What are the opinions on stoic parenting?

[lovepickledlimes]

Me and partner have decided ttc once the rules and regulations once lockdown rules ease up. I have been doing some research on different parenting styles and came across stoic parenting. I think it sounds very sensible but would love to hear more opinions on this

[JRUIN]

Parenthood is difficult enough at times, so I really don't understand anyone wanting the extra pressure of religiously following a certain parenting style. Seems to me there's so many trends now designed to make the 'authors' money and their insecure followers feel they are so modern and superior in some way. Stop putting labels on everything, it's so boring now and just use your common sense and muddle through like the rest of us is my advice to you OP.

[mylittlesandwich]

I don't think it hurts to have a look around and get some ideas but if you're too rigid in how to deal with your child it may well end badly. DS is 7 months so we haven't reached the age where he can battle us but so far the easiest way to parent for everyone involved is to just go with it. Example, we intended to follow traditional spoon fed weaning. DS was having none of it, wrestled the spoon off us and wasn't happy. He's now baby led and much happier.

[lovepickledlimes]

@LittleMissRedHat we would 100% get legally married before giving birth. I know it would be to protect myself. I also made sure we are on the same page in regards to education and child care etc

[LittleMissRedHat]

You know what I would suggest? Sod the parenting books. I mean, by all means, read as much as you want to and pick and choose what you think you would like, but until you have a child and work out their personality, there is no point deciding that this is the approach you will take. All kids are different and respond differently to different approaches.

The best thing I can suggest for successful parenting is to sort yourself and partner out and make sure you are on the same page. Everything from finances / when or if you will return to work and how childcare & household costs are going to paid, to who is going to get up to do the night waking (and I don't just mean feeding when the baby is small and you are possibly breastfeeding. I mean when the child wakes at 3am on a Sunday morning kind of incidents). There is also childcare options - nursery, childminder or SAHM? If you go back to work, who will pick the sick child up from school? What happens in the holidays? You also need to protect yourself financially in case you decide to be a SAHM, especially since you aren't married.

It may seem cold and heartless, but you need to think about the practical things rather than losing yourself in the romance of what kind of parent you want to be. You only need to read threads on here to see how differing ideas on who does what with the children in a relationship becomes a massive issue later on.

I repeat: Sod the parenting books, sort out the parents and the rest will fall into place.

[TeaAndStrumpets]

It sounds as if you want to keep a lid on your potential child's emotions, in order not to be made anxious yourself. This is a most unrealistic plan!

As many previous posters have commented, you are doomed to disappointment if you expect logic or consistency in a young child. The example of standing your ground over a hypothetical red plate makes you sound as unreasonable as the child!

Would you starve your puppy if he's been a pain? I suspect not.

[Mypathtriedtokillme]

Personally I find the illusion of choice works much better than ‘blue plate or no food’ stand offs.
Setting yourself up for a control stand off is setting yourself up to fail.
Toddlers need to feel they have a bit of control. (Even if it’s in no way actually realistic)
I found this blue plate or this blue plate? Bath or shower, these green plants for these exactly the same green pants?
Works a hell of a lot better than telling toddlers that’s how it is.

Our kids have boundaries some we can negotiate, others they know are unmovable.

Why do you think that approach will actually cause you less stress when your likely making every single tiny choice a major battle.

[Starlightstarbright1]

Watch Britain’s best parents - none of them are because they are all extreme.

Trust your gut but know your child - how to bring out the best in them ,

You do have no idea you say you will serve it on the blue plate till they learn but you forget Mummy instinct to ensure your child is eating but also hungry children don’t sleep and you are tired.

[Watchagotcha]

Sorry OP I went back and read your posts properly. It sounds like you have real anxiety problems. Stoicism, or at least some of the principles are found in CBT and other therapies, as well as Buddhism, mindfulness, and even AA.

Honestly, as a parent, I’d have to say: work on sorting your own head out before you worry about how to shape someone else’s. Children have their own personalities, and they learn what they experience every day. Again, show, don’t teach.

[Watchagotcha]

The most useful application of practical stoicism as a parent is to embody the principles in your own life. Show, don’t teach. If you live the philosophy, your children will learn from you anyway.

