Blocking a mentally unwell relative

[Eastie77]

Dsis was diagnosed as bi-polar (apologies if that is not the correct terminology) several years ago and has been hospitalized many times since. There is a quite a large age gap between us and we have never been particularly close but we have always got on fairly well.

About 3 weeks ago she was hospitalized after another manic episode. Last week she sent me a particularly unpleasant text message. Amongst other things she said she has hated me since I was young, called me a pathetic, evil parent and said that she would be calling social services on me immediately as she heard I was taking the DC to visit our parents soon. She is accusing our dad of sexually abusing our two brothers (neither of them have ever said this happened). It was truly hate-filled.

What I found particularly unforgivable were the comments she made about my DC, using vile racist language to describe them (I am Black and DP is white). I can’t move past this. I know she is mentally unwell but something about the message tells me that what she is writing is what she has truly feels. Some of the comments were so specific and clearly articulated, I really don’t think it is entirely the illness talking. I actually find it unnerving that she has stored up this level of hatred against me over all these years. My brother has said I have to just let it all go as she is unwell and she has insulted him during her episodes as well.

I can't shrug it off. I have blocked her number. AIBU to just leave it blocked for now? I am in a very stressful situation at the moment juggling work and DC at home and I don’t feel I can cope with any more of these messages, I really need to protect my own well-being. We are also moving home soon and I do not want her to know where I live. She has used my name and address in the past to attempt to fraudently get credit (adding as I don't want to drip-feed about the issues).

By blocking her you are standing up for and protecting your dc. Why would you ever consider having her around them again. If so, then why do you want to unblock her.

How is she with you in between episodes? Back off, let her husband and mental health team know and you can be available for her when she is ready.

Yes you need to block her for now for the sake of your own mental health.
It doesn’t have to be forever, you don’t need to make a ‘set in stone ‘decision about it at the moment.

She really really doesn't mean them, an ill brain does say all kinds of shit and it can be very targeted.

I have said some terrible things to people when I'm depressed, making it clear I've meant them forever and ever, and then when I'm well looked back and thought WTF, those were vile things to say. And I do not have an illness nearly as severe as bipolar.

Block her for now as she is too much for you to deal with. You can make a decision later if you want to have contact again with a lot of boundaries in place.

"The things she are saying are targeted and hurtful. Being mentally ill doesnt mean you are mentally deficient. She knows what she is saying."
That is not necessarily true. Many people with severe mental ill-health have a lack of insight while others have insight.

What Spartacus said, write a letter explaining you are taking a step back and you love her.

My ex had bipolar and was a total and utter bastard when not on meds. Said horrible nasty evil things that had me on the verge of suicide. I was depressed and hurt. I felt like I didn’t deserve his pent up wrath. There were times I thought the easiest way out was to run my car into a wall. And then I got a grip and told him to get to the GP or we were through as I couldn’t take it any longer and was miserable.

He didn’t remember all he said and did once he was on meds. I will never forget it. I would never date anyone bi-polar again as I was so traumatised.

It was a load of untrue rubbish he was spouting when he wasn’t on meds. I think he believed it at the time and the anger and stuff aimed at me was real but his brain wasn’t working properly so he believed a load of crap. If it was true I could understand his hatred.

He was fine when back on meds.

Defo take a step back or you will end up depressed like me. Once she’s back on meds and is controlled you can consider next steps then.

That sounds awful @Elieza I'm glad you've come out the other side

Sounds just like my sister. Made up a load of stuff from our childhood, and always complains that she hasn’t had enough money from our parents while bullying them. Following with interest! I don’t call her anymore, but feel a real guilt about it

This sounds very similar to what I have been through in the past with my sister who also has bi polar.

In particular bad episodes she would send me and other family members very graphic messages, wishing us dead in horrific ways, threatening violence upon us and even threatened to burn my brothers house down with his kids in it when they had just bought their newborn son home.
I know that she adores her nephews and would never harm them but it doesn't stop it being scary and upsetting when she threatens it so I don't feel like we should have to just put up with it.

She also threatens suicide regularly when having an episode, making it hard for family members to just cut her off.

What I want to tell you though is after a
particularly bad period of time (where she actually spent a short time in prison in the end!) I did block her and not speak to her for a good year or so. Now I don't know if this is "morally correct" seeings as she was unwell and going through a bad time herself but I got to the point where it was affecting my own mental health and well being and I was also due to give birth to my first child who I was terrified she would say something nasty about (she uses the things that will hurt you most) and I blocked her on every possible platform. I had to be selfish as there was nothing I could do to help her and I needed to have a positive state of mind myself!

I honestly thought I would never see or speak to her again but it's been a few years now and she's actually been consistently "well" for the longest period I can ever remember and we are back to speaking. We aren't overly close but we can have a laugh at family gatherings and share funny things on Facebook with each other and she has met my son and been nothing but loving towards him.

If she ever reverts to the same behaviours I would never hesitate to block her again though. I think it did me the world of good doing that and I don't know how I would've coped if I hadn't done that and had to put up with the constant abuse instead!

Please don't feel guilty as you need to look after you too and it can be so mentally draining to put up with something like that for so long.
It may not necessarily be forever (it wasn't in my case even though I honestly thought at the time I'd never forgive some of the things

OP this sounds so difficult. Bipolar Affective Disorder can come with psychosis; including thought distortion, delusional beliefs and other symptoms. This may explain some of your sister's behaviour and is so hard for the affected person and their loved ones.

