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Original poster

To have had enough

34 replies

pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 17:32

First post but been watching the pregnancy threads for a while. My younger sister has just had a baby we are very close and speak often. The issue is my mum constantly makes comments and digs about this to the point that my sister lies about visiting me incase mum gets upset and starts the guilt trips

In the last week since the baby has been born it's gotten worse as she seems terrified that I might see the baby first or she might miss out somehow. I try hard to involve her in everything but it's never enough and she still invents some way to be the victim. She has slated me to anyone that will listen that I'm trying to push her out and take her new grandson away from her.

I can usually put up with a lot but my sister isn't even out of hospital with the baby yet so it just seems completely ridiculous. It's also made worse by the fact she turns up to see my daughter but feels like she's checking to make sure I don't know something that she doesn't. Well today I lost my temper and told her I was fed up of the petty jealousy and that I know everything's she's said. As expected she left in tears and has rang everyone to say how cruel I am how hurt she is.
I don't know how to best deal with it as I want to continue seeing my sister when she's home but I don't want to make it difficult for her with mum as she guilt trips her a lot. I also can't be bothered to lie anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 19:33

Bump

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2020 19:37

I would back way off from your mum for quite a while. She is being ridiculous and making your life a misery. She needs to know that you will no longer tolerate her petty bullshit. How dare she call up other people and slag you off to them? That's not what a loving mum does, ever. Keep in close contact with your sister and her baby, but leave your mother to it.

Norabird · 15/06/2020 19:37

She sounds very difficult. I don't know what the answer is tbh. I do know that you can't change her though, only the way that you and your sister react to her. Whatever you do I think it would be wise to agree with your sister on it so you have each others backs at least.

Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 19:46

Thank you for the advice, I don't think it helps that I am 35 weeks pregnant myself so I'm not feeling as resilient to her games at the moment. The last thing I wanted to do was fall out with her at the minute as my sister just doesn't need the hassle being in hospital with baby.

I just reached my limit I think it's not a new thing but I'm finding it exhausting now. I don't think she even realised she's doing it. Now she's messaging saying she won't be in touch with anyone of us again and goodbye as she's clearly a crap mum. Obviously now it's going to be my fault that this has happened and she's not going to see her grandson

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Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 19:48

I think the suicide threats will be next or at least going no contact from everyone so that they worry about her

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billy1966 · 15/06/2020 19:51

Your mother sounds awful and she is making your life miserable.

First off, well done for telling her how you feel.

Now step back and take some peace as a reward.

Do not contact her.

Tell your sister you are there for her, but you have told your mother some truths and that you want space from her.

This sounds like it isn't a one off.

Your mother sounds batshit.

I don't believe people ever have happy contented lives when they have people who behave as your mother does, causing constant drama.

It often only comes when decisions to be either Low contact or No contact.

Take a break from her nastiness and see how you feel.

Do NOT allow her to control your relationship with your sister.
Flowers

Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 20:00

I think I could deal with it if she was just saying that she would never speak to me again as to be honest it would be a welcome break. I'm finding it hard that because of me lashing out she's now saying she's taking herself out of my sisters life aswell and that's not want I wanted as that's my sisters relationship with her and her choice not mine to ruin. I feel like I've tainted the birth of my sisters first baby with all this crap now and that's the last thing I wanted

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2020 20:05

I feel like I've tainted the birth of my sisters first baby with all this crap now and that's the last thing I wanted

Stop right there. The only one responsible for this upset is your mother. Under no circumstances should you take any of the blame for her dreadful behaviour. It's about time she learns there are consequences for her manipulation.

Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 20:15

I wish the anger I felt earlier would come back, this guilt is awful

OP posts:
gamerchick · 15/06/2020 20:23

Ah but that's the point OP. Your mother has primed you from a young age to feel that guilt.

This is on HER, this is not your fault and it's about time she was stood up to.

Time to come out of the FOG. Let her stew, ignore the flying monkeys and concentrate on your impending arrival.

Her competitiveness is really werid. She's your mother!

Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 20:31

It is the competitive side that I find hard. Over the years this has included being competitive about my weight amongst other things. I actually play things down a lot I think so that she doesn't do it

OP posts:
Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 20:32

She has sent a similar message to my sister hinting at ending her life so know my sister is sat in hospital panicking that's she's going to do something stupid. The whole thing is a shit show

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2020 20:41

The suicide threat is nothing more than textbook manipulation. Ignore her. It's just her way to get a reaction from you, and she'll clearly stoop to any level to get it.

billy1966 · 15/06/2020 20:49

OP, you poor woman.

I appreciate you feel awful guilt.
Completely misplace guilt...

Your mother is an absolute disgrace.

