Blocking a mentally unwell relative

[Eastie77]

Dsis was diagnosed as bi-polar (apologies if that is not the correct terminology) several years ago and has been hospitalized many times since. There is a quite a large age gap between us and we have never been particularly close but we have always got on fairly well.

About 3 weeks ago she was hospitalized after another manic episode. Last week she sent me a particularly unpleasant text message. Amongst other things she said she has hated me since I was young, called me a pathetic, evil parent and said that she would be calling social services on me immediately as she heard I was taking the DC to visit our parents soon. She is accusing our dad of sexually abusing our two brothers (neither of them have ever said this happened). It was truly hate-filled.

What I found particularly unforgivable were the comments she made about my DC, using vile racist language to describe them (I am Black and DP is white). I can’t move past this. I know she is mentally unwell but something about the message tells me that what she is writing is what she has truly feels. Some of the comments were so specific and clearly articulated, I really don’t think it is entirely the illness talking. I actually find it unnerving that she has stored up this level of hatred against me over all these years. My brother has said I have to just let it all go as she is unwell and she has insulted him during her episodes as well.

I can't shrug it off. I have blocked her number. AIBU to just leave it blocked for now? I am in a very stressful situation at the moment juggling work and DC at home and I don’t feel I can cope with any more of these messages, I really need to protect my own well-being. We are also moving home soon and I do not want her to know where I live. She has used my name and address in the past to attempt to fraudently get credit (adding as I don't want to drip-feed about the issues).

I wonder how many of the people saying to block her have shared social media statuses about being ready to listen, and how good it is to talk. about mental health problems

This is the reality of mental health problems. It sounds like she is saying whatever she can think of that will hurt you most, which does not necessarily mean that this is what she thinks.

You are in a no-win situation and I really feel for you. Could you block her temporarily now, and then talk to her when she is in a better period about what she thinks is fair in this situation?

I have a good friend who has a Dx of BiPolar, and Schizoaffective disorder. He has Psychotic breaks. 1st Dx aged 18, now 70. Refuses meds so is sectioned every so often. And so it goes on.

My experience with him is that he 'remembers everything he says and does to everyone' is 'hugely selfish' and' cares not a whit for how his behaviour affects others'. These are his words not mine.

I have had to pull back for my own MH which is affected when I am in his orbt / under his 'gaze'. I supported him through his last 2 sectionings (although he has both a wife AND a romantic partner).
Never again. Whether it is 'the illness' or not the effects can be the same on an 'outsider'. And, it can be more than just a bit of anx/dep.

It must be awful for you to experience this horrible message from your ds. As she is very ill, I would let her know how loved she is, but step back for now. You don’t need to tell her you’re stepping back as that would be horrible for her. Write her a letter & stay in touch that way. All the best

I wonder how many of the people saying to block her have shared social media statuses about being ready to listen, and how good it is to talk. about mental health problems.

Me, never. Precisely for this reason. I try to be sympathetic to mental health issues, I have them myself, but I don't want to give the impression that I'm prepared to put up with, for example, racism, threats, insults to my parenting and credit identity theft. Because I'm not. And I won't judge anyone else who isn't. I'm not qualified to deal with that kind of thing and when it's a person to whom I'm not especially close anyway, I'm not obliged. Neither is OP.

My sister blocked me during chemo last year when I was having a particularly hard time with steroids! I have never really forgotten it!

@gib1973

My sister blocked me during chemo last year when I was having a particularly hard time with steroids! I have never really forgotten it!

That's rather different! I hope you're better now.

I couldnt possibly tell.. there are too sides to every story, i say that because.. bipolar does not mean someone is insane, and narcissistic people exsist aswell.. and they can cause alot of shit for people too..exagerate situations make someone else look much worse than they are etc, not making assumptions but that is why i couldnt just assume what you say is right or not, you are saying your version of events, yes she sounds hateful towards you, and i dont condone that but only know what you have told us.. dont know you or your sister or your family, the history of the family at all so you got to make the call whether to block her or not, people will obviously side with you but they dont know you at the same time..

two not too

My last post was deleted by MNHQ.

Very sincere apologies for inadvertently causing offence by clumsy post.

I would like to explain that I was quoting the phraseology of funnylittlefloozie in her post @20:12 yesterday - which is still posted and therefore also needs removing.

Many of us have endured repeated actions that are in fact crimes and would have involved the police and the criminal justice system if these were not our relatives.

It’s challenging to consider that their “out of control words and actions” where “the illness was talking” - is just random word salad that could be aimed at any random person in the street when the words and incidents are chosen and sustained, plotted, targeted and manipulated to hurt one specific individual very personally and deeply.

When there is no opportunity to respond because the situation will escalate you feel very powerless, hopeless and helpless. At these times it’s appropriate to block to protect your own MH from further abuse IMHO.

Yanbu to back off and block but i would write a letter as others have mentioned.

What is your sister like after these episodes? Apologetic and mortified? Or do you pretend they, and the hateful things, aren't mentioned?

@Gutterton well said. It makes no difference what the circumstances are - the outcome is the same. To tolerate it is to cause yourself harm and regardless of whether they are family or not that's the only thing that matters.

It's amazing what people get away with that's within the law - especially when people can go to jail for not paying their tv license (Perhaps changed now?).

Families can be so sick because parents and siblings want you to put up with it - but I'm sorry that's just not how it should be.

No contact, and never look back until (and if) there's a long standing change, sincere apologies and acknowledgement to everyone that they did it. Which I have to say is usually extremely unlikely.

The other thing to consider is the sort of rules HCP's work with.
(Ideally) they have training, qualifications, experience, supervision and access to professional support if needed as it is a stressful job.

