To feel inferior to other mothers

[PLbee29]

Hi everyone
I'm a single mum of a reception child and a toddler and I've always struggled with feeling inferior to other mothers. Money is very tight and we live in an old flat, they have no contact with their father. Yesterday we went to the duck pond and I was surrounded by seemingly happy families, I won't lie, I am envious. I always wonder what it would be like to have a partner in raising the children. They all had lovely prams, clothes, etc whilst I can only afford secondhand at the moment. I know these are just material things, but it makes me feel inferior to them. I suffer from low self esteem and I suppose I'm asking if anyone has any tips on how to improve this? I have two healthy, beautiful kids. How do I stop comparing myself to others? :(

Reading this made me very sad. I had a dreadful childhood, despite having all the trappings of wealth. It means nothing. What matters is having a consistent and stable parent in your life who loves you - even just the one. In fact, if your child doesn’t know any different then just one excellent parent is great. Much more than many others have, and better than two unhappy parents together.

The person who feels that something is missing will be you, not your child.

To anyone who is embarrassed about having less or anything else:

No one else cares. No one real will judge you for that or even notice. Why would they? I went to private school, and the oldest money families were very content to have second hand stuff, thought purchasing all new was gauche and new money!

All the best activities are free by the way. Cuddles, kisses, chasing around in the park or exploring a museum, tickling, looking at random plants and flowers and learning, talking. All free and all the best. ❤️

I know how you feel OP I've brought up 2 now adult children alone. It's like looking into a sweetshop from the outside and you're not allowed in.

The times I felt like that was when I was watching other families. I remember watching a happy couple picking a sofa together and feeling so alone.

Things got so much better when the kids were going to school. I made a lot of single mum friends and had so much fun. We'd get family tickets between us and go places and holidays. They also acted as partners for childcare and worries.

Secondhand just doesn't matter, clean does. It makes you feel better if you and the kids and the house are clean and respectable.

There are a lot of grants available to help you with white goods, children's clothing and even furniture. Make sure you take advantage of all the social tarrifs available for water and fuel.

One day you'll have more money and you might meet someone lovely. Try to live in the day.

I was a lone parent when dd was small, one day a lorry overturned near our tiny little cottage, it was full of potatos, my friend (married but hard up) and I had a rare old time picking up a sackful each that were just left there - these days my dd, who is married and a mum, with no financial problems, will look through all the boxes left by the local market traders and take home useful bits of veg as she says the waste is a scandal and people should think of the planet.

I guess what I mean is, when you look at people you just never really know whats going on with them.

I can't say I ever felt inferior (nor superior!), but I was a bit shy and wary of being in groups with other parents and young children. I avoided pavement pow wows at school pick up times too because there was so much gossip. I've no idea what any of them thought of me but I worked part time so had my own colleagues and friends.

What makes you think anyone would notice that your stuff is second hand? There's nothing wrong with that, plenty of quite well off people buy second hand, it makes sense. As for them being couples, you will not be the only single parent, there are plenty!

There's no point in being jealous, it achieves nothing. You're OK!

Envy is the thief of joy
This is so true. It does suck with no money. BUT be proud of you. You have two great kids and being mum and dad. Bet you have made your home lovely. Kids want time not things. It's ok to feel a bit crap. But dont stop it form being the fantastic mum that you are

I can understand if you feel hard done by and feel that life is unfair, OP, but NEVER feel inferior! THAT'S AN ORDER!

YOU were the parent who stuck around, YOU are the parent giving your dc the best life they can have, YOU are the one sourcing that second-hand pram and taking them to the duck pond, YOU are the one making all the difference!!!

When I get down seeing happy families in the park I sometimes cheer myself up by imagining them having a big row when they get home whereas I can just stick a pizza in the oven and have a nice evening with DD!

Your doing well.
These seemingly happier families may not be as great as you think.
Love and understanding is more important to a child than nice clothes and posh prams!