Stoic teachers can be pretty sanctimonious tbh. Focus on your own practice, let others learn from your example.

[LiesHumansTellThemselves]

"Dude, chill!", "Suck it up sunshine" and "give it a rest" have been a part of my parenting from the beginning - I didn't know there was a fancy word for it.

Seems to have worked out OK, my kids have their shit together so all good.

[burritofan]

Honestly, get through the trying to get pregnant bit first. Then get through being pregnant. Then have your baby – for a looooooooooong time the red vs blue plate is really not going to be an issue. All babies need is to be warm, fed, held and to sleep. Maybe you'll get lucky with that last one or maybe you'll get a tiny red-faced demented goblin who needs bouncing a lot. Who knows?!

But by the time you're past that point, your newborn will turn, of their own accord, into an older baby then a toddler then a pre-schooler. And you'll get to know them and they you, and your style will just kind of evolve. It's nice to know in advance what type of reaction you want to have to the red plate tantrum, but none of us can know how we'll behave when woken every two hours, up at 4am, the cat's been sick and the toddler's done an up the back poo and you're out of coffee.

[BertieBotts]

YY, Ellisandra! That's very true. Choices can help but like anything if you overuse it, it gets too much.

I am definitely guilty of overthinking parenting anf trying to get an A+ I could totally see myself reading the choice tip and trying to use it endlessly resulting in DC melting down because they are being offered four bath towels when they don't give a shit because they are tired and want to go to sleep :o

Relax about parenting. It doesn't need to be perfect to work.

[ShinyFootball]

TBH it's a bit like makeup etc

Undermine women's confidence

Tell them this thing they can buy is the answer...

[blueshoes]

I am more partial to the Keepin' It Real parenting style.

[Ellisandra]

@ShinyFootball that would work brilliantly with mine, too. But I think it was an episode of Supernanny where she suggested that being given lots of choices was bewildering and stressful to this particular child (I have in mind the mother has offered 4 different bath towels in dizzying succession!) and was making the situation worse. Which just goes to show what so many here are saying... your child determines your “_ parenting” style - not you 🤣

[ShinyFootball]

I would say

The red plate is in the dishwasher

Here are the ones that aren't (grab 3 or whatever) and say which one do you like best? This one is blue, this one has a rabbit on it, and this one was from granny! (Excited voice). I always found giving a choice worked great. It was always things that were easy for me, obv! Do you want cheese on your pasta or plain? .. even that makes them feel they have some control iyswim

[PyongyangKipperbang]

Mentioned this post to my mum when she called and she said "I wish I could have been like you are" which shocked me, I thought she was uber confident in her (not brilliant tbh) parenting. She was shouty angry mum, it took until I was into my 40's (am w47) before we were close. She said "Well you explain things to the kids dont you? If they want something you dont just say 'no' you say 'no we cant have Dominoes as its expensive and I dont get paid until next week, but we can have frozen pizza instead' and the the kids are ok with it!" She wished she had been like that instead of being dictatorial and going down the "Because I said so" route. She mentioned something I also remember which was when my dad changed jobs. He had been paid a month in advance in one job (a thing that did sometimes happen back in the early 70's) to a month in arrears job . They sat us down, I think I was about 12 and my sister 10, and explained that the bills were covered but there would be no extras. They said that they wouldnt be able to afford treats and we were ok with it. She said that they were shocked at how ok with it we were. I was able to tell her that it was because we understood why. And that was one of my memories I had taken into my own parenting, a child will understand "no because xyz........" even if they dont like it, far better than "No , because I said so"

I also agree with the PP who said (paraphrase) "The red plate is in the dishwasher, shall we wash it or do you want the blue plate instead?" Thats exactly what I do and it works. It acknowledges their issue and gives them a choice on how to solve it.

[ShinyFootball]

Stoic to me means keeping grinding on whatever life throws at you. Stiff upper lip.

It's not great to think 'this is going to be awful but I need to keep my chin up' when you have a newborn, is it

[oldwhyno]

@lovepickledlimes My advice would be to read several books, different styles, and focus on the things that speak to you as a person.

