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AIBU?

PTSD/Depression after trauma/ sudden death.

67 replies

cordialqueen · 16/06/2020 11:19

Posting for traffic really but does anyone on have experience of this or supported a SO who experiences this .
I supposeI am what the day to day reality felt like and what helped . If it lasted long and how your your SO feelS right now .
Thank you for reading .

OP posts:

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Balibabe1 · 01/07/2020 00:31

Hi Orchardlover
I’m so sorry to read your situation. I too suffer from PTSD, my husband died unexpectedly last year. I cannot express how painful and traumatic it is. For the first 4 months I was in complete shock then the real pain hit and it’s been a constant merry go round of hurt, tears, anger and secondary losses.
You’re right that receiving messages were lovely, it showed someone cared, yet I didn’t respond or I would send a heart emoji if it was my sister/daughter.
At the moment he is staring at a gaping hole that was once his and his children’s life. Nothing can fix it. Just keep letting him know you’re there. 2 months is so very new and raw.
Take care of yourself, you sound so lovely, it’s such a shit hand that’s been dealt to you all.

orchardlover · 01/07/2020 09:41

I'm so sorry @Balibabe1 and @elliejjtiny . So very traumatic. I can sense your raw pain. I can't see how he is going to heal if he does not get professional help. I've never seen such a reaction before as I've never encountered anybody who has had such a raw deal before even though that might sound flippant. He has had many losses, crises, personal tragedies in his life without time or space to process each event so they are possibly tumbling out now , unprocessed and complicated. It must feel like a bad dream for him that is his now everyday reality. He is self employed so I'm glad that he is working a little once more to distract himself although it is from home.

Emmie12345 · 01/07/2020 12:00

Have you seen him since it happened , @orchardlover?

Are the kids with him ? Are the grandparents helping ? Poor things

orchardlover · 01/07/2020 12:34

Yes I've seen him twice. We live far apart but in any case he doesn't want contact.
His kids are with him and they are young but he has help from his ex wife's parents.
He has no living parents and siblings that live overseas. Apart from friends and in laws that he has a delicate relationship with, he has friends but doesn't want them either.

Emmie12345 · 01/07/2020 12:38

Has he said he doesn’t want you to visit @orchardlover ?
What sort of distance do you live apart?

orchardlover · 01/07/2020 12:43

Yes he has.we live two hours apart. He has pushed me out fully.

Emmie12345 · 01/07/2020 15:49

So sorry @orchardlover this is so hard for you (

You’ve done nothing wrong, it’s a terrible shame but it’s totally out of your hands (

orchardlover · 01/07/2020 19:20

It is. I hope he will make contact someday. I may remind him of the guilt and remorse that he feels. I'm not sure .

orchardlover · 01/07/2020 19:29

Thanks . I'm
Sure you can see @Emmie12345 why I thinkI should not contact him anymore.

Emmie12345 · 01/07/2020 20:26

I think you have to focus on you , @orchardlover now

How did you meet if you don’t mind me asking ? Do you have mutual friends ? Maybe it’ll be easier than you think now you have decided to let go ?

orchardlover · 02/07/2020 06:22

@Emmie12345 , we met online through shared interest. Due to family circumstances, covid etc we saw each other once per week. We spoke and messaged for hours each evening.we both acknowledged how fortunate we were to click and find each other.
We don't have mutual friends.
I feel so sad this morning, for so many reasons.
I also feel rejected and hurt despite knowing or believing that his lack of contact is nothing to do with me , but I think it's time to silently say goodbye and never expect to hear from I'm again. Poor man.

Emmie12345 · 02/07/2020 10:26

Oh I really feel for you @orchardlover and can understand feeling rejected totally . It’s because he has nothing to offer you, not because of anything you have or haven’t done .

So sorry - maybe things will turn around but you can’t stay in limbo def . Wish I could give you a hug. Have some

orchardlover · 02/07/2020 10:41

Thanks. He has nothing to offer and I know that I wouldn't not have the skills needed to support such a complex situation when he won't get treatment or counselling.
The one thing there is is time.
And time can be wonderful.I need to move on now and invest in my own life and enjoy it to it's full.
Maybe someday he will contact me again, if only to acknowledge these awful and sad times. I'm not confident of that though.

Emmie12345 · 02/07/2020 10:44

I think you are being v wise, although it is sad . Now you can start to move on - uncertainty is a killer

orchardlover · 02/07/2020 10:55

It is how I imagine ghosting feels. I have to keep reminding myself that his lack of contact is due to his devastation and not anything I've done wrong . It can be difficult

Emmie12345 · 02/07/2020 11:27

Yes keep reminding yourself . So hard. Pm me if you want x

orchardlover · 02/07/2020 14:09

Thanks so very much.

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