but once they're here, life has a funny way of making a fool of you

[Ellisandra]

How does it suggest that you teach emotional control, anyway?
What over, and from what age?
I think that having a jolly good tantrum (a proper one, shouting, crying, snot, the works) when you’re young is an excellent learning experience. Kids should experience emotions - and if they’re OTT, it’s precisely because they’re learning them.
Let them lose their shit about the red plate but not that red plate... this is the safe time to experience extreme emotions!

[buildingbridge]

Never heard of it and honestly I would not be bothered.

If you are THAT concerned, I will research child cognitive development either by Vygotsky or Piaget and look up attachment theory. Much more useful.