We all get a chance to try and do better than our parents. But try if you can to think about all the things they did well, and your grandparents and other significant relatives. I think those things will come more naturally.

[billy1966]

Stoic....as in assuming an expressionless demeanour .....when they have,
been expelled,
dropped home by the constabulary, smashed a window,
totalled the car,
received an appalling teacher report
failed exams
smashed your favourite crystal
lost a front tooth at rugby
fallen in the door incapacitated......

Stoic would be absolutely helpful in the above situations for sure👍

[BertieBotts]

First off - the most important thing about parenting (apart from picking the right person to do it with, which is actually way more important than this, so the second most important :o) - parenting "styles" are generally written to sell books or get hits on a website, trying to stick to one rigidly will make you miserable at best, and make you start acting "tribal" at worst. Tribal is where you start to see EVERY interaction that you have with any other human as being related to your parenting "tribe" and whether they are one of "us" or one of "them". It's divisive, it's unhelpful, it drives you away from ideas which might be helpful, it isolates you from people who can be a source of support.

Parenting is HARD. You cannot read a book in it, apply the theory perfectly and get an A+. It just does not work like that. You are human and parenting is 24/7. It's just too intense to apply any kind of "theory" or "style". It's 99% just living with other people and building a relationship with them and the methods you use for various things such as "teaching them not to care about material posessions" are just the other 1% and largely they don't matter. Most any "method" will work as long as you are meeting their basic needs and not abusing them.

Parenting styles/books/blogs are useful IME as a discussion point with your partner, to see if you are on the same page about things, to give you ideas about different approaches and to reframe issues but you will generally find that the same approach is repackaged all over the shop and called various different names.

But I like talking and discussing parenting styles and I do think before the baby is actually here, theory is kind of all you have to do - so I'll engage a bit :)

Calmness, confidence and consistency are basically the mainstay of any kind of parenting advice, from Supernanny to Playful Parenting. Nobody is going to purposefully have the parenting style of being an emotional banshee wailing and yelling at children, nobody is going to advise you to be timid or tentative with children (aside from anything else it's incredibly ineffective!) and consistency is useful if you want them to actually learn things, otherwise it's just chaos, really, isn't it?

It seems like the only "different" things about that parenting philosophy (I'm ignoring "clarity" and "contentment" as aspirational bullshit, and actually I'd argue it's NOT your job to keep your kids content at all times and this will not teach them to be happy with what they have - quite the opposite!) is control - the whole point that you can control yourself, control the environment, but not directly control your kids - I agree with this and think it's useful, as it helps you stay calm.

However generally you'll get this from any modern parenting guide. Terrifying your kids into submission has quite fallen out of fashion!

And then compassion/seeing things from their point of view. Well - again - this is the mainstay of most parenting approaches which aren't based on behaviourism.

I could recommend you a load of resources which are based on these five things which aren't quite so unattainable as that blog most likely is.

Janet Lansbury (blog/podcasts)
The Whole Brain Child/No Drama Discipline
Raising Human Beings
Calmer Easier Happier Parenting (or something)
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk
Unconditional Parenting (THIS is an amazing one to read before kids. Shit to read with RL kids! Amazing discussion potential.)
The Gentle Discipline Book
The No Cry Discipline/Sleep Solution
Aha Parenting (website)
Why Love Matters
Your Baby Skin To Skin
Taking Children Seriously (website)
Playful Parenting
Montessori (theory/books/websites)

There are probably more I have forgotten.

[midnightstar66]

DD1 has never had a tantrum. She's 10 now. DD2 had me running to ikea to buy 2 packs of each crockery so there were always 2 purple plates. Sometimes it's
Better to pick your battles or life will be one long one.

[mumwon]

(ps I had 3 now adult dc & worked as a cm for over 15 years with many many other lovely dc - all of whom had their "moments" of varying -um- complexity

[CountFosco]

I’m going to need more info. How does a stoic parent react to the fact that a meltdown is occurring because the red plate is in the dishwasher from breakfast and you have served lunch on an unacceptably not red plate?

Only buy red plates?

[babybythesea]

blackeyedsusan I thought of that thread too!