How selfish can you be to do this to her sister having her baby.

If I were you I would contact her GP and tell the GP that she is hinting at taking her life.

I would also tell your entire family and make it public.

I bet you anything she would back so quickly away from this threat.

She is a nasty bully, used to getting her own way.

You would have to be some poisonous bitch to bring such stress onto your daughter at this time.

Go public and let everyone know exactly how she is behaving.

Such selfishness is unconscionable.

So sorry for both your sister and yourself.

You would be better off motherless than with someone like this in your life.

Flowers
Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 20:56

I honestly sometimes sit there and think my life would be easier without a mum at all but then feel awful for thinking it, it's reassuring to hear that I'm not awful for calling her out on it. I think my sister will still try and appease her as she's not quite where I am yet. I've lived close to mum since just before I had my daughter where as my sister lived further away. so I was the one that spent the most time trying to stop her feeling lonely. Inviting her to everything even though I think my husband saw through it quickly as he wasn't so keen to have her around

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Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 20:57

I'm rambling now but it's nice to get it all off my chest

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Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 21:55

@gamer@Aquamarine1029 I can see the manipulation but why does it work so well even when it's obvious

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Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2020 23:34

I can see the manipulation but why does it work so well even when it's obvious

Because you allow her to manipulate you. She can't manipulate you unless you let her.

Original poster
pinkgintears · 15/06/2020 23:45

@Aquamarine1029 I know it has gone on too long now and I'm practically sitting on my hands to avoid contacting her and trying to calm the situation. Hopefully it will get easier the more I ignore the behaviour

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Whataloadofshite · 16/06/2020 00:04

Your mother is not a nice person, and there is no law that you have to stay in contact with family that behaves like this. There really isn't. The guilt will pass. You're heavily pregnant so take care of YOU, your mother can fuck off.

Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 16/06/2020 00:18

"It sounds like you're thinking of harming yourself? I'll call 999 and get you the help you need. You've obviously been quite unwell for a while judging by your actions, especially over the past few months"

See how quickly she changes her tune

romdowa · 16/06/2020 00:34

Honestly if she makes threats to harm herself, I'd get the police to do a welfare check. The shame from that alone would probably put her off saying such a thing again.
Counselling is a great way to learn how to put and maintain boundaries with toxic family members, and of course support you through the upheavals that placing such boundaries can cause. You are not wrong here in the slightest

Original poster
pinkgintears · 16/06/2020 03:31

Thank you all for the advice it's calmed me down a lot. Although she hasn't directly threatened to kill her self, she dies make comments along that vein then turns her phone off so no one. I think I will ask the police to do a welfare check. Mainly because it will stop me from wanting to check she's ok and also I don't need to contact any other family and explain my actions in order for them to check either.

Deep down I know it's done to manipulate me, part of me still worries how far she will take these threats in order to punish me. She's quite fond of telling people I'm the heartless daughter that's harsh with no feelings. Which is laughable when I seem to be the one that's soft enough to keep putting up with it from her.

If she does something stupid whether I was justified in what I said or not she will succeed in making everyone hate me and I will be the bad guy so it's a lose lose situation I suppose

I am going to look into counselling now as I do think I need it now

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greystars11 · 16/06/2020 03:48

OP my mum is just like this. In my case jealous of baby's other grandparents for no reason. Also does the amateur dramatics and 'I might as well just go and kill myself', has also often been to the doctors and been put on anti depressants and then informed everyone that she's been 'driven' to do this.
I got therapy and also read toxic parents by Susan forward and another book about being a daughter of a narcissistic mother.
Standing your ground and staying calm are the biggest things, I found it so hard but now I just say things like 'I'm sorry you feel that way, let's discuss things when you are calmer' and I restrict the amount of information I give her and contact we have.
Things are so much better with the boundaries. Don't let this affect your relationship with your sister or your own new baby. Your mum is lucky she still has any relationship with you both and you need to remember that, it is actually you who has the power! Best of luck

Original poster
pinkgintears · 16/06/2020 03:59

@greystars11 thank you, it does sound very familiar. It's hard to ignore the threats sometimes as I can't imagine ever saying something like that for attention so I panic that she means it I suppose. Although history would suggest its empty threats. Then again I have never stood my ground this much with her so wonder what retaliation this will bring.

It's sad that it has to be like this and something a pp said rang true that I don't think she will ever be truly happy and that's really sad. There always has to be something that makes her life shit and it's always someone's fault. I wish she could see what she does have but after tonight's antics I can see that won't ever happen.

I think deep down I was hoping she would take in what I had said and snap out of this nonsense for my sisters sake aswell. I didn't even want an apology just wanted her to stop all the games

OP posts:
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