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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be this upset?

33 replies

SquigglyOne · 15/06/2020 05:47

Okay - long story so I’ll try to be as clear as possible.
My husband has two sisters - one older and one younger.
I’ll call the older one SIL A and the younger SIL B.
I’ve never been very close with SIL A and her husband but get on really well with SIL B
So myself and SIL A were pregnant at the same time and our babies were born 2 weeks apart. She had a girl and I had a boy.

I suffered quite badly with PND after DS was born which really affected my ability to bond with him. Luckily I’m a lot better now and can honestly say I love my little boy more than anything. However I do have feelings of regret that I was unable to bond with him in the early days and didn’t enjoy the newborn phase at all.

Anyway - my PND got to the point where I ended up having a breakdown and announcing to a room full of people that my baby was a mistake. He was not a mistake - he was a very much planned for and loved baby.

SIL B has recently told me that SIL As husband said to my relatives that the reason I was so upset was because “she wanted to have a girl”. At the time I found it funny and laughed it off, the man barely even knows me!! but the more I think about it the more it upsets me. I already feel extremely guilty about the thoughts I had towards DS in the beginning without someone else spreading lies like that.
Would you confront him? Or just let it go? Obviously with the covid situation I haven’t actually seen him since but the idea of having to interact with him again - knowing what he said and thinks of me - is really making me anxious.

OP posts:
Endless11 · 15/06/2020 05:50

Who were the roomful of people he said it to? It sounds like an unkind and very unaware/ignorant thing for him to say. Did your SIL tell you if any people in the room put him right?

Original poster
SquigglyOne · 15/06/2020 05:55

Family and close friends.
SIL B said she set him straight

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 15/06/2020 05:56

I would let it go.

The man and his views are irrelevant. If the room full of people were intelligent adults, it would have been perfectly obvious then and since, that you had the baby blues.

You aren’t close to this couple, what they think doesn’t matter. And you shouldn’t feel guilty. You love your ds and will give him a good childhood. That’s what matters Flowers

Sunnytimesahead · 15/06/2020 05:56

Hi OP,

I am sorry to hear about the PND and this thoughtless comment from your BIL. It is sad that you feel such guilt even though it is a medical condition and not something you can control. I hope you have the support you need and maybe consider counselling if not already. I'm glad you are feeling better now though.
Have you discussed with your DH how you feel about BIL's hurtful comment? I would feel like I needed to say something to BIL to clear the air if nothing else. But it might not resolve anything. It's a difficult decision to make, family dynamics as so complicated.

Original poster
SquigglyOne · 15/06/2020 06:05

Thank you @Mintjulia 😊

@Sunnytimesahead I have discussed with DH however he is much more laid back than me - he says I should just leave it however does agree it was a hurtful thing to say.

Bloody families hey?

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 15/06/2020 06:16

You’re right to be upset. It was a hurtful thing to say, imagine if your DS heard that you wanted a girl!

But, I would let it go. Mostly because he was set straight on the spot. So no misunderstanding is lingering. To go and confront him or stir it up now would actually make people wonder if there was some truth to it after all. It’s a wound that scabbed over, don’t pick at the scab. It will just make the whole incident more memorable to family members when you want it to just be forgotten about.

A small part of me is wondering whether he is the kind of person who is uncomfortable talking about mental illness and has a habit making inappropriate jokes? Because the comment sounded to me like it was a bad joke that fell flat that was intended to divert the conversation away from the sad reality of PND and how difficult it can be? What’s his personality? Is he very happy go lucky, unable to be serious, avoids anything sad/difficult?

Original poster
SquigglyOne · 15/06/2020 06:27

You could be right @PlanDeRaccordement - it’s probably best not to bring up something that I want to be forgotten about. Plus I don’t want to give any more weight to his comment.

From what I can gather he is very intelligent but lacks common sense. He’s the sort of person that likes to be the centre of attention and is very very confident. And you’re right - I don’t think I’ve ever heard him have a serious conversation

OP posts:
SteelyPanther · 15/06/2020 06:46

Please don’t waste any more time regretting those early days. No one can prepare you for the massive change to your life that a baby brings. Plus you had PND, you really have nothing to worry about.
Regarding the BIL, I’m the sort of person who would have to say something or it would just fester in my mind and become bigger.
He sounds like a right plonker. Perhaps the real problem is that he wanted a boy.

Igmum · 15/06/2020 06:50

I agree. He was put right at the time, plus, if he said this to close family and friends they will know that you're not close to him and that it really isn't true. Well done on your recovery OP and congratulations on DS Thanks

Pinkypink · 15/06/2020 07:19

I wouldn't raise it again. You know the truth.
Some people don't know how devastating pnd can be. Bil's comment reveals that clearly doesn't have any understanding of your experience or that he's a spiteful twat.
The main thing is you are recovering or recovered and you love baby. Enjoy your family and do your best to avoid the less supportive ones.

StopGo · 15/06/2020 07:21

SIL B isn't your friend. What an unpleasant bit of gossip to burden you with.

Original poster
SquigglyOne · 15/06/2020 07:30

Interesting thought @StopGo I had wondered what her motives were for telling me ...

OP posts:
TryingToBeBold · 15/06/2020 08:01

And unless you've gone through PND or Depression etc I dont think anyone could understand.
I feel if you do want to hold onto it it could be a chance to educate SIL A husband about what PND is, rather than jokingly assume its because you didnt have a girl.

butterpuffed · 15/06/2020 08:02

You said you get on really well with SIL B so I wouldn't start thinking she had a hidden agenda, OP. As it was a close friends and family group, she probably thought it would get back to you and it would be better to let you know what had been mentioned .

TryingToBeBold · 15/06/2020 08:02

It's hard to think about SILBs motives? If you were close.. would you rather she told you, or you maybe found out from someone else who was there that this was being said, you were being talked down about, and she hadnt told you?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 15/06/2020 08:08

SIL B isn't your friend. What an unpleasant bit of gossip to burden you with. Maybe, maybe not! I had a PoisonourSIL for 30 years. Much of what she said/did was too/at me but some of the worst was behind my back.

One friend, one I would not have considered a close friend, took me for coffee and told me some downright nasty shit PoisonousSIL had been saying. Friend wanted me to know as she couldn't imagine me walking into it blindly. It helped. I could pick up on small sniggering crap from Poisonous and deal with it directly!

At least now OP is aware that this has been said and can keep an eye out for comments that might be made in front of her DS... stop them or counter them.

Sometimes the person who shares shit with you does have your best interests at heart. OP will know whether that is SIL B or not!

JustC · 15/06/2020 08:10

I have the same regret as you about the first year of my boy's life, for the same reasons. Yes, what he said was hurtful, but quite alot of people don't get what PND is and how it affects you, and will spit out some idea they think it's all about. When my sis first got it, my mum sayd she's being spoiled. In time she understood better. I would let it go, unless you are willing to open up an old wound for yourself and rehash this for god knows how long.

MaskOnBus · 15/06/2020 08:10

OP, you have had a rough ride I hope you have recovered and can be kind to yourself.

I'd absolutely not say anything. Perhaps your BIL was trying to diffuse the situation (or perhaps not) but don't go there. You mustn't feel guilty about your PBD but at the same time you have to acknowledge and accept that by announcing that your ds was mistake in a room full of people and other people felt perhaps triggered to say stuff that they didin't quite mean or wouldn't have said in a normal social situation.

I'd say move on from it and focus on getting better. Once you feel confident and not as vulnerable you might be able to make a reference to this in a stable and possibly lighthearted manner.

Porcupineinwaiting · 15/06/2020 08:14

I'm a bit confused OP - you announced to a roomful of people that your baby was a mistake, he told a roomful of people that you wanted a girl.

Was this the same people at the same event?

Original poster
SquigglyOne · 15/06/2020 08:55

Thanks for your replies everyone.

@Porcupineinwaiting - same people, same event - after myself and DH had left

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 15/06/2020 09:21

Thanks for clarifying OP.

I wouldn't say anything, I'm sure there was a fair bit of speculation about what was happening with you but I would hope it came from a place of concern. PND is more widely recognized now, so I doubt anyone took any notice of his opinion, esp if your SiL put him straight.

Please dont waste time in regret. Its wonderful that you are feeling better.

PlanDeRaccordement · 15/06/2020 09:50

Hello OP
Oh, if it was same people, same event
You blurted out that the baby was a “mistake” due to PND affecting you mental state. Then you and DH leave, so they naturally have to talk about your outburst and...
Then BIL says you “wanted a girl instead”
It sounds even more to me like a very bad joke at your expense/ illjudged attempt to defuse the tension. Especially since you say you’ve never seen him serious in a conversation.
Yes, I’d leave it be. I think if he’s known for being a cringe joker, then it is probably already forgotten by everyone else. Your DH can probably reassure you being his sibling. I’m sure he has many example where BIL has spectacularly put his foot in his mouth. Hearing from your DH other times might make you feel better about it too.

Waveysnail · 15/06/2020 09:54

Sil B shouldnt have told you. Bit stirring tbh

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 15/06/2020 09:54

@Igmum Where did OP say he was put right at the time?

Dougalthesyrianhamster · 15/06/2020 09:57

@SquigglyOne So he just made that up?! Angry I'm sorry I'd have to say something! He obviously believes it and unless he's corrected he could say something 'jokingly' to your DS in the future. Besides, I'd not want my BIL or the room full of people he announced it to, to think I had gender disappointment Hmm