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AIBU?

PTSD/Depression after trauma/ sudden death.

67 replies

cordialqueen · 16/06/2020 11:19

Posting for traffic really but does anyone on have experience of this or supported a SO who experiences this .
I supposeI am what the day to day reality felt like and what helped . If it lasted long and how your your SO feelS right now .
Thank you for reading .

OP posts:

Report

Emmie12345 · 30/06/2020 20:02

@orchardlover how are you ?

This really resonated with me as I have big stuff after the sudden death of a parent

I hope you’re doing well x

orchardlover · 30/06/2020 21:31

Hi @Emmie12345 . Thanks and I'm
Sorry you're going through a terrible time too.
I have sent him a message basically telling him that he is in my thoughts and willing him well. I told him that there was no pressure from me and he didn't need to reply. It looks as though he has not read it but I believe he has. His read receipts are off , and he hasn't responded so I've put him in a mental box and let him go.
I struggle with sending him irregular messages tomsay I am thinking of him and then not contacting him , which make me feel bad and uncaring. I believe that he is depressed and him shutting everybody out is a sign of this together with other typical symptoms.
My friends believe I should let him go , save my self Respect and send a text now and again but with no response and not even acknowledging that the text is read, it tells me rightly or wrongly, that he does not want my support or contact. I know it is not personal but sometimes it really feels like that.I am desperstly sad about it all.

Emmie12345 · 30/06/2020 21:47

Hi @orchardlover

How long have you been together ? Are you in love with him and he you? Before this trauma I mean?

Who did he lose , a parent ?

I would urge you not to take it personally - a sudden death can be like a bomb blowing up your life. Sounds like he’s in massive shock.

You sound lovely - don’t desert him I would say at first read of it xx

Doryhunky · 30/06/2020 21:50

E m d r worked for me after just a few sessions. Hard to explain how it worked but it did.

MinnieJackson · 30/06/2020 21:56

Yes, my husband and I both diagnosed after a sudden death. I've had therapy, he hasnt. It's difficult but we manage to get by and pick up the slack for each other if one of us is having a really bad day. It's hard to say or explain more which I assume you understand x

orchardlover · 30/06/2020 22:03

I guess I am learning about this every day.
We are only together a short while but long enough to know that we had a future even if it was not to last forever. His trauma is complex as there are many negative associations for him including remorse and regret. It seems that he has had many crises that have never had time to be resolved and now it has all come tumbling in together. He is shocked and deeply traumatised and I'm not sure there is anything more I can do. Any advice appreciated. Thanks.

Babesinthewud · 30/06/2020 22:05

How old is he OP? No idea about PTSD but I assume it’s possible to get it after the sudden loss of a parent especially if they were young.

FuckinGoddess · 30/06/2020 22:09

Hi OP. How old is he? Who did he lose? Are there children involved?

Emmie12345 · 30/06/2020 22:14

I had it after the sudden loss of my father

Terrible time

Op just be there - can you just go and be with him quietly and in support? Write to him? Just let him know you’re there . Walking literally was all I could do initially , walking constantly !

orchardlover · 30/06/2020 22:15

He is 51. It his his ex wife who died tragically in a car crash and he has young kids.

Babesinthewud · 30/06/2020 22:19

Oh dear me that is really difficult. I thought you were going to say a parent but the loss his children mother would impact him from the perspective too. Obviously it must be difficult for you too.

I hope someone can offer better advice OP at this very sad situation for you all

Emmie12345 · 30/06/2020 22:24

Oh Jesus that is horrendous

As someone who has had a sudden death and also who has an ex husband I can tell you he is totally and absolutely devastated

Emmie12345 · 30/06/2020 22:26

His poor poor kids and poor him. This will be a very hard road for you op but if you love him don’t desert him
Wheee are his kids ? Do you have any sort of relationship with them ?

Jesus poor man and yes ofc he is full of remorse and regret and grief and shock and guilt

orchardlover · 30/06/2020 22:30

It's a new relationship but one full of promise. I have no relationship with his kids. Our children don't know about each other.
I need to let go I think. There is nothing I can do to help. And he does not want help or support from me or anyone else.He functions through the day. That's all.

Emmie12345 · 30/06/2020 22:31

How long have you been together ?

Yes you are right that you can’t have the relationship that was unfolding (

You can have a different one but obviously would be really tough. I mean it depends how you feel - it you love him how can you not stick by him ?

Emmie12345 · 30/06/2020 22:32

You do have to think of yourself and your children too. But you don’t have to end it all now - just give him some space and make it clear you are here if he needs you ..

Emmie12345 · 30/06/2020 22:33

Shit am really sorry for you too @orchardlover what lousy luck for you as well

orchardlover · 30/06/2020 22:43

I dont want to end it , I want to pause it to allow him that time and space he needs to deal with this but that could take years.
He doesn't want to talk/ text/ meet so what can I do?
Do I love him? It's early days yet. Only some
Months in.I have very strong feelings for him and there certainly was a future, mutually.
I have sent many messages but neither outwardly read or responded to. Does that not tell me everything I need to know? I don't want to irritate him either.
I did not know her. Or their relationship.
Only what he has told me which is complex and terribly sad.

Emmie12345 · 30/06/2020 22:50

How long has it been since she died ?

I mean , presumably you have an ex too as you have kids - it would be absolutely devastating for the other parent of your kids to die. It won’t take years ,also remember men often close down rather than reach out when suffering .

Just keep ok getting in contact I would with him , remember it’s not personal and think what you would want from him if it happened to you - you’d want him to stick by you x

orchardlover · 30/06/2020 22:55

Thanks @Emmie12345 .
It's been only two months.from
Reading different forums, it is suggested that the bereaved/ traumatised person appreciates the messages and contacts even when they don't acknowledge or respond. Mentally it is causing me a lot of pain and anguish. I feel like I am not coping very well in my own life. It has shaken me very much.

Emmie12345 · 30/06/2020 23:02

Omg yes that’s so true - he’s literally in shock and yes ofc massive impact for you too

He’ll be totally focused on the kids with no room for anything else . Just be patient and quietly accepting that he has to process this. All you can do is be there when he reaches out for you. You can’t make it better . But I don’t think walking away would be any easier for you either . Take care of yourself - do you practice any yoga or running etc?

orchardlover · 30/06/2020 23:19

No. I need to distract myself. It's beginning to take over my mind.

Tillygetsit · 01/07/2020 00:03

I've had EMDR therapy for PTSD and it was surprisingly effective for me. I got it through a charity counsellor I googled and struck really lucky.
I know not all treatments work on all individuals but I'd tried CBT and mindfulness and EMDR was the only thing that worked. Good luck

orchardlover · 01/07/2020 00:09

I wish he would agree to any therapy. He wants to deal with this himself.but thanks

elliejjtiny · 01/07/2020 00:16

Me and dh both have ptsd from when our youngest son nearly died at birth.

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