To ask you to help brainstorm my midlife crisis

[firstmentat]

I know that mid-life crisis is usually spoken in the context of male behaviour in 40s - 50s (buying a motorcycle, joining the gym, all standard tropes), but I seem to experience something similar. It could be exacerbated by the lockdown but it feels now like I hit the wall and something just has to change. I was toying with planning how to change my life in this or that way, but so far nothing "clicks" to the extent that I immediately want it.

I am a mid-30 woman. I have an advanced degree in STEM area, and currently have a mid-range City job in the back office, reasonably well paid. On the other hand, it is quite full of drudgery and not very intellectually stimulating.

I am a single parent to two young children. The children's father is not very involved (financially or otherwise), he takes them sometimes out for a couple of hours on a weekend, but it is infrequent. He is starting a full-time medical school come September, and it looks like there will be even less help and definitely no child support. But he is very excited about the change, told the children that they are clapping on Thursdays "for him and other people who save lives". They started asking about the good things that I do for other people (I am away a lot, so I must be doing something exceptionally important... right?), and what can I say... constructing obscure spreadsheets?

I am foreign to the UK (and unable to leave currently due to the restrictions set by the children's custody), not very fluent in English, so some options will be naturally limited.

So far there are three broad areas that appeal to me: research (somewhere on the mathematics / biology boundary, maybe genetics), teaching (mathematics/ physics) or (don't laugh) off-grid homesteading.

Please just throw ideas and your thoughts at me. Or, if you had made a dramatic change to your own life as a mature adult, could you tell me how did you know that "that's it, I am definitely doing this?". I just feel like a tightly wound spring with this lockdown, very ripe for a change.

I know how you feel, OP. I think having the burden of sole financial responsibility makes you feel more trapped in doing something you don't really love. It must be difficult to see your children's father just following his dreams.

I am also solely responsible for my family's finances (for different reasons). I'm late 30s and have been thinking about changing careers for a few years but ultimately I know that's not viable right now - I'm simply too far down the path to change at this stage of my life. I can't take a pay cut and I can't leave London (workwise) as my job just isn't valued or the same elsewhere. I also couldn't cope with the insecurity of starting a new job in a, new field with a family to support on my own. I've come to terms with that, I work for a lovely company and I am valued, well treated and paid well, so it's not all bad just a bit dull. Since WFH, I think I need more flexibility in my life, so I'll be looking to continue working one or two days a week from home once we eventually all go back. Sometimes even a slight change will do for the moment.

OP it sounds like you're doing a fabulous job bringing up the kids alone and working. I know it's hard not to but ignore your ex, he sounds like a right prat. (Wonder if he'll have the drive to complete medical training, it's bad enough doing it in your 20s).
Personally I would keep your current job for now because job security is worth a lot as a single parent with young children. The job market is goung to worsen in the short term i would think.
Maybe plan for a change when they are older.
Do you have a mortgage or are you intending to ever?

I also have sole financial responsibility for DD (well, her dad contributes a mighty 30 quid a month, which doesn't cover school lunches). I'd like to do something more exciting career-wise, but at this point I feel I can't add more upheaval. I see it as my 10-year plan, and in the meantime, I'm thinking about what it might look like and ways to prepare myself.

I agree with all others - Your English is perfect.

As much as l have had made some changes during lockdown, l think at this moment, job security is very important so if l was you, l think l would sit right until we are comfortably through the other side (unless you already said that, apologies if you did). I have done a crappy shop job since my daughter was born but it served a purpose because l have been able to spend lots of time with her. Now she is a bit older, l have been able to get a better job which l plan to do until l retire - not saying don't better yourself but if you are in a position you can work and manage the kids, there is plenty of time for change when they are less dependent- you are still young!! Good luck xx

@firstmentat - what makes you say that about your English?

Thank you for all your kind responses. I will start making my way through answering everyone, if I miss someone's reply it is not intentional - I really do appreciate all the input.

Re the homesteading, do your custody arrangements allow for you to take the kids to the back of beyond? It sounds miles the most fun. Could you afford to be minus an income while you made yourself as sustainable as possible? Can you do any work as a freelancer from home if that home is miles from anywhere? Have you any experience? I’d aim to write a diary of the first years and turn it into a book.

And remember that raising two happy healthy children and putting a roof over their head is sufficient in the " being worthwhile " category
This is absolutely, 100% true. I don't know why I don't seem to be satisfied with being just a mother. It is not even like I have a massive burning ambition to do something specific, just feels like I need to change something.

I’m a researcher in academia and can not stress how miserable it is. No job security at all, constant shifting of the goal posts, no real prospect of promotion and on top of all that stuck in homeschooling hell for the foreseeable future.
That does not seem too dissimilar to my current job, to be honest. Miserable is probably not the right word, but job security is also not something that the industry is known for.

Agree with PP - be very sure this isn't a knee jerk reaction to him starting training.
It probably to a large extent is, and I am ashamed to admit it. I do envy his freedom and the ability to follow his dreams. Not that I don't love my children and would prioritise their interests in any case, of course I do. And I know how shallow this sounds.

My suggestion would be get your shiftless ex to look after the kids for a week or two and use that time to do something for you. Maybe start roughing up your research project? Just try it on for a bit and see if it captures you.
He definitely won't do that, but in general maybe taking some time off to solidify my thinking is a good idea (a short term nanny or something). As many others, I am drowning in housework, homeschooling, trying to do my job on top at some ungodly hour, which just adds to my current feeling of borderline failing.

Don't undervalue a well paid job. Have you paid for your house yet?
No, not paid off yet (roughly 60% through). The house is under a mesher split and will have to be sold anyway in approx 10 years (with equity shared between me and my exH), so I am not too enthusiastic about paying off the mortgage early.

Where do your spreadsheets go?
Eventually, they feed into a couple of numbers in the regular reporting (regulatory, annual etc.) of an insurance company.

Depends what level of study you're considering - MSc can be horrendously expensive, but I've recently been involved in a scientific PhD program, and surprised at the high level of financial assistance - but although generous, whether it would be sufficient to support a family is questionable.
I was thinking of a PhD.

How about a science policy role, for a funding body, medical charity or professional society? Those roles generally need a science background.
I don't have a pure science background as such (my degree and postgrad is in Mathematics). When I think about any scientific further study, there are two areas that generally interest me and where I am following some pop science blogs - physics and computational biology.

Hi @firstmentat. He may have got ON the course. Doesn't mean he's going to pass. A lot of medical students start out as the big "I am" and find that their expectations are very different from reality.