To feel inferior to other mothers

[PLbee29]

Hi everyone
I'm a single mum of a reception child and a toddler and I've always struggled with feeling inferior to other mothers. Money is very tight and we live in an old flat, they have no contact with their father. Yesterday we went to the duck pond and I was surrounded by seemingly happy families, I won't lie, I am envious. I always wonder what it would be like to have a partner in raising the children. They all had lovely prams, clothes, etc whilst I can only afford secondhand at the moment. I know these are just material things, but it makes me feel inferior to them. I suffer from low self esteem and I suppose I'm asking if anyone has any tips on how to improve this? I have two healthy, beautiful kids. How do I stop comparing myself to others? :(

BY knowing there are no perfect families or situations. No matter the economics of having a supposed intact fact there are always issues. Concentrate on your own perfect family for you.

Aww, sorry to hear you feel this way. I know it’s hard, but remember comparison is truly the thief of joy.
If it is any comfort, I was brought up with a single mum who often struggled financially, but would still tell you I had the best childhood. That my clothes were hand me downs or charity shop bargains never mattered at all because having her love and attention made the difference.
We had days on beaches and in parks, she had a flask with coffee rather than cafes- and we never noticed. It was only when I was a lot older I realised how much she did with so little.
When you look at others remember for little kids that ‘stuff’ means nothing to them. Your time and your love means everything.
As a ps-1. research suggest that children who have less toys have better quality play than those who have many, and

1. not having expensive clothes means yours can jump in mud and puddles and generally have a fine old time while the people with the £50 trainers will be telling them to get out the mud!

And I was spoilt rotton but completely agree with a pp that I had the best childhood because of my parents' love and time and the time we spent with wider family. 'stuff', while excitedly received, was quite low down the list of what gave me a happy childhood.

That’s so hard feeling that way. Please know that many of the seemingly ‘perfect’ mothers will also feel the same way. There will be lots of others with insecurities, even the ones that you see with financial privilege. They will deal with feelings of low self confidence and then guilt as they should be happy etc.

Don’t worry about anyone else. Concentrate on the good things in your life and the things you are good at and proud of. Start telling yourself positive mantras; it’s true you’ve got to fake it to make it. Exercise is also good for mental health, walking, playing a sport etc although hard to start with will help too. Start by making small positive steps. Good luck.

I sympathise, OP, but you can never tell from the outside what someone else’s life is like. I’m a smiley, well-dressed MC mum so probably appear pretty confident/successful, yet I’m clinically depressed/anxious, have no confidence, and am permanently exhausted due to work, kids’ SEN issues, money worries, etc. Comparing yourself to anyone else is pointless - focus on your own beautiful family

You should judge parents by things like how much they love their child. I'm sure you love your child as much as the next parent.

awww, I think its always difficult in situations like that.

It might sound difficult but try to focus on what you do have sort of thing !

Also appearances can be deceiving, everyone has issues in their life that may not be apparent to the rest of us

Also, what Tornado says is so true - your kids won’t remember what pram they had, but they’ll remember having a wonderful, loving mum. That is by far the greatest gift you could give them!

My mum is a single parent and we weren't well off. I had such a happy childhood. I don't think back on my childhood and think of the things I didn't have. My mum is amazing, if anything I look back and wonder how on earth she did it all. Your kids need your love and attention more than anything else.

Plus all is not is at appears, there are plenty of pictures of my mum and dad with me as a baby, they looked happy but I can assure you that they weren't.

I'm in a 2 parent family and we have a decent house and financially we are doing well....I feel like a shit mum because I lose my temper regularly, no matter how much I know the 'right way' to parent, the moaning and whining just does my head in. I know I should emphasise but instead I ignore til I explode. I don't think young children care about material things as much as feeling secure and loved

Aww you poor thing, please try not to feel that way. One of the richest couples I know have the worst relationship, the mum lies to the dad about the kids achievements and they all live in fear of his disapproval. On the outside they all look happy and rich but they would be so much happier with just their mum. You are enough.

Sorry, this is quite long...

We are financially comfortable but I don't ever buy new toys/clothes if I can get stuff second-hand (even for birthdays/Christmas). For clothes, I don't see the point when DS grows so quickly. Also, he is a grubby little creature who spent most of today lying in the dirt in the woods making dirt angels. No way am I paying £30 for a Mini Boden jumper for him to do that...So I buy most of his clothes in second-hand bundles from ebay. Try to aim for around £2 max per item.

Similarly, I see no point adding to the plastic problem by buying toys new so we get most of DS's toys second-hand from ebay/charity shops - brio bits and pieces, dinosaur collections, toy animals, wooden puzzles, bundles of books. They don't cost much and we have a wonderful train track, 'dinosaur world' and we're making a farm out of cardboard boxes at the moment. Because I don't pay much for them, I don't mind if toys end up in the sandpit or bath or get taken out to the woods.

His pushchair was new a few years ago (part of a travel system) but is so unbelievably grubby and filthy now from being dragged through the woods/pram picnics/rail trips...It's a cumbersome thing and a complete disgrace and I do wince a bit when I see all the smart mummies with their neat and tidy BabyZen Yoyos.

I don't judge anyone for wanting new for their children (or even for having neat and clean pushchairs ) but I must say I've never in a million years thought of DS as being deprived because he doesn't have this. People probably judge me a bit though .

