To ask you to help brainstorm my midlife crisis

[firstmentat]

I know that mid-life crisis is usually spoken in the context of male behaviour in 40s - 50s (buying a motorcycle, joining the gym, all standard tropes), but I seem to experience something similar. It could be exacerbated by the lockdown but it feels now like I hit the wall and something just has to change. I was toying with planning how to change my life in this or that way, but so far nothing "clicks" to the extent that I immediately want it.

I am a mid-30 woman. I have an advanced degree in STEM area, and currently have a mid-range City job in the back office, reasonably well paid. On the other hand, it is quite full of drudgery and not very intellectually stimulating.

I am a single parent to two young children. The children's father is not very involved (financially or otherwise), he takes them sometimes out for a couple of hours on a weekend, but it is infrequent. He is starting a full-time medical school come September, and it looks like there will be even less help and definitely no child support. But he is very excited about the change, told the children that they are clapping on Thursdays "for him and other people who save lives". They started asking about the good things that I do for other people (I am away a lot, so I must be doing something exceptionally important... right?), and what can I say... constructing obscure spreadsheets?

I am foreign to the UK (and unable to leave currently due to the restrictions set by the children's custody), not very fluent in English, so some options will be naturally limited.

So far there are three broad areas that appeal to me: research (somewhere on the mathematics / biology boundary, maybe genetics), teaching (mathematics/ physics) or (don't laugh) off-grid homesteading.

Please just throw ideas and your thoughts at me. Or, if you had made a dramatic change to your own life as a mature adult, could you tell me how did you know that "that's it, I am definitely doing this?". I just feel like a tightly wound spring with this lockdown, very ripe for a change.

Don't react to their father
Work out what's important to you
And remember that raising two happy healthy children and putting a roof over their head is sufficient in the " being worthwhile " category

Don’t bench mark against their father. He sounds very unsupportive. I’m a researcher in academia and can not stress how miserable it is. No job security at all, constant shifting of the goal posts, no real prospect of promotion and on top of all that stuck in homeschooling hell for the foreseeable future.
I’m also thinking about making some radical changes to my career but I’m struggling to know where to start. I think figure out your passion and go from there.

Oh the irony of his behaviour. Agree with PP - be very sure this isn't a knee jerk reaction to him starting training. I'd also go to the teacher's bit of Mnet and have a read.

My suggestion would be get your shiftless ex to look after the kids for a week or two and use that time to do something for you. Maybe start roughing up your research project? Just try it on for a bit and see if it captures you.

It's hard to think about what you want when your every waking minute is given over to the care of others. Nice for him to have the liberty to retrain (although he sounds like exactly the kind of irresponsible vainglorious wanker who makes a bloody awful doctor but hey ho). When is your time for self-development?

Don't undervalue a well paid job. Have you paid for your house yet? Once that s paid off, then would be the time to consider retraining. I don't know about research, but I do know that teaching is very time-consuming and not great pay for the hours worked, and you may find that difficult with 2 small children. If you'd have enough money over for decent childcare then it's doable. From a challenge point of view, whilst school is worthwhile, you may be thinking of teaching undergraduates, and from what |I understand, finding fulltime permanent work in universities is difficult ( though maybe less so in STEM).
Look into finances very carefully before you make a change- there's drudgery and repetition in most jobs.
And yes, remember that raising two happy healthy children and putting a roof over their head is sufficient in the " being worthwhile " category.

Also I have had very data heavy slightly plodding jobs and the way I conceive it is to think about the end result it contributes to. So for example when I was doing very complicated literature searches as a medical librarian - alright my work was not thrilling but it was facilitating research which could be life changing. Where do your spreadsheets go?

Depends what level of study you're considering - MSc can be horrendously expensive, but I've recently been involved in a scientific PhD program, and surprised at the high level of financial assistance - but although generous, whether it would be sufficient to support a family is questionable.
Father sounds a twat if he's saying 'clap for me' and he hasn't even started the degree yet.
And because of twat tather, you're doing the important task of financially supporting your children - let them know that's what you're doing while their juvenile egocentric father is shirking his responsibilities.

Agree with pp about research being a v tough gig.

How about a science policy role, for a funding body, medical charity or professional society? Those roles generally need a science background. You'd probably have to accept a pay cut though.

Data science? Use your data skills but in a more interesting way. Sideways shift from what you are doing (Banks have data science teams) but it would then be easier to switch industry.

Sorry, not very fluent in English?

Your original post reads better than many British natives who post on Mumsnet. I think you may be short selling yourself in this respect.

May I just say I think you are very fluent in English, your OP is very clear and well expressed. (Hope that doesn’t read as patronising, it isn’t intended to be). Don’t do yourself down, you are a competent woman with a lot on your plate.

I agree with others if you can get a little clear head space it may help to clarify your thoughts, but it will work out. You are obviously keeping an open mind, so you will spot opportunities as they arise. Don’t be pushed by your children’s unthinking comments though, and I’m sorry that their father sounds like an unsupportive pillock.

Good luck. 😊

OP I am similar in that I am trying to find out what I want to do with my life. But my kids are older and you know what, in these crazy times I did if I died tomorrow what would I regret. Spending time with my kids, giving them the best chances in life, being there for them was the one thing that I know I did- that they are grateful for and that I will never regret.
On your deathbed you never wish you had spent more time at work. Plus your Ex is an idiot, don’t measure yourself against him. Whilst your kids may be asking what you do, just say I make sure my kids are loved and happy. I put a roof over your heads and make sure you have what you need. Your Ex can’t say that.
Going forward keep your job as it’s well paid and pays your bills. Decide what you would like to change to when your kids are older or things are more stable and start making plans. Do some training or volunteer or take up hobbies that you and your kids can all do together. You sound like a fab mum.

