To have had enough

[pinkgintears]

First post but been watching the pregnancy threads for a while. My younger sister has just had a baby we are very close and speak often. The issue is my mum constantly makes comments and digs about this to the point that my sister lies about visiting me incase mum gets upset and starts the guilt trips

In the last week since the baby has been born it's gotten worse as she seems terrified that I might see the baby first or she might miss out somehow. I try hard to involve her in everything but it's never enough and she still invents some way to be the victim. She has slated me to anyone that will listen that I'm trying to push her out and take her new grandson away from her.

I can usually put up with a lot but my sister isn't even out of hospital with the baby yet so it just seems completely ridiculous. It's also made worse by the fact she turns up to see my daughter but feels like she's checking to make sure I don't know something that she doesn't. Well today I lost my temper and told her I was fed up of the petty jealousy and that I know everything's she's said. As expected she left in tears and has rang everyone to say how cruel I am how hurt she is.
I don't know how to best deal with it as I want to continue seeing my sister when she's home but I don't want to make it difficult for her with mum as she guilt trips her a lot. I also can't be bothered to lie anymore

Now is the time to access what you do and don’t want to expose your child too.
Because you know she’s going to make it a comparison and competition between the cousins.

You need strong boundaries with your mother. If she makes threats call for a wellness check and don’t engage her bullshit.

She's abusive and like all abusive people, she attacks even more when her victims are vulnerable.

This is in no way your fault. You need to drop down to the lowest contact you can. I had to go NC when I was pregnant and had a newborn. But that still had an impact on my MH.

You need to cut the people off who are telling you what she's saying, or make it clear that you don't want to know. It's doing you no good and you won't ever change that behaviour.

@Mypathtriedtokillme I am very aware and wary of the comparing of children. Mainly because me and my siblings have had a lot of this over the years. I have a dd who is 3 and I've become very aware as she gets older of my mums actions so have already limited contact and awful lot where she is concerned.

My mum seemed to adore her when she was a baby and it gave me false hope I think that she could be a better grandma than she was a mum. But she has become less interested as she's growing up and I am keen to protect my dd from feeling pushed out when the new babies are here. I have purposely not relied on her for childcare and she has not had my dd unsupervised for a long time. She doesn't seem to have even noticed so I suppose that says everything really

@Ponoka7 i think my only option now is NC did you find that you felt cruel for not letting her be involved with your child. I think I could easily cut her off if it was just me but find myself feeling guilty about the grandchildren side of it. Is she in your life now in some form and did it make any difference or is her behaviour still the same towards you ?

If she does something stupid whether I was justified in what I said or not she will succeed in making everyone hate me and I will be the bad guy so it's a lose lose situation I suppose

Why do you assume that? The vast majority of people aren't stupid. Most just want a quiet life, but sometimes it just takes 1 person to stand up to a bully and even then, when you hold firm, people adapt to the new you.

It took a long time to find a method that worked with my mother. Even still old habits die hard, the longer I don't see her because of the lockdown the harder it gets for her not to have a dig at me. But I have no issues shutting her down now.

When she threatens suicide and turns her phone off, send the police for a welfare check. I would hazard a guess it'll be the last time shell pull that stunt, especially when/incase people find out why.

Don't pander and hold firm. Sometimes it just has to happen no matter how uncomfortable it is.

I'm going to miss lockdown a little bit I think.

Your mother is a horror.

People like that add nothing to a childs life.

You need to protect yourself.

Telling your sister exactly how your mother behaves, now that she has moved close would be kind.

Let her know that you are there for HER but that you are taking time out from your mother and her constant drama.

She will poison and dominate yere lives and be a source of so much upset if you don't put very firm boundaries in place.

Make that welfare call.

@gamerchick thanks I think that's what it is, a lifelong habit of trying to avoid upsetting her ( or setting her off as my sister calls it) it's harder than I realised to break that habit. I'm proud of myself in the fact that I haven't caved and chased round after her. And as predicted she hasn't killed herself over night.

It still doesn't feel nice but I'm looking forward to the relief when the guilt subsides and fingers crossed a more peaceful life without the constant dramas

@billy1966 thanks for replying, my sister does know what she's like and recognises her behaviour is not that of a normal parent however I think because she hasn't been exposed to it as much recently, she doesn't yet have the anger I have towards her. I think she feels sorry for her more than anything. I have no doubt that now my sister is her mum herself it will give her a different perspective on it. I know that's when my eyes were opened to it more as I couldn't ever imagine putting my dd through some of the stunts she's pulled

Living so close and having that drama right in her face will probably still be a shocker for your sister.

However, she will have to do what's best for her.

All YOU can do is tell her you are voting with your feet and want to distance yourself from this toxic environment.

You can still be a sister and support to her, once she respects your decision.

On MN you will read how people embrace the peace of extracting themselves for such toxicity, and really thrive.

Give yourself that chance.
Save yourself and hope that your sister does too.