You love and spend time with your children and that is worth so much more than brand new clothes and a fancy pram as they grow out of those things quickly.
I grew up in a household with very little money and I have the most wonderful memories of my childhood, I love hunting in charity shops for clothing and books as I get a bit of a kick from finding a bargain, most of the toys in our house have been gifted or came to us secondhand from family.
Its natural to compare as we always seem to measure ourselves against others, I do it myself then I try to reflect and remember everyone is different so try to give yourself the credit you deserve

I don’t have anything useful to add but I wanted to say that you’re in no way inferior. Your post made me feel very sad. A child in a loving home is the luckiest in the world, all the rest is just trinkets.

I am a teacher so I see hundreds of children walk through my door on a daily basis. I have also worked within a pupil referral unit where I see children from both extremes of backgrounds.
And I want you to know that the children I remember with joy, the children who truly lit up a room with their happiness and laughter, the ones who were polite and filled with passion for the future, they were children that came from a home of love.
You, as their mother, are providing that.
So please, never feel inferior. Know that your children see you as their absolute world and to them, you bloody rock. And really, that's all that matters.

Please try not to worry. I'm pregnant with number 3 and everything except his car seat is at least 2nd hand if not more (older cousins and siblings). Moses basket is on its 4th go, pram about the same and his cot has seen 5 other children. He won't notice or care.
To be honest all those happy families probably aren't most of the time. Parents will argue, children will cry and tantrum. Some of them might be envious of you.

OP you're not alone. I guarantee you many of the mothers you see are also struggling in various - possibly quite different - ways which you can't see.

I think the current situation is making a lot of people experience these things with more urgency. But I promise you there are a large amount of mothers who also feel inferior in various ways.

I'm also a single mother although not especially struggling financially, and I endlessly blame myself at the moment for the fact that I have to work around the clock with my daughter stuck in front of screens for me to be able to work. I can't take my kid to the duckpond usually because I have to be on endless client calls and sitting in my bedroom turning around documents which no-one will ever read.

I feel appalling about it. I know rationally that I'm doing the best I can to feed and clothe my child and give her a good future and I know anyone else would say the same, but it doesn't stop me feeling like I am failing her. I can afford to buy new clothes and don't worry about keeping a roof over her head, but the trade-off for this is I hardly see a child I live with and can barely find time to cook for her, let alone home school her.

We're all doing the best we can in different ways and none of us are perfect. But as long as we are providing love and security and consistency, we are not bad mothers. Our children may be disadvantaged short term in certain ways but they will benefit in others.

All of our kids will remember that we made sacrifices for them and loved them. They won't remember much else.

I’ve had some very lean times financially since having kids and although it’s been a bit stressful for me as an adult, it hasn’t been a deal breaker for them. Last summer there wasn’t a family budget for any eating or drinking out of the house. We took food And drinks with us on every trip out. They thought it was great because their favourite sandwiches/crisps/fruit were on hand with no waiting or queuing. After a day out, a LIDL own brand magnum out of the freezer was a treat to them. I was so busy trying to pack picnics and snacks all the time -and find cheap/free days out - but they were oblivious to it all really.
So don’t sweat the financial side. It sounds like you’re doing a great job.

seemingly happy families

"Seems" is the operative word, here.

No child cares what brand of pram they have. No adult remembers how lovely their parm was when they were a kid. The things you are worrying about are not what memories are made of.

I remember my mum baking cakes with us. I remember my dad skipping in the garden with me and my sister. I remember fantastic holidays staying with my grandparents in the costa del Liverpool. I remember I was read to every night at bedtime. I remember picnics in the park (or in the living room if it was too rainy!). I don't remember what I was wearing in any of these experiences! Think about what you want your child to remember. The vast majority of it won't cost that much.

I'm a single mum too. It's hard, but try to focus on the positives - your children are safe, fed, clean, clothed, loved, educated, entertained... there are literally millions of children on the planet who can't say the same.