Yeah, don't be jealous of him, he may not get very far and if he is not very supportive of the children then I don't support him taking on medical school when a decent father would put them first. Don't be him. Be you.

Agree to not benchmark against daddy ! Fuck daddy
You have some very interesting skills
I feel the same but as a single mum I decided to focus on physical and mental health to start
But I feel similar

What you could do is keep a Diary , and write down in a daily basis
What you found interesting
What projects you enjoyed
What you did well
Something you did that you did really well
Articles you read that inspired you
Jobs or profiles you see that make you think ‘wow I wish I did that ‘ ?

I think getting clear on what’s out there and what thrills you can help inform the search

What adultier said.

You could look at the emerging bio data sector - software companies working with scientific data. Big companies like AstraZeneca are moving into this area as are a lot of start ups.

Maybe look up some of the 'top start-up' lists from organisations like Hello Tomorrow, CogX etc to see what newer companies are doing and how they could match up with your skill set and what you find interesting.

Your ex-DP sounds pretty useless on most counts. Could you get him to help out a little more before he starts his course? Take advantage while you can to give you a little bit of time to research possible job options.

Your offgrid option wouldn't be my cup of tea! But if you're serious I would say be pragmatic and have a back up plan in place for if you or the kids hate it.

How about something completely different? You mentioned homesteading... You could apply for an allotment? Get some chickens? Or of you have a garden, create some veg plots? I think this would be a good way of improving your life in a tangible way as well as giving your children useful skills and something to eat!

But he is very excited about the change, told the children that they are clapping on Thursdays "for him and other people who save lives"

He’s getting a bit ahead of himself! It must be maddening to be connected to someone so full of their own self-importance. I’m sure what you are doing is worthwhile just not very relatable for young children. If you are bored of course it makes sense to look for something more fulfilling regardless of your age. Investigate the possibilities but you sound more than worthwhile already!

Have you thought about getting a life coach or similar? I've not personally used one, although I have heard good things, if you get the right person. Sometimes you will see freebie offers for the first chat. It sounds as though you need to go through some exercises to find out what the best lifestyle would be for you.

Drill down into what your ideal day could look like. How much free time do you want? How much money do you need? What pace of life? What level of responsibility? Draw out your perfect day / lifestyle then see what fits into that best.

Really I think the lifestyle planning should come first and then job needs to fit into that / around that to enable it.

What good things do you do for other people??? You raise two children their dad can't be arsed to raise. You put a roof over their heads, care every day about them, make sure they have food, clean clothes, cuddles, baths, bedtime stories, birthday celebrations, days out etc etc. Tell them this. While daddy is being a big plonker hero, you are taking care of the children he forgot to take care of himself. Don't say that, but do make it very clear in a loving way that you work to provide a home they can live in with you, all together as a family and daddy doesn't. Make sure you don't undermine the value of invisible work done by women, or glamorise absent fathers.

A long time ago I left a very stressful but well paid job in London, sold my house and moved to the Shires. My pace of life was slower, I grew veg in my garden and took a less stressful (and much less well paid) job. I was 32 at the time. I have never regretted it.
You honestly sound as if you need a holiday somewhere peaceful to unwind, but of course, at this moment it isn't possible, but will be soon I hope. The last few months have just been a slog, and I am saying that as someone who still lives rurally and grows veg - you can have a peaceful lifestyle and still feel pissed off!
I always think that you only live once, and life is too short to spend time doing things you don't want to do. I moved out of London over 30 years ago and it has gone in a flash. If you want to change your life do it, no one is going to change it for you.

If that is typical of your ex’s behaviour your self esteem must have taken a hammering. He runs off to be a saviour whilst you are left supporting yourself and the children.

What is your end goal? If your goal is to secure yourself financially as quickly as possible then number crunching in the City is as good a way as any.

If you want to move into STEM then their must be huge amounts of data crunching going on in relation to COVID.

What is your mother tongue? Would there be any opportunities in scientific translation or similar?

I think your English is superb.

I also think all of those areas of interest have their own pros and cons. The homesteading is going to be difficult with two small children, but perfectly possibly once they're older - at university/college or whatever. Time passes very quickly, so that is a dream to hold on to for the future (I too have a similar longing).

In the meantime, investigate the genetics research idea, and the teaching. Talk to people about it, see how it might work in practice etc. If you went for teaching and it didn't work out, could you go back to the genetics research, for example? Or would it be better to start the other way around - go for the genetics research and if that was unenjoyable, move into teaching?

You'd have absolutely no trouble getting onto a teacher training course by the way, and maths/physics teachers are very sought after.

When have you been the most happiest in your life, and what about what you were doing made you feel that way?

If you shut your eyes and imagine the best thing you could be doing in five years time, what would it be?

Raising your kids is something with meaning though and it must be really hard work for you as a single Mum who works.

I plodded on with a job I liked, paid enough and was reasonably well-suited to for 20 years.

I always wanted to do something else but felt trapped. Recently the opportunity came up whereby I've had the time and money to try something else. It was just the right time (at last!).

Your time will come but don't underestimate the stability your job gives you in the meantime.