If you are 'simply' a family member or friend, and have no training / supervision / professional support and are trying to support someone without ALL this but with the tie of family loyalty / affection of friendship it can be very difficult indeed.

There are support groups out there for families / friends of those who suffer from MH conditions which can be worth exploring, for your sake and theirs (so you can potentially support again in future)

What I found particularly unforgivable were the comments she made about my DC, using vile racist language to describe them (I am Black and DP is white). I can’t move past this. I know she is mentally unwell but something about the message tells me that what she is writing is what she has truly feels. Some of the comments were so specific and clearly articulated, I really don’t think it is entirely the illness talking. I actually find it unnerving that she has stored up this level of hatred against me over all these years. My brother has said I have to just let it all go as she is unwell and she has insulted him during her episodes as well.

I think it is interesting what your brother has said which also echo the comments from vodka - family may subconsciously want you to absorb the abuse without question because it actually protects them. Whilst there is one sole recipient of the obsessional fixation (you - the scapegoat) then others in the family are out of the firing line. It’s

Sorry didn’t finish....

It’s additional pain if the other members of the family stand back and are not supportive for fear of being the next target - leaving you in a very lonely and exposed place.

Oh yes that's very true! I was thinking more wanting to 'keep the family together' but I can absolutely tell you that other people are saying to themselves "if it's her it's not me". While you are getting a kicking she's also demonstrating very clearly to them that if they cross her they will be next as well.
So they have a lot of motivation to keep the status quo/keep out.

That's the sort of shit my narcissistic ex biz partner used to do to keep everyone in line. Be really nasty to me in front of them, thus demonstrating
A) his perceived power over me - therefore making it clear that I had no authority
B) what he would do to them if they stepped out of line.
I have the business now and he has nothing.

But this is personality disorder stuff not bipolar. All calculated carefully under the guise of losing their control because you made them/they can't help it.

Would you sis say that to a 6 ft 5 black male relative? No.

You should never be the victim to keep other people safe/keep them out of it. Let them ducking deal with it if they are that keen.

@Gutterton yes, that's exactly it. The comments were so highly targeted and personal it is difficult for me to believe they were the illness talking. If they were just random rants, fair enough. However they were very, very specific. The more I think about it the more I'm convinced she meant every word. She will remain blocked for the foreseeable future.

I doubt she will be mortified when she recovers. This is actually the first time she has actually targeted me in this way but I know she has never apologised or shown remorse in between episodes after she has attacked others. She has stolen money habitually (from work, family) since she she was young and has never once expressed an ounce of remorse.

I suspect her diagnosis is a lot more than bipolar - she's just not admitting it. The stealing and lack of remorse show me that whatever she has underneath it all she's just an unprincipled and nasty woman.

Manipulative too I should think, with everyone feeling sorry for her. I think you might need a really good story for the rest of them as to why you are NC that doesn't give her a way to ostracise you from the rest. Something that puts you above reproach - 'my therapist said for the good of my own MH kind of thing'?

OP I'm glad you have taken steps to protect yourself, your and your DCs' well-being is important too and it sounds she was very hurtful in what she said

but she must think these things subconciously at least. There is no way the level of detailed..

I just want to say it will upset you to go over what she said trying to guess what she has always thought, or meaning in it, because there is the possibility it genuinely is the illness talking twisting her thoughts and she may not mean it nor think that when she's well.

People can say coherent sounding things when unwell, it's really only those who are actively psychotic (or other such severe thought disturbance disorders) that would say a jumble of words. It's far more common for how I've described it. That's why some PPs (hi to them!) have made same point.

Well I'm very shaken after now finding out she sent an awful message to our cousin who lost a baby at a very late stage recently. 'D'sis made reference to the condition that led to the baby's death and made detailed comments about the illness and the fact that my cousin caused this. The fuck is this just poor mental health talking. She could not have made these points without researching the illness and carefully plotting her comments.

Her illness might explain the verbal outbursts but it doesn’t excuse it.

Your MH and feelings are equally as valid as hers.

Do whatever you need to to mentally detach from the content of her words (because they are calculated to cause maximum hurt IME) delete the content and have a replacement happy vision if any intrusive thoughts or ruminations enter your head. And emotionally and physically protect yourselves. You need to actively choose not to take this personally on board. It doesn’t belong to you, it’s like someone throwing you a hot coal - you need to ensure you don’t catch it and do everything to barricade against further onslaughts.

Getting drawn into the content will wound and haunt you. It’s v toxic and traumatic.

Don’t feel guilty about cutting contact and blocking for now. Assume you are a trigger - so you are in fact doing her a favour by keeping out of her way. Also your own DCs and family unit need YOU emotionally present for them, not drawn into this and ending up ill as well. Damage limitation.

Eastie77
How difficult for your poor cousin to receive that message.
Well, you know it is not 'personal' now, if she is doing it to others too.
I'd block for your own well-being.
I hope she gets some help.

@Eastie77

Well I'm very shaken after now finding out she sent an awful message to our cousin who lost a baby at a very late stage recently. 'D'sis made reference to the condition that led to the baby's death and made detailed comments about the illness and the fact that my cousin caused this. The fuck is this just poor mental health talking. She could not have made these points without researching the illness and carefully plotting her comments.

You know something, OP, even if it is the illness talking, nobody has to put up with that. If she really is a good person when she's herself, she'll understand why people weren't prepared to subject themselves to her abuse over and over again. It's not as if it aids her recovery to enable this kind of thing.

'It's not as if it aids her recovery to enable this kind of thing'

YES - that was why I stepped back from my dear friend, when ill, after 30 years. I thought I was helping, he told me I was helping. But, actually, it just delayed Sectioning and caused me a lot of anguish.

I appreciate that your situation is slightly different OP. But even so
sometimes, one can be 'too kind' for one's own good and others too.