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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this normal?

31 replies

bipra21 · 13/06/2020 09:47

My partner had to get married in the 80's and seems to feel indebted to his adult DD in her thirties who is now married with 2 GK
She's seems selfish and entitled and when they split up she was upset I think this is because she lost her cash cow as her dad always paid for everything, she's used to having her own way.
I don't know why but she seems to have a hold over my partner and he's always scared to upset her and constantly asking her 'we are ok aren't we?' We got engaged last year and she still doesn't know in case it might offend her and I haven't got a ring yet he'll give her money for the GK and pay for stuff for them, granted it's his cash from jobs on the side but I feel they are more important than me. We've been together 2 years. He's asking for half his capital in the divorce, when she finds out I know she'll put pressure on him to back off because she'll not want her mum upset and I know he'll do that for the sake of his relationship with her. I'm trying to understand why she has this hold over him it didn't seem right to me?

OP posts:
Beatingthisthing · 13/06/2020 10:17

Children generally do have a 'hold' over their parents 🙄

PawPawNoodle · 13/06/2020 10:23

I feel they are more important than me

They are.

Boom45 · 13/06/2020 10:24

He "had" to get married? Was it a forced marriage?

bigchris · 13/06/2020 10:26

I don't think a man with kids is the man for you , these issues will always come up, it's up to you if you think its worth it , personally i wouldn't get married to anyone who was too scared to tell his adult daughter he was engaged

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/06/2020 10:28

Walk away. In fact run!

Yes his child even when adult will be more import to him - but not all the time!

If he can ask you to marry him and not tell his daughter for that long then he will never put you first and sometimes he should! His daughter is an adult and he should be allowed to make his own choices such as marrying you. If he won't do this then you will ALWAYS play second fiddle.

Our children are super important to us of course but they shouldn't always come first.

Run away. Please. Your life will be misery with him.

BubblyBarbara · 13/06/2020 10:28

he's always scared to upset her and constantly asking her 'we are ok aren't we?'

No, this sort of perpetual nervousness around the relationship with an adult child is not normal at all.

chrislilleyswig · 13/06/2020 10:29

So, is he still married. You say he's asking for half capital in the divorce.

Maybe that why he's not telling her he's engaged

daisypond · 13/06/2020 10:31

How can you be engaged when he is still married? Is that possible?

AfterSchoolWorry · 13/06/2020 10:37

Have you any children yourself OP ?

He sounds like a complete sap, by the way.

Davincitoad · 13/06/2020 10:39

Sounds stressful. she will likely always cause issues and he sounds like he would always put her first.

Pipandmum · 13/06/2020 10:43

He will always put her first. And she may well be more important than you - she will always be his daughter. Why is he only getting divorced now if you have been engaged for a year?? Get the divorce out of the way then he can tell her he plans to get married (if he actually does).

MiniatureHero · 13/06/2020 10:45

His child will be more important to him than you, but even so it sounds like his relationship with her has an unhealthy dynamic. Does he feel guilty about the divorce? It sounds like he feels he has let her down and is trying to make up for it.

I would be wary of this relationship - it probably won’t ever get better than this.

Lockdownseperation · 13/06/2020 10:47

My children are more important to me than my husband.

You can’t really be engaged because he is not free to marry. How long has he been separated?

Why did he have to get married? Did someone hold a gun to his head?

Beatingthisthing · 13/06/2020 10:48

I think it's odd you thinking him giving his GC money (his money!) means his DC and GC are 'more important' than you. They are. They're his DC and GC, his daughter has been in his life for over 30 years and always will be, as will his DC whereas no matter now great your relationship is, you've only been dating for 2 years. Its weird you objecting to him giving some of his money to his DC and GC.

SpillTheTeaa · 13/06/2020 10:50

They are more important than you and always will be you need to get over it or move on. My DC will always be more important to me than anyone else.
Why was he forced to get married though? Are you sure you have all the story here?

Alb1 · 13/06/2020 10:53

He’s daughter is suppose to be more important. And if he’s not even divorced yet it’s not surprising he’s not shouting about his engagement to his daughter, it may not be fair on you and I can see why you are upset but I think YABU sorry

TheGirlWithAPrince · 13/06/2020 11:10

His kids and grandkids are more important than you.

My kids and Grandkids will always be more important than anyone else to me.

if thats not what you want then run because you will never be his priority and rightly so.

sotiredofthislonelylife · 13/06/2020 11:15

I too would be wondering what is causing him to be so intimidated by his adult DD.
Yes, your children are very important in your life, but once they are in relationships of their own, you (as parents) are not as important to them. This is the natural order of things.
When you have young children, their needs will usually come first, but I would seriously worry about someone saying ‘my children are more important than my spouse’!!
Really? It doesn’t sound like a good basis for the rest of your lives together. Hopefully, your offspring grow up to be independent adults, so a spousal relationship (if you desire it) is the one that will endure.

MostlyAmbridgeandcoffee · 13/06/2020 11:28

She will always be more important than you and if you can’t be ok with that then you’re not with the right person . Assume you don’t have children from your post. Also you don’t seem to have a very realistic view of his past or his relationships. Can’t you just enjoy him for him as he comes with his past?

welshpixie · 13/06/2020 11:28

He will have had to get married as he got his girlfriend pregnant. It was called a shotgun wedding and yes he would have been forced into it.
However if he is not capable of making you important enough in his life to tell his daughter that he wants to marry you then you have a problem far worse than his daughter.

Beatingthisthing · 13/06/2020 11:47

@welshpixie Not that common in the 80s but did happen I suppose but still, even if it was a shotgun wedding he's stayed in it for 30+ years and only recently have they started divorce proceedings..

Minniee · 13/06/2020 11:52

Why'd he have to get married? That's weird.

namesnames · 13/06/2020 12:03

Why is he only getting divorced now if you've been together 2 years?

It's unfair of him to hide your engagement. Have you met his daughter?

heartsonacake · 13/06/2020 12:03

They are more important than you. Children will always be more important than a partner. If you can’t accept that you shouldn’t be with a married man with children.

welshpixie · 13/06/2020 12:12

Minniee, it was what happened if you got pregnant. I had a late period 2 months before my wedding, and all my DM could say was we can tell people it is premature. As it happened I wasn't pregnant, but it was a different world

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