Your sister does not necessarily mean or think the things she has messaged you. She may never have thought these things when she is well. However, it is also okay for you to put in boundaries and not to communicate with her or not allow her to message you whilst she is unwell. You need to protect your wellbeing and your family's wellbeing. Wishing you all the best.

"Yes you need to block her for now for the sake of your own mental health."
This turn of phrase is trotted out quite often and shows that so many do not understand about mental ill-health. I know that struggling with the behaviour of someone with severe MH issues can be very difficult and stressful at times but it isn't blooming contagious. No-one is going to have mental ill-health as a result. Stress and anxiety, unless excessive, are not MH issues. They are part of life - normal responses to difficult situations that build resilience.

Very doubtful she means a single word of it.

But you have the right to put your family and yourself first. It is draining, coping with someone who gets that ill.

I'm so sorry you've received such awful messages.

It sounds like your family are large enough that someone else closer to her can be there, leaving you to keep your family unit safe and away from it.

That doesn't sound like I'll come across as I meant. I mean that you've two brothers as well, and presumably parents, to be there for her.

I have a very good friend with bi polar. She is one of the loveliest, most decent people ever. She has had a psychotic episode with me but it was all about her fear of something and though she wasn't in reality at that time she wasn't lashing out at me (or anyone). And never has to my knowledge.
So block dsis because she is a FUCKING nightmare. You're allowed to and you are not discriminating against her illness.

Bi polar is NOT a personality disorder @StarScream22. Borderline personality disorder which can look very similar but is a lot more dark IS. Bipolar is an illness that can be treated with medication. BPD is a very different game though can sometimes be treated with specific therapy. And of course may co exist with bipolar. So you could have both.

My sister has various mental health issues, and I've also been on the receiving end of her vitriol. Totally unprovoked, but it was the final nail so to speak. What she has done over the years has shattered my family into fragments. I've deliberately put some distance between us as I have has enough. She has battered my mental health to a pulp and I need to protect myself and my family. She bad mouths me to anyone who will listen but I have to block and move on - she only contacts me when she wants something anyway.
Good luck OP

@Vodkacranberryplease that’s literally exactly what I said

Hey OP. Absolutely do not feel bad for blocking her temporarily for your own mh and to protect your DC.

My aunt (mums younger sister) has schizophrenia and bi-polar. For the last 10 years or so she has made my mums life hell. On and off her meds. Sectioned at least 5 times. She has sent my DM so many vile texts. Blaming her for my GF’s death. Saying she’s ruined her life. Would be happier if my DM was dead. She’s said it all.

My DM never blocked her, always tried to help: and it’s come at a cost. She’s ended up nearly breaking down several times. She says it’s my aunts mh doing it and maybe that’s true. But she should have blocked her a long time ago. She didn’t give my aunt my number or my DBros number as she didn’t want her to harass us too. And it makes me wonder why can’t she do it for herself?

Stay strong OP and do as PP have suggested. Let her know you love her but you’re stepping back until she’s well again.

@TJ17 that is a good outcome. It would be nice to think that one day I will connect with Dsis again. It seems like a distant day at the moment but I am hoping she gets the help she needs and is put on the right course of medication long term

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite several posters have mentioned that their MH was adversely impacted by the physical/emotional abuse they suffered as a result of someone else's MH problems. Mental illness may not be contagious but it effects the family and loved ones of the person suffering to different degrees. I am already under work related stress at the moment. Receiving threatening messages out or the blue calling my DC horrific names is not helping my mental well-being. I'm sorry I'm not more 'resilient'.

So sorry you are upset and totally get why this is affecting your mh too. You are responsible for you, not dsis, so however much you love her, op, step back and 're engage at a time that's right for you, when you are strong enough, and have the capacity to deal.

No-one is going to have mental ill-health as a result. Stress and anxiety, unless excessive, are not MH issues.

Not true for me. My sister developed an obsessional fixation on me. I endured 3 months of v targeted, personal, malicious, violent, texts, emails and incidents before I blocked her after I developed PTSD which has almost incapacitated me.

She then conducted a smear campaign which I have been powerless to address with her directly as there are concerns for her v fragile mental health. My DH and DCs were also deeply hurt by these incidents.

I never responded to anything as I didn’t want to trigger anything and understood that anything I said would be twisted and weaponised against me. My mistake was to leave communication open for so long - in the hope that she would come round as this just exposed me to further escalated attacks.

I have no idea if she will ever settle and feel deep regret - or if she will continue ranting and raving about me on the many nights she gets drunk (according to my family).

I have no idea when this episode is likely to end and right now I am not ready for any approach from her as I am too hurt and raw.

My dad and aunt had a falling out about 15 years ago after she tried to get him fired and made up lies because we didn't attend her wedding, she also has 5 kids by 5 dad's all of whom she's accused of either abusing her kids or her, she's had social involvement, moves her kids all around the North when she's not getting her way in a certain area and is a heavy drug user. My parents blocked her and we have been warned since to avoid, about 6 years ago I briefly gave her a second chance and she was absolutely nuts, showed me and her kids her 'drug box' and was openly saying that's how she made her extra money, she was proud for never having worked a day in her life. We continued to block her after this as the rest of my family are nothing like her and all she does now is make new accounts every year to send us abuse, block and never look back. 😳

@StarScream22 my apologies! I misread!

Under some circumstances, OP, and depending on what she said, I might have said she wasn't herself and it was worth trying to put it past you for the sake of your relationship if it's good when she's well.

As it is, you're not especially close and I don't think you have any obligation to live with such vicious abuse and threats. I wouldn't subject myself to this.