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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I a shit mother

67 replies

EttaJames29 · 16/06/2020 22:52

2 kids. They are fed every day and bathed every day, but my 5 year old eats too many chicken dippers and sometimes they wear the same pyjamas for a couple of days running. I constantly tell them both how much I love them, how proud I am of them and that they are capable of anything they set their mind to. But sometimes I also let my toddler play in the lounge on his own whilst I sit on my phone in the room next door (quite often, during lockdown). I ask my daughter lots of questions so she knows that I am interested in her but I also get frustrated often because she talks so much. I make an effort to take them out for nice walks but don't always enjoy it, and my daughter seems happier at home on her iPad. The toddler is gorgeous and I smother him with cuddles but I don't "play" with him, my daughter does though. I feel that I should be more mentally "present", but I'm so tired.

3 months of being stuck at home alone with them and I'm really doubting myself as a mother.

OP posts:
GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 17/06/2020 00:12

Sounds fine to me.

Grandmi · 17/06/2020 00:14

You are a normal human being..we are all living in a tricky world and all coping somehow!! As for PJs ..who actually cares !! 💐

NotNowPlzz · 17/06/2020 00:17

Not one thing in that post would point to anything being wrong. Why would you not let your toddler play independently? Madness to do otherwise! Everything in your description is fine and normal. What exactly are you expecting of yourself?

Grandmi · 17/06/2020 00:18

No comments from the 28% who disagree ...am surprised they are all so quiet!!

Italiangreyhound · 17/06/2020 00:19

Be extra kind to yourself with a nice warm bubble bath or treating yourself to some lovely hand cream etc. Whatever floats your boat.

I did not play a lot with my little lad, he did not naturally gravitate to play and my daughter did. As they have got older we have started more family games we can all play.

We play 'Pie in the Face', Uno, cards, angry birds card game, etc. Hard with a toddler but possible to play some games together. We have also tried a lot of play dough, some junk modelling etc.

Lock down has been hard, we have thought of so many things we want to do and not managed to do many of them! My kids love TV and devices and it is so hard to get them off them. It all sounds normal. Thanks xxx

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/06/2020 00:23

Its been proven many times that children dont actually thrive on constant entertainment, they dont learn how to entertain themselves. They need to learn how to play independently, its a learned skill. They also need to learn that you are not at their beck and call at all times and that at some points you will be busy with other things. If you dont do that then you will end up with a couple of teenagers who literally cannot do anything for themselves, who will grow in adults likewise. You would be doing them a disservice (and the rest of the world!) if you release them into the wild like that.

So you are teaching them both life lessons!

FuckPolitenessSSDGM · 17/06/2020 00:31

You're fine. Mine are 4 and 2 and I have also left them to their own devices in the lounge while I have 10 minutes on my own in the kitchen, and mine wear their PJs for several days until they inevitably pour porridge down them. I recently found out one of my mum friends is an insta mum and when I saw all the stuff she does every day with her 3 kids I felt like I was some how letting my kids down because I don't spend my evenings dying rice crispies and chickpeas with food colouring to make artful displays in tuff trays. Then I realised that I don't have time for that shit and got some cardboard boxes out for them to play in. Don't be hard on yourself, it's tough at the minute but you sound like a good mum to me. Flowers

BestDaysAheadOfMe · 17/06/2020 00:32

You’re doing great, seriously. So what there’s a lot of iPad, won’t be like that forever. From what you said, you are giving them space to independently explore and play whilst reassuring them you’re there you are interested and loving them. You are doing better than i am most days;)
Stop beating yourself up, if your kids are happy you are doing a great jobFlowers

user1471439310 · 17/06/2020 00:33

If they are feed, somewhat clean, and happy, you are a great mom.

FuckPolitenessSSDGM · 17/06/2020 00:37

@Grandmi I think the 28% have voted to say that OP is BU to think she is a bad mum. I think this post is confusing to vote on as I have voted in that category and to me it looks like 72% think OP is not being unreasonable to think she's a bad mum which judging from the comments cannot be the case.

Italiangreyhound · 17/06/2020 00:39

OP I didn't vote. I think the question is confusing. My son is living in his PJs at the moment!

Lollypop4 · 17/06/2020 00:51

I feel I couldve written this....
I have 4 Dc , Mid teens - 2yrs old....
I feel Im constantly on my phone, as its my only entertainment really (DH still working Ft, Im a SAHM) Im letting the kids entertain each other and they are spending too much time on gadgets...
But , we also go on walks or play catch in the local football field, we've done the bare min of school work and a few fun things such are art/crafts.
The house is in a reasonable state, the kids are fed and clean and Im still reading a bedtime story each.
But, I cant wait for bedtime each day, my Patience is short, Im muttering FFS under my breath far too much and I just feel shitty every day...
You sound like me, muddling through lockdown but as long as the kids are content at the ens of the day..., thats all that matters, sounds as though You are doing just fine though.x

IdblowJonSnow · 17/06/2020 00:54

Do you read to them at bedtime? Get down on the floor to do a jigsaw or similar once or twice a day? A child psychologist friend of mine told me that its these kind of quality interactions that make a good parent in terms of a child feeling loved, valued, having the right attention etc.
But in answer to your Q, no you dont sound like a shit mum and surviving this time is the main thing. As for being on your phone, well, we're all here on mumsnet arent we! Wink

IdblowJonSnow · 17/06/2020 00:56

Agree voting is confusing- I voted yanbu but I dont think you're a bad mum at all!

ProudMarys · 17/06/2020 00:56

I dress my youngest son and more often than not he undresses and goes around in trunks all day, so no point really unless we are going out. I only make my older one change from his PJ's every morning because he is so lazy about getting to the toilet on time and often will have a slight whiff of wee by the morning. They all will be getting a bit more screen time on lock down. Mine hop around on space hoppers all day so it's the only bit of quite time I get when they have screen time! They talk nonsense so much I constantly have to ask mine to be quite now! Plus it's really annoying hearing all about Minecraft how ever many times a day. They get so many hugs and love and I'm silly with them when I have the energy, but if they are happy playing in the next room and not trying to climb up me...well don't rock the boat, Leave them to it! You are doing your best and they are loved.

sarahloula · 17/06/2020 01:01

I could have written your post! Love my kids! Adore them! But find it hard to always be enthusiastic about building a train track with my 2 year old ds or talk to my 9 year old about random stuff. She loves entertaining ds and i happily let her. I'm a much better mum when on days out, not stuck in the house.

canonlydoblue · 17/06/2020 01:07

You sound like an amazing mum.

Thisismytimetoshine · 17/06/2020 01:26

People who ask this question generally expect a "no, of course not!" answer.
If you feel your parenting is lacking (and I'm not saying it is), do something different.

Alittleshortforaspacepooper · 17/06/2020 01:30

People washing their whole family's PJs after one wear are insane.

Is this a humble brag?

Plumpi · 17/06/2020 01:31

No comments from the 28% who disagree ...am surprised they are all so quiet!!

I put YABU for thinking she's a bad mother when everything she described is probably on the good side of normal. But I think I misunderstood the voting. Also, the pyjama thing, and the implication that they should be washed everyday. No.

Sweetlikecoca · 17/06/2020 01:33

Are your children in a set routine? So you can try set an hour to play with them during the day. Once the kids are in bed you can relax. Do you have any family support?

This is really sad to read that lockdown has been taken To the extent where mums are at their wits end with a closed support network. I mean what is more important?

cinnamonbun · 17/06/2020 01:37

I could have written exactly this myself, so it's very reassuring to read all the lovely comments. Flowers

Mypathtriedtokillme · 17/06/2020 02:30

Your a normal mum not a insta fake it till you make it mum.

Today my 3 year old and I have had breakfast, read a book, walked her big sister to school (with her rain gear over her pjs because she declared it was a PJ day), walked home in the pouring rain, floated leaf boats down the dirty drains on the way home, played a game of snap and are now watching a movie watching popcorn, marshmallows, carrot sticks and strawberries.
After she can play by herself drawing or playing with toys while I do some exercise, work or sewing.
Have lunch, work then go get her sister.

Later no doubt I will hide in the loo to get 10 minutes peace without anyone talking or touching me.

Your normal OP.

Notthetoothfairy · 17/06/2020 07:35

I voted YANBU, meaning that you don’t sound like a bad mum at all!

macaronilemonpony · 17/06/2020 07:39

No, you’re fine. Stop worrying!