I can see it must be tough for you though, having to do it all by yourself with money worries and without anyone to share the burden . You're doing amazingly, sometimes it's fine to just put one foot in front of the other and get through the day. In terms of what might make you feel better, maybe try to focus on the things you DO with your children rather than what you HAVE. I tend to think I've been a "good enough" parent when we've had a day where we've been for a walk, managed to read a few books, played together, done some arts and crafts (shudder!), done baking or cooking together (even if it's just making a sandwich) or had fun with water and pots and pans in the bath. These don't cost much but they are the things which make my son happy, not having new toys and nice clothes.

Also, your children are very, very lucky to have each other! We had hoped for a second child soon after DS, but it hasn't worked out for us. So we are very jealous of families with two close in age. That's something money can't buy.

We never know what goes on behind closed doors.
The kind dad beats his wife
The flawless mother wakes up at 4am to make herself beautiful and plan her day
The teenager on his phone has clinical depression

You also have two children who you get to see full time - there are hundreds of mumsnetters who would envy you that and swap it in a heartbeat for a fancy new pram and a full wardrobe.

OP, there’s nothing wrong with second hand stuff. Money makes life easier but is not everything.
You'd be surprised what stuff kids value most.

I remember the post that stuck with me of somebody who said they had a “plate of plenty” for dinner that consisted of random bits on the plate (cheese,cereals,veg, you name it). One day when grown up they said to their mum how much they loved getting that for dinner as it was so tasty and surprising. Mum said it was the meal she pUt together to feed her child after she’s been to tired to cook.

See the perception?

As for a partner- I understand you’re longing for good relationship but none is perfect, ups and downs everywhere in these times.

Chin up OP and kudos to you for bringing up your kids single handedly. They love you and you are their world. That’s what matters.

Sorry you felt this way OP

As mentioned above, no family is perfect and people will always have their insecurities/issues. Outwardly my life seems to appear great, but while we are lucky in many respects, I'm miserable 90% of the time. I also look on enviously at happily married families - and I'm married! My friends often comment on how fortunate I am, the nice things we own and can provide for the children, but all is certainly not as joyful as it appears to be.

My children are at their happiest on the beach/at the park/going for walks in the woods with their cousins. Literally things that don't cost a penny! These are the things I remember most from my childhood as well. My parents didn't have much money but my mum was amazing and used to surprise us after school by taking us for impromptu picnics or "adventures" through the forest. Treasure hunts/BBQs/ice cream sundaes in the garden - these are all the things I cherish from childhood. You are enough 💗

Like you, money is very tight. I am too ashamed to have anyone round because of the state of the carpets (two dogs) I can’t afford to replace. The rest of the place is very clean. I am happy though, I live with my daughter and pets and our environment is peaceful and we love being together. I have decluttered since my partner left and it looks so much better not having a load of stuff. Easier to keep clean (apart from the carpets). I gave up my well paid job as my daughter has asd and struggled with me working so much. So here I am minus a partner , minus a decent wage and life is so much better. I bet you are a wonderful Mum and that is more important than anything xxx

Appearances are deceiving! I look like the smiley happy well dressed mum. On Saturdays I take my toddler to see estranged DH and we have a family day out. We aren't together though as he was emotionally abusive but we get on well now. To the outside world we are the happiest family but in reality it is one day of coparenting as he isn't capable of having toddler alone!

@PLbee29 OP,
You have two beautiful healthy children who you love (based on the post)
I think that’s the most you can give. Love and care.
Appearance is not everything.
Comparison is not healthy (but we all do it 😔)

Maybe try to ‘compare’ yourselves to a less fortunate family ... 💐

You have nothing to feel inferior about. I grew up in a very cash-strapped household. I genuinely didn't feel bothered about second hand toys when I was a younger kid. I remember being given pocket money to spend at jumble sales and car boots and enjoyed hunting for toys. I remember fun trips to the park and playing with boxes of old dressing up clothes. All free.

I think kids are more conscious of the money thing at secondary school. But by that point your kids might be independent enough that you can work more.

We grew up with very, very little. My parents struggled to make ends meet and put food on the table. Any toys etc were secondhand, and and trips out were to the local woods or pond.

I had the most wonderful childhood - I always felt loved & supported and and very close to my parents as an adult.

I don't know if it helps but for those two little children of yours, you are their world and the absolute apple of their eyes. No one else would do! No one is as important to them as mummy. You are everything to them. You aren't inferior you are the person they love best.

that's much more important than the old flat or the fancy toys or millions of activities or whatever.

I think we all compare ourself others, I don’t think you will ever stop that !
But just because they look like happy families, it doesn’t mean they are. One might be having an affair which is about to be found out and split up the family, one might have a terminal illness etc
I was brought up by a divorced mum. Most of my clothes/toys were second hand and we had no heating in the house, none at all. In the winter I would scrape the ice off the inside of the window to see out. Everyone else had central heating, but I never felt badly done by or second best.
By buying second hand you are helping the environment, a very worth while thing for your children’s future.
You need to take your negatives and spin them into positives.

I am a lone parent who had to give up work so am struggling financially at the moment.

I don't know why but I have always felt lucky. Lucky I have such a wonderful ds. Lucky we have a small 2 bedroom flat with a garden in a location we really like. We love our small flat and would not want a big house. Ds has some really good clothes from our local charity shop - expensive jackets and tshirts I could never have afforded new.

I try to not worry about the future. I often think I am the same amount of happy as families with two parents or often I seem to be happier. Ds is a happy child who never asks for anything. He is 12 now and has never had a dad.

Please remember that what you are seeing is just a snapshot of a few hours within a family day .No one has seen Mum and Dad arguing , child throwing tantrum , worries about earning enough to keep the show on the road. Like F/B we only